Category: Review

Godzilla

 
Waiting for Godzilla
 

Godzilla (2014)

I think we can add Godzilla 2K14 to the ever-growing list of “films with misleading trailers”. The theatrical trailer seems to advertise a sombre remake of 1954’s original, starring Bryan Cranston and complete with nuclear horror catharsis and dark tone. However, the film I just saw is a modern version of the later ‘Zilla films where he’s humanity’s protector against a bigger threat, complete with a slightly goofier tone and starring that guy from Kick-Ass. This is not a bad thing by any stretch, I just feel kinda lied to. Still, it is what it is and I have various things to say about it.

“The arrogance of men is thinking nature is in their control and not the other way around. Let them fight.”

Fifteen years after an ‘incident’ at a Japanese nuclear power plant that claimed a number of lives, including his wife’s, physicist Joe Brody (Bryan Cranston) joins forces with his soldier son Ford (Aaron Taylor-Johnson) to uncover what really happened that day, determined that the government’s “earthquake” explanation is covering up something a lot bigger. The pair are soon embroiled in a tale of secrets upon secrets that could ultimately mean the dethroning of humans as the dominant species on the planet. Also Godzilla (playing himself) is in it.

Internet reaction has been divided on this one because, well, it’s the internet. I’ve seen it hailed as the new Jurassic Park and shat on as the new Phantom Menace. One particular hot topic for both camps is the fact that Godzilla doesn’t show up until a good hour into the film. Personally, I have no problem with it. I’m all about the slow burn and teasing reveals. The film feels like it’s deliberately fucking with you at times, by denying us an epic monster brawl at least twice. There’s one scene in particular where Godzilla squares off against a MUTO (Massive Unidentified Terrestrial Organism), in amongst an airport on fire. It’s an amazing bit and every single sign is pointing to monster carnage. However instead of getting the smackdown we want, we then cut to a live broadcast of the fight being watched by Ford’s son at home, managing to only catch a few glimpses of them going toe-to-toe. The audible reaction this got in the screening was genuinely funny. I was frustrated too, but told myself it would pay off. It’s in sharp contrast to the ADD filmmaking we’re normally stuck with and I respect it for that.  In my review of it, I called The Raid 2 a cocktease, but Godzilla makes Raid 2 look like the school slut. Director Gareth Edwards is wearing his Spielberg influence on his sleeve and pulling the same trick both Jaws and Jurassic Park did. In one way, it works as intended, but in another way it highlights what’s wrong with the film.

The human characters are fucking boring. Only Cran the Man is really noteworthy here, doing some stellar work and making his conspiracy nut character relatable and sympathetic. Being the only character I liked, naturally the film’s done with him fairly early on and we’re lumped with Ford Brody, the most generic whitebread character imaginable. His motivation is to get back to his family, a driving force that has only been used in a fucktillion other disaster movies. I wouldn’t mind so much, but Aaron Taylor-Johnson is completely flat. The usually excellent Elizabeth Olsen is relegated to “underwritten wife character waiting for the big strong man to sort things out” and it’s dumb. Ken Watanabe’s character seems to be the one saddled with the respectful empath to Godzilla role, with no real explanation as to why he knows these things about the creature. Spielberg got away with the teasing the big reveal stuff because we cared about the characters. Here, the wait feels doubly long because there’s no emotional connection to the leads. I didn’t give a fuck about Ford Brody and that’s really a shame. I get that Godzilla films aren’t about the humans, but they could have given us something more compelling than this.

When we do finally get the hyped monster action it’s fantastic. The scale and scope of everything is perfect. You’re really made aware that these are gargantuan creatures. I don’t know how it’s been managed, but the CGI heavy fights have a real old-school charm to them and almost have man-in-a-suit physics, especially when they fall into buildings. Some of the shots are truly awe-inspiring and reminded me just why I love films in the first place. There are several moments that had me wanting to leap up from my chair and applaud. The joyous laughter when Godzilla did this cool thing or for that little moment was infectious. I can’t see many people having a problem with Zilla this time round. He looks awesome and he’s got some personality to him. There’s even a bit where it’s clear he’s frustrated and it’s genuinely endearing. The HALO jump featured heavily in the marketing is also jaw-dropping. Thanks to all the teasing, the finale feels like a proper finale, not just a longer version of what’s come before. It earned its ending and the final 20 minutes or so are the best.

The script is the problem. It’s a stitched together patchwork with conflicting voices and ideas. It has no real clue how humans actually talk and coasts along with Nolan/Goyeresque functional dialogue that has artificial gravitas and meaning.  There are some interesting concepts, such as the origin of the MUTOs and the notion that all the nuclear testing in the Pacific back in the ’50s wasn’t exactly to test, but rather an attempt to kill something. This is one of the only times where I’ve felt the director was trying to add his own flair to proceedings and was shackled by the shoddy writing. There’s a moment which reminded me of Monsters, Edwards’ previous film, and I asked myself why Godzilla didn’t have the same charm to it. Monsters wasn’t about the creatures, it was about the people. It’s a shame Godzilla didn’t sing from the same hymn book.

“You’re not fooling anybody when you say that what happened was a ‘natural disaster’. You’re lying! It was not an earthquake, it wasn’t a typhoon! Because what’s really happening is that you’re hiding something out there! And it is going to send us back to the Stone Age! God help us all.”

