Author: Ben Browne

Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire

I’ve been looking forward to reviewing this one for a number of reasons. All of which I’ll get into in the actual body of the review. Not going to spunk all my good stuff on the rubbishy little preamble am I? I’d like to think I belong to a higher calibre of writer than that. Although having childishly used the word “spunk” in supposedly analytical film review and then repeating said word in this very sentence, you may want to debate that.

Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire (2005)

In preparation for this review, I’ve been addicted to looking up how people have ranked the Potters. It’s fascinating stuff. Goblet of Fire is usually down the bottom end of the scale, kickin’ it with Deathly Hallows Part 1 and Chamber of Secrets. Whilst this is obviously all kinds of wrong (as exemplified by my 4 star Chamber review) I do think after Azkaban, the films start blurring into one until the final two. Whilst rewatching Goblet, I was expecting bits that never materialised, only to realise that they belong to other films. To clear it up, Goblet of Fire is the one about the big Triwizard Tournament and has got that fella from Twilight in it.

“The Goblet of Fire! Anyone wishing to submit themselves to the tournament need only write their name upon a piece of parchment and throw it in the flame before this hour on Thursday night. Do not do so lightly! If chosen, there’s no turning back. As from this moment, The Triwizard Tournament has begun!”

Harry Potter (Daniel Radcliffe) returns to Hogwarts for his fourth year to find the school is playing host to a big, traditional competitive event known as the Triwizard Tournament. A representative from Hogwarts must compete against one from the French Beauxbatons Academy and one from the Nordic Durmstrang Institute to win the cup and glory for their school. However, after the three competitors’ names are spat out of the Goblet of Fire, a fourth piece of paper is expelled from the magical goblet with Potter’s name on it, which comes as a shock to everyone, including Harry since he didn’t enter. Rules are rules though – and Harry is forced to take part in the dangerous tournament and its three deadly challenges.I really like the plot and ideas in Goblet, it’s just the execution that I have a problem with. I’m a sucker for violent arena sports/tournaments, hence why I have soft spots for films like Rollerball (not the shitty remake), The Running Man, Gladiator and more recently, Tron: Legacy and The Hunger Games. There’s just something about big, bloodthirsty events that cranks my enjoyment motor. The three events are well done, it’s just the plodding fucking inbetween-y bits that bug me.

Anyway- actors.  The next person through the ever-revolving door of Defence Against the Dark Arts teachers is Alastor “Mad-Eye” Moody (Brendan Gleeson) a grizzled, unhinged Auror who has spent years hunting dark wizards and sending them to Azkaban. He’s joined by a surprising number of new faces with Roger Lloyd-Pack showing up as Ministry of Magic higher-up Bartemius Crouch, David Tennant as Barty Crouch Jr.,Robert Pattinson hunking it up as the other Hogwarts champion Cedric Diggory, Katie Leung as Potter love interest Cho Chang and of course, Ralph Fiennes as big bad Lord Voldemort. Of the new additions, it’s Gleeson and Fiennes that make the biggest impact. I love Mad-Eye Moody. I think Fiennes does a great job as Voldemort too. He’s damn creepy. Of the main kids, I’m happy to report that D-Radders is improving film by film. He’s still not good, but he’s getting close to passable. Rupert Grint gets the chance to act all sullen, but occasionally revisits the comedy sidekick schtick I hated in Chamber of Secrets. Emma Watson is really good in this. Check out the scene after the Yule Ball where she shouts at Ron and then cries on some steps apparently exclusively populated by upset girls. In a series first, I felt for her and was cursing Ron’s name with her. Damn that oblivious Weasley! Handily, Goblet of Fire outlines my problem with Michael Gambon’s Dumbledore. In this film he just comes across as mean. He’s always yelling and seems to be feared by the students, rather than respected and admired. There’s a bit just after Potter’s name comes out of the Goblet where he grabs Harry with both fists and slams him up against some trophies. This definitely ain’t the kindly old Dumbledore I pictured in my head when reading the books. It’s certainly not the eccentric weirdo that Richard Harris portrayed him as either. It’s not Gambon’s fault, really. He’s a fine actor and has been unquestionably brilliant in other things. I just keep thinking that getting Dumbledore right was one of the massive missed opportunities of the series.

Goblet of Fire sets out its stall early on, forgoing the usual Potter in his bedroom/Dursley shenanigans stuff for a cold-blooded murder instead. It’s a stark, bleak opening that sets the tone wonderfully. Fast forward and Harry et al are attending the Quidditch World Cup final. It’s fantastic to see how the wizarding world approaches professional Quidditch and the effects and ideas here are fantastic. It’s a shame we don’t get to see any of the actual match though. The film awkwardly cuts from Fudge sending out the opening flare to the gang returning to their tent. I understand why we didn’t see any of the game, but it would have been nice. The raid on the World Cup is awesome too, with Voldemort’s masked followers, the Death Eaters, laying siege to the camp, torching tents and general chaos causing acting as a great introduction to a series important faction.

The one thing the film should be applauded for is the subtle way it starts ageing up our protagonists. They’re almost teenagers now and as such, are more focused on potential romances than we’ve seen before. Harry starts fancying Ravenclaw Cho Chang, for instance. The longing looks and stilted little interactions are realistic and actually pretty sweet. It’s not just Harry who starts feeling urges, either. Seems like everyone’s at it. The culmination of this being the Yule Ball, a traditional Triwizard dance where having a date is paramount. We see Harry and Ron struggle to find suitable partners. Quoth Potter on the subject of asking girls out: “Why do they have to travel in packs? And how are you supposed to get one on their own to ask them?”. Preach, brother. The Yule Ball is a well-done celebration of budding love and awkwardness. The one thing I hate about it though is the appearance of wizard band The Weird Sisters (played by frontman Jarvis Cocker and several members of Radiohead). They do a song called “Do The Hippogriff” which frankly sucks. I think it’s the terrible lyrics reeling through various mythical monsters that appear in Potter’s world that ruins it for me. It’s a very minor bit, but it takes me right out of the film every time.

The highlights of the film are almost certainly the Triwizard trials which show fantastic invention and are properly exciting. Harry’s face-off with a particularly vicious species of dragon known as the Hungarian Horntail is brilliantly played and is one of my favourite bits of the entire series. The underwater trail with the merpeople is well handled too. It’s difficult to make underwater sequences interesting in films, but Goblet pulls it off. Every time I watch the film, the same question pops into my head. Isn’t Harry a little embarrassed that he has to rescue Ron, whereas the other lads are rescuing their dates? I bet there were a few malicious whispers around school when that particular task was over. The spooky-as-fuck final trial is also a highlight, where Harry is ultimately tricked into a confrontation with Voldemort and poor old Cedric is murdered. This is the series’ first foray into likable characters dying and it’s effective. I know Cedric’s a bit of a boring, clean-cut dreamboat, but that’s sort of the point. He’s an unwitting rival of Harry’s in both the tournament and for the affections of Cho. He certainly doesn’t deserve the callous, offhand shove from the mortal coil he receives. When Harry finally escapes Voldemort, sobbing and clinging on to Cedric’s body, the triumphant music followed by the slow realisation that something has gone terribly wrong is heartbreaking. It’s a brave, sombre ending that is only very slightly ruined by D-Rad’s acting.

