10,000 B.C.

Why do I do it to myself? I rent a film which I know is going to be mediocre at best and then am depressed and angry when the film turns out to be a big ol’ pile of balls. Maybe I’m a glutton for punishment. Anyway, on with the review:

10,000 B.C. (2008)

I’ve got to admit, for all their respective flaws- I like Emmerich’s previous films such as “Independence Day”, “The Day After Tomorrow” and “Godzilla”. I know they’re not exactly brilliant, but I just can’t hate them. Believe me, I’ve tried.

“A good man draws a circle around himself and cares for those within. His woman, his children.”

There is no use trying to explain the plot. It’s pretty much non-existant. All you need to know is that everyone in the Ice Age had wicked cool dreads and spoke with accents of varying hilarity. I couldn’t believe how slow the film was to get going. Surely in a brainless, action sequence driven film you start with an action sequence? Mr. Emmerich doesn’t seem to think so and we get feckin’ long scenes narrated by Omar Sharif. Bad Roland! Only good films should have exposition!

I think that Emmerich shot himself in the foot by setting this film way, way in the past. He’s known for blowing the living fuck out of famous American landmarks. How can you do this when there are no buildings around for aliens to nuke? But then again, nothing in this film makes sense. It has about as much historical accuracy as your drunkard uncle telling a war story, for one. I’m no history boffin but I know that there were no fucking boats around at this time- same goes for pyramids.

The fact that “10,000 B.C.” rips off every successful fantasy film ever doesn’t help it either. The “Lord of the Rings” films and “300” are primarily stolen from throughout the film’s runtime. Maybe it was thought that by borrowing from better films, some of the greatness would be reflected in their flick. It isn’t- it’s flat-out burglary. It’s a sneaky weasel of a film.

“Do not eat me when I save your life!”

“10,000 B.C.” is a mess. It felt more like an endurance test than an enjoyable experience. If you’re desperate for a prehistoric action hit- just watch “The Flintstones” on one T.V. and any Michael Bay actioner on the other. I guarantee you’ll get more historical accuracy and a sense of a plot that way. Feckin’ dire.

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