Godzilla isn’t bad. It’s just strangely lopsided. I found it to be somewhat of a disappointment. I wanted to love this film. I was all ready to carve its name on my chest, but alas. The monster stuff is awesome in the purest sense of the word and there are some decent bits scattered through to keep you bumping along, but you’re well within your rights to give up after the first hour when it becomes clear it’s just a holding pattern featuring some boring twats.

The Raid 2

 

My wife went to Indonesia last year.
Jakarta?
Nah, she went by plane.
 

The Raid 2 (2014)

How do you solve a problem like Maria a Raid sequel? It’s a tough one. The first one was basically a feature length action sequence with little story bits inserted to keep the whole thing from being utterly exhausting. How do you raise the stakes for a sequel? A taller building for Rama to scale? More bad dudes to fight through? Bad idea. Thankfully, The Raid 2 (subtitled “Berandal” in some places) knows just how- sweep the board clear and start playing a whole new game with different rules.

“You apologise! In their language, in our land! Where is your honour?”

So, after Rama (Iko Uwais) beat the shit out of an entire council estate’s worth of people, he’s recruited by Banuwar (Cok Simbara), the head of a secretive anti-corruption task force with a view to take down crooked cops and go after the gangsters bankrolling them. After initially declining his offer, Rama ends up with a personal stake in taking down Bejo (Alex Abbad) a gangster with great ambitions of climbing the crime ladder. Rama must go undercover to get close to the imprisoned son of mob boss Bangun (Tio Pakusadewo) and start bringing it down from the inside. Instead of delivering the same old flat story, The Raid 2 is a sprawling crime epic. It clocks in at significantly longer than its predecessor by about 40 minutes and you get the feeling it genuinely needs that extra elbow room to do justice to the narrative. As there’s more of a story focus this time round, the film’s in need of some proper performances and meets this admirably. Iko Uwais is just as fun to watch as he was in the first film and shows he’s no slouch when it comes to acting either. All the cast are impressive. Show stealer though is definitely Arifin Putra as Bangun’s son, Uco. He’s a petulant little shit with some serious issues barely contained under the surface and I loved every single minute he was on screen. Also worthy of a mention is the barely recognisable Yayan Ruhian (Mad Dog from the first ‘un) as Prakoso, a sort of tramp hitman (trashsassin?) with a penchant for machetes.

The Raid 2 is a bit of a cocktease. Let me qualify that before we get into some areas that may be off topic and distasteful. It knows you bought a ticket for the limb-snapping, flesh-slicing, face-punching action, but it’s in no hurry to get there. You know it’ll give you the business eventually, but it wants to make you squirm for a bit first. We get drip-fed a few bits of violence here and there, but it’s mostly concerned with world building and setting up motivations. This is how it should be. The pacing is just right. It knows when your attention may be starting to dwindle and will then hit you with something awesome. It builds tension incredibly well. By the time some action does kick off, it feels earned and organic. Christ, do you know how refreshing it is to not roll your eyes at Obligatory Action Sequence #73ba getting under way a mere few minutes after the last one for fear of losing the ADD crowd?

The action, hoo boy, the action. I genuinely had no idea how they were going to try and top the last film. More baddies? Nastier weapons? Lasers? Luckily, Evans, Uwais and the creative team are a lot smarter and more imaginative than I am. Whilst my first two predictions were kind of true, they’re implemented in a way that doesn’t seem like needless one-upmanship of what’s come before. There’s some great gunplay on display and there’s a car chase which I genuinely think is the finest car chase I’ve ever seen. Not content with following Rama around, the film also gives us three colourful mini-bosses in the forms of a man only known as “The Assassin” who favours some terrifyingly sharp curved daggers when it comes to wetwork and the brother and sister team of “Hammer Girl” and “Baseball Bat Man” whose chosen weapons should be pretty evident. Some of the shit these people get up to is nothing short of jaw-dropping. Much like the first film, you’ll be laughing and wincing in equal measures.

I suppose my one criticism of The Raid 2 is the fact the the scope is so much bigger, humble ol’ Rama gets lost in the mix occasionally. The film is still undoubtedly his, but his story is a lot stronger this time round and as such you miss him when the film is busy showing us what the three assassins or the various crime bosses are up to. The film gives the relatively incidential Prakoso a whole sympathetic backstory but then doesn’t really do anything with it. To my mind, there are two possible reasons for this slight lack of focus. One, it could be that I was just used to spending time with Rama after the first film had a heavy emphasis on him. Secondly, the Berandal script was written way before The Raid, but deemed too expensive and ambitious at the time and so was shelved until recently where it was dusted off and reworked into a Raid sequel. Still, only a minor niggle and definitely not a film breaking issue.

“It will be a few months. You can’t know where I am and I can’t be seen anywhere near you.”

So yeah, The Raid 2 is awesome. Gareth Evans is my favourite action director right now. Everything has been amped up in this sequel and frankly there’s not much that can touch it in my not-at-all humble, bordering on arrogant, opinion. Roll on The Raid 3.

The Raid

 

Uwais look on the bright side of life.

The Raid (2011)

 

It can’t be just me that’s noticed a severe lack of modern chop-socky action of late. It just can’t. What’s happened? Tony Jaa in Ong-Bak is the last significant martial arts sensation I can think of- and he unfortunately drove that series into the ground, making a third film so shitty that he joined a monastery and became a monk for several years. Seriously – look it up. Anyway, whilst I don’t think The Raid‘s Iko Uwais will become a household name, him and his franchise are doing a lot to fill that violent urge within us all to see badasses punch and kick people in the throat.