“Harry! I’d almost forgotten you were here, standing on the bones of my father. I’d introduce you, but rumour has it you’re almost as famous as me these days.”

Goblet of Fire has a massive problem with pacing. There are big, exciting sequences and some nice, enjoyable character moments,but they’re not stitched together well enough. It becomes plodding and for the first time in the series, boring. It’s a shame because there are so many individual elements that work. I’ll give it an average three stars due to the Ben pandering detailed above (violent arena competition, Pattinson dying) but I can imagine that there will be a lot of people harsher on it than I. Hey- did somebody ORDER a PHOENIX?

P.S. In regards to my ongoing Quidditch watch there is no Quidditch in this film. Not even at the motherflippin’ World Cup Final. Go figure.

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban

First new post to appear on here. Annoying thing is I’d already done this review, but Blogspot up and deleted my hard-typed work on a whim. Hand feeling forced, I decided to move here. I quite like the neighbourhood. Charming little shops. Does anyone know when the bins are collected?

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban (2004)

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Having dealt with the “worst Potter ever”, it’s now time to tackle the one that is usually considered the best. Azkaban certainly marks a turning point in the series. Chamber of Secrets was the last of the “Golly gee whiz, guys! There’s a spooky mystery to solve! Let’s save the school and get 50 points for Gryffindor!”-type films and with Azkaban we move into the darker realms of Harry’s world. It also marks a change in director, moving away from the family-friendly Chris Columbus to Mexican quirkster Alfonso Cuarón- then only known for the great Y Tu Mamá También, but who would go on to direct the fantastic Children of Men. Also, before I go any further, this review does contain spoilers. So consider yourself warned if you’ve just recently relocated from a cave and haven’t read or seen any Potter stories.

“Harry, there are some within the Ministry who would strongly discourage me from divulging what I’m about to reveal to you, but I think that you need to know the facts. You are in danger. Grave danger.”

Entering his third year at Hogwarts, Harry Potter (Daniel Radcliffe)  returns to the wizarding world to find everyone all cowed and nervy over the escape of convicted murderer Sirius Black (Gary Oldman) from the supposedly inescapable prison of Azkaban. Harry is also (obviously) rejoined by Ron (Rupert Grint) and Hermione (Emma Watson). Since Hogwarts goes through Defense Against Dark Arts teachers like Taylor Swift goes through famous fellas, new recruit for this year is shabby lovely Remus Lupin (David Thewlis). On the subject of new additions to the cast, both Emma Thompson and Timothy Spall join the regular line-up. Prisoner of Azkaban has the most twisty-turny plot of all the Potters. It’s a satisfying mystery that works primarily thanks to the omni-present threat of Sirius Black. There’s a real sense of foreboding that matures up the atmosphere considerably from the first two films. This is the first film where you truly feel that Harry is out of his depth, especially with the  adverse effect the creepy fucking Dementors (basically floaty anorexic Ringwraiths) have on him. There’s more at stake this time too, with Azkaban being the most emotionally charged film so far.

Daniel Radcliffe is still a problem. I hate ragging on the guy as he does get better in later films and actually seems like a cool person in interviews and the like, but he really struggles with the material here. Prime example is the scene where he finds out Black is his godfather and he betrayed Harry’s parents trust and sold them out to Voldemort. Still hidden by the invisibility cloak, he runs away only to sit down outside sobbing in the snow. It should be a powerful, touching scene but the combination his crap crying and following unconvincing anger kills it stone dead.  His eventual confrontation with Black also suffers, but any actor is going to struggle sharing a scene with David Thewlis, Alan Rickman and Gary Oldman. Both Emma Watson and Rupert Grint are the best they’ve been so far too- especially Watson who gets the chance to step out of the precocious know-it-all boots she’d been occupying since the series began. Hermione getting to finally thump Draco (Tom Felton, who has gone from genuinely funny to whiny and puny) is a great moment and Watson’s guilty pleasure after it is well-played. Obviously, Gary Oldman is the don. He gets to play the sort of maniac he’s made a career out of and it works fantastically well.  After revelations and the truth outs, his shift from psychopath to potential father figure is expertly done and doesn’t jar in the slightest. David Thewlis makes a great Potter mentor too. He’s like a favourite shambling uncle that you love seeing. Emma Thompson also gives good teacher as the ethereal Professor Trelawney, wearing the thickest glasses I’ve seen since From Russia With Love‘s Rosa Klebb.

Prisoner of Azkaban is the first film to really open up Potter’s world. Both Philosopher’s Stone and Chamber of Secrets were very much focused on the microcosm of Hogwarts itself. Whereas in previous films, the school contains the threat, in this film Hogwarts becomes a sanctuary (albeit an easily infiltrated one) from the scary outside. I think the reason people like it so much is the fact that it sets the tone for the rest of the series, with the first two films as charming family-friendly anomalies.

So, apart from the actors, what else is decent? Well, most of it. Set pieces are well handled. The effects better than they’ve ever been and the John Williams music also reaches a series best. One of my favourite scenes is Lupin’s class on handling a Boggart, a shape-shifting creature that turns into the thing you fear the most. Laugh as Neville forces Boggart-Snape to wear his grandmother’s clothing! Shiver as Ron conjures up a fucking great spider! Get confused as Parvati changes a massive snake into an even more terrifying clown jack-in-the-box! Prisoner of Azkaban also features one of my favourite Snape moments ever. Just check out this needlessly dramatic and flamboyant entrance and tell me he’s not awesome:

Keeping an eye on Quidditch- Harry fails to have a normal game this time too, thanks to the Dementors and a whacking great fall. He also gets his broom smashed up. He does get to wear a fetching pair of goggles though and there’s a cool little moment where he sees “the Grim” in the stormy clouds.

“That is the second time you have spoken out of turn, Miss Granger. Tell me, are you incapable of restraining yourself, or do you take pride in being an insufferable know-it-all?”

I love Prisoner of Azkaban. It tells a complex, dark story and establishes themes and characters that carry on into the succeeding films. For once, the drooling twats that make up the majority of the infuriatingly opinionated general film watching public are completely right. It really is the best one.

Les Misérables

Back to Potter goodness in a bit. I saw this last night and considering my overall opinion on it, plus the fact it’s been nominated for countless awards, I deemed it worth interrupting my Potterthon for. Same will probably happen for Life of Pi in a few days.

Les Misérables (2013)

 

When it comes to favourite movie musicals, there are only two possible options when it comes to answering as a stereotypical, media propagated blokey bloke. 1) “Sweeney Todd was alright” (I think the Burton-ness and all the throat slittings help with the man-cred of this one) and 2) “Musicals? Fuck off, love – I’m watching Top Gear“. If you were to ask me, a proud unstereotypical lad with crippling nerdlinger addictions, I would say “Seven Brides for Seven Brothers” and then desperately ask you not to tell anyone. I’m no musical expert but I’ve seen a few. I knows what I likes and Les Misérables is definitely one of the best musicals I’ve seen.

