Category: Review

Only God Forgives

 
Like it or not, Only God Forgives is unforgettable.
 

Only God Forgives (2013)

2011’s Drive was like a sucker punch to the chops for me. I’d heard of Nicolas Winding Refn (NWR for shortsies) and seen the unconventional Tom Hardy showcase Bronson beforehand but I sat down knowing next to nothing when it came time to watch Gosling stoically toothpicking his way around L.A. I’ve caught up on most of his back catalogue now and thusly Only God Forgives didn’t have the same potential to wonderfully blindside me. Or so I thought.

“Time to meet the devil.”

Only God Forgives focuses on Julien (Ryan Gosling), an American drug smuggler living in Bangkok, who uses a Thai boxing club as a front for his illegal activities. Things get more complicated when his mother Crystal (Kristen Scott Thomas) visits wanting vengeance for the death of Julien’s brother and her firstborn son Billy (Tom Burke). What follows is a tale of existential angst and brutal violence. Most of it having something to do with the wrath of a man named Chang (Vithaya Pansringarm), a cop with supernatural abilities and a penchant for doling out his own form of justice at the edge of a Bushido blade. Right off the bat, it’s important to note that this ain’t Drive 2: Hammertime. It’s very much in the vein of NWR’s more weirder previous works like Bronson and Valhalla Rising. It’s a surreal, almost nightmarish journey. Gosling’s Julien is another man of few words like his Driver character, but is battling (and some would say losing) a lot more demons and internal conflicts this time round. As a Gosfan, I was pleased. Kristen Scott Thomas gives us a purposely detestable, manipulative mother character as Crystal. Despite the reprehensible way she acts and the odious things she says, she’s completely fascinating and engaging. Vithaya Pansringarm is fantastic as Chang and his roaring rampage of revenge is compelling as fuck. You know shit’s going to hit the fan when he turns up, looking like you’ve just keyed his car and shat through his letterbox.

It’s very tough to get a handle on Only God Forgives, at least initially. I felt that at least for the first half, the film was holding me at arm’s length, refusing throw me a bone until I started connecting with it in the way it intended. The opening is slow and methodical, cutting from scenes of brutal violence to sleazy goings on in the Bangkok underworld. You’re not sure what’s real and what isn’t, thanks to Julien’s disturbing daydreams and reveries. My brain was working overtime trying to connect the sparse dots and coming up with nothing. However, once I started to let the film wash over me, I suddenly got it. It’s meant to be several steps in front of you. You just have to keep up until it decides it wants to start spinning a more cohesive yarn.

The thing that is hard to get away from is how goddamn beautifully it’s shot. I’ve said this with other films, but I really think you could take any frame from the film and hang it up on your wall as a piece of art. Primary colours reign supreme, ranging from seedy, pornographic red neons to cold and distancing  glacier blues.  Never has Bangkok looked more alluring and unnerving. The way the film is shot certainly helps you get through the “what the fuck is going on?” first half. Cliff Martinez’s score also compliments the awesome cinematography incredibly well. Time to add another movie soundtrack to my already ridiculously massive collection.

Despite playing coy buggers and keeping you distanced for the most part, there’s one aspect that Only God Forgives wants you up close and personal for- the violence. The film takes a pornographic glee in its own brutality and it’s genuinely savage stuff. Apart from my main man Chang and his mad sword skillz, there’s one torture scene in particular that will be etched on my frontal lobe for the foreseeable future. I won’t spoil it, but let’s just say when you hear the line “Remember girls, no matter what happens… keep your eyes closed.” You may want to heed the same advice. I was flinching like a motherfucker. Having said that, the highlight for me is a fight between Julien and Chang. Everything from the pounding music to the setting is brilliant and will almost definitely feature in my Scenes of the Year list.

It’d be easy to dismiss Only God Forgives as “pretentious”, especially with its occasionally heavy-handed symbolism. There’s a preoccupation with hand imagery and huge Oedipal overtones in the relationship between Julien and Crystal. Thing is, it’s done with such skill, I didn’t give a shit about whether the film was intellectually overreaching or not. People tend to use the word “pretentious” incorrectly to describe anything of higher intelligence than a ham sandwich or something that doesn’t lay its cards out on the table straight away. This pisses me off as it breeds contempt for anything attempting more than loud noises and explosions. I think NWR and crew understand what they’re doing. They may not be breaking new ground in terms of imagery or whatever, but I don’t know how to end this sentence so fuck you.

“Want to fight?”

Only God Forgives is a strange one. It’s an experimental, disquieting film that’s both beautiful and repugnant. It’s blindsided me in a completely different way to Drive. I’ll need to see it again to see if I can squeeze any more understanding out of it. However, even if a second viewing doesn’t warrant any more answers, I’ll be happy. It’s nice being foxed by a film sometimes. It’s a rare thing. Would I recommend it ? I have no idea. Alls I know is that I thoroughly enjoyed it and my brain may take quite a while to recover from the bending and twisting it received.  Here’s looking forward to Only God 5gives in 2015.

Pirates of the Caribbean: At World’s End (Redux)

 
At my wit’s end,  more like! (pause for laughter) (laughter never comes) (sad now)
 

Pirates of the Caribbean: At World’s End (2007) (Redux)

My attention span ain’t what it used to be. Since I’ve owned a smartphone, I’ve caught myself on numerous occasions not paying attention to the film I’ve just put on in lieu of checking Twitter, my texts or even IMDB trivia about the film I’m meant to be watching. Thankfully, I’ve mostly put a stop to this, but I’m not sure I would have survived another viewing of At World’s End without my precious phone. Although it’s hard to get official figures on it, thanks to Hollywood accounting and the like, At World’s End is considered the most expensive film ever made (unadjusted for inflation) at a whopping $300 million. My question is this: why the leaping Christ did they not drive any of that cheddar into improving the writing? Dear Lord, the term “clusterfuck” hardly seems to do it justice. Anyway- getting ahead of myself here.

“I have no sympathy for any of you feculent maggots and no more patience to pretend otherwise. Gentlemen, I wash my hands of this weirdness.”