“*Punch sound*”

So, the plot. Iko Uwais plays Rama, a rookie cop is sent as part of a SWAT team to clear out a towerblock in Jakarta’s slums, run by crime lord Tama Riyadi (Ray Sahetapy) and take the big bad down.  Trouble is, there are 30 odd floors of bad dudes between the gun pigs and Tama and the residents inbetween aren’t fans of bacon. Unable to leave, the cops have to fight their way to the top. Cue bloody mayhem. The Raid is as stripped down as you can get. It has the very basics of a story in place, but you’re not going to get anything particularly well-written or anything willing to step outside of various action clichés. Whilst the story isn’t worth writing home about, that’s not to say it’s to be dismissed completely. It’s pretty efficient at setting up who is who and what their motivations are, a feat to be commended in an age where there are blockbusters films being released that can’t manage that in their total runtimes. There are some nice moments here and there and it’s certainly not bad. The plot is totally not the point though. It’s a framework on which to hang oodles of hyper-violence. It’s very much like a video game and that’s not a negative thing. Iko Uwais is such a find for Gareth Evans. The man not only kicks an unholy amount of arse, but he’s a decent actor too. I really like Joe Taslim as the gruff Jaka and especially love the unhinged Mad Dog, played by Yayan Ruhian.

Before I get into the boring bit of describing the fighting, let me say a few things. The film has a great control of its atmosphere. It’s a grim film and there’s an oppressive sense of tension as Rama and the cops start moving through the building. It really weighs heavy on you. The other thing I really like about the film is its sense of geography. What the balls do I mean by that? Well, the film gives us a clear idea of where our heroes and villains are at all times. We see the SWAT team ascend the floors. We know so-and-so’s apartment is on the 7th floor. We know Tama is at the very top of the complex. It all adds to the immersion and sells the fact this is a real place. Take a look at the modern daddy of the “trapped in a place” films, Die Hard. Next time you watch that film, take note of the surprising amount of time the film dedicates to telling us just where McClane is and where he needs to go next. Anyway. It’s a good thing what this film done. End of point. Also, it’s interesting to note that the film has two soundtracks. I’ve only heard the American one, done by composer Joseph Trapanese (who worked on Tron: Legacy‘s brilliant Daft Punk soundtrack and M83’s equally good Oblivion soundtrack) and Linkin Park’s Mike Shinoda (without a sense of confidence /I’m convinced that there’s just too much pressure to take), but I rate it highly. Really adds to the off-kilter feel of the film.

So, the all-important action. It’s fucking awesome and some of the best fight choreography I’ve ever seen. It’s fast, brutal and visceral. I really recommend watching The Raid with a group of similarly-minded people. Like all the best martial arts films, you’ll be laughing with sheer glee one minute and wincing, but still smiling, the next. It’s super violent stuff, no doubt about it, but it’s done with such skill and precision it’s like watching the world’s most hardcore ballet with machetes and broken bones. It’s a massive showcase for the Indonesian martial art of Pencak Silat and by Christ, is it cool. I know calling something “awesome” and “cool” is hardly the best criticism (although it’s never stopped me), but there’s not much else to say about fight scenes. You don’t calmly and intellectually dissect them. You fuckin’ feel them in your core, brother! The Raid is all about action sequences and it does them extraordinarily well. The first time I saw the film, I walked out with a mile-wide smile and and urge to punch and kick everything and everybody in sight. That’s exactly what a good martial arts film should do.

“*Kick noise*”

If you haven’t seen it yet, check out The Raid. It’s light on story but heavy on punches. It’s also one of my favourite action films ever. Plus, the sequel’s out.

The Amazing Spider-Man 2

 

 The Raging Spider-Fan 2

The Amazing Spider-Man 2 (2014)

 
 

Nothing in recent cinematic memory has incensed me more than 2012’s The Amazing Spider-Man, a film that not only turned my favourite character of all time into a self-centred, jumped-up little prick and gave us a weak rehashing of a great origin story but also had the gall to not even properly tell a story, period. I have talked the ears off of anyone who would listen about how it’s a complete failure of a film and how Marc Webb is a gormless guffbag, but eventually even I got sick of hearing myself talk about it. So why can’t I just ignore it? I don’t know. I’m a glutton for punishment. Despite having had my fingers burned, I was compelled to see how bad the sequel would be. It’s messed up, I know.

“Nothing is what I thought it was.”

Peter Parker (Andrew Garfield) is still trying to find a balance between his personal life and his spandexed hero one. Things are ramping up as he’s graduating high school and college beckons. Parker is also struggling with his promise to Captain Stacy (Denis Leary) about staying away from Gwen (Emma Stone). Things get kicked up several notches when nobody electrical engineer Max Dillon (Jamie Foxx) has a terrible industrial accident and becomes a purely electrical malevolent being known as “Electro”.  To make things more complicated, Peter’s old BFF Harry Osborn (Dane DeHaan) returns from his travels abroad, literally after Spider-Man’s blood. OK, here’s where it’s tough. As with the first film, the actors are all great, but either given fuck all to do or insanely miscast. Garfield is still OK as Parker, although I swear to Christ he’s playing the guy as autistic. Emma Stone is also fine as Gwen and the banter between the two is still one of the film’s only charms. Jamie Foxx does good work, but is let down by the shoddy script. Sally Field is again the film’s MVP as Aunt May and Dane DeHaan is a fantastic Harry, although the less said about his “transformation”, the better.