“I had a dream my life would be/ So different from this hell I’m living!”

19th Century France. Hugh Jackman plays the convict Jean Valjean, a man who was arrested for stealing a loaf of bread for his family and forced to work as a slave for nineteen years. He finishes his sentence but it warned by prison guard Javert (Russell Crowe) that he is to be on parole for the rest of his life and if he misses a hearing, he’ll go back in the le slammer. Valjean runs away, skips parole but eventually finds God and turns his life around, becoming the mayor of Montreuil-sur-Mer under a new identity. After he makes a promise to the dying Fantine (Anne Hathaway) to look after her daughter, Cosette (Isabelle Allen, later Amanda Seyfried), Valjean must run again after the tenacious Javert finds out his true identity and vows to lock him up once more.

Full disclosure time- I’ve never seen Les Misérables in any form. I knew the basic story and several of the songs by osmosis, but never sought it out. So if you’re here to find out how faithful it is to the book/play/downloadable app/lunchbox then I’m afraid I can’t help you. What I will say is this: it’s easy to see how this is one of the longest-running musicals ever. It’s a classic tale that involves everything from war, resistance and hate to love, dreams and redemption. It’s an epic ride. Hugh Jackman once again proves there’s more to him than adamantium claws by giving a career highlight performance as Jean Valjean. He’s bloody brilliant. Russell Crowe is fine as a screen presence, but his voice isn’t up to the notoriously difficult Les Mis numbers. He sounds like an ageing pub rock singer. It doesn’t spoil the film though. It just sounds like he’s trying too hard to strain out those notes, especially compared to some of the other voices in the film. Film-stealer and dead cert Oscar winner though is Anne Hathaway who gives a heartbreaking turn as Fantine. She’s absolutely incredible. Her version of I Dreamed a Dream shows how the song should be sung. It’s powerful stuff. The cast are all fantastic, but I’d be remiss if I didn’t mention Samantha Barks as Éponine. I shall begin my official wooing of her tomorrow.

Director Tom Hooper is gunning for your parents’ DVD collection. Just look at his last couple of flicks. The Damned United (for the Dad who is a massive Cloughhead), The King’s Speech (probably more of a Mumsy film) and now Les Mis. It’s a weird thing to say, I know. My point is that he’s a damn fine director and I’ve enjoyed all of the films mentioned above. It’s a slight shame that I found the way he shot Les Mis to be quite juvenile. Every so often there were big ol’ swooping shots of the French scenery accompanied by whooshing noises. I’d expect that from a Spider-Man flick (the swooping, not the Frenchiness), but not here. The brief bursts of action are shot in a shakycam-like style, resulting in me having no fucking idea what was meant to be happening. Personal gripes though, I don’t think it matters too much. Whilst I’m on criticism, I’ve read that people find the story between Cosette and Marius (Eddie Redmayne) to be too drippy and flimsy, pointing out that all they need is a shared song to fall completely in love with each other. Here’s where I show my vulnerable underbelly when it comes to musicals, but aren’t they supposed to be like that? Isn’t a shared song with harmonies shorthand for the whole courting thing? I’d much prefer one love song that several numbers like “Third date/and I want to stick it to her/ I’m insecure/can I call her my GF?” anyway.

Whilst I may have a problem with how brief moments were shot, the decision to have the cast sing live and set and record that is a fantastic one. Often in musicals, I find there’s a disconnect between the big numbers and the rest of the film, almost as if someone backstage has to press play on the CD player. Here it’s not an issue and it gives the songs a sense of spontaneity and realism. The sheer number of songs probably helps with this too as the spoken dialogue is pretty sparse throughout. It’s pretty much wall-to-wall warbling and that’s a great thing in the film’s favour.

“To love another person is to see the face of God.”

To be honest, I was completely swept up by Les Misérables. It’s not totally perfect, but as far a big, epic musicals go, it’s the best I’ve seen. I loved it and I don’t care if that makes me a battyman gaylord.

Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets

Day 2 and we’re predictably entering the Chamber of Secrets. What the hell are you looking up here for? The review’s below.

Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets (2002)

  General consensus is that Chamber of Secrets is one of the worst Potter films, if not the worst. I’m really not sure why. It’s got the same basic flaws as Philosopher’s Stone, but improves on the first Potter outing in a few substantial ways. Could this be instance #12365486906 of me being right and everyone else being wrong? Not my place to say, really- but it’s obvious the answer is yes.

“Enemies of the Heir Beware”? You’ll be next, mudbloods.”

After considerable difficulty thanks to Dobby the House Elf (voiced by Toby Jones), Harry Potter (Daniel Radcliffe) returns to Hogwarts to find that there’s a new danger to student safety. After learning that the school’s legendary “Chamber of Secrets” has beenre-opened and has released some kind of terrifying creature into the school halls, Harry, Ron (Rupert Grint) and Hermione (Emma Watson) strive to get to the bottom of the mystery. Time’s against them though as more and more students are being frozen in a corpse-like state. Since Quirrell turned out to be housing Voldemort under his turban and ended up as an ashpile after Harry touched him (an early contender for “weirdest sentence I wrote in 2013”), the vacant Defence Against the Dark Arts teacher position is taken up by smarmy celebrity wizard Gilderoy Lockhart (Kenneth Branagh). The plot is a lot more interesting than Philosopher’s Stone. There are some decent twists and turns and it’s not afraid to go darker, something which the first film only had elements of.

At this point in the series, the main kids still aren’t great. D-Rad still reads his lines like he’s recovering from a back-alley lobotomy and Rupert Grint is suddenly intent on overacting, often pulling cartoonish looks that undermine the fairly understated work he did in the previous one. Emma Watson has improved, although only by a smidge. Good thing Tom Felton’s here to show the kids how it’s done. He hams up Draco considerably in this one and the film’s all the better for it. He’s genuinely funny too. Good on him. Of the new additions to the cast, Branagh is great as Lockhart, giving us an air-headed smug bellend to actively hate. Jason Isaacs also gives us a fantastic turn as Draco’s icy father Lucius. One little scene with him and you understand entirely why Draco’s such a jumped-up little shit. Mark Williams also gives us an incredibly likable Weasley patriarch. Miriam Margolyes also adds to the already incredible Brit-cred of the cast with her appearance as Professor Sprout. Toby Jones does well as the voice of Dobby, but unfortunately the character belongs more down the Jar-Jar end of the CGI character scale than he does up the other end with Gollum and Sarah Jessica Parker. Sure, he’s there for kid appeal, but by all that is unholy, he’s irritating. I suppose the only other qualm I have is the casting of Shirley Henderson as the ghostly Moaning Myrtle. It’s an odd choice to have an actor clearly in their late thirties play a schoolgirl, albeit a thoroughly dead one. Henderson is fine as she is, but it’s a baffling decision. It’s a real shame that this is Richard Harris’ last turn as Dumbledore. To be honest, I found that his Dumbledore was a lot closer to the literary version than Gambon’s. That’s just personal preference though.

