Lesbian Vampire Killers

Another hopefully not gash review of a definitely gash film. Enjoy.

Lesbian Vampire Killers (2009)

I remember first seeing the above poster and smiling at the title. After all, it’s scarily close to one of my intended pieces of filmic genius: Blood! Death! Lesbians! Part II. When the cinema release rolled around, I found myself in a gripping state of “couldn’t be arsed”, so I forgot about it for a while. The terrible reviews served as proof that I’d chosen wisely. Still, since the gods at LoveFilm decided to send me the disc, I thought I’d better review it- lest I watch a film and not feel the need to share my thoughts on a little seen film blog.

“Hahahahaha! It’s got a big metal cock for a handle!”

After Jimmy (Matthew Horne) is dumped by his serial relationship ending girlfriend, his friend Fletch (James Corden) decides they need a break and they go hiking in a small Welsh town, unaware that the town is under a curse that turns girls into lesbian vampires on their 18th birthday. The plot is a knowing spoof of the classic Hammer Horror films, but send-up or not, it’s still bad. By the end, I just didn’t care at all for any of the poorly written characters. The acting is pretty good, but the script snuffs any glimmer of enjoyment there may have been in favour of more shit jokes, of which there are ample.

It’s nigh-on impossible to not mention Shaun of the Dead in all this. Two actors, one fat, one thin, fresh from a cult TV show, do a horror comedy and it gets them famous. However, what Horne and Corden don’t seem to realise is that Shaun of the Dead worked because it was extremely well-written. Lesbian Vampire Killers‘ banter aims for the same back and forth that Shaun and Ed had, but misses it entirely. Take this choice exchange and tell me if it doesn’t want to make you punch a kitten with rage:

“Fletch: This is all getting a bit weird, eh? Women going missing, towels covered in blood…

Jimmy: Well it’s not really “covered”, it’s more of a light spotting…

Fletch: (Sarcastically) Oh well, that’s alright then…”

What annoys me most of all is that the film seems to think it’s actually funny. It’s like some twat at a party who keeps telling shit jokes, but everyone’s too embarrassed to call him out on it. Only, Lesbian Vampire Killers is worse, because you can at least physically throttle the unfunny party twunt if you so wish. Some of the gags were so hackneyed I had to stop myself from turning it off, lying on the ground and seeing if I could headbutt my way through to China. Not a good sign.

Lesbian Vampire Killers bills itself as a “horror comedy” but as it isn’t scary and is certainly not funny, it’s actually a “_________”. It’s simply a film -and a bad one at that. It even had the audacity to set up a possible sequel, something which terrified me to my very core. Please, for fuck’s sake, avoid this “film”.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.

%d bloggers like this: