Author: Ben Browne

War Horse

Yup, a review of a current film you won’t struggle to find showings of. This means you can consider this consumer advice if you wanted to. I could actually save you money. Well, unless I end up giving this film a rather schizophrenic review and award it an average three stars or summat.

War Horse (2012)
If the insane amount of marketing is to be believed, Spielberg is “back and better than ever” and War Horse promises to jerk more tears than a (insert thing that jerks a lot of tears in a semi-comedic situation). The glowing reviews also seemed to confirm that yes, this is a film that harkens back to the good ol’ days of moviemaking and moved captive audiences to floods of tears. Maybe my X79 Emotion Simulator Chip is loose, but I sat down and two and a half hours later I stood up again, no more moved than when I went in. I was baffled to see people, their faces shining with fresh sad juice walking past me, pulling those weird faces that people do when they’re embarrassed about crying and trying to laugh it off by exaggerating things like dabbing their eyes. Once again, the emotional disconnect between the general public and myself grows ever deeper. 
“Gentlemen, it is an honour to ride beside you. Make the Kaiser rue the day he crossed swords with us. Let every man do himself, his King, his country, and his fallen comrades proud. Be brave.”
Set in Dartmoor in 1914, War Horse is the story of a bond between farmer’s boy Albert Narracott (Jeremy Irvine) and Joey the horse. After his drunken father (Peter Mullan) sells the horse to the British Army to pay  the rent on his struggling farm, the heartbroken Albert vows to find Joey again, no matter what. The story is that horse story i.e. a child/teenager forms an unlikely bond with an unruly horse and the pair soon reach a mutual understanding. Which is fine, I guess. A bit girly though. Good thing we have a socking great war in the middle though, for us barrel-chested lads. What sets War Horse apart from other “horsey” films is that we see the different perspectives of war through Joey’s ever-changing owners. For instance, in one scene we have a grandfather and granddaughter taking care of the horse and in another we see Joey being put to work as a literal war horse, lugging a massive cannon up a muddy hill for Ze Germans. The film is almost episodic and plays like a parallel universe Tarantino film, where characters exchange loving looks and sentimentality instead of f-words and bullets. Obviously the acting is up to scratch- newcomer Jeremy Irvine impressed the fuck out of me, whereas seasoned actors like Peter Mullan, Emily Watson and David Thewlis all gave an air of class to proceedings. 
Before I start working the ribs, let me just say, I didn’t hate War Horse. It’s impressive filmmaking. The fine acting on display, the golden cinematography and the unapologetically melodramatic John Williams score all add up to a fantastically well made film. There are elements I loved, it’s just the plot didn’t really work for me. Having said that, there’s a sequence in No Man’s Land which was brilliant and moving, without being mawkish. I also love that War Horse has a response to Rise of the Planet of the Apes‘ “Gorilla Vs. Helicopter” awesomeness. New for 2012, it’s “Horse Vs. Tank”! The war sequences are effective and surprisingly harrowing considering we never see any bloodshed on screen. I also liked the fact that the film keeps the Devon setting, despite the downside that everyone in the first half hour talks like Samwise fucking Gamgee.
I’m not made of stone. I have cried at films before and I’m only semi-ashamed to say that the last film I remember crying at was Wall-E. My final line in the first paragraph about “the emotional disconnect” between Joe Public and I may read like a smug bellend typing down unjustified reason #7002 on why he thinks he’s better than everyone else. I assure you, this is not the case. There’s nothing better than having a collective audience response in a film, be it laughing at the same bits or even applauding at the end. I like feeling like part of a group. Thing is, War Horse was too obvious to illicit tears from me, if that makes sense. There were no surprise emotional gut-punches or sudden tragic turns. Yeah, the horse goes through some hardship, but it didn’t make me bawl like a bitch. I empathised, sure, but that’s where it stopped.
 “I could love you no less, but I could hate you more.”
War Horse is good, but I felt it took too long to tell a simple, rather hackneyed story. Despite doing a good job giving Joey a personality, I just wasn’t invested enough to have a lump in my throat at any point. It’s a masterclass in the technical side of making films, it just left me feeling underwhelmed after reports of people sobbing out their spleens in preview screenings. I was going to make a joke about much rather seeing a film called War Whores, but they effectively did that and it wasn’t much fun either.

The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo

Back with my first post of 2012. May as well start the year as I mean to go on, which means I have a pile of films to talk about like anyone wants to hear another nerd’s justification for why he doesn’t go out and meet someone nice.

The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo (2011)

2012 has an abundance of films I’d put off my own grandmother’s funeral to see. 2011 didn’t. There were films that interested me, but nothing that made me leap off my seat and start scratching at the door like a dog wanting to go walkies. The only film that came close was David Fincher’s The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo. Why? Well, I liked the Swedish original, my perpetual man-crush Daniel Craig stars and it’s directed by David Fincher, a man who could direct a film called Ben Browne Loves Scrotum and I would still be clamouring for a ticket on opening day.

“You will be investigating thieves, misers, bullies, the most detestable collection of people you will ever meet – my family.”
The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo is based on the first novel in the best-selling Millennium trilogy (original title Män som hatar kvinnor- i.e. Men Who Hate Women) by Steig Larsson. In it, we follow disgraced journalist Mikael Blomkvist (Daniel Craig) as he is drafted in by retired industrialist Henrik Vanger (Christopher Plummer) to solve a 40 year old case of the murder of his great-niece. Blomkvist soon finds himself way over his head and hires a research assistant in the form of prickly, motorbiking, Goth, master hacker Lisbeth Salander (Rooney Mara) to help with the case. If you haven’t read or seen this story before, there are enough twists and turns on the standard murder mystery formula to keep you guessing. The main strength of the film is the crime solving double act of Blomkvist and Salander, a chalk and cheese pairing that simply works. Daniel Craig is Daniel Craig, but you get the feeling he was hired due to his starpower and the fact that he’s the current Bond- a point I’ll come back to in a bit. Rooney Mara is undoubtedly the talking point in this film. She manages to nail both the damaged vulnerability and simmering rage elements that make the character work. This is a star-making turn for her and I look forward to seeing her in plenty of films in the near future. Of the supporting cast, Christopher Plummer gives a surprising performance as the frail Henrik Vanger and Stellan Skarsgård uses his big, friendly face to his advantage as Martin Vanger.
You may be asking what the point is in remaking a film that’s barely three years old and was perfectly fine to begin with. It’s a good point, but there’s more to this than simply remaking it to be all American-like. For starters, there’s a big debate on whether this film is a remake at all, although some of the shots and performances certainly indicate the production team have at least seen the 2009 film. If you were planning on avoiding this one on the principle that it’s an American retelling of a successful foreign film (like The Grudge or The Ring) I implore you not to. A lot of effort has been made to make it true to the original story. The only real difference is that everyone speaks English and the film has bigger name actors. The Swedish locales and everything that made the first one a breath of fresh air (thank Christ this wasn’t reworked to be set in Los Angeles or New York) are kept. It’s important to remember the original films were made for TV and as such could benefit from a cinematic upgrade, especially handled by David Fincher.