The film does not start well. D-Rad flatly clunks out his lines to Hedwig before being called downstairs where they keep the real actors. We have some fun with them and Harry goes upstairs only to find the irritating Dobby being irritating. Acting with a pure CGI creation is a tough challenge for a good actor, so his scene with Dobby is painful for me to watch. After Harry gets busted out of Chez Dursley, the film thankfully gets a lot better.

I find Chamber of Secrets to be a hell of a lot more watchable than Philosopher’s Stone. There are loads of great scenes and neat little touches. A favourite of mine is Lockhart’s first lesson where he causes havoc by releasing a cageful of Cornish pixies onto an unsuspecting class of kids. If you listen carefully, you’ll notice that amongst the squeaking and fluttering, some the pixies have strong Cornish accents- a detail which I’d missed up until now and laughed my head off at. The wizard duel between Snape and Lockhart and then Potter and Malfoy is fantastically done too. Quidditch is better handled this time round, with the advances in technology leading to a more convincing and exciting spectacle. With Harry being cursed and nearly falling off his broom in the first one, having a rogue Bludger hound him in this one and the knowing what’s to come in the next films, I have to ask- does Potter ever get to play a “normal” game of Quidditch where some bastard isn’t trying to do him in? I’ll pay attention to that as the films go on. The scene where Ron and Harry meet the fuckin’ massive spider Aragog (voiced by Julian Glover) and are surrounded by hundreds of other huge spiders is downright skin-crawling- even to a non arachnophobe like me. Especially a shot where Ron looks up at dozens of the creepy bastards webbing down from the trees. Brr. I think Chamber‘s finale is also more satisfying than the last film’s with Potter actually using his brawn and his brain rather than just dumb luck alone.

“Well, take a good look lads. This night might well be the last you spend in this castle. Oh dear, we are in trouble.”

I’m going to be controversial and give Chamber of Secrets 4 stars. Why? Well, it’s significantly better than the first film. Don’t just argue with me on principle, go back and watch the first two films. Chamber of Secrets is a more assured and accomplished film. It does what any good sequel should do- takes the building blocks the first one made and makes something fun out of them. Shut up, general movie-going public- I have spoken.

Harry Potter and the Philosopher’s Stone

Here we are again. The start of another foolhardy review crusade to distract myself from the daily kicks in the nuts that life provides. 8 films, 8 sweary reviews. See you on the other side.

Harry Potter and the Philosopher’s Stone (2001)

… aka The Sorceror’s Stone. Why? Some bullshit U.S. book title reason. It’s not, as I’ve seen widely reported, because Americans are thicky thick thick stupid cheeseburgers who wouldn’t know what the word “philosopher” meant if it flew in on a bald eagle. Having gained unbelievable success by ripping off Dr. Henry Jones Jr.it was a dead cert that Rowling’s Potter books would become films. When it was officially announced, I remember being incredibly excited at the prospect. How were they going to do Quidditch? Why was Snape the guy from Die Hard? These questions and more buzzed around my head. I liked it a lot when it came out. A hefty 12 years later, it’s time to revisit it with my critical eyes screwed in.

“You’re a wizard, Harry!”

Neglected 11 year old Harry Potter (Daniel Radcliffe) lives with his Aunt Petunia (Fiona Shaw), Uncle Vernon (Richard Griffiths) and his spoiled cousin Dudley (Harry Melling). Suddenly, a hairy giant by the name of Hagrid (Robbie Coltrane) tells Harry that he’s a wizard and carts him off to Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry where he is to learn magic. Harry discovers that not only is there a whole magical world running in parallel to our own, but that in this new world he’s known as “The Boy Who Lived” and famous for surviving a spell that murdered his parents and inadvertently defeating the evil Lord Voldemort. Along the way, Harry meets the shabby Ron Weasley (Rupert Grint) and know-it-all Hermione (Emma Watson) and enlists their help to uncover some dark goings-on at the school. Philosopher’s Stone sets the pattern that the first few films stuck to. There’s something going on at the school and Harry, Ron and Hermione have to work together to save the day. It’s like an Enid Blyton/Famous Five type thing crossed with The Worst Witch (a property which I’m surprised hasn’t rung its lawyers over some uncanny similarities). It’s a classic plotline- an everyday kid gets drafted into a magical land and becomes a hero of said magical land. Philosopher’s Stone is smartly written enough that you won’t notice it’s basically a retread of every ’80s fantasy movie ever.

There are two things that completely justify the decision to turn the books into films on their own. 1) the cast and 2) the John Williams score. The cast are almost uniformly brilliant. We have some proper thespian heavyweights in the forms of Richard Harris, Maggie Smith, Alan Rickman, Julie Walters, Robbie Coltrane, Richard Griffiths and John Hurt who all pop up to be brilliant at various points during the film. I do wish the kid actors were better though. Daniel Radcliffe hadn’t learned to act yet and is often shown up by Henry Melling’s hammy turn as Dudley. Rupert Grint is almost alright, as is the precocious Emma Watson. At its worst, some of the acting is school play standard. Bad child acting is a real bugbear of mine. In terms of adult acting, Rickman’s Snape almost manages to walk away with the entire film. It’s a great performance that verges on parody at times, with him drawling out certain words and taking dramatic pauses whenever the hell he feels like it.

The rest of the film is exactly the sort of fantasy adventure that kids lap up. The magical world we’re given here is amazingly designed and wonderfully realised. It’s one of the great movie universes that I wish I could live in instead of a dreary, rainy Welsh town. The sleuthing around school and working on a big mystery is a tried and tested kids’ staple and it just works. Quidditch also looks like a hell of a lot of fun. The Williams score is bloody brilliant too. Easily as iconic as his work on films like Jurassic Park. It just lifts the film to a higher plane. I genuinely think the aforementioned Quidditch match wouldn’t have been nearly as much fun as it is without Williams being whimsical in the background.

Despite a lot of elements working fantastically well, there’s just something holding the whole film back. It’s an above-average children’s film, but that’s about it. I think it’s the fact that it’s aimed squarely and solely at kids. Whilst I do agree that yes, a children’s book should be turned into a children’s film, this kid targeting is the special Hollywood kind of kid pandering that laser-targets its chosen kiddie demographic and to hell with anyone over the age of 15. None of the interesting little character moments or nice little backstories are explored. Outside of the writing, some of the effects are god-awful and were pretty ropey even back in 2001. The troll scene especially loses nearly all of the excitement it’s expected to create but being a huge, unconvincing lump of pixels. Quidditch suffers too, but not to the same extent.

“It does not do to dwell on dreams, Harry, and forget to live.”

Philosopher’s Stone is a decent start to the Potter franchise. It’s a bit unsteady at times but it creates a fantastic world and has a real sense of fun about it.