Leading on from Dead Man’s Chest, Will (Orlando Bloom), Elizabeth (Keira Knightley), the newly resurrected Barbossa (Geoffrey Rush) et al. have to travel to Davy Jones’ Locker to rescue Jack Sparrow (Johnny Depp) because of reasons. Along the way, they encounter Pirate lord Sao Feng (Chow Yun-Fat) and have to avoid Davy Jones (Bill Nighy) who is now under the command of Lord Cutler Beckett (Tom Hollander). There’s some other stuff too, but in all honesty, you’ve probably seen the sodding thing multiple times over like I have. I really don’t know where to begin with this. For starters, it’s way too fucking long, clocking in at close to three hours. Secondly, both Bloom and Knightley reach new levels of ligneous guffery. Not sure about Bloom, but Knightley has done actual acting elsewhere, so I don’t know why she’s taking leave of all believable emotions here. Hell, even Depp’s charm is wearing thin by this point. He seems to have been encouraged to amp the wackiness up to Looney Tune levels. There are several Multiplicity-like scenes where multiple Sparrows all try to out-gurn each other and I found it painful to sit through. There’s even a little angel/devil on the shoulders scene. I mean, come on! There are a few saving graces, however. Rush’s Barbossa is still a delight to watch, Bill Nighy continues being fantastic as Davy Jones and Hollander’s quintessentially English tea-drinking baddie is fun and a better villain than the film deserves.  Jack Davenport also merits a mention, but he isn’t really given enough to do to leave any significant mark on the film.

Motivation is one of the essential things when talking about characters. Whether their purposes are for good/evil/whatever, it’s important to make them clear (unless obscuring them is the whole point) in order for an audience to connect with them. I’ve seen At World’s End a bunch of times and I still couldn’t tell you what the shit is going on. Everyone seems to be selling everyone out but not really, except when they are anddearLordmakeitstop. Add in a bunch of mysticism and talk of destiny and you’ve got a fine mess on your hands. It’s hard to get a handle on who’s doing what and why and, more importantly, why you should give a damn. Why they wanted to make everything so damn convoluted in a film that’s meant to appeal to families I don’t know. In any case, it gave me a headache.

Actually, the the family target audience brings me to another point. The tone is all over the place. We open on a mass hanging and it gets worse from there. The opening is especially brutal as a young boy gets the ol’ short drop and a sudden stop. Y’see kids have a habit of instantly relating to other kids on screen. It’s why so many kiddie films are packed with the little buggers. I imagine there were a few worried glances between parents when that scene played out. The whole film has forgotten its fun, swashbuckling origins and replaced it with CGI-tastic epic battles and mugging at the camera. Making weak gags amidst huge battle sequences is not the same as having a consistent light-hearted tone. Then again, consistency in regards to anything is one of this film’s massive failings.

Elizabeth really bugged me in this one. Answer me this: when did she become a warrior woman? There were hints of it in Dead Man’s Chest, but now she’s perfectly capable of standing her ground with experienced swordsmen. I’m a big fan of women kicking arse, but it just doesn’t make any sense, even with the loopy logic of the films. Plus, the whole “pirate king” thing is ludicrous. I almost cringed myself inside out when it came time for Swann to deliver a “rousing” speech to the assembled crews. She sounded more like a bitchy head girl bollocking her dowdy doormat friend for daring to show up to the school dance in the same colour outfit as her.

I will say this though- the effects are genuinely amazing. Whilst they skimped on coherent writers and actors who could act, they certainly didn’t pinch pennies when it came to the visuals. I love Shipwreck Cove- a pirate meeting place made up of dozens of broken and dilapidated ships. The “up is down” twisty-turny bit is jaw-dropping. The climactic Maelstrom sequence is also very well done and the sheer fun spectacle of watching two ships frag the living fuck out of each other in a gigantic swirling whirlpool wins the film some big points. Having said that, it’s really difficult to give a crap about what’s going on. Still a top-notch tech demo though.

Before I end this review I will mention a few little odds and ends I liked, lest you mistake me for the usual kind of internet critic that either loves something unconditionally or hates it with the very core of their being. I’ve got a new favourite fish-person, for one. The moray eel fella who can retract his head inside his body and bites people in the face is bloody awesome. Shame he only gets a few seconds of screen time. I quite like the Keith Richards cameo as Jack’s dad, but I think I like the idea more than the reality. It’s like when they officially made May 4th “Star Wars Day”- it sort of ruins the joke. Barbossa’s constantly interrupted marrying of Will and Elizabeth is also amusing and one of the few genuine laughs I got from the film. I also dig Cutler Beckett’s slow motion walk-whilst-everything-fucking-explodes death, although it’s not quite as good as I remember it. It’s a decent send off to a great baddie though and the final shot of his lifeless body landing and being enveloped by a floating East India Trading Co. flag is pretty damn memorable.

“Nobody move! I’ve dropped me brain.”

So, At World’s End. It’s goddamn boring is what it is. It’s a hypermegaclusterfuck of half-baked ideas, clunky writing and awkward tonal shifts in a shiny wrapper. It’s a shame the sequel apple fell so far from the Curse of the Black Pearl tree. It’s a testament to excess and highlights the very worst of blockbuster filmmaking. I think Sparrow himself said it best: “It is neither proper nor suitable, sir. It is not acceptable, nor adequate. It is, in obvious fact, an abomination.”

Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man’s Chest (Redux)

Back on track with the LADathon with the second Pirates flick. More on the way.

Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man’s Chest (2006) (Redux)

With Curse of the Black Pearl becoming a big hit worldwide, sequels were inevitable. Disney opted to film Pirates 2 and 3 back-to-back with Dead Man’s Chest being released in 2006. I’ve seen Dead Man’s Chest many times, but in rewatching it to do this redux, I realised that 1) I couldn’t remember large stretches of it and 2) it wasn’t as bad as I previously thought.

“Jones’ terrible leviathan will find you, and drag the Pearl back to the depths and you along with it!”

