Clash of the Titans

Yeah, yeah- I know. Clash of the Titans has been out for ages and has probably disappeared from cinemas altogether by now, but trust me- you’re not missing much anyway. Consider this some friendly advice before you pick it up to watch with your beer and kebab on a Friday night. You’re welcome.

Clash of the Titans (2010)

Although my personal summer blockbuster season started with Iron Man 2, Clash of the Titans was arguably the start of this year’s heavy hitters. It’s got all the elements of a successful popcorn no-brainer. It’s a remake, it’s a story that people will know anyway,-so all the ‘tards won’t be challenged with anything “new” or “edgy”, it’s got Sam Worthington, fresh from the bafflingly popular Avatar and it’s in motherfucking 3D. It should have had “dumb but fun” written all over it. The words “should have” are the key ones there. Should. Have.

“Every step we take is an insult to the gods.”

After his adopted family are murdered by Hades (Ralph Fiennes), half man, half god, all twat Perseus (Sam Worthington) decides to take revenge on the king of the Underworld as humanity starts to rise up and not only question, but start a war with the gods. I can’t really fault the plot as it is classic mythology- it’s been around for centuries for a reason. What I can fault is the execution- which is fucking terrible. Sam Worthington muscles around the screen blundering into one video game level after another, whereas Gemma Arterton, playing love interest Io, is wasted and may as well not have been in the film. Liam Neeson doesn’t exactly stretch himself and is made to look utterly ridiculous in some kind of disco armour that glitters perpetually. The only interesting characters are Mads Mikkelsen’s Draco and Ralph Fiennes’ Hades who chews any parts of the scenery that haven’t been enhanced by CGI. Seriously, I haven’t seen that much ham since the tragic bombing of Farmer Dan’s Piggery in ’92.

Clash of the Titans isn’t all bad. The scene with the three witches (with one eye between them) is good as is some of the action. But most of the scenes are just too heavily laden with underwhelming computer nonsense to be effective. I’m all for computer effects, but I hate it when films rely on them rather than just filling in the “impossible otherwise” scenes with technical wizardry. The Kraken scene for instance, is poorly realised and relies on the big money shots (my blog hits just jumped significantly after using that phrase) of the monster smashing up Argos -the ancient city, that is, not the most depressing place on Earth.

The one scene that really narked me off was the Medusa sequence, where all the tension and suspense in the book was replaced by a CGI half snake woman slithering around with epic action music farting out. It genuinely disappointed me. Clash of the Titans was infamously retrofitted to be in 3D for its cinema release. It shows too. Whilst the best examples of 3D can hardly be considered to be good, Gash of the Titans was clearly changed to cash in on the Avatar craze, with the gimmick adding nothing to anything.

“Decide your penance- death or sacrifice.”

The film is pretty poor. The writing is downright bad, the acting shite and the action sequences vary from okay to rubbish. I expect more from my action films, thank you.

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