I’m a bit of a meathead when it comes whats I likes. I found 2009’s Dragon Tattoo, starring the traffic-stoppingly beautiful Noomi Rapace, to be a very entertaining, if tough, watch. I’m not sure whether it was the sheer number of characters mentioned (the Vanger family and their relationships to each other are central to the plot) or what, but I wasn’t completely taken in by it. Fincher’s version is more streamlined that the 2009 one, with Steven Zaillian’s screenplay chopping and changing certain characters to make the film flow better. I’m not sure whether this is a good thing or not, although I understood the intricacies of the plot more in this ‘un. The film is still very similar to the 2009 one but with a different feeling to it. It’s certainly better shot and made. There’s even a trippy Bond-like title sequence (which you can see here), which whilst awesome, is slightly at odds with the quiet menace of the rest of the film. By the way, if the makers of that don’t get the call to do the Skyfall opening titles, I will be shocked.

Actually, talking of Bond, I feel we are meant to take Craig’s 007 persona into account in his role as Blomkvist in one way, but disregard it in another. The character of Blomkvist is a womaniser, something that’s not really explored in the Fincher film, but we take it as read, because, hey- the dude’s James Bond. On the other hand, Blomkvist isn’t meant to be accustomed to the danger he finds himself in and is, in a way, the male damsel (mansel?) in distress, which is obviously very un-Bondlike. I have no problem separating characters from actors, it’s just that Craig’s Blomkvist is a bit of a blank slate, which makes it easy to project onto. Sure, lots of things happen to him, but I’m not sure I could write a quick paragraph outlining his character. I could write a whole sodding book about Mara’s Salander though. Whilst I think both Mara and Rapace play the role well, I think Mara has the slight edge. Rapace played her as someone you just wouldn’t mess with, whereas Mara’s vulnerability is a bit more apparent, which makes it easier to understand why people try and take advantage of her.

“Rape, torture, fire, animals, religion. Am I missing anything?”

Most of the good in the film is also the good in the 2009 version. There’s some genuinely disturbing scenes, a fantastic retribution scene which is so unpleasant, yet air-punchingly cathartic it’ll be etched on your brain like a sloppily done tattoo. As with previous incarnations, when the mystery starts unravelling, it’s all bloody compelling. Still, if you’ve yet to experience the Millennium trilogy in any of its forms, now’s the time. I’ve got big hopes for the already announced sequel. It’s not the most necessary remake/reinterpretation/whatever, but I enjoyed it for what it was- a populist, pulp murder-mystery made by a team of talented filmmakers at the top of their game. Which version is better? I’m not going to get into that argument now, but each have their merits. Recommended.

Mission: Impossible – Ghost Protocol

‘nother new film, ‘nother new review. It’s a slight change from the norm as I went to go and see this at the nearest IMAX cinema. It’s the first proper feature film I’ve seen on one of those honking great screens and I must admit, it was pretty damn impressive. It’s not more “immersive” though in the same way 3D isn’t. I will concede that certain shots do have a considerable wow factor to them though. What I didn’t like was the IMAX adverts beforehand, telling you how fucking special it all is. There’s even some pseudo-scientific “calibration” bit, booming things like “Readying 12,000 watt digital speakers” and “Preparing audience for maximum enjoyment” like it was Space Mountain or something. At that moment, in a cinema in the fucking freezing Cardiff Bay, where a mishandled Coke cup had resulted in a sticky, wet sock-shaped dose of reality, this crap had no place.

Mission: Impossible – Ghost Protocol (2011)
Quick! Name a spy series. If this question was asked in the street and not under a feckin’ poster for the latest Mission: Impossible, you’d probably name the Bond films. After that? Probably Bourne. Chances are the Mission: Impossible franchise would be pretty low down the list, despite having three previous films,  each helmed by prolific directors and all starring perpetual A-lister Tom Cruise. Now, since I can’t be arsed to write full reviews for the previous entries (for now) here’s a quick rundown, so you know what to think when asked about them:

Mission: Impossible (1996)- A bit too convoluted for its own good. Betrayal a major theme. Has that super-famous scene where TC is lowered in like a Thunderbirds puppet with half its strings snagged on a nail. Entertaining enough. Tom Cruise runs away from: water in that bit where he blows up a fish tank

M:I -2 (2002) – Fun, but completely fucking ridiculous. Really decent action beats. Tom Cruise has distractingly long hair. Tom Cruise runs away from: a decent barber and doves in slllooooww moootioon.

Mission: Impossible III (2006) – Same notes as for M: I-2 except slightly less ridiculous, obeys most of the laws of physics this time round and Cruise has had a haircut. Philip Seymour Hoffman steals scenes.Tom Cruise runs away from: a massive bridge explosion, slamming him into a car.

“That’s it. Next time, I get to seduce the rich guy.”

After being framed for a bombing of the Kremlin, IMF agent Ethan Hunt (Tom Cruise) and his team of Benji Dunn (Simon Pegg), Jane Carter (Paula Patton) and the mysterious Brandt (Jeremy Renner) are disavowed and IMF are shut down. However, the team learn of some stolen nuclear weapons codes by a man named Hendricks (Michael Nyqvist) and so have to race to stop him causing nuclear war, all without the safety net of backup. Whilst I liked the fact that the IMF team had to work without creature comforts like the masks etc (although they do still have rather a lot of impossibly cool spy shit) the plot was as hackneyed as they come. Countless films, books and games have covered the Russian nuclear war angle and I wish they’d have had a stronger, more original story to pad out the fun team dynamic and the action set pieces. Tom Cruise is Tom Cruise, Paula Patton was pretty good, Simon Pegg is funny, but nowhere near as funny as the film thinks he is and Jeremy Renner made me glad he’s playing Hawkeye in The Avengers. It was also weird to see Blomkvist from the Millennium trilogy playing a bad guy.

Plot isn’t exactly the M:I series’ strength, but I liked the ambiguity of the Rabbit’s Foot MacGuffin in the third film. This was all too laid out from the beginning, with no real intrigue. Plus, Hendricks’ motivation is fuzzy. There’s a video of him giving a speech explaining that nuclear war would level the playing field for the human race, but it seems a hell of a step to go from pie-in-the-sky, philosophical musing to actually stealing nuclear codes. I found myself only really paying attention when the team travelled to a location I’d seen in the trailers, and therefore knowing some shit was about to go down. The film opens strongly with a prison breakout that manages to kick things off nicely. The Kremlin infiltration scene is very well done and reminded me why I liked this series in the first place. It’s slicker than your average spy fest. There’s a great bit involving Pegg, Cruise, a massive screen, a camera and an iPad to watch out for too.

Of the numerous money scenes, the clear stand out is Ethan’s scaling of the Burj Kalifa tower in Dubai aka the tallest building in the world. This scene in particular is where the IMAX shone, with the bigger screen giving a real sense of scale to the scene and giving me a real sense of vertigo. It’s one of 2011’s best action sequences and amazingly tense. The film also scores some originality points for being the first film (to my knowledge) to have a scrap in one of those futuristic automated car parks.

As for my famous nit-picking, I only have one real complaint. This film might as well have been called iMission: Impossible. I haven’t seen this many Apple logos since last September’s Pretentious Wanker convention. The mucky fingerprints of Apple product placement are all over this one. Almost the full range of Apple products are on display, with the aforementioned iPad, everyone having iPhones (although Ethan can apparently answer a call on one without needing to touch the screen at all), Benji having a Macbook and the film even ending with Ethan plugging in his iPod. This isn’t the worst offender for product placement by a long shot, but as I stared at the illuminated 6 foot logo on the back of Benji’s laptop (massive screen remember), I caught myself wondering exactly how much money changed hands for it to be there, rather than how our loveable team of rogues were going to avert nuclear disaster.

“This message will self-destruct in 5 seconds.”

Anyway, Ghost Protocol is a perfectly fine popcorn flick. It hasn’t got as much heart as the third one, but it’s got a fun team dynamic and some real standout action scenes. It’s reinvigorated the franchise and if rumours are to be believed, Paramount are already fast-tracking a Mission: Impossible V. See it in IMAX if you can too. Oh, and since I’ve now finished this review, let me summarise it like I did the others:

Mission: Impossible- Ghost Protocol (2011) – Fun, if lacking a decent plot. Dubai sequence truly amazing. Needs funnier Pegg lines. Tom Cruise runs away from: an exploding Kremlin and a sandstorm.

Puss In Boots

It’s that awkward week between Christmas and New Year where the holiday season isn’t quite over yet, but the end is in sight. It’s also a week where parents cart their wretched spawn off to the cinema to keep ’em sedated for a bit, and with today’s hessian prices, it’s cheaper than drowning them in a sack. Speaking of which- Puss in Boots!

Puss in Boots (2011)

After driving the Shrek films into the ground with the godawful Shrek the Third and the slightly less awful, but still shite Shrek Forever After, Dreamworks Animation decided they haven’t squeezed enough out of the topsy-turvy fairytale idea and decided to do a full film based on one of the series’ most popular characters. Like everyone else, I like Puss.What I didn’t like was the idea of a decent supporting character, with his appeal on the wane anyway thanks to the aforementioned celluloid warcrimes, being made into just another boring cash-in vehicle. However, this film has proved one thing to me. If you put time and actual effort into even the laziest of ideas, it is possible to make it good. Also, if the reviews have taught me anything, it’s that people are being paid to write cat puns so simplistic and shit that not even a Christmas cracker would have the audacity to include as a “joke”.

“Fear me, if you dare!”

Puss in Boots is a prequel to the character’s appearance in Shrek 2. We see the heroic Puss (voiced by Antonio Banderas) caught up in a plan, led by ex-childhood friend Humpty Dumpty (Zach Galifianakis) and the mysterious Kitty Softpaws (Salma Hayek), to steal some magic beans from the oafish, pig-raising married couple Jack and Jill (Billy Bob Thornton and Amy Sudaris). The story isn’t exactly amazing, but it’s a good enough framework to support the rest of the film. Antonio Banderas is genuinely funny as Puss and the rest of the voice work is of your standard Hollywood animation high quality.

So, like it or not, the focus in on Puss and thankfully his charm doesn’t wear off. If you love cats (and since you’re reading this on the Internet, statistically you fucking love them) there’s a lot here for you. What I liked about the film though is the fact that they didn’t solely rely on “LOL, he’s a cat!!1” jokes. Yeah, he orders milk and chases spots of light, but they’re few and far enough between to actually be endearing rather than annoying. Plus, if you don’t at least “aww” a little bit when you see Puss as a kitten, you’re made of stronger stuff than I. Part of me wanted to leap up from my seat and hug the screen, sobbing. However, fear of being vilified for such a bizarre act in a screen containing my mother, my grandmother and about 30 kids and their parents kept me firmly in place. Since Puss in Boots is from the Shrek canon, there are a couple of adult aimed jokes- the most obvious one being a guard itemising Puss’ belongings and finding a vial of catnip, to which Puss sheepishly replies “It’s for my glaucoma”. Unusually for this type of film there are very few pop culture references, which is like a breath of fresh air.