Following on from Curse of the Black Pearl, our two lead planks Will (Orlando Bloom) and Elizabeth (Keira Knightley) are due to be married, but all is cut short when newly appointed Lord Beckett (Tom Hollander) claps them in irons for aiding and abetting Jack Sparrow (Johnny Depp). Sparrow has problems of his own, however, as his debt to the fearsome legendary Captain Davy Jones (Bill Nighy) is due to be paid and if he doesn’t comply, he’ll face the wrath of the massive,  multi-tentacled Kraken, capable of sinking entire fleets of ships. Having my preconceptions when I sat down to review it good an’ proper, I had loaded my shitcannons and was ready to work the film over from the barebones up. Why are these characters doing these things? What’s her motivation? Is his story arc satisfactorily concluded? etc. However, it’s actually a well-constructed film. On a base level, there are very few criticisms that I could find to level at it.  Motivations make sense, the story’s structured strongly and everything that’s set up pays off for the most part. So, why the three stars at the bottom of the page? Well, just because it’s functional doesn’t mean it’s brilliant. It’s way too fucking long at 151 mins and it’s as self-indulgent as mashing caviar on your nipples and ordering several exquisite eunuchs to lick it off. More of that in a minute.

Bloom and Knightley haven’t improved between films. Whilst their wooden “acting” got a free pass last time, it becomes more of a problem this time as both are given more to do. Of the newcomers, I love Tom Hollander’s Beckett who has free reign to be the bastard that Davenport’s Norrington wasn’t allowed to be. Bill Nighy’s octopus-faced Davy Jones is a cracking villain too. The production design on Jones and the crew of the Flying Dutchman, including the ship itself is remarkable. There are all sorts of odd sea creature/man hybrids to goggle at and they’re all fantastically realised. Whilst I like the hammerhead shark fella and the guy who just seems to have an oyster for a head and no discernible mouth, my favourite is the pufferfish lad. We don’t get to see him puff up when he’s stressed or angry though. Missed opportunity. I have to give credit where credit’s due, it’s refreshing that they didn’t try to just rehash Black Pearl and actually went for something a bit different. The merits of where they went with it is debatable, but in the age of a widespread “fuck it, that’ll do” attitude towards sequels, it’s a good thing. The scale and scope is considerably bigger this time round. The effects have been stepped up and at times border on the photo-realistic. The Kraken scenes are my favourites. Just the image of a ship being ensnared by huge tentacles is straight off an old nautical map. It’s great to see it on screen and it’s surprisingly unsettling.

I was racking my brain trying to figure out why this film isn’t as successful as its predecessor. There were things I noticed that didn’t work, such as the dialogue not being nearly as sharp this time round and some real weaksauce gags slipping through the net, but none of them were film killers. It all came to me watching the three-way swordfight between Norrington, Sparrow and Will. Firstly, the film is too convoluted and indulgent for its own good- so much so, that they have Mackenzie Crook’s Ragetti explain each man’s motivation whilst the fight’s going on as a refresher course to Pintel and therefore the audience. If you have to have a character dump exposition all in one go like that, you’re not doing a very good job telling a story. Secondly, and most importantly, I realised I was having fun as I watched the three men fight in and on a rolling waterwheel. Not only that, it seems like a scene that’d be completely at home in the first film. Dead Man’s Chest lacks the consistent sense of fun and swashbuckling adventure that Black Pearl had in abundance.  Much like Jack Sparrow, the film doesn’t know what it wants and flits between all sorts of conflicting things. The tone is erratic throughout and as such you end up not quite knowing how to react to it.

“Life is cruel. Why should the afterlife be any different?”

Dead Man’s Chest isn’t a bad sequel by any means. It moves its characters on, brings in some great villains and takes us to new and exciting places. It just isn’t as enjoyable as it should be. A sense of fun can make up for a hell of a lot, but Dead Man’s Chest has it in fits and starts, coupled with some surprisingly dark shit for a family friendly film (the poor bastard who has his face sucked clean off by the Kraken comes to mind.) It’s entertaining enough, but it gets too bogged down in its own mysticism and taking itself seriously to really cut loose and live a little.

Pacific Rim

Wahey! It’s time to review one of my most anticipated films of the year. Allow me to get specific about Pacific Rim.

Pacific Rim (2013)

I’d like to think that I’m still pretty in touch with my inner child. If I was to go back in time and hang out with my child self, I think we’d get along and whilst he wouldn’t appreciate the fact that I’m not rich enough to buy a spaceship, I think he’d like the fact that a lot of the things that appealed to him still appeal to me. Case in point: Pacific Rim, a film with the awesome concept of massive robots versus equally massive monsters and is certain to have children of all kinds, inner or actual, high-fiving each other and talking excitedly.

“Two thousand five hundred tons of awesome.”

When huge monsters known as “Kaiju” appear from a rift at the bottom of the ocean and start wrecking our cities, mankind has no choice but to build monsters of its own- huge mechs known as “Jaegers”. Pacific Rim picks up near the end of the Kaiju war, where the needle has swung heftily in the Kaijus’ favour and the Jaeger project is being shut down. Charlie Hunnam plays Raleigh Becket, a seasoned Jaeger pilot who had quit the mech business due to personal tragedy years before only to be called back in. Under the watchful eye of his commanding officer Stacker Pentecost (Idris Elba), Becket has to get match fit with the help of promising Jaeger candidate Mako Mori (Rinko Kikuchi) to help stop the Kaiju menace and cancel the apocalypse once and for all.

I LOVED Pacific Rim. It’s an ice-cream sundae chaser to all those bitter pills that have been masquerading as summer entertainment over the past few years. It’s heaps of fun. It also proves that you have to be quite clever to produce an enjoyable “dumb but fun” film. Whilst it shares some DNA with metal thumpfests like Transformers, it’s not just soulless computer effects. The Jaegers’ central mechanic- the Drift, in which two pilots are required to mind meld to control the mech, ensures that characterisation is front and centre. This means you actually give a shit and have a stake in the big battles. With the Jaeger program being a global one, stereotyping is rampant. The Russian team in particular make Ivan Drago look like a subtle rumination on nationality. If there was a British Jaeger (and why the fuck isn’t there a British Jaeger?!) I’m sure the pilots would be wearing top hats, monocles and constantly reference the Queen.