The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey

Having finally seen The Hobbit, it’s time to add my manly tones to the already thousands-strong choir of internet douchebags who think their opinions matter. I didn’t end up seeing it in the now-infamous and almost universally panned 48fps, but I did see it in IMAX 3D. I’m tempted to hunt for a high frame rate (HFR) screening, but it seems like an exercise in self abuse. It’s like watching a DVD and then deciding you want to watch it again, except this time you want to pay for the privilege of chugging a pint of cold piss at 6 minute intervals.

The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey (2012)

I’ve missed having a Christmas event movie that I can go and see with my family. It’s been 9 long years since Return of the King and it’s a great thing to have Peter Jackson take us all back to Middle Earth again. To be completely honest, I was worried about The Hobbit and I still am to a certain extent. Primary amongst my concerns was the purely money-orientated decision to split the planned two films into a trilogy. The Hobbit is not, nor has ever been Lord of the Rings. It’s a pretty simple children’s tale that doesn’t have anywhere near the level of complexity that the Rings books had. It’s a different beast and should be treated as such, but I’ll get back into that point later.

“My dear Frodo, you asked me once if I had told you everything there was to know about my adventures. Well, I can honestly say I’ve told you the truth, I may not have told you all of it.”

I think I might just skip plot summaries in my reviews from now on. I write them myself and to me, it seems like a lot of effort to tell people something they already know, especially when dealing with a film such as this. You want a summary? IMDB is your friend. I am not. Anyway- Martin Freeman is fantastic as the finicky Bilbo. He’s a joy to watch and I totally bought that Freeman was the younger version of the the Ian Holm Bilbo we’re all familiar with.  In fact, the casting is spot-on throughout. All the dwarves are well done and most have distinct personalities (apart from the fat one who just eats- HAHAHAHA HE’S FAT LOOOOOOL). It’s nice to see McKellen back as Gandalf and I liked seeing a good portion of the Rings crew make cameos. I even liked Sylvester McCoy’s Radagast, despite having read reviews comparing him to Jar Jar Binks. That’s some cold shit. He’s a bit too zany and most of his scenes end “hilariously” with him going cross-eyed, but Christ, let’s not force the kiddies out of a film supposedly for them, eh?

Okay, here’s where I will probably lose most of you. Apart from the Rings trilogy, there is another film that The Hobbit kept reminding me of : The Bourne Legacy. Now before you wrinkle up your face and scream “WHAT THE FUCK?!” at the nearest sentient being, let me explain. My main problem with The Bourne Legacy was that it was relying too much on audience familiarity with the preceding series. For instance, there’s a bit where Jeremy Renner looks up at a wooden slat on a bunk bed where Jason Bourne’s name is etched. It doesn’t mean anything to the character in the film and is only there for the audience’s benefit. A neat little reference is fine, but Legacy kept on pulling this shit and it’s the same with The Hobbit. Both films seemed scared to step out of their respective series’ shadow. The Hobbit brings in characters from the films that weren’t in the book, recycles music (I swear 90% of the score is just a greatest hits compilation from the original trilogy) and even has the same sweeping shots of the New Zealand landscape to accompany the stolen triumphant score.

This was all summed up for me in one little bit when Bilbo meets Gollum. It’s a wonderful, incredibly well done scene where we see Bilbo play a deadly game of riddles and ultimately steal the One Ring from Gollum. There’s a moment where the ring drops to the ground and we’re treated to a slow motion, “Holy shit guys! It’s the actual fucking ring that sets off a whole bunch of fuck! Isn’t this significant?!” shot as the ring clatters to the ground. I’m not saying I know better than Peter Jackson, but if I was in his position, I would have just had a quick shot of this at normal speed, if I even decided to put it in at all. Why? Because I thought the whole point of the ring was that it was just a seemingly small, insignificant thing that just happened to be hugely important. We know how significant it is already because we’ve seen hours and hours of the consequences. I think that’s my main problem with prequels like this, the audience is always several steps in front of the characters and you’re just waiting for them to catch up. There’s no intrigue or second guessing. You know certain characters are going to survive because you’ve seen them as older people. It all gets a bit plodding at times too, especially when we spend a good 40 minutes or so at the start in boring old Hobbiton. Jackson was very smart when it came to trimming bits of the Rings books for the screen, but here he’s got no choice but to cram every single character and every single little event in to stretch the runtime out. Fucking studios will be the death of film.

Having just vomited all that bile above, you may think I hated The Hobbit. I really didn’t. I thoroughly enjoyed it. The writing’s great. The acting is top notch. The special effects (for the most part) are astounding. Nobody does a big old quest film quite like Jackson and I had a hell of a lot of fun with it. One of my favourite bits was an (alluded to in Fellowship) encounter with three hungry, thick trolls . I just love that they give these lumbering mythical creatures a rough approximation of a Cockney accent. The wonderful vistas and locations are back too, the most impressive of which undoubtedly being the huge room of gold in the Lonely Mountain. As I said before, the meeting of Gollum and Bilbo was also a huge highlight for me with Andy Serkis giving another incredible performance as everyone’s favourite schizophrenic. All the action works well and it’s fun to sit back and enjoy the ride. It’s a proper event movie and there’s nothing wrong with that.

“Home is now behind you. The world is ahead.”

The Hobbit is really good, there are just a few major things that stop it from achieving true greatness- most of which, annoyingly, seem to be outside studio problems like the whole “two into three” decision and the fact it’s in underwhelming 3D. It’s too long and a bit too padded, the latter of which I forsee will become a big problem during the second film as they’re pretty much halfway through the book at the end of the film by my calculations. It’s not nearly as bad as I had braced myself for though. It’s actually very good. Lord of the Rings fans will lap it up as it is very much a Lord of the Rings take on The Hobbit, rather than a shared universe film. I realise this is a very negative sounding review, but the things I haven’t mentioned are fine as they are. It’s a good old fashioned family adventure that we haven’t had for about a decade. I just hope The Desolation of Smaug moves away from its older brothers and starts showing off what it can do.

Katy Perry: Part of Me

I’m on a bit of a documentary kick at the moment. Having forgotten that I had added the Katy Perry concert film as a half-joke to my Lovefilm list, I was more than a little surprised when they sent my an e-mail saying it was on its way. So, I decided to throw caution to the wind and not only watch it, but share my thoughts on it too. Just call me Mr. Open Mind. Actually, if we’re talking nicknames, can you just refer to me as “The 12 Incher” instead? Everyone should know about my favourite pizza diameter.

Katy Perry: Part of Me (2012)

 

I quite like Katy Perry. When I first heard her debut single “I Kissed a Girl” I hated it. It was the pop song equivalent of an attention seeking bimbo, pretending to more more drunk than she actually is, necking with her best friend on the dancefloor in the hope that some boys are watching. Since then, I haven’t minded her singles and actively liked a few. Her pitchy voice isn’t good and it sounds even worse live, but it’s inoffensive catchy pop. Something for which I have a soft spot for.