I saw the film in eye-massaging 2D and nothing was lost. Like in Kung Fu Panda 2, I could tell it was made to appeal to glasses-wearing saps, due to the choice of camera angles during chase sequences, but it really doesn’t matter how many bloody dimensions you see it in. The set-pieces are great, including a fantastic bit with a beanstalk and an exciting carriage chase with Jack and Jill. What I liked most though was the fact that the whole “blending of fairytales” seems somewhat fresher this time and the characters are well-rounded. The character of Humpty Dumpty for instance, is extremely well done (no pun intended). His arc is believable and yes, surprisingly moving too. That’s right- I found myself sympathising with a cartoon egg. I’m prepared to accept the consequences of what that bold statement will bring.

“You are not as good as they say you are, Miss Softpaws. You’re better.”

I was surprised by how much Puss in Boots entertained me. Maybe it was the mental adjustment of expectations beforehand, but y’know what? It’s fun. It’s colourful, it’s genuinely funny at times and it has a real charm that I wasn’t expecting from a spin-off to a series that has already whored itself out for three sequels, a musical and countless other pieces of tie-in crap. Whilst I know in my heart that Dreamworks have franchise plans up the wazoo for Puss, it doesn’t stop this film from being good. It’s a fun family film that features lots of dancing cats. You know you want to see it.


Sherlock Holmes: A Game of Shadows

After avoiding the cinema for a while, only the promise of more Holmes fun could convince me to pay £2 for a small bottle of Coke. The game’s afoot!

Sherlock Holmes: A Game of Shadows (2011)
So yeah, after the highly enjoyable, if flawed first film I was pumped for the sequel. Especially since it transpired that Holmes’ arch-nemesis, Moriarty, was going to appear. If you can’t be arsed to read that easily clickable link I put in the first sentence, one of my main problems with 2009’s instalment was the fact it had quite a generic villain in the form of Mark Strong’s Lord Blackwood. Now we’ve got Professor Moriarty, evil genius and Holmes equal. Fuck yes.

“If we can stop him, we shall prevent the collapse of Western civilisation. No pressure.”

So, after investigating seemingly unconnected murders and bombings, Sherlock Holmes (Robert Downey Jr.) believes mathematics genius Professor James Moriarty (Jared Harris) to be behind it all. He intercepts a note meant for gypsy girl Sim (Noomi Rapace) and with her in tow unfolds the true extent of Moriarty’s diabolical plans. Meanwhile, Dr. John Watson (Jude Law) is still trying to get married to Mary (Kelly Reilly) despite Holmes’ objections. Put simply, this is what the franchise needed. Whilst the story veers away from the occult theme of the first, we get a proper globe-trotting adventure this time round. RDJ and Law still have the chemistry that made their Holmes and Watson dynamic work so well back in 2009. I also liked the fact that Kelly Reilly got more to work with this time round. Of the newcomers, I found the idea of Stephen Fry as “Sherly”‘s brother, Mycroft to be funnier than he actually is in the film. It’s perfect casting- don’t get me wrong and he is actually funny, it’s just I could have done with seeing more of him (in terms of character, not nudity- there’s plenty of that). The gorgeous Noomi Rapace, previously known for her role as Lisbeth Salander in the original Swedish version of The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo (and its sequels) is rather wasted here in the thankless role of Sim. No problem with her acting chops though and it was fantastic to see her in her first English speaking role. Predictably, the standout here is Jared Harris’ Moriarty- a genius as evil as he is bearded. This is Batman/Joker territory here where the villain is as entertaining to watch as the hero is. He’s fucking fantastic.

I must admit, I didn’t like the opening bits of A Game of Shadows. Whilst the opening action scenes were great and it was good to see Rachel McAdams’ Irene Adler again, when the bread-and-butter Holmes/Watson interplay started it struck me as a bit too forced and contrived. I often find this in sequels such as in the other Downey Jr. super-sequel, Iron Man 2. With that film, I felt that because the audience now expected certain behaviour from Tony Stark, it was written with that in mind, if that makes sense. What I’m saying is, I often find the “wackiness” factor is significantly upped in sequels, sometimes to the point where the fan-favourite character becomes a cartoon of themselves. Luckily (to get back on point) this ebbed away after a while and the banter fell back into familiar, funny form.

I was really impressed with the action beats. We still have the super-slo-mo Holmes fighting, but there are twists on the formula. It’s certainly more action packed that its predecessor. All the action is awesome without exception. My personal favourites being a fantastic scrap with a would-be assassin and a forest sequence that truly amazed me. Also, the not-quite fight sequence between Holmes and Moriarty is incredible. It’s powerful stuff, make no mistake. I’m genuinely finding it difficult remembering the last film I had so much fun watching.

As you’ve probably gathered, Moriarty is the boy. Every scene he and Holmes have is a battle of wits and one-upmanship. There’s mutual respect which makes the scenes all the more interesting. There’s a brilliant spoken game of chess (it’ll make sense when you see it) that had me grinning like a buttcrack enthusiast at a builder’s convention. Whilst simultaneously being on the edge of my seat. Thank Christ cinemas are dark. I can’t even imagine how unsettling that would look to a bystander.

Serious spoilery stuff now, people. So skip to the end if you haven’t seen it yet. (Invisotexted, highlight to read). I was quite disappointed by Irene Adler not lasting that long. I know it’s so we see how callous and evil Moriarty is, but I wanted her to stick around for a bit. As for the chess/waterfall bit. Fucking hell. Having only a passing knowledge of Holmes, as soon as I saw there was a waterfall, I guessed this might be the actual end. It isn’t but I almost wish it was.  Since it looked like that’s where the film was going, I was all ready to applaud the film. No, I didn’t want Holmes dead, but it would have been a completely unforgettable ending. I would love a sequel to this, but I’m always in favour of leaving people wanting more. From that point of view, I felt the ending was a slight cop-out. So, I still feel torn about it. 

“Your clock is ticking.”

So yeah. I had a blast with Game of Shadows. It’s louder and more confident than the first and finally pits Holmes against a worthy adversary who almost steals the show entirely. If you liked the first, you’re in safe hands. Even if you didn’t like the first, you may be surprised by this one. Highly recommended.