Here’s the thing. This rebooted series has no backbone whatsoever. It has no goddamn dignity. It’d bend over and spread its arsecheeks whilst singing a medley of the current top 40 if it thought it could make an extra ticket sale. I may have hated the ridiculous Dark Knight lite aesthetic of the first film, but fuck me if they haven’t slammed the tonal lever in the opposite direction and given us a goofy-as-fuck Spidey with primary colours and dumb-as-hell happenings. This may as well be another reboot. Sequels are often overreactions to criticisms of the preceding films- we know this to be true, but this is beyond the pail. Why can’t we have a happy medium? Why does it always have to be absolutes? Sam Raimi’s films are strangely timeless because they took place in a weird ’60s/modern day hybrid world. TASM 2 is doing all it can to pander to today’s youth and will be dated by the time it hits DVD shelves.

For a while, I thought I may have to choke down some hefty helpings of humble pie when it started trying to make sense of the tangled mess of story the first film left on. It was almost like it was taking my personal niggles and checking them off one by one. Stupid suit? Replaced with a much better one. That shit about Peter going back on his promise to Captain Stacy? Carries over and is being dealt with. The mystery of Parker’s parents that was dropped unceremoniously halfway through the first film? Also carries over. Peter used Bing to search the Net? He now uses Google like a normal person. It was uncanny. However, I realised that just because they were addressing these things, it didn’t mean they knew where to go from there. There is still no understanding of who the Spider-Man character is and why he and some of his iconic villains have stuck around for so long.

This whole situation reminds me of where Warner Bros. were in 1995 when Batman Forever came out. After the huge success of Batman in ’89, Tim Burton was given free rein for the sequel, Batman Returns. The film ended up being too damn weird and dark for its own good and caused many a furrowed brow,  basically boiling down to not being marketable enough for the suits. Joel Schumacher was brought in for Forever and turned the colour saturation and the camp factor up to 11 and changed it from a dark, moody piece to a screaming neon toy advert. Same basic thing here. Sony were reportedly unhappy with the final version of TASM and so it makes sense they would want to change writers and flip the tone. They’ve got a whole contrived universe to build after all.

I’m reminded of Batman Forever in another way when it comes to Electro. If you remember, Batman Forever featured Jim Carrey’s Edward Nygma, a deranged superfan of Bruce Wayne’s who decides to become his mortal enemy in the form of The Riddler after an imagined slight. Guess what Max Dillon’s story is. At the base of it, I could see it working. Max is an invisible nobody- a loser so kicked down and pushed around, he’s taken aback when somebody remembers his name. He’s a sympathetic character. Thing is, this is waay too broad and they squander any dramatic potential. He sports a greasy combover and is bespectacled. He’s turned his home into a Spidey shrine. He has imaginary discussions with Spider-Man. He’s a Hollywood nerd from a frathouse comedy. It’s honestly like he’s stepped straight out of an ’80s cartoon. Fuck me. It was embarrassing to watch. We’ve had over a decade of proper superhero films now. We’ve had The Avengers. We’ve moved past this shit now.

As with the first film, the main problem is the script. Having booted James Vanderbilt, Sony made the questionable decision of hiring the dumblefuck Transformers scribes to write this one. The tone flits from one thing to another, killing any resonance the scenes on screen could have had completely dead. Yeah, there’ll be stupids laughing and crying, but for the rest of us thinkrights, it’s a confusing affair. Don’t understand where I’m coming from? You try telling a joke immediately after a mass kitten burial and see how well you get on. Try giving directions to a stranger after slapping your bum and blowing raspberries at them and see how long they stick around.  A lot of emphasis has gone into making Spider-Man “funny”, but dear Lord is it painful. Humour is part of the Spider-Man character, sure. However, I must have missed the run of issues where he trots out rapid-fire unfunny quips until your knuckles are white and your teeth are cracked and bloody. It was fucking agonising. Apart from the “humour”, the film struggles with basic storytelling. Characters have no arcs, basic motivations are fucked and it’s all just a noisy light show of a spectacle inbetween. Baffling changes are made. Stuff from the comics that I figured would have been too cheesy or ridiculous for the big screen are replaced by even wackier things.

I honestly tried to like this film. I’m the forgiving sort. It took the Fast and Furious series five films to start actually being good. The sticking point for me is that (to my mind at least) they’re completely fucking up my favourite superhero. They’re mucking up opportunities left, right and centre. What’s worse is that they’ve got no plans to give the franchise back to Marvel. They’re too busy setting release dates for future films and writing spin-offs. What pisses me off is that I could have written both this review and the basic plot on a napkin just after the first trailer was released and barely had to change anything. It’s that lazy. Also, despite having talented people like Johnny Marr and Pharrell contributing, Hans Zimmer’s soundtrack sucks a fat one. Just listen to the main theme and tell me it doesn’t sound like the farted out music for the bonus features on a Superman DVD.

“I once told you that secrets have a cost. The truth does too.”

So yeah, I didn’t care for The Amazing Spider-Man 2. Fucked up fact of the matter is, it doesn’t care for anyone. It didn’t want to tell a good Spider-Man story or bring an iconic villain to life. All it is interested in is wringing out as much cash as it can from suckers before the superhero bubble bursts. Whilst there has been more effort this time round, it’s still a fucking car crash of a film. It’s a whole different kind of awful. It’s just scraping a two star rating because I know, deep down, it isn’t the worst thing ever. It’s at the very least competent in some areas, but boy did I struggle with the whole “personal bias” thing.

Captain America: The Winter Soldier

 

Signed, Shield, Delivered.
 