“I am not looking up quotes from the Katy Perry film”

Part of Me follows Katy Perry round on a year long global tour. That’s basically it. For the first half of the film it seemed to be what I was expecting: rigidly sticking to the usual pattern of backstage shenanigans, interviews and stage performances. It was a basic exercise in brand promotion, complete with fans saying how much of an inspiration she is and her family saying she was always destined for stardom etc etc.  So far, so eye-rolling. What really surprised me though was the second half where she’s clearly knackered from jetting back and forth all the time and trying to hold her doomed marriage to Russell Brand together. There’s one bit in particular when she’s all glammed up in a ridiculous outfit, ready to go on stage and she can’t stop crying. It’s really disturbing to see the cartoon pop princess openly sobbing right before she has to perform in front of a hojillion people. I was super-prepared to have to sit through 90 minutes of corporate sparkly guff. That I was not expecting. Perry’s roots are quite interesting too, having been raised in a strict Christian house with her dad being a preacher. We see her early music career falter due to labels trying to make her the new Alanis Morissette or the next Avril Lavigne.

There’s not too much else to say about it, really. Most of it is just performances of Perry’s famous singles and a few crappy album tracks. The performances themselves are colourful and extravagant as one would expect. It’s a genuinely lovely thing to see young fans of hers light up with wonder as fireworks go off or Perry changes into another outfit in the blink of an eye. As with most things of this ilk, the film really has a focus on making it “all about the fans”, presumably so that they’ll buy more shit. The fans are interesting. They range from young girls with braces to “wacky” mums. It must be said that her male fans are the campest bunch around. There’s only one exception during one of her songs where the camera cuts to a female teen and a typical jock vest-wearing douche, complete with barbed wire tattoo, both belting out lyrics like you wouldn’t believe. I had to pause the film due to laughter. I don’t understand why her fans cry though. It’s a phenomenon I’ve never understood- screaming and crying for your favourite celebrity. Is it just a huge outpouring of emotion? If I was famous, I’d be really freaked out by a huge gathering of screaming and sobbing teens. It’s akin to a nightmare I once had.

“Seriously, it’s not worth my time.”

I actually enjoyed Part of Me. I’m not the target audience, but the songs were energetic and fun. It also contains a proper peek behind the glitzy curtain at Perry’s personal life and a level of honesty that I thought impossible in a production such as this. I bet you anything that Justin Bieber’s Never Say Never didn’t contain scenes of Bieber weeping. If it did, I’d torrent that shit so fast. Anyway, Part of Me ain’t great, but it’s not bad either. Now away with you before you realise you’ve spent a good couple of minutes reading a clueless fatso’s opinion on a glorified promotional item.

The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn – Part Two

You knew it was coming- especially as I’ve made a point of seeing and reviewing every Twilight film thus far. Whilst the critical reaction has been predictably cool towards it, I’d heard from some reliable Twihards (who aren’t as blinkered to the franchise’s flaws as you may think) that Part Two was a decent conclusion to the saga. I will say it again, I don’t hate Twilight. It’s about time that tween/teen girls are catered to in the way teen boys have been for years. I just wish it was better than it is. Anyway- for people yet to see it- SPOILERS ABOUND. Seriously- like the bastard I am, I spoil the entire ending so you have been warned.

The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn – Part Two (2012)

So yeah, it’s the final Twilight film. Well, at least until they work out some kind of Jacob/Renesmee trilogy later on – because money. To be honest, I’m a little bummed out. Having got on board with it late, I caught up with the Twi-phenomenon pretty early on, having only missed the first film in cinemas. Suddenly, all the previously baffling fangirl squeeing made sense. Whilst I have never truly rated a Twilight film (highest scoring so far is New Moon with an average three stars), it was a cultural milestone that I understood. I was “with it” for a while. But, to quote the great Grampa Simpson: “then they changed what “it” was. Now what I’m with isn’t it, and what’s “it” seems weird and scary to me.”

“I thought we would be safe forever. But “forever” isn’t as long as I’d hoped.”

With no concessions for latecomers to the series, Part Two focuses on Bella (Kristen Stewart) adjusting to her newfound lease of death as a super-powered vampire. Bella, new hubby Edward (Robert Pattinson) and their daughter Renesmee (Mackenzie Foy) are trying to settle down as a family. Shape-shifting wolf lad Jacob Black (Taylor Lautner) is still hanging around having “imprinted” on the Cullens’ daughter in the last film and being bonded to her for life. All is not well, as the vampire order, the Volturi, led by vampire elder Aro (Michael Sheen) are misinformed that Renesmee is an “immortal child” i.e. a child that has been turned into a vampire rather than the human/vampire hybrid she is. Since immortal children are against the Volturi code, Aro and his army of fanged fuckers start marching towards Cullen HQ with the sole purpose of executing Renesmee. With the last book split into two films because, y’know- money, Part Two feels pretty padded at times. The film basically covers the last third of the book where Bella is all fanged up and there’s not much of a story left to tell. Having not read the source Necronomicon, but glancing through the Wiki page, I can ascertain that the film deviates rather drastically from the novel. I’ll get back to that in a minute.

Kristen Stewart cannot act. Being the kindest I can, all I can say is that she has a supremely limited range. I have not seen anything with her in to convince me otherwise. Here’s where the internet’s legion of white knights jump in and tell me to check out On the Road, the recent Jack Kerouac adaptation where Ms. Stewart gets to showcase her non-blockbuster side and has the room to properly act. I saw it and it was OK, but all it proved is that she’s even boring with her top off. She gives the same flat, wooden performance here that she has done throughout the series. Conversely, I think Pattinson really can act, having liked him a lot in Cosmopolis. He’s hampered here as zero-charisma Cullen. Talking of people who are boring with their top on, Taylor Lautner gives a OK curtain call as Jacob. As usual, Michael Sheen is the best thing in the film, with his Aro reaching new levels of Saturday morning villainy. There’s an amazing moment late in the film where he gives a creepy, ridiculous laugh that fucking killed at the cinema. It got a huge snort from me. Dakota Fanning doesn’t have much to do this time round, which is a shame as she’s great. She does get one very memorable scene that I won’t spoil for you though.

So- that tantalising deviation I teased you with. In the book, the Volturi march their way to Forks, meet the Cullens and their assembled army, have the Renesmee situation explained to them and then promptly bugger off back to Italy. The filmmakers knew the audience would have major cinematic blue balls if they had to sit through and hour and a bit of padded preparation for the Volturi battle only for the situation to be defused instantly. So we actually get a huge battle involving super-powered vampires and huge-ass werewolves. I shit you not, it is AWESOME. It’s schlocky and ludicrous, but boy, is it fun. It’s brutal as balls too, with heads being popped off with the gleeful abandon of a deranged child going to town on a bucket of Lego figures. Major characters get thoroughly merked and I had my mouth agape. Shit, this was brave. Sadly, it turns out to be a projection of a possible future by Alice (Ashley Greene), which is one step up from “it was all a dream”. It’s a sorely-needed injection of fun into an otherwise pretty drab flick. A couple more good things: for the first time in the series, the film has some stylish opening credits which are great. The dialogue isn’t as fist-gnashingly terrible as it has been in previous installments. Sure, I’m still not likely to get any lines chiselled onto my tombstone or tattooed on my neck, but it’s functional rather than outright embarrassing. In another first for the series, I believed Bella and Edward’s relationship was bordering on genuine love. Whilst the actors still have no chemistry with each other (even though they date in real life) it’s nice to see something approaching human emotion in the film. Plus, I even liked the sappy montage at the end. I know, I know- just snap a pink thong on me and ship me off to Fire Island.