Star Wars: Episode VI – Return of the Jedi

Yup, I finally get to remove this Star Wars shaped monkey off my back and finish the saga. As Vader himself once said in A New Hope : “The circle is now complete. Now fuckin’ die you bearded tosser.”

Star Wars: Episode VI – Return of the Jedi (1983) 

I’ve got a proper love/hate thing going on with Jedi. On the one hand, it has some of the trilogy’s best scenes, on the other it’s clear that this was where things started to become less focused on telling a kick-arse story and more on how many new merchandising opportunities could be introduced. It’s also the film that’s suffered the worst additions, be they from the Special Edition or the recent Blu-ray tinkerings.

“I see you have constructed a new lightsaber. Your skills are complete. Indeed you are powerful as the Emperor has foreseen.”

Anyway, Han Solo (Harrison Ford) is still frozen. Luke (Mark Hamill) is still not a Jedi and Leia (Carrie Fisher) has gone to rescue Han from the clutches of gangster slug-thing Jabba the Hutt (Susan Boyle). Meanwhile, the Empire are in the process of building a new Death Star and the Rebels led by Solo and Lando (Billy Dee Williams) plan to attack before their weapons are functional. The story’s a decent end to the Star Wars trilogy, it’s just a shame it had to involve Ewoks.

So, where to begin? Well, the first hour of Jedi rocks the shit. We go from Jabba’s Palace to an old school monster smackdown with a Rancor and then we’re whisked off on Jabba’s sail barge to a sequence taking place in the desert over the Pit of Sarlaac- a fantastic creature that eats men whole and digests them slowly over 1000 years. From there we’ve got Luke saying his goodbyes to Yoda, the great speeder bike chase through the forest of Endor and then…we hit a brick wall in the form of Wicket W. Warrick (Warrick Davies) a cuddly space teddy bear. Nothing against Davies at all, but the Ewoks are shit. Yeah, it’s predictable that I was going to pick on the Ewoks, but they stop me enjoying the film. Despite the baffling Blu add-ons and the crusty anus of a musical number “Jedi Rocks” (which reported cost Lucas a cool $1 million to add to the film back in ’97), it’s classic Star Wars. It’s clear the Ewoks were added to appeal solely to kids. Lucas knew the sweet dollars were from gullible parents who would buy their screaming sprogs any old bit of fuzz to shut them up. This is when Lucas turned. He’s more cash machine now than man.

The Blu-ray changes here are unforgivable. It’s like a middle finger from Lucas that we had to pay for the privilege to receive. When I heard the rumours of the Blu-ray changes, I dismissed them as a joke. After all the addition of “blinking Ewoks” and “a larger door to Jabba’s Palace” sounded like just the sort of thing Lucas was infamous for, but just out there enough to be unrealistic. However, it was all true. All of it. Even the shit that didn’t make sense and just raises further questions. That door for instance- wouldn’t have noticed it before. Now the perspective’s fucked and it looks as fake as hell. Why is he doing this to us?The worst change though is in the climactic scene with Vader, Luke and the Emperor. Palpatine is frying Luke with Force lightning and Luke tries to appeal to his father beneath the machinery.Vader looks from his dying son to the Emperor, who has a look of pure hatred on his face. We sense the conflict in Vader, despite his face being covered. Suddenly, Vader picks up the Emperor and heaves him over a railing to his doom, redeeming himself and saving his son in the process. It was one of my all time favourite Star Wars moments. I hate to sound like a whinging fanboy here, but Lucas ruined it for me. For some fucking bananas reason he decides to echo one of Vader’s lowest points (excluding this debacle) and having him shout “Noo!” a bunch of times. This is proof to me that either Lucas doesn’t understand his own creation or he hates his fans. I’m not sure which one is worse.

I didn’t want to finish my Jedi review on a sour note though. The film is mostly great. It’s the weakest of the three, but still a lot of fun. As I said, it contains some of my favourite trilogy scenes. The speeder bike chase is great, the all out space battle is awesome too. My favourite of all though is Luke’s showdown with Vader. It’s pitch perfect and Luke’s slow realisation that the Emperor is turning him into a Vader replacement is so fantastic I’m genuinely having to fight the urge to stop typing these words, stick the film on and skip to that bit.

“And now, young Skywalker… you will die.”

Star Wars has meant and still means a considerable amount to me. As a kid, it opened my mind to fantastical planets, aliens and adventure, as well as inspiring me to strive to be as heroic as Luke is. As an adult, it shows me that great films can remain so, despite outdated effects and corny ideals. As a fan, I’ve learned that I’m done with George Lucas, who continually disappoints all but his completely feckless fans by trying his best to sully what little good there is left in the Star Wars name. The film’s still good despite the inherent Ewok problems and the added nonsense, I just wish it was left alone for me to enjoy.

Star Wars: Episode V – The Empire Strikes Back

2011’s pretty much over and I’ve still got shit to write. Better get some actual work done. Let’s get this whole Star Wars thing knocked on the head, shall we?

Star Wars : Episode V – The Empire Strikes Back (1980)
 A New Hope is good (well, fantastic actually), but of the “proper” Star Wars flicks, Empire is my favourite. Why? Well, ignoring the deeper story and numerous feckin’ terrific scenes, it all boils down to the fact that The Empire Strikes Back does everything a sequel should. It takes the well-established characters of the source material and expands on not only them, but the universe they inhabit. Most sequels can manage only one of these two elements, but what truly makes a sequel special in my book is doing both those things in a way that seems organic to the original. I’ll come back to that in a minute, once I’ve typed out a pointless plot summary.

“The Force is with you, young Skywalker, but you are not a Jedi yet.”

So, after blowing seven shades of intergalactic shit out of the Death Star at the end of A New Hope, Luke Skywalker (Mark Hamill) has become a bone-fide rebel hero and has been made Lieutenant Commander for his troubles. However, after getting a visit from the ghostly Obi-Wan (Alec Guinness) Luke travels to the swamp planet of Dagobah to meet with a Master Yoda and continue his Jedi training. Han Solo (Harrison Ford) and Princess Leia (Carrie Fisher) end up travelling to a city in the clouds, Bespin, to meet with Han’s old friend Lando Calrissian (Billy Dee Williams). All the while, the presumably very dizzy Darth Vader has become obsessed with finding Skywalker and the possibility of turning the young Jedi to the Dark Side. The plot is darker and more complex than A New Hope‘s and it works well. It’s hard to imagine the “big twist” being a surprise, but it’s still a rightfully classic moment. The actors are all great and major new addition Billy Dee Williams adds some effortless and much needed cool to the Star Wars universe.