Captain America: The Winter Soldier (2014)

Vaguely controversial opinion time. Captain America is my favourite Avenger. The first Captain America film is also my personal favourite of Marvel’s Phase One. It spent more time and energy building its characters than any of the others in the Marvel stable. It’s proper structured storytelling with an understanding of motivation, theming and all of that other nerdy jazz than I can’t seem to stop banging on about. It’s hardly perfect though. Unfortunately, it proceeds to shite itself inside out in the last third of the film, not quite knowing what to do after skinny Steve becomes Cap in action as well as physique. However, I’d rather have two thirds of solid experience than an entirety of generic one (cough)IronMan2(cough). That being said, I had my reservations about The Winter Soldier. It’s based on a great story, but written by the people responsible for the underwhelming Thor: The Dark World and directed by some TV directors who happen to have directed the chore of the film that was You, Me and Dupree. Thankfully, I needn’t have worried.

“Most of the intelligence community doesn’t believe he exists. The ones that do call him the Winter Soldier. He’s a ghost, you’ll never find him.“

The Winter Soldier focuses on Steve Rogers aka Captain America (Chris Evans). He’s joined by Black Widow (Scarlett Johansson) and the pair, under the direction of the cycloptic Nick Fury (Samuel L. Jackson), are protecting S.H.I.E.L.D.’s interests home and abroad. Rogers, however, finds little fulfilment in being used as Fury’s personal attack dog and is still trying to figure out the modern world and his place within it. He meets up with war veteran Sam Wilson (Anthony Mackie) who has undergone a similar state of mind, not quite knowing how to adapt when the orders stop coming. We’re also introduced to Fury’s boss, Alexander Pierce (Robert Redford) who is right behind S.H.I.E.L.D.’s controversial plans to monitor the global population and take out potential threats. Concerned that something may be rotten at S.H.I.E.L.D. after an attempt on Fury’s life, Cap investigates with Fury’s warning not to trust anyone ringing in his ears. On top of all this, there’s a mysterious metal-armed super badass roaming about known only as The Winter Soldier (Sebastian Stan) causing all kinds of death and destruction. Phew. Longest plot recap ever. The story’s solid, giving us a spy thriller mixed with the standard superheroics we’re all used to seeing by now. I think the Captain America series is probably Marvel’s most experimental franchise as the first one was unapologetically a sepia-toned period piece whereas this one feels like a gritty ’70s spy epic, with the casting of Robert Redford a major clue as to what they’re shooting for. Whereas The Dark World may have left people questioning whether the superhero bubble had burst and feeling comic book fatigue, The Winter Soldier proves that if you’re smart about it, you can take on any genre and run it through the superhero filter and it’ll work. There are nice character moments and the clash of Cap’s yesteryear idealism with Fury’s post Edward Snowden/Wikileaks attitude is interesting.

The whole cast are good. Evans has refined his Steve Rogers schtick. He’s not as wide-eyed and innocent as he once was, but at the core, he’s still the same old idealistic Steve. Scarlett Johansson gets to go deeper into exactly who Romanoff is and relishes the opportunity. I have to say that I felt she was a little flat not really selling the character’s quippy nature, but that could just be her decision to make Natasha a disconnected, jaded type. Anthony Mackie is all sorts of fun as Falcon, giving Cap a proper verbal sparring partner as well as a brother in arms. Robert Redford also allows the film a sense of gravitas that it would have missed otherwise. Samuel L. Jackson. That’s all I need to say about him. Sebastian Stan gives us a good brooding Winter Soldier, but I could have done with a little more time with the character.

OK, the good stuff. There’s a lot of it. It whips along at a decent pace and has just as much time for the smaller interactions as it does for the expensive set pieces. Instead of vague “save the world” stakes (although there is some of that in there), it feels like a personal Cap story. I still love these characters and the new additions are perfectly fine in my book. I certainly hope we get to see more of Falcon and Steve’s flirty relationship with his neighbour. The action scenes are a lot of fun too. There’s an elevator fight and a very Heat inspired daylight shootout that are definitely big highlights. The writing’s more on point that it was in The Dark World and there are some really fantastic concepts being played with coupled with quotable quips and gags. Steve has lost his faith in government and authority and is questioning his orders for the first time. You know something’s up when the walking posterboy for following the rules and eating your greens starts becoming disaffected. It actually has something to say about the modern world and takes more of a stance on the military secrets/ constant surveillance issue than the wishy-washy wank that was The Fifth Estate, a film purportedly solely about all of that stuff. Add all of this up and it’s exactly the sort of thing I want from a Captain America film. Plus, at no point do the wheels fall off and they forget to tell a story, like in the first one. Big bonus points there.

My only criticism is that I wanted to see more of The Winter Soldier. Although it’s not exactly the best-kept secret out there, I will invisotext this next bit as it concerns the Winter Soldier’s identity an’ shit. (Highlight to read) So, Ol’ Winty is Cap’s thought-dead best pal Bucky Barnes (the one that fell off a speeding train in the first one?), brainwashed, mechanised and working for the Russians. I felt that there was so much going on, it didn’t really give the whole Steve/Bucky drama enough room to breathe. It felt a bit rushed to me and despite the long running time, I would have welcomed a few more scenes dealing with the whole thing.

“S.H.I.E.L.D. takes the world as it is, not as we’d like to be!”

So, The Winter Soldier is a damn good film and I’m so pleased to be able to say that. It’s a solid film that I think will only improve on repeated viewings. Bear in mind that there are not one, but two, post-credits scenes to look out for, so bring a catheter and a pissbag if you’re planning on downing your usual vat of soda like I usually do.