The heavily promoted scraps are as fantastic as you’d hope they’d be. Thanks to the direction, I had a clear idea of what was hitting what, which is a rarity in this type of film. My favourite sequence was a brilliant nighttime Hong Kong smackdown amidst heavy rain and neon signs. After the sequence was over, I noticed my tongue was cold and realised it was because I had been staring slack-jawed at the screen for 15 mins or so. So many little bits or details had me cackling with glee. There’s an effective flashback sequence to Mako’s childhood where she was running and hiding from a massive crablike Kaiju. It’s really unsettling and gave me hope for next year’s Godzilla reheating.

My only real problem with Pacific Rim was how clichéd some of the characters were and how unimpressive the script was. I feel this was a stylistic choice as it’s basically a cartoon writ large, rather than a po-faced product with delusions of maturity. Intentional choice or not, it’s still a sticking point. We have a generic hero pulled back in for one last job, an arrogant prick who has to learn a lesson, a miltary leader who is adept at giving stirring speeches, a Asian woman wanting vengeance for her family etc etc. These are all well-trodden paths, but it doesn’t hamper the film too much. What did piss me off were the two irritating-as-fuck scientists played by Charlie Day and Burn Gorman. They’re meant to be the comic relief but their incessant, trying-too-hard-to-be-funny bickering had me clawing at my face. The ending was a bit too similar to The Avengers for me to get properly lost in it all but it was still fine.

“Today at the edge of our hope, at the end of our time.  We have chosen to believe in each other!  Today we face the monsters that are at our door, today we are cancelling the apocalypse!”

So yeah- Pacific Rim is near-perfect summer blockbustin’ entertainment. Even the 3D was well done. Don’t you dare go and see some wanking shit like Grown Ups 2 or some sequel to a past-it franchise. If you love the great tradition of big blockbusters that aren’t squarely aimed at the lowest common denominator and manage to be more than just a bunch of expensive pixels on the screen, see this. Watching the camera pan over a huge mech whilst Ramin Djawadi’s awesome theme boomed out left me with a huge smile on my face. I can almost guarantee it’ll do the same for you too.

World War Z

Finally saw this t’other day. Also expect second Pirates review soon. End communication.

World War Z (2013)

It’s hard to talk about World War Z without talking about the production troubles it had. Last minute reshoots to make the film less controversial and “more blockbuster-y” (read: dumb), a ballooning budget and accusations of weapon smuggling (no, really) all plagued the making of the film and as such it was predicted to be a massive flop. Thankfully, the film eventually got to cinemas and here we are.

“Mother Nature is a serial killer. She wants to get caught, she leaves bread crumbs, she leaves clues… Mother Nature knows how to disguise her weakness as strength.”

World War Z follows a global outbreak of zombie-ism. Brad Pitt stars as former UN fella Gerry Lane (is in my ears and in my eyes) as he struggles to keep his family safe. Gerry is brought back in by his former colleague, Thierry Umutoni (Fana Mokoena), to help them find a cure for the pandemic and go on a globe-trotting journey to seek out possible answers. No pressure, then. Despite it being next to nothing like the original book, World War Z manages to keep its head above the generic waters. A clever little twist here and a nice little detail there all add up to a fresh take on the done-to-death zombie idea. Brad Pitt is decent enough as Gerry Lane and Malcolm Tucker himself, Peter Capaldi,  shows up and improves everything just by being him. Director Marc Forster, who was one of the many things wrong with Quantum of Solace, keeps things visually interesting from the awesome opening credits onwards and allows characters room to breathe, which is refreshing in a film like this.

Truth be told, I don’t find zombies to be particularly scary. I contend that most people don’t. To me, they’re too recognisably human to get my fear juices pumpin’. That is not to say I don’t see the merit in them. For one, they are a fantastic social commentary tool. Check out zombie godfather George A. Romero’s excellent Dawn of the Dead, which was a knowing stab or twelve at contemporary consumer culture. It’s no accident that the film depicts brainless beings shambling around a shopping mall. WWZ knows this and also has something to say, using the ways different countries react to the outbreak as some handy satire. Israel, for instance, just finished building the huge wall around itself and North Korea simply removed everyone’s teeth. They’re nice asides, but I kept wishing for more of it. I suspect it was a casualty in the aforementioned “dumbing down for fucktards” process.

The thing that really got my attention in the trailers was the way the zombies moved en masse like a tidal wave and could even stack and climb like a load of pissed-off army ants. These are still the stand-out moments of the film. The effects are decent enough and at least it’s something we haven’t seen before. The action sequences are ludicrously entertaining and extremely well done. The sight of thousands of zombies stacking up outside of Israel’s walls is one I won’t soon forget. For all its globe-trotting, World War Z can feel incredibly small at times. Gerry visits Camp Humphreys in South Korea, but it boils down to a runway and a bunker. The third act also takes place in a medical centre in Wales, which feels like it’s been bolted on from another film. These aren’t bad bits by any means, it’s just that it sits at odds with the global feel of the rest of the film. Plus, the little ripple of laughter at the mention of Cardiff Airport got at the Cardiff Bay screening I went to was delightful.

“Most people don’t believe something can happen until it already has. That’s not stupidity or weakness, that’s just human nature.”

I’m struggling to say too much more about World War Z. It’s quite schizophrenic in a few ways. In some areas,  it’ll keep some of the satire and edge of the book, but then it’ll pull its punches in others. It’ll give us a big, sprawling adventure but then relocate to a small set somewhere. The overall effect is quite strange. I’m sure this is down to the hasty reshoots and rewritings. WWZ is better than the sum of its parts, but I can’t imagine anyone getting too excited about it. Most of the problems can be attributed to studio involvement, trying not to piss off the overseas markets they’ve suddenly realised exist outside of America and become reliant on in recent years. I hope the promised and already announced sequel fixes these niggles. When it comes down to it, World War Z is a perfectly decent zombie film with the potential for true greatness. See you all in the queue for WWZ II: Electric Boogaloo.

Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Black Pearl (Redux)

I’ve been looking for a personal project for a while. By chance, I happened to replace my knackered Pirates of the Caribbean set and started thinking about Disney’s live action output in the past decade.  Most of it follows the Pirates formula, but it has some interesting anomalies and talking points. Whilst I have reviewed some of them before, I read them back and cringed myself to death, resurrected and decided to do something about it. From today, my focus is going to be 100% Disney as I’m going to be reviewing the Pirates films, the National Treasures, Tron Legacy, John Carter, The Muppets and Prince of Persia: The Sands of Time. There will be unrelated reviews inbetween however. I couldn’t think of anything clever as an umbrella topic to group them all under, so it’s my Live Action Disney-a-thon (or LADathon for shortsies). It’s also been ten years to the day since this film was released. Think of that. You’re old.

Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Black Pearl (2003) (Redux)

pirates_of_the_caribbean_ver3_zpsf6501afb

I suppose in this climate of making a movie of practically anything with a famous name (Battleship, The Lego Movie, Toilet Duck: The Motion Picture etc) it’s not too much of a stretch, but it still strikes me as odd that somebody (or rather many somebodies) invested heavily in a film based off a clunky theme park ride featuring barely mobile animatronic pirates. Having said that, when it comes to film, I’m a firm believer in the notion that there is no such thing as a bad idea, just bad execution. I believe that Curse of the Black Pearl is proof of that. It’s an unapologetically fun film with plenty of swashbuckling action. But you already know that.

“You didn’t beat me. You ignored the rules of engagement. In a fair fight, I’d kill you.”

“That’s not much incentive for me to fight fair, then, is it?”

The plot follows lowly blacksmith and swordmaker Will Turner (Orlando Bloom) and his secret love for the Governor’s daughter, Elizabeth Swann (Keira Knightley). After a while, the crew of the legendary and feared Black Pearl, led by Captain Barbossa (Geoffrey Rush) pillage Port Royal and kidnap Elizabeth. It’s up to Will and imprisoned, eccentric pirate and former Black Pearl Captain, Jack Sparrow (Johnny Depp) to save her. Rewatching the film, I was struck by just how tight the screenplay is. There are no pointless scenes, everything that is set up pays off at some point and the dialogue hits the balance between functional exposition and playful banter throughout. Yeah, I know. All films of this ilk should have a script like that. The sad fact is the majority of them don’t- the sequels to this very film being prime examples. The script is clever, witty and is just plain satisfying. The duo of Ted Elliot and Terry Rossio, previously known best for writing Shrek, the criminally underrated The Road to El Dorado and Disney’s own Aladdin, manage to inject the then stale pirate genre with some much needed fun and adventure.

It’s strange that I still rate this film despite it having two of the most wooden leads in recent memory. Both Knightley and Bloom act like recent lobotomy cases, dialogue dripping from their mouths with barely any inflection or feeling. Whilst most of the jokes are given to Depp, any humour that the script affords Will and Elizabeth is killed stone dead by the delivery. Check out the bit where Sparrow has assembled a ragtag bunch of pirates to chase The Black Pearl. Will says “Well, you’ve proved they’re mad!”. It’s not the best one-liner, granted- but the way Bloom hits the line is like he’s never heard a joke before. Another actor could have sold it better. Same with my most hated line in the whole film: Elizabeth’s “You like pain?… (she strikes a pirate with an oar) try wearing a corset!”. Not only is it a god-awful line, the delivery stinks. Ugh. On the better acting side of things. Depp is obviously the scene-stealer and his performance in Black Pearl has stood the test of time and shitty sequels. The man knows his way around a gag. Often overlooked is Geoffrey Rush who is clearly having a whale of a time as Barbossa. He’s not cartoonishly evil, but he has his moments. He also handles the all-important wit with skill. Similarly, Jack Davenport is a fantastic straight man and is often ignored in favour of Depp’s peacocking by most people.

Above all else, Curse of the Black Pearl is FUN. Remember when blockbusters were fun? It has proper swashbuckling action, great swordfights and special effects that still hold up for the most part. I will always love the moonlight reveal of Barbossa’s literal skeleton crew. The final swordfight between Barbossa and Sparrow as they move through piles of gold and shafts of moonlight is fantastic. I will never tire of Jack and Elizabeth being stranded on an island, leading to the famous “why is the rum gone?” line. There are some fantastic character beats in this bit and it elevates the film significantly.

There are so many things about Black Pearl that I find refreshing. The fact that none of the characters are fucking idiots and capable of independent thought is a major one. For instance, Jack only agrees to help Will after learning his surname and asking some not-so-subtle questions about his father. In most films this’d be presented as a big reveal later on, but not here. Will confronts Sparrow on the way there and we’re done and dusted. I also really like the motivation of Barbossa and his crew. They’re not out-and-out evil. They’re bad people alright, but no worse than Sparrow himself. All they want is their terrible curse to be lifted so they can finally enjoy food, drink and “pleasurable company” again. That sounds downright reasonable to me.

Most refreshing of all is the risk that Disney took with this. It was their first PG-13 film, starring an actor known for cult hits not big blockbusters, based off an intellectual property they had knocking around in the shed and given the full support of Disney’s marketing arm. A mere decade later and the landscape has completely changed. Last year’s John Carter (review coming soon) was a risk, but Disney had no real faith in it, didn’t market it properly and it bombed. This year’s Lone Ranger looks to suffer the same fate, despite them cranking up the obnoxious advertising dial a few notches. As you know, the Pirates gamble paid off and launched an entire franchise that’s not done yet (work is underway on a fifth film). I just like it when studios think outside of the box and are rewarded for it.

“Where’s Elizabeth?”

“She’s safe, just like I promised. She’s all set to marry Norrington, just like she promised. And you get to die for her, just like you promised. So we’re all men of our word really… except for, of course, Elizabeth, who is in fact, a woman.”

It may get unfairly tarred with the same brush as the rest of the series, but Curse of the Black Pearl is a hugely enjoyable film and one of the best examples of being fun for the whole family. It’s bloody brilliant, savvy?

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Man of Steel

Hey guys, I went to see one of those “super hero” movies everyone’s been talking about!