As an example of what the hell I was talking about in the first paragraph, I’m going to (some would say unfairly) compare Empire with the second Pirates of the Caribbean film, Dead Man’s Chest. Both films were made to capitalise on a surprise hit film, both go for a “darker” tone than the first one and both have a soppy lead character and a much more entertaining cooler-than-thou character in tow. Now, was it just me, or did the Captain Jack in Dead Man’s Chest seem like a pale photocopy of his full strength Curse of the Black Pearl form? Well, no, it isn’t just me. I know that. I just wrote that so you as the reader feel there’s a semi-interactive element to all this dogmatic opinion-yelling. He is a pale photocopy of himself. It isn’t up for debate. It’s what happens when writers actively try and make a character act like themselves rather than focusing on what makes sense for the character. Han Solo is the antithesis of all this. After becoming BFF’s with Luke in the first film and helping him destroy the Death Star, this Solo really feels like the same Han we grew to know in A New Hope but with some of the corners sanded slightly. Most of this is due to his burgeoning relationship with Leia. This love story is handled extremely well and is not contrived in the slightest. It feels real. She resists him for a long time, he can’t put aside his alpha male swaggering to tell her how he feels and the pair share a stolen kiss in the Millennium Falcon. It’s so much better than the standard movie hookups we’re still expected to buy into these days. He chucks acid into the head honcho’s face, saves the day and then she decides that yeah, he’s worth a tumble in the hay and then they kiss, credits roll and I fashion a shiv out of what I found down the back of the sofa and stab myself in the thigh.

Empire arguably set the precedent for having a “darker” sequel. It certainly ends on a rather sombre note, with Han frozen and Luke’s wanking plans thrown all out of whack thanks to his new robotic hand. It also has one of my favourite scenes ever, where Luke faces off against Vader for the first time, culminating in that scene. I’m also pleased that the Yoda training sequences hold up, despite my cynicism and ability to spot puppets having increased tenfold since childhood. I’ll tell you the one thing that blew my mind more than the Vader father thing when I originally saw it- the fact that the Jedi Master Yoda is a short, old green thing with big ears (his species has never been named and even the mighty Google can only hazard a guess). This revelation spoke volumes to me about the ways of the Jedi and the mysticism of the Force. As Yoda himself said: “Size matters not”, something which my really-small-for-my-age child self took to heart. This is part of the reason why the whole midichlorian bullshit in Phantom Menace is so fucking infuriating.

What I really like about Empire is that it really delivers on the “war” part of Star Wars. A New Hope can act as a stand-alone experience. The Empire gets their collective arses handed to them and despite Darth Vader conveniently not dying, the story’s all done and dusted. Empire smartly decides to just have the destruction of the Death Star as a minor setback and shows you the extent of the Empire’s reach. Christ, the Rebel Alliance can’t even go on a short skiing trip without some fucking huge plodding machines showing up. I love the design of the AT-ATs too. They are truly iconic creations and one of the first things I think of when I hear the words “Star Wars” and filter through the top level of seething hate for recent Star Wars films and changes. Oh yeah, this is kind of a Blu-ray review as well, isn’t it? Well luckily, they didn’t change too much in Empire. Certain effects have been altered or modified, but nothing that dragged me out of the film kicking and screaming. The most heinous changes are in Return of the Jedi, but we’ll get to that soon, dearies.

 
“Do or do not, there is no try.”

So, The Empire Strikes Back is amazing. I could type reams about certain scenes and why the whole thing meant and still means so much to me. I’ve typed enough now. Bye bye.

The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn – Part 1

Shut up. My reviews of Empire Strikes Back and Return of the Jedi are incoming. I’d finished my Empire one and booted it up to find I’d lost about half of it. Instead of trying vainly to recreate my genius, I thought I’d better type down my thoughts on the newest Twilight and then fill in my Empire review with all-new genius.

The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn – Part 1 (2011)