The Lego Movie

 
Everything is awesome!
 

The Lego Movie (2014)

The Lego Movie is one of those concepts that sounds ludicrously shitty and calculated. It takes a well-loved toy with no proper story or defined characters of its own, makes a feature-length adventure packed with celebrity voices and promotes and merchandises the crap out of it and all its other product lines. However, the buzz on it has been overwhelmingly positive. Like, this thing is getting Pixar level scores. So, when given the opportunity to catch a preview screening, I jumped at the chance. Y’know what? It’s exactly as great as people have been saying.

“Come with me if you want to not die.”

The Lego Movie focuses on average construction worker Emmet (voiced by Chris Pratt) who soon gets a break from his normal working life when he gets sucked in to a world of free creativity and prophecy when he stumbles across the fabled “Piece of Resistance”. He meets master builder Wyldstyle (Elizabeth Banks) and supposedly wise wizard Vetruvius (Morgan Freeman) and the trio, along with the help of Batman (Will Arnett) endevour to stop Lord Business (Will Ferrell) using a deadly weapon called the “Kragle” on all of Legodom. That may sound insanely generic, but as the name “Lord Business” may indicate, it’s actually more of a sideways look at genre conventions. It’s smart as anything, but never tips the balance into winking at the audience every 5 seconds. The main plot draws deliberate parallels with something like The Matrix and it really works. All of the cast are great. Chris Pratt is mostly known for playing a wide-eyed puppy dog of a man and uses that to great effect as Emmet, Elizabeth Banks has fun as Wyldstyle, Morgan Freeman is predictably brilliant and Will Arnett makes a fantastic Batman. Comedic TV greats like Nick Offerman, Charlie Day and Alison Brie do fantastic jobs and there’s an inspired bit of casting in the form of Channing Tatum and Jonah Hill as Superman and Green Lantern. Will Ferrell and Liam Neeson are genuinely funny too. All of the cast give the film an infectious sense of energy and it’s nigh-on impossible not to feel part of the fun.

If you’ve been on the internet for more than a few days, you’ll have likely seen a stop-motion Lego video parodying a big film or set to a comedy routine. The Lego Movie, whilst not strictly stop motion, has clearly taken influences from these and makes the characters look solid and played with, which gives the whole thing a certain charm. Elements, like water, fire and smoke are all made from Lego pieces and it’s hard not to laugh along with the film. Instead of being a tiresome plug for yet another one of the company’s licensed toy lines, it’s a genuine thrill when recognisable characters from franchises like Star Wars, TMNT, Lord of the Rings, The Simpsons and even Speed Racer show up for a quick cameo role. Sure, it is promoting the various figures at the end of the day, but it’s so well done, you won’t care in the slightest.

The whole film is a love letter to Lego, as one may expect. However, it’s an intelligent take on how people actually play with the bricks. Emmet lives in a world literally built on instructions. Everything is exact and normalised. Wyldstyle shows up and we are plunged into a world of unfettered creativity featuring weird and wonderful characters and places made out of mismatched pieces. Lord Business intends to make sure that everything in uniform, but our heroic rebels are fighting against him and the suppression of imagination. I’m genuinely surprised that writer/directors Phil Lord and Chris Miller were allowed to do something this clever without corporate bigwigs stepping in and insisting it be dumbed down for the kiddies. The third act is especially brave, but works beautifully.

It’s tempting not to say it, because of the crappy pun lurking within, but there are no other words for it. The Lego Movie is an incredibly well-constructed film. The storytelling is spot-on. This may not seem like a huge revelation, but you’d be surprised at the number of films (not just kids’ movies) that fall foul of basic storytelling. We get to know the characters, their motivations and their personalities. They feel like living, breathing people despite being made out of plastic. The film is even confident enough to have fun with several things. Morgan Freeman’s casting as a wise man who actually isn’t that wise is a masterstroke. Will Arnett’s Batman contains several jabs at how dark and joyless the representation of the character has become. It completely nails what it wants to do and it’s a joyful experience.

If you’ve ever played a Lego videogame like Lego Star Wars, you’ll know how charming and winning the humour can be. Luckily, the movie also has these things in spades. The film is fast and funny throughout its runtime. Whilst some of the dialogue and jokes fall a little flat to adult ears, the kids in my screening loved them. Even when the film isn’t being particularly amusing speech-wise, the screen is packed with visual gags to keep you smiling. Tell you what, by the end, my face hurt from smiling so much. This is exactly how kids’ films should be. I walked out thoroughly entertained. As I left the screening, I noticed that all parents and children alike had the same expression on their faces to match my own. That’s when you know you’ve just seen something special.

I can’t think of much wrong with the film. The only reason that it doesn’t get a full five stars is that I could have done with the spoken gags be just a little funnier. Don’t get me wrong, there are some cracking jokes contained within, it’s just that it doesn’t quite reach the level of the all time classics like the Pixar back catalogue or some of the Dreamworks oeuvre. I was left wanting a bit more time with some of the recognisable characters, but will admit that may have over-egged the pudding. Here’s hoping some Marvel minifigures show up in the sequel.

“Batman, could you make one of these in orange?”

“I only work in black. And sometimes, very, very dark grey.”