Man of Steel (2013)

2006’s Superman Returns has a bad rep. I would argue that most of it is ill-deserved too. For one reason or another, audiences didn’t really connect with it and here we are. After pretty much dining out on Batman for the past 8 years, DC knew they had to step their game up to catch market leaders Marvel. Pre-release, I went back and forth on being excited for Man of Steel, but eventually settled on getting hyped. I rationalised it thusly: DC can’t afford for the film to suck. They still have eyes on a Justice League film and it’s not going to happen if people don’t like Superman. The script is by David S. Goyer, who has  had great success with the Dark Knight trilogy. Speaking of ol’ Bats, director Chris Nolan had taken the producer role this time and had a hand in the scripting.  All the elements are there. Director Zack Snyder has a great eye for visuals, but tends to get a bit carried away with himself (see the visually arresting but offensively shit Sucker Punch) but the down-to-earth duo of Goyer and Nolan would keep him grounded. All the time though I had a niggling voice in the back of my skull. The trailers certainly pointed towards a gritty, more realistic take on Superman. I hate this “grittification” of superhero films. Just because it worked for Batman, doesn’t mean it’s suitable for everything. We learned this lesson with the pandering, shoe-gazing The Amazing Spider-Man, which took all the fun out of Spidey and left us with an angsty chore of a film.

“My son was in the bus! He saw what Clark did!”

Despite everyone and their dog knowing Superman’s origin story, Man of Steel tells the tale of Kal-El (Henry Cavill), an humanoid alien who was shipped off the dying planet of Krypton as a baby by his parents and sent to Earth, where he was raised by the Kents (Kevin Costner and Diane Lane). Whilst on Earth, Kal-El (named “Clark” by the Kents) discovers he possesses superhuman abilities, like super-strength, laser vision and with enough practice, flight.  After keeping his identity semi-secret for decades, it all starts coming undone when intrepid investigative journalist Lois Lane (Amy Adams) starts digging around following various urban legends about a mysterious man’s superhuman feats. Clark is forced to come out of hiding when fellow Kryptonian and war-mongering bastard General Zod (Michael Shannon) and his group of thugs threaten to commit planet-wide genocide unless Kal-El gives himself up. Reading that back, I realised Man of Steel‘s story is solid. It’s a fresh take on the familiar and it works. The cast are all great too. Cavill is a brilliant lead, Adams nails a tricky role and Shannon is a fantastic villain. Star of the show for me though was Kevin Costner as Jonathan Kent. The Kents are integral to the Superman story as they give him his morality and understanding of the human race. Costner gives some wonderful speeches to the young Clark that manage to be genuinely affecting. I want him as my dad.

The film’s opening didn’t give me a lot of hope for the rest of it. We see Supes’ dad, Jor-El (Russell Crowe) arguing with the council over Krypton’s future, then a takeover attempt by Zod. Jor-El takes it upon himself to steal this thing and blah blah blah. There’s an awful bit where he calls a big CGI dragonfly/bat thing and rides it amidst explosions and all sorts of shit. It was a CGI nightmare akin to Attack of the Clones-  just packing the screen with as much CGI as it can handle. It all goes a bit Avatar with the flying beast, then a bit Matrix as we see babies in pods. I felt my heart sink. Was this it? Thankfully, the film pulls it round, but it was a scary 20 minutes, I tells ya.

I suppose the two main criticisms of Superman Returns were its retro cornball approach to the mythos and lack of action. Both of which are answered here with varying degrees of success. The film takes on Superman’s origins as a course of solemn duty more than anything else. It takes itself very seriously and I think that’s my main problem with it. I also think by taking this approach, DC are just confirming the misconception that Superman is a boring hero. Yeah, he’s practically invulnerable and has nearly all the powers, but he has the weight of humanity on his shoulders. He can punch a meteor into dust, but he can’t stop the people he cares for from being endangered or dying. None of that really comes through in the film. Superman’s just another introspective hero douche. I think they rushed the Lois/Clark thing too. I didn’t buy the love angle for one minute and I wish they’d held off until a sequel.

In action terms, things have been kicked up a fucktillion notches. The film can barely go 5 minutes without some big sequence happening and I loved it. The superhuman smackdowns between Zod’s crew and Superman are incredibly well done and injections of much-needed fun. I never got tired of watching people getting punched with the force of a freight train and flying backwards through debris and various shameless corporate tie-in buildings. Superman’s final fight with Zod is a proper climax too. Metropolis gets leveled and it’s genuinely thrilling stuff. I was exhausted and deafened by the time it was all over, but I was still pretty content.

“He will be an outcast. They’ll kill him!”

“How? He’ll be a god to them.”

Man of Steel is an odd one. Instead of a bold step to try and bring DC up to the Marvel benchmark, it’s a strange case of trying to make a square peg fit a round hole. Putting the all-American bastion of good through the dark ‘n gritty filter doesn’t work. It’s all a mite too cynical for me. Levity isn’t a bad word. You can have earnest without being corny. The Captain America flick is a great example. In this film, characters are almost embarrassed to call him “Superman” and that’s part of the problem. Man of Steel certainly isn’t bad. I liked a lot of the elements, but it didn’t hang together as a whole. The tone is also all wrong. For fuck’s sake, it’s Superman! Let’s try and have a little fun when sequel time rolls around, eh?

The Purge

Holy prompt review, Batman!

The Purge (2013)

I’m a sucker for simple high-concept films. Stuff like In Time (time is literally money) and Limitless (there’s a pill that can make you super smart) are like freakin’ catnip to me. So when I heard about The Purge, I was intrigued, despite knowing it’d probably be disappointing and not fulfill the promise of its batshit concept.

“I couldn’t find any quotes for The Purge.”

America, 2022. Unemployment is down to 1%, the economy is booming and crime is practically non-existent. This is attributed to The Purge, an annual event brought in by America’s new founding fathers. Basically, once a year for 12 hours, all crime (including murder) is legal and all emergency services are suspended. The idea behind this being that human beings are naturally violent, hate-filled creatures who need to vent out their frustrations to coexist peacefully the rest of the time. We follow minted home security salesman James Sandin (Ethan Hawke) as he and his family, headed by wife Mary (Lena Headey) secure their house and prepare for the night ahead. However, whilst in lockdown mode, son Charlie (Max Burkholder) takes pity on a bloodied and distressed stranger (Edwin Hodge) outside and lets him into their fortress. Before the Sandins know it, they’re being threatened by a masked gang of murderous posh kids and given the ultimatum to either bring out the stranger, or have them break in and slaughter all in the house.