 
I would say that I’ve been quite fair to the Twilight films. Critics have been sharpening their claws since the first one came out and savaging it gives them a big ol’ smug grin on their faces and a small ol’ bulge in their corduroy trousers. That’s not to say the films haven’t been deserving of a critical mauling, I just don’t like the notion that someone is actually proud of coming up with shit puns like “Breaking Yawn”.
 “No measure of time with you will be long enough. But we’ll start with forever.”
Breaking Dawn starts with what most Twihards have been waiting for- the long-hyped marriage of Bella (Kristen Stewart) and Edward (Robert Pattinson). After the wedding and inevitable wedding night, Bella discovers she’s pregnant. Trouble is, no-one knows what with as a human/vampire hybrid has not been encountered before. Things get worse when the unborn whatever starts physically hurting Bella and pretty soon, becoming a real threat on her life. Also Jacob Black (Taylor Lautner) is in this film. Breaking Dawn‘s story is actually batshit insane, but at least it does more than the treading water that Eclipse did. All three leads are the best they’ve ever been, but still fall short of, y’know, acting. The dialogue is better too, but they are still guffaws to be had at some of the straight-faced mentalism on display. This is encapsulated when Bella, who has been walking around her own wedding barely cracking a smile, says to Edward: “Why can’t you see how perfectly happy I am?”. Cue big giggles from the audience.
It’s odd then, that a film series known for awful dialogue, unintentional campness, wooden performances and enthusiasm for naked male torsos is tackling such a prickly issue such as abortion. There are entire sites dedicated to author Stephenie Meyer’s hidden Mormon agenda and the general lack of feminism in the books and films, but personally Breaking Dawn has been the only film that I feel was trying to make a serious point. It doesn’t succeed and as a result, shows how fucking shallow the films are, but I felt this film was actively trying to well, brainwash, for lack of a better word, its captive teen female audience. It left me with a rather nasty taste in my mouth. I don’t think I’m reading too much into this either. The film ain’t subtle at the best of times. Also, for a film supposedly all about romance, I’ve never encountered something so loveless. The Bella/Edward love story has never convinced, but by Christ is this frigid. Our power couple finally consummate their “love”, but it’s not the passionate roll in the hay that has been built up for three films. We don’t see anything. Just lots of kissing. I wasn’t expecting full penetrative vampire sex in a 12A, but considering what they got away with later in the film, it is surprising. Instead we cut to a scene that wouldn’t look out of place in an Austin Powers film- their four poster bed destroyed and feathers fluttering down. Vamp boy got some skills, apparently. However, after seeing some bruises on Bella, Edward doesn’t want to touch his new bride again and the couple instead have sweaty, passionate games of chess instead. It’s all very disquieting. Also explain to me how a guy with no blood can get it up.
But fear not, those unintentional guffaws are still present. Not a minute in we have Jacob receiving his wedding invitation, ripping off his shirt and flouncing off into the forest. There’s also what will soon be referred to as the “talking wolves” scene which is downright terrible. The special effects are still shite, with the wolves still crappily done and Edward’s whooshing about not being any more convincing that the low-fi effects in the first film. These films are massive now and the budget for this one was $110 million. Why the fuck can’t they afford decent effects? Sure, special effects do not a good film make, but when the characters, story and dialogue makes you want to shit yourself in protest, the effects seem all the more important. Some of this is damn embarrassing.
Breaking Dawn does manage to do a couple of things right. These are spoilers for anyone silly enough to ignore my warnings, so just skip to the end if you don’t want to find out what happens. The pregnancy is well handled. It’s creepy as shit watching Bella get more and more emaciated and her belly gets gradually more swollen and bruised. The birth scene is surprisingly disturbing too, especially for a “tween” film. As usual I thought Jacob was the only likeable character and my dislike for Bella grows with each film as she treats him so poorly. The “imprint” scene is nice though. The film is well shot too, with some really nice cinematography. However, these fleeting positives don’t make up for the shitty film. It’s like giving your dead grandmother a makeover. You can slap as much lipstick and blusher as you like on the poor cow, it’s never going to disguise the rotten core.
“It’s crushing you, from the inside out.”
I agree with bequiffed critic Mark Kermode, who stated that critics in general are softer on movies (like the Star Wars films) embraced by fanboys than they are with movies embraced by fangirls. Despite being a massive fanboy, I’m not afraid to like the Twilight films. I enjoyed New Moon and wouldn’t have to be held at gunpoint to see it again. I can’t shake the feeling that the films have stopped trying. They pointlessly split the last book into two films because Summit Entertainment decided they liked money a hell of a lot more than brevity. It’s been an interesting experiment, but thank God it’s almost over.

Contagion

A dose of the fairly new before I metaphorically slap you back to the ’80s with my review of ONE OF THE GREATEST FILMS EVER MADE. Here’s my review of a film that will undoubtedly be at the forefront of my mind next time I feel a bit under the weather.

Contagion (2011)


 With all the scaremongering that modern news networks do, it’s a safe bet that there’s going to be another health scare pretty soon. Health scares invoke that special kind of fear because they are an invisible, inhuman threat. That serial killer on the loose? Scary, but you can attribute human qualities to him, he’s got a name and a human face (plus several more in his rucksack). It’s the same when you look at other types of monsters, like the greedy bankers that plunged the world into a spiral of debt and despair. They’ve got faces, if only to frame their smug, unapologetic, shit-eating grins. What I’m getting at is that personally, I find the threat of a global pandemic to be terrifying and way more frightening that bloody ghosts (hello, Paranormal Activity), killers (erm, Scream 4, I guess) or any other such shite. Real life is scarier than fiction and a lot of effort has gone into making this film as realistic as possible.
“It’s a bad day to be a Rhesus monkey.”
So, the story of Contagion is a simple one. There’s a killer virus, called MEV-1, affecting the entire world and people are dropping like flies. We see how different countries, organisations and people deal with the global crisis, including everyone from the eye of the storm in the Center (sic) for Disease Control aka the CDC, run by Dr. Cheever (Laurence Fishburne) down to suburban family man Mitch Emhoff (Matt Damon) who’s just trying to protect his daughter. Any plot summary of Contagion makes it sound a bit schlocky and not dissimilar to the rubbish 1995 film Outbreak, which starred Dustin Hoffman and Marcel, Ross’ monkey in Friends. It’s much better than that claptrap, however. I really liked how it presented a (probably) realistic version of how society would fall apart in the wake of massive fatality rates and widespread panic. There are a lot of famous names in this and all do a good job with the possible exception of Jude Law, who seems to be doing an awful (apparently Aussie) accent and wearing a comedy set of crooked teeth. Jude Law’s usually the worst thing in anything he’s in anyway, so no worries.
It’s tough to discuss Contagion without spoiling some things. I’ll do my best to dance around what I consider to be the worst spoilers, but if you want to go into Contagion without any prior knowledge whatsoever, close this review and go and do your taxes or something. For the rest of you dangerous, sexy people, I will say Contagion can be pretty damn disturbing. There’s one scene where a character is being autopsied, which will stick with me for a while. Again, without specific spoilers, let’s just say it’s nice to see a film where the names on the poster don’t necessarily dictate who will be left standing at the end. Despite not liking the fact that Jude Law is in it, I thought his character, Alan Krumwiede, was a interesting one. He’s a freelance blogger who picks up on the story before the major news networks do and as a result gets a lot of people visiting his site and hanging on his every word. His lack of journalistic morality coupled with his massive audience really confuse the public and make things ten times worse.  The only substory I felt fell a little flat was Dr. Orantes’ (Marion Cotilliard). It was okay, but I felt it didn’t really add anything to the story as a whole. It was almost like they couldn’t believe they managed to snag Cotilliard, realised the part was a little too skimpy for an Oscar winner and so went back to the script and hastily added some “emotional” things to react to.
Right, I’m going to talk about the ending, so if you haven’t seen the film yet, skip on down to the awesome concluding paragraph. The ending has been a pretty controversial one. Many critics felt it was a misstep after a very slick and well put-together film. I thought it was great. It’s clever, thought-provoking and outlined the terrifyingly random sequence of events that could produce the next bubonic plague. Whilst a bit saccharine, I also liked the conclusion to Emhoff’s ordeal and found myself with a lump in my throat.
“Blogging is not writing. It’s just graffiti with punctuation.”
So yeah. Contagion isn’t a fun watch. It’s a slow, meticulous, bleak film containing some famous faces doing what they do best. It’s certainly one of the most interesting films I’ve seen for a while. I’d also like to take this opportunity to say what a clever title Contagion is, as both senses are on display here. It’s an intelligent take on the Outbreak formula and that very fact alone makes it worth seeing. It’s grim, but also fuckin’ sick (in all senses of the word).