Having said that, I truly believe that this film is this generation’s Toy Story. Whilst not as groundbreaking in terms of technology, it’s got the same quality and heartfelt goodness oozing through its pores. This isn’t just a glorified advert, it’s a refreshingly great film that happens to use an existing product as its medium. It’s a reflection of our pop-culture driven society and goes much deeper than you’d expect, going so far as to examine the whole concept of creativity, individuality and play. It’s so good, it makes me angry that more kiddie films aren’t like it as it completely shows up the inherent laziness and cynicism of the normal child-centric offerings. I can’t imagine many people walking out of The Lego Movie disappointed, even after all the insane hype and the glowing reviews, including this one. It didn’t need to be this good, as the Lego name and the blanket advertising would have ensured a healthy box office return, but I’m very glad it is.

Riddick

 

Everyone’s a criddick
 

Riddick (2013)

Yeah, I know. There’s a bunch of “important” films out at the moment and I’m reviewing some lunkhead sci-fi thing from last year. Well, here’s the thing, I’m not exactly paid millions for this gig. In fact, I’m not paid at all, so going to see every film that has had award gold mentioned anywhere near it would be insanely costly. Plus, I’m probably one of the only people outside of Vin Diesel who actually likes the Riddick saga and wanted to see where it went next. So here is us, on the raggedy edge. Don’t push me and I won’t push you.

“Somewhere along the way, I lost a step. I got sloppy. Dulled my own edge. Maybe I went and did the worst crime of all. I got civilized.”

Betrayed by the Necromongers, Richard B. Riddick (Vin Diesel) is left for dead on a desert planet. After a while, Riddick forms an escape plan and finds a way to alert some bounty hunters to his location, all of them hoping to collect the big fat price on his head. The motley crews that show up include your standard violent mercenary types and a man with a personal beef to settle with Riddick. The basic film is solid, although clunkily adheres to the three act structure with audible crunches whenever the film changes gear. I’ll watch Vin Diesel in most things. He’s a fun watch and is notoriously geeky underneath all his dudebro cred. The rest of the cast are a mixed bag. None of them are particularly bad, it’s just that there’s not enough personality to go round and a lot of them fade into the background. Jordi Mollà pops up as Santana, a grizzled mercenary who likes big knives and non-consensual fun. Matt Nable plays Johns Snr. a man related to the Johns in the original Pitch Black. Katee Sackhoff is decent in the role of tough merc Dahl and Dave Bautista shows he’s got some presence to him outside of his hulking appearance and can surprisingly sell some comedic moments, making me anticipate his role in the upcoming Guardians of the Galaxy even more. Also Karl Urban shows up wearing way too much makeup.

Riddick is ludicrous, corny sci-fi, but that’s what the series has been since Chronicles of Riddick. It’s an ’80s throwback, full of over-the-top action and slow-motion leaps through the air. If you can’t get on board with that, then Riddick won’t be for you. Don’t go in expecting a modern, flawed character. Riddick is an invincible badass. This is a film series that has names like “Crematoria” for a burning planet, “Furyans” as a race of warrior people and mentions of an “Underverse”. We’re not talking about highbrow sci-fi here. Riddick has a CGI dog sidekick, for instance. It’s Mad Max, Aliens and a fuckton of other films thrown into a blender- and that’s no bad thing. The first half of the film is the best, showing Riddick surviving the planet’s various hostile wildlife in near silence, with only occasional bassy voiceovers to fill in the gaps. It proves that a) Riddick is a decent character and b) Vin Diesel is charismatic and fun enough in the role to carry of the Wall-E style opening. The second act is Riddick acting all mysterious, evading capture and picking off faceless mercenaries one by one. It’s not without its charms, but it falls flat after following the strangely brave first part.

The third act of film is basically an extended tribute to Pitch Black. Sequels are usually overreactions to the perceived flaws of the previous film, so Riddick bypasses Chronicles almost entirely and focuses on its franchise spawner. This would be fine, but the script is clunky as hell, so instead of having thematic links to the original, it’s pretty much the same film. Riddick’s chained up, it’s dark and wet outside and there are vicious aliens wanting to kill folk. It’s here that the wheels start to fall off. I’ve already seen Pitch Black, I don’t need to see it again with slightly better effects. It all builds to an ending that comes out of nowhere and makes no damn sense by any stretch of the imagination. It’s genuinely jarring and baffling. Characters just act in a contrived way just so we have a vaguely happy ending, ignoring any kind of motivation or personality they had up to that point. Director and writer David Twohy needs to have his wrists slapped for that one.

As is often the case with this sort of film, the main token female character is indicative of the film’s problems as a whole. I think Sackhoff does well considering, but there’s something really off about the writing when it comes to her and how others react to her. Dahl is a tough female merc who owes a lot to Aliens‘ Vasquez. As the only female, she has a gratuitous shower scene, has to fend off rape and is apparently a lesbian. However, Riddick thinks he can change that. Chained up, he growls about his intentions to kill a dude before saying he’ll be “balls deep” in Dahl by the end, after she asks him all “sweet-like”. This is meant to be badass, but falls extremely flat. I mean the notion that you can heterosex a lesbian straight is pretty fucking disgusting and having it appear in a 2013 film is just wrong. I know it’s a throwback flick, but that attitude reminds me of the Connery Bonds. Y’know, the era when he seduces the “immune” Pussy Galore and tells a native islander to fetch his shoes. The fact that this actually comes to pass is the worst thing. They could have done something subversive with it, but nope- she literally asks him all “sweet-like”. Goddamn. As I said, the ending is a bathtub of weaksauce, but that element to it is the most obnoxious.

“So what is the best way to a man’s heart?”