I really like the premise and have done since I caught a short TV ad for it a while back. For 12 hours all crime is legal? Fuck, the fun you can have with that. Yes, you can blow holes in the concept with your big ol’ cynicism and reality cannons, but I don’t trust people who can’t suspend disbelief. See- this sort of situation would justify having a veritable arsenal in your home. This must be what devout, “cold dead hands” NRA members see in their mind’s eye when they reach orgasm. Important point- this is not the horror it’s being billed as. I know the poster has a creepy mask fella on it and proudly boasts it’s from the producers of Sinister and Paranormal Activity, but that means practically nothing. It’s more of a thriller with jump scares. Really underwhelming jump scares. The cast are all bland as fuck, except maybe the “polite leader” of the mask group (Rhys Wakefield) who is so gleeful in being a bastard it’s impossible not to warm to him. I was disappointed to see Queen Mean Lena Headey fade into the background for most of the runtime. She gets some moments later on, but by that point you’re well past giving a shit about anyone.

The film starts off really well. We have an opening CCTV montage of various violent Purge acts happening around the States, set to Debussy’s “Clair de lune” (although, pleb that I am, I first recognised it as the Peggle Nights music). Coupled with the Stepford feel to the sunny surburban life the Sandins have, it does a great job of building a sense of creeping dread. It reminded me of the start of The Hunger Games, possibility because of the similar idea of government-sanctioned violence and murder. There’s a great little bit where the daughter Zoey (Adelaide Kane, kept in a kinky Catholic schoolgirl outfit because of reasons) and her dungus boyfriend (Tony Oller) look out the window pre-lockdown and see a neighbour nonchalantly sharpening a massive machete in preparation for the night’s festivities. The news reports analysing the Purge phenomenon are pretty well used too. There’s a none-too-subtle political undercurrent about how The Purge may just have been a way to get rid of the poor and as a result, caused the economy to not only recover, but come on leaps and bounds.  These are all interesting, compelling ideas. It’s just a damn shame the film then goes about dismantling any intrigue and tension from there.

The first problem is that the characters don’t speak like human beings. It’s like writer/director DeMonaco has heard several humans interacting in his time and just gave it his best shot when it came to scripting. A lot of the dialogue is used to signpost shit later on. There’s one bit where weird kid Charlie has a remote control car/camera thing (made to look like a half burnt baby doll/tank hybrid for some arbitrary reason) and he explains to his mother all the modifications he’s made, including night vision, making it practically silent and the ability to play music. Gee- do you think those attributes will perhaps come in handy later? When shit hits the fan, the Sandins’ dialogue gets disappointingly nail-on-the-head which betrays the potentially interesting social commentary.

There are plenty of things that don’t make sense, but most didn’t bother me. The one (mildly spoiler-ish) thing that stuck in my craw was early on where the family talk about James banning his daughter from seeing her boyfriend Henry because he’s too old for her. This is also signposted to buggery. He sneaks back into the house just before lockdown and tells Zoey he wants to talk to her dad and hash out their problems. The siren sounds, the steel shutters decend and he grabs his gun and takes a potshot at Sandin Snr. I mean, what the fuck? I know murder is legal, but didn’t it occur to Henry that perhaps ending his GF’s dad’s life, no matter how above board would make her not want to see him again? Was he lying about loving her? Just what would he have to gain from murdering Sandin? I didn’t understand and the loopy logic kept niggling at the back of my brain throughout the rest of the film.

Things then take a turn for the action-y as the film devolves into a home invasion film with jump scares. As I said, these scares are also serious weak sauce. I got the feeling the film was running out of ideas as several supposedly tense altercations are solved by someone off-screen shooting the attackers. Fucking yawn. Also, CGI blood. A cardinal sin. This goes on for a bit before winding down to an anti-climactic finish. I barely heard the last few lines over my sighs of disappointment.

“Still, most of the dialogue’s akin to a Brillo pad enema, so small mercies, I guess.”

I really wanted to like The Purge, but it felt like nearly every aspect of it was actively working against that goal. This’d be one of the very few properties that I’d like to see get a sequel. Just get a better writer and you could have something really compelling. It’s not terrible, but not good either.

The Hangover Part III

Since loads of people saw this on Wednesday and I finally got round to finishing my Gatsby write-up, I reckon it’s about time to type my thoughts down about Part Trois of  Le Trilogie D’angover as I saw it a few days ago.

The Hangover Part III (2013)

It’s very easy to sneer derisively at stuff like this, with its lowbrow, for-the-masses humour and vulgarity. It’s so easy, I’ve done it at least once before as seen here. Thing is, I’m feeling pretty philosophical about it all. The original Hangover wasn’t for me. I just couldn’t find it funny. Then again, I’m aware different people find different things funny, so whatever. In any case, I have to admit the central idea was fun, but it isn’t the comedy classic drooling wankers hold it up to be. I don’t hate the playa, I hate the game – and that “game” is the audience who think The Hangover is anything more than a dirty little smudge on the proud tradition of cinematic comedy. It’s actually pretty depressing to think we live in a world where there’s a Hangover trilogy.

“We can’t be friends anymore. When we get together, bad things happen and people get hurt.”

So, Dumbus, Bibble and Squit (Bradley Cooper, Ed Helms and Zach Galifianakis) buck the trend by not waking up from a hectic night’s drinking, but just having to go on a caper involving scary man Marshall (John Goodman), series regular Mr. Chow (Ken Jeong) and a fuckton of stolen gold. The Wolfpack have to track down Chow in an adventure that takes them everywhere from Tijuana to old haunt Las Vegas. It seems odd to praise a film for not doing things, but I don’t have much to work with here. I have to commend the film for actually steering away from the formula. What they come up with (an uninspired action comedy romp) isn’t any better, but at least it isn’t the carbon copy the second one was. In a similar vein, thank Christ this wasn’t in 3D. “The Hangover 3D” trips off the tongue so easily I bet there was some serious lobbying for some pointless dimensionalising before and after filming got underway.  Of the cast, I like some of the actors but they’re all slumming it here, especially Ken Jeong who is fucking funny in Schrodinger’s sitcom Community but is just a big old mirthless stereotype here.