Lavish credits aside, the film still looks as cheap as anything. This is a tentpole 2012 picture, released by a major studio, that has the privilege of being a current pop culture touchstone and having a built-in dedicated fanbase. They could have tarted things up a bit, but it still looks like an episode of Doctor Who. The effects are still as rough as a jar of dog arseholes and no effort has been made to improve them. Skyfall may have been accused of sucking the corporate cock a bit too often with all its product placement and “brand alignment” (a phrase that makes me want to fucking vomit) but at least the money’s all there on the screen. Breaking Dawn has plenty of its own products strategically placed and has at least 75% of Bond’s budget. That’s not to mention the fact that pretty much the entire soundtrack album (available wherever Goth girls dream) plays at arbitrary points during the film. Where is all this sodding money going? The CGI wolves still look terrible and some of the vampire whooshing effects are truly laughable. Part Two is the only film in the series where I’ve felt it has open contempt for its audience.It’s an unnecessary release for starters, but no effort has been made to make it considerably better in any way. Oh, and the name “Renesmee” is still a stutarded fartmanteau.

Part Two does retains some of the series’ trademark cringeworthy moments and baffling decisions.There’s a moment early on where Bella and Edward are getting busy. This being a PG-13/12A you can show heads being ripped off but not anything slightly saucy. Therefore, they had to get clever. To show Bella arriving at O City and not content with showing the perfectly acceptable “fist clenching the sheets” shot, they CGI in some sparks and golden mist around her head. It was HILARIOUS. Which I’m sure it wasn’t meant to be. They also do something creepy with the infant Renesmee where they’ve CGI’d the face for no apparent reason. It has a really distracting and unnerving effect like those reprehensible Evian ads that showed CGI rollerskating babies and was the direct cause of a huge wave of unprovoked civilian stabbings. CGI ain’t cheap, so why the living balls were they messing around with orgasm sparks and baby faces when they could be making the motherfucking plot-important wolves more convincing? Christ- I feel like I’m taking crazy pills.

“Lot of red eyes around here…”

I’m inclined to be kind to Breakin’ 2: Electric Boogaloo. I’d be a bare-faced liar if I said I didn’t enjoy it. Whilst it really isn’t saying much, I think it’s the best of the series or at least on par with my favourite, New Moon. I’m certain it pleased its audience. If I was entertained by it, they must be going mental in the multiplexes. I’m glad that Hollywood seems to have realised the potential of the tween audience and is prepared to put megabucks behind projects. The awesome Hunger Games probably wouldn’t have been made if it weren’t for Twilight leading the way. It’s just a shame that the series as a whole is a badly written, irony free experience. Girls deserve better than this and hopefully amongst the fucktillion projects tailored for the same audience greenlit in Twilight‘s wake, there’ll be a few good ‘uns out there.

Space Jam

I’m not doing this to be OMG random lol!!!!!1 #YOLO #KONY2012. I heard R.Kelly’s “I Believe I Can Fly” on the radio the other day and it struck me just how odd it was that the song was done for the unbelievably shallow Space Jam. I can totally buy “Can You Feel The Love Tonight” for The Lion King, but The Lion King was actually about something. It had emotions in it. Plus, Disney kind of unofficially own that “video of orchestrally backed song with film projected in the background” thing. Anyway, it got me thinking about the film and here we are:

Space Jam (1996)

You’d be hard-pressed to find something as lazy and mercenary as Space Jam. I don’t think I saw this in the cinema at the time, but I sure as hell remember the marketing. I was excited for Space Jam, even though I didn’t know the rules of basketball and I had no idea who Michael Jordan was. Space Jam is based on the then highly successful Nike adverts featuring Jordan and Bugs Bunny.See a classic example here. Adverts turned into feature films have never been a good idea, with the Jim Varney Ernest films and the Johnny English films both based on 30 second annoyances and attesting to that fact. I remember liking it as a kid, but the real test is revisiting these things later and seeing if they hold up. It really doesn’t. It’s terrible, but you already knew that.

“C’mon, Michael! It’s game time! Get your Hanes on, lace up your Nikes, grab your Wheaties and your Gatorade, and we’ll pick up a Big Mac on the way to the ballpark.”

The plot is that some aliens want to take the Looney Tunes back to their failing space theme park and have them as permanent attractions. Bugs Bunny (Billy West) et al. instead challenge the vertically-challenged invaders to a basketball game. The aliens then steal the talent from NBA players and become big and scary, calling themselves “The Monstars”. The Tunes rope in Michael Jordan to help their chances and avoid becoming space prisoners. Fuck me, I know some kids’ films don’t try, but Jesus. I really hate it when kiddie films put in no effort whatsoever like this. The film is a giant advert for adverts and as such has no time for anything like plotting, decent characters or jokes. The Looney Tunes cartoons are genuinely funny. Who doesn’t love a bit of Bugs Bunny or a smattering of Wile E. Coyote and Roadrunner? Here they’re not their usual funny anarchic selves. They’re corporate shills doing and saying safe, unfunny things to sell trainers, fast food and tie-in toys. It’s fucking tragic. Talking of “fucking tragic”, Michael Jordan. The guy may have been good at dunking, but he ain’t good at acting. Same goes for the obviously-famous-to-Americans other players who have all the thespian talent and charm of a turd in an envelope. The only bright spot is Bill Murray turning up, but he’s only here in a “oh shit, it’s Bill Murray!” type capacity.

The film wants to be like Who Framed Roger Rabbit? but gets nowhere near. Roger Rabbit is a clever film noir pastiche and the animation is beautiful. This is just some slapped together toss. Here’s the thing, as a rule of thumb kids don’t need much to be entertained. I think the test of a good kids’ film is whether you can watch it as a jaded adult and still enjoy it. Some Disney films still hold up. A lot of the Pixars have and will continue to stand the test of time. Do you know why? Because they are about the story. Roger Rabbit was about the story, not famous cartoon characters farting about. That was just a tertiary element.

Space Jam is boring. It has a vague idea what kids like and crowbars in all the popular Looney Tunes to say their catchphrases before focusing on Michael Jordan again. I remembered it being a lot more enjoyable than this. I feel sorry for the parents who were bullied by their kids to go and see this. Weirdly, the film has small nods to its adult audience with references to Patton and Pulp Fiction (the latter complete with a blast of “Miserlou”). It’s really strange. Strangest of all though is the introduction of new “Tune” Lola Bunny. A literal Jessica Rabbit character, she slinks around making all the toons lust after her. Oh, and she has a thing about being called “doll”, so clearly she’s a classic female character for the ages ( I think I remember Pamela Anderson’s character in the equally shit Barb Wire having a similar character trait). The level of sexualisation here is off the charts. A quick dark but educational trip to DeviantArt proved that she gained some sweaty perverted fans after her appearance in this film. Jerking off over cartoon rabbits, that’s how far humanity has sunk, people.