Star Wars: Episode IV – A New Hope

With this review, I’m two thirds of the way home. It occurred to me that I (and probably many others like me) have not seen the original cut of any of the original trilogy. Lucas and his team of spineless, submissive boffins have been tinkering with the films practically since they were released. So, I’m reviewing the versions on the recently released Blu-ray boxset. As with nearly all of these changes, they stick out like a housebrick in your morning cornflakes, so I’ll set aside a paragraph to comment on any changes that improve, or more likely, denigrate the film. Anyway, a long time ago in a galaxy far, far away…

Star Wars: Episode IV – A New Hope (1977)

It has been scientifically proven that one cannot say anything new about Star Wars. It’s got to the point where even commenting on the fact that you can’t say anything new about Star Wars is passé. It had a huge impact on science fiction, blockbusters and special effects, the tremors of which can still be felt today. It’s very difficult to review Star Wars with fresh eyes. This trilogy was an intrinsic part of my childhood, probably the first films I loved and re-watched over and over again. Fret not though. This shall not be a chin-stroking retrospective nor an awkward, indulgent fanwank. This is just what I think.

“Your father’s lightsaber. This is the weapon of a Jedi Knight. Not as clumsy or random as a blaster; an elegant weapon for a more civilized age.”

Simple farmboy Luke Skywalker (Mark Hamill) is trapped working for his aunt and uncle on the desert planet of Tatooine. However, this changes when he comes into possession of two robots, named R2-D2 (Kenny Baker) and C3PO (Anthony Daniels), who lead him to a mysterious old man named Obi-Wan Kenobi (Alec Guinness). Along the way, Luke and Obi-Wan encounter roguish smuggler Han Solo (Harrison Ford) and his right-hand Wookiee, Chewbacca (Peter Mayhew). The group end up going on an adventure to save a princess (Carrie Fisher) from the clutches of the evil Empire and their intimidating employee, Darth Vader. The story is as classic as they come. Typing that synopsis made me realise that it actually sounds a bit lame, but in practice it’s cinematic gold. The actors are all fine, but Harrison Ford is the standout. This is a star-making turn and you can see why the guy is still working in Hollywood today. The dialogue at times is shoddy as fuck, with Lucas famously being told by Ford: “George, you can type this shit,  but you sure as hell can’t say it!”

A New Hope blends so many elements together it’s a wonder it works at all. The film shares DNA with a vast array of things, from old samurai movies and World War II dogfights to Saturday morning serials like Flash Gordon. To me, the backbone that holds all these elements together is the strong characterisation. You actually care for these characters. You empathise with Luke, being stuck on his rock of a home planet when his friends have moved on. The film is brave enough to have you dislike certain characters initially. Hell, I don’t particularly like Luke in this film, at least for the first half. He’s a bit of a whiny ponce with a silly haircut. Luckily, he does become likeable. Even fan-favourite Han Solo comes across as a bit of a douche the first time we meet him. We see he’s got a dark side to him when he shoots the bounty hunter Greedo in the Cantina.

Speaking of which, those changes. I don’t know why Lucas is doing this. Some of the computer tinkering is to fix stuff you wouldn’t even notice was there. For instance, some time ago, Lucas actually paid someone or a team of someones to CGI the Death Star crews badges onto the correct side of their uniforms. Some of the most out of place stuff though is in Mos Eisley, where added CGI creatures are pasted into the frame. There’s even an awkward non-comedy bit with two robots that is so fucking unnecessary, it hurts my brain. There’s even added nonsense in the Blu-ray release where some rocks have been CGI’d in front of R2 when he’s hiding in the canyon. Check out the original here, and the new version here. Who is that bothered by rocks? It doesn’t make any sense. I can understand updating certain effects (sort of) but this needless altering is incomprehensible. Especially considering the fact that all this stuff drags me out of the film.

The funny thing about Star Wars is that its so ingrained in our collective memories, we have sort of forgotten it is a slightly hokey ’70s sci-fi that has had its formula imitated, expanded upon and bettered by films since. After a lengthy discussion with one of my friends about Star Wars, we concluded if we ever had kids (not together, that’d be weird) we’d make sure they saw the original Star Wars trilogy first, before something like the Lord of the Rings films. Kids just wouldn’t be as blown away with lightsabers and the Death Star exploding if they’d seen the epic battle of Helm’s Deep or a fully-fledged CGI character like Gollum. However, there are some things about Star Wars that will always have an impact like the classic story, the characters and the amazing John Williams score. I still get chills during the final Death Star assault when Luke hears Obi-Wan’s voice, the Force theme swells and he switches off his targeting computer.

“Help me, Obi-Wan Kenobi; you’re my only hope.”

Practically every frame of A New Hope is iconic. It’s unfortunate that practically every comedy TV show or film still feels the need to reference it to this day. However, all the shite Big Bang Theory jokes in the world cannot dull the original brilliance of the first Star Wars film. It’s the rarest of things to me- a childhood favourite that still holds up now. It’s a fantastic film, I just hope that in a decades’ time when we all have on demand films projected onto the inside of our eyelids, Lucas won’t have replaced Han Solo with a Gungan or decided that the Cantina scene needed another musical number.

I have to give it my rarely seen rating of the yellow five stars i.e. a personal favourite to which giving the normal red five stars seemed like an insult.