As I said, I’ve never found the series funny, but I get the feeling even fans of the franchise will walk away disappointed from this one. There just aren’t enough jokes. The film gets hung up on a buddy movie kick and as a result are the “wacky” scenarios are toned right down. The laughs from the audience were a lot sparser than for the shite Hangover II at any rate. I’d be fine with the franchise switching gears into more of an action comedy, but the setpieces aren’t that good. They just imitate things that have gone before. At the start, Chow escapes prison (in a Shawshank parody of all fucking things) and drops into a tunnel, only to hear a deep rumbling and be chased by a wall of water. Later on, in a hi-larious sequence, Alan causes a traffic accident that ends up with a huge truck jackknifing and spilling its hackneyed payload of massive, all-purpose pipes. I get that I’ve seen more films than most, but I refuse to believe that anyone with eyes has not seen these clichés somewhere before. Sure, it could be a pastiche, but I doubt it. In order to even be considered for something like that, there needs to be at least a sparkle of wit and intelligence to be found somewhere within. The only half decent sequence is a bit where Stu has to pursue a parachuting Chow in a speeding limo. It doesn’t win any bonus points though, because Bond crapflick A View to a Kill had a similar, better sequence 30 years ago.

“Where is he? Leslie Chow stole twenty million from me, and I figure the Wolfpack have the best chance of finding him! Doug is my insurance!”

I’ve run out of things to say about Part III. It was a joyless experience that seemed to be more concerned with slapping any old toss together to make a quick buck than making people laugh. It feels and plays out like a contractual obligation. Fucking dire.

The Great Gatsby

Since Gatsby actually came out before Star Trek, I probably should have covered it first. However, I get the feeling that more people have had the chance to catch it now, so I don’t feel bad having a spoilerrific piece. With that in mind, let’s begin:

The Great Gatsby (2013)

I’m not the biggest Luhrmann fan. I liked his version of Romeo + Juliet and Moulin Rouge was alright, I guess, but I find the guy to be a bit too impressed with himself. How can I say this about a man I’ve never met? Well, I’m on the Internet for one, where anyone can say anything about anyone else and it’s apparently fine, but secondly and more importantly, I can just feel it from his work. It’s the same thing I get from Guy Ritchie. They’re all style and no substance. Here’s the kicker- their styles aren’t even that decent. They think they’re being all meaningful and deep, but actually adhere to student film hallmarks when it comes to symbolism and being a no-nothing pretentious twunt. As for the source novel, I have read it, but it’s been goddamn years since. I enjoyed it and I remember the salient points, but I’m hardly a supermegafan. Anyway, let’s take a hopefully ilLUHRMANNating gander at Da Sick Gatz, innit:

“I knew it was a great mistake for a man like me to fall in love.”

The Great Gatsby is based on the classic novel by F. Scott Fitzgerald. It follows Nick Carraway ( Tobey Maguire), a rookie bond salesman, as he sets up a life for himself New York, renting a small house in the (sadly fictional) Long Island village of West Egg. His humble home happens to be next door to the huge estate of mysterious rich man and apparent recluse, Jay Gatsby (Leonardo DiCaprio) who throws countless lavish parties for the rich and famous in his mansion.  Across the way in East Egg is Nick’s cousin Daisy Buchanan (Carey Mulligan) and her husband Tom (Joel Edgerton). Everything’s pretty normal until one day when Nick gets a formal invitation to one of Gatsby’s parties. The story is a school-studied classic and rightly so. It’s a tale full of excess, decadence, tragedy and love. I’m not going to start picking it apart, am I? What I can have a go at is the weird framing device that’s used in the film where Carraway is checked in to a rehab centre for alcohol addiction and exhaustion. He then recounts his tale as part of his therapy. It works, but I’m not sure it was entirely needed. The cast are a mixed bag. Tobey Maguire is merely OK as Nick. He’s hardly Mr. Charisma, but then he isn’t supposed to be. However, listening to hours of his particular brand of perpetually pubescent narration may grate. DiCapriSun is decent, but that’s no surprise. My only problem with him was the way he said Gatsby’s famous phrase “old sport”. To me, it kept sounding like he was calling Carraway “Old Spore” and it bugged the fuck out of me. What is a surprise is how flat ol’ Mary Chulligan’s Daisy is. It’s not her fault though, she’s a fantastic actress in other things, just not paid much heed here. I remember people writing entire papers on how complex Daisy Buchanan was in the novel. You’d struggle to fill a postage stamp with what you learn about her from the film. The one part I think was absolutely nailed was the boorish, cheatin’ Tom Buchanan. Joel Edgerton does a great job and is pretty much how I imagined the character to be.

I think the first question most people will be looking to answer for themselves is whether the film is faithful to the novel. Well, to my mind at least, it is and it isn’t. Outside of the odd framing device, the film sticks pretty damn closely to the text. Every key moment and bit of dialogue that I could remember was present and correct.  It even goes so far as having some of the text appear on the screen in an “arty” (read: stupid) kind of way. The film certainly captures the spirit of the Roaring Twenties, with booze filled parties and flapperism. Where it steers away from the novel is in the exploration of deeper themes. It’s a shallow film, confident with visual flair and glamour, but not really able to touch on anything with any meaning. It’s merely a bunch of glitzy stuff that happens. That’s not to say there isn’t some value in that. The visuals are the best thing about the film, with Gatsby’s parties a massive highlight. I liked seeing the Valley of Ashes brought to life too.

Pre-release much had been made of the film’s soundtrack and Luhrmann’s decision to forgo period music for contemporary hip-hop. In theory, I was on board. Nothing encapsulates the world of drug-fuelled excess more than modern hip-hop, so I was with ol’ Baz. In practice, it ain’t all that. It just looks like a massively expensive pop video for the most part. In addition, there are a few period covers of songs like “Back to Black” but again, it’s not that impressive. To be honest, Django Unchained did a better job of meshing rap to its 19th century setting and Bioshock Infinite showed how anachronistic covers of songs should be done. I’m sure it’ll seem like “genius” to some people, but then some people are fucking thick.

“My life…my life has to be like this. It has to keep going up.”

Gatsby‘s a passable experience. I would say I enjoyed it, but once I got past the trappings of the shiny, shiny visuals, I found myself wanting something more significant. It’s not without its charms, but it’s a rather colloquial take on the novel. More importantly, it doesn’t do enough to justify its own existence. The Redford version is better.