The film made me realise a few important things:

1) A kids’ film that holds up to the harsh criticism of a jaded adult is truly a treasure and should be celebrated as such.

2) Basketball is all presentation and no substance. It’s a boring game in an incredibly glitzy wrapper.

3) Kids will pretty much enjoy anything.

4) Not even Bill Fucking Murray can save a film this bad.

“This guy next to me is doing something very weird in his raincoat.” 

So I guess I asked for it, but Space Jam is a stinker of epic proportions. I’ve seen a few people holding it up as a childhood classic, but I challenge those same people to sit down and watch it now. It really isn’t good. It’s not even passable. The only interesting thing about it is that, amazingly, the original promotional website is still up and functioning. If you want to see what passed for the Internet back in the mid to late ’90s, check it out here. Hahaha! What backwards feckless cavemen we were back then! Anyway, reviews of real films coming soon. Watch this space.

Skyfall

Just for a change, I thought I’d take a look at the new Bond film. Variety, yeah? That’s why I’m known as the Steven Soderbergh of the film blogosphere.

Skyfall (2012)

Whilst I think the hate for Quantum of Solace has been way overblown, I think everyone agrees it was a bit of a misfire and certainly not a worthy sequel to Casino Royale. As I’m sure you’re very much aware after the complete media bombardment of all things 007, it’s the 50th anniversary of Bond and the last thing they need is a right turkey stinking up multiplexes when they’re trying to fence fragrances. Thankfully, Skyfall is a return to form. It’s bloody brilliant and I will attempt to justify my position on it using my “big boy” words.

“There’s some men coming to kill us. We’re going to kill them first.”

When a hard drive containing all the names of undercover NATO agents is stolen, M (Judi Dench) and MI6 comes under fire for their negligence, mostly led by the newly appointed chairman Gareth Mallory (Ralph Fiennes). All clues lead back to Raoul Silva (Javier Bardem) a devious master hacker who has a personal score to settle with M. M brings in Bond (Daniel Craig), who’s not exactly in the best shape following a very near-death experience. Bond must stop Silva from releasing the names before more agents are compromised. Along the way, he gets help from the glamourous but fragile Sévérine (Bérénice Marlohe), rookie field agent Eve (Naomie Harris) and the new Q (Ben Whishaw). The plot is solid. This is exactly what Quantum of Solace was lacking, a simple story with a clear goal. Skyfall is probably the most personal Bond story since Licence to Kill, or even On Her Majesty’s Secret Service. With the Craig films they actually seem to be more about creating a three-dimensional hero rather than a blank slate for audience projection purposes. Thank Christ too. For the first time in a Bond film, Skyfall is as much about M as it is Bond which is a bold move that totally pays off. Skyfall actually takes it time in building characters, even the incidental and secondary characters have enough room to breathe and evolve, as exemplified by Fiennes’ Mallory.

Daniel Craig is really comfortable as Bond now. As I said before, one of the only positives about QoS was the fact that Craig hit his stride as 007 amongst all those plot things that didn’t make sense. That’s not to say he phones it in here, after his brush with death, Bond is a broken, past-it agent. He spends a good part of the film unfit and bestubbled. Skyfall contains some proper demons, both internal and external for Bond to battle and Craig does an amazing job. Fuck the critics, he is the best Bond. Judi Dench gets some more to deal with than she has before and reminds us why she’s the national treasure she is. She gives her best performance yet as M and reinforces the stroke of genius it was to cast her all those years ago in GoldenEye. In a lesser film, she’d be the best thing in it, but Skyfall has the scene-stealing Silva played with glee by Javier Bardem. People who have seen the Coens’ No Country For Old Men will know how villainous Bardem can be. He’s utterly charismatic. He reminded me a lot of Heath Ledger’s Joker from The Dark Knight. Much like the Joker, he’s amusing but undeniably scary at the same time. I don’t want to give too much away about him, but suffice to say he’s one of the best Bond baddies ever. It’s an incredible performance. Bérénice Marlohe gives a great turn as Sévérine and leaves a lasting impression with the limited screentime she has. 28 Days Later‘s Naomie Harris also does well as Eve, who hopefully does become the recurring character the film sets her up as. Also, hooray for Ben Whishaw as the new Q and the bearded lovely that is Albert Finney.

Skyfall has some amazing sequences. The rollicking pre-credits sequence which evolves from a car chase to a bike chase to a digger bit to a fight on top of a speeding train is awesome and classic Bond. The title sequence and song are also fantastic. Three cheers for Daniel Kleinman and Adele. There’s some seriously entertaining stuff set in subterranean London, a great and tense encounter in Shanghai, it’s just all good. It’s all building to the incredible third act. It’s a grim, stripped-down almost gothic finale that works unbelievably well. It’s quite similar to Straw Dogs but with way more things going bang. I saw the film at the Cardiff IMAX which added a whole new level. Christ, I felt some of those explosions in my sternum. The film is amazingly shot as well with Sam Mendes and Roger Deakins getting the very best out of the exotic locations. Shanghai in particular has never looked so stunning.

Much has been made of the product placement, but I have to say I didn’t really notice it. There was outcry at the notion of Bond drinking a Heineken, but it’s in a very low-key way. It hasn’t replaced the iconic vodka martini. The sparse tuts I heard in the screening when Bond took a swig of the bottled horse piss were soon girlish squees when the Aston Martin DB5 turned up. Double standards, innit. Perhaps in another 50 years’ time audiences will be cheering when 007 downloads a Heineken X5 to his throatdrive. Also, I don’t really have a problem with product placement, as long as the camera doesn’t linger on something for too long or there are lines of dialogue drawing attention to a specific product. Plus, whatever pays the bills. All that sponsorship paid for about a third of the total budget of $150-200 million.

There were only a few little things that bugged me. There are some needless CGI Komodo Dragons at one point which are at real odds with the realistic tone of the film. Also, I don’t think Craig is cut out for the one-liners. There are a few here that just feel crowbarred in. I understand the producers want to get back to classic Bond and a bit of humour is part of that. The film is genuinely funny at times but none of the laughs came from the forced quips. Dalton also had the same problem and was hampered with them in The Living Daylights. Please drop these in future, people. Also, why did the film end and not start with the gunbarrel again? Bond 24 better not do this too.

“She sent you after me, knowing you’re not ready, knowing you would likely die. Mommy was very bad.” 

There are some surprises in Skyfall that I just don’t want to spoil. Suffice to say the stage is now set for future Bond adventures. As Bond himself says in the film, it’s a “brave new world” and I cannot wait to see where they go from here.