“Between the fourth and fifth rib. That’s where I usually go. I’ll put a twist at the end if I wanna make sure.”

So, apart from a poor show feminism-wise, Riddick is actually a decent watch. I enjoyed it for what it was. There have been a bunch of reviews calling it stupid and corny, but I think they’re missing the whole appeal of the series. I’ve got a soft spot for less than stellar sci-fi.To be honest, I’m actually looking forward to the teased sequel. If they keep the OTT violence and sci-fi sensibilities, we could be in for a fun ride. Let’s just work on the women this time round, eh?

Groundhog Day

It’s a doozy.

Groundhog Day (1993)

It’s February 2nd! I felt like reviewing something fitting and as there’s no film entitled Piss Wet Miserable Grey Existence as of yet, I settled on Groundhog Day. The film is an undeniable modern classic and has entered popular culture like some awesome simile I can’t think of right now. It’s also one of my favourite films (I know I seem to say this a lot, but it’s a long damn list, OK?). So what makes it so fucking special? Well, stow the attitude and the pottymouth and I’ll try to explain.

“I was in the Virgin Islands once. I met a girl. We ate lobster, drank piña coladas. At sunset, we made love like sea otters.*That* was a pretty good day. Why couldn’t I get *that* day over, and over, and over?”

Bill Murray plays Phil Connors, a TV weatherman assigned to cover the Groundhog festival in the small town of Punxsutawney, Pennsylvania. Along with new producer Rita (Andie MacDowell) and cameraman Larry (Chris Elliot) he begrudgingly travels to the town, where he finds that once the day is over, it restarts, leaving everyone but Phil completely oblivious to what has happened. Phil ends up stuck in a time loop, re-living the same day over and over and over with no end in sight. The concept is so famous, the term “groundhog day” has come to mean repeating the same things again and again. The whole film is basically a showcase for Bill Murray and he’s more than up for the task. It’s one of his all-time great roles, playing to his strengths but also giving him plenty to work with. He starts off in his comfort zone, in full sardonic mode but soon starts changing into a character you genuinely feel for, rather than just revelling in his cool jerkyness. I’ll get back to Andie MacDowell in a minute (ooh, ominous!). I think Chris Elliot is often overlooked as Larry, but the script allows him some nice moments and he does well with what he’s given. Stephen Tobolowsky also makes several scene-stealing appearances as Ned Ryerson, an insurance salesman who may be the most irritating man in the world.

It’s incredibly frustrating when a film has an awesome concept and doesn’t fully explore it or go anywhere fun with it. Groundhog Day is not one of those films. In fact, it’s the complete polar opposite. It takes its central conceit and runs with it, giving us a full gamut of interesting takes on what life would be like if we lived in a consequence-free world. The film is open to all sorts of interpretations, with theories ranging from religious allegory, a take on reincarnation and metaphysics, a metaphor for depression- all the way up to representing the five stages of grief. Crucially, the film never explains why Phil is living the same day repeatedly, which I think is a masterstroke. If the film would have been made today for modern dumbuses, there’d be a temptation to over-explain to avoid twats on the internet pointing out non-existent “plot holes” and they’d have cobbled together some bullshit “temporal loop ’cause of stuff” reason which would have hurt the film considerably. The point being is that despite this being a high-profile, decently budgeted big studio comedy back in the day, it inflamed the imagination. It made people ask themselves questions and think about some pretty out there existential stuff. Imagine that – a popular comedy that went deeper than yelling inappropriate things and broad-as-anything slapstick. Fuck.

I’m in love with the script for this film. The story is great and the dialogue is sharp and witty. It’s also structured incredibly well, the gag rate for the first half is fast and furious, but eventually winds down as Phil finds himself sinking into a detached depression, before picking up again as he focuses on self-improvement. It’s obviously more fun to watch Murray deadpan a few one-liners, break laws, con his way into a woman’s knickers and stuff cakes into his mouth with reckless abandon, but the slow evolution of the character is well-charted and subtly done. When sentiment and romance enter the fray it feels completely earned. The film isn’t afraid to explore some of the darker bits of humour either. Phil’s repeated suicides are blackly comic. The one scene I always remember is him coming down the stairs, dishevelled and not properly dressed, picking up a toaster and plodding back upstairs, getting in a full bath and dropping it in, not even bothering to remove the toast, and all whilst maintaining complete silence and a thousand-yard stare. It’s brilliant.

So, Andie MacDowell. I don’t want to come across as mean as I’m sure she’s lovely in person, but she is one of my only problems with the film. It’s not a necessarily a bad turn and it’s not even her worst performance, but there’s something incredibly flat about Rita. The character of Rita is completely integral to the story. She’s why Phil initially sinks into suicidal depression and then eventually the reason why he works on becoming a better person. She should be something really special. We need to fall in love with her too. On paper, it’s easy to see why Rita is interesting. Thanks to Phil’s repeated encounters and dates with her, we glean a lot about her life, her aspirations and her personality in general. She’s a fully realised character, but MacDowell just can’t sell it. There seems to be an emphasis on how quirky she is, initially to contrast with with Phil’s jaded disposition, but it just doesn’t work. Luckily, everything is so strong around her, it manages to make up for a lot.

“This is one time where television really fails to capture the true excitement of a large squirrel predicting the weather.”

Groundhog Day is a pitch-perfect comedy. It does practically everything right. It’s got a powerhouse performance by Murray and manages to broach big life questions and have a believable love story without being preachy or mawkish. Best thing about it is that it totally rewards repeat viewings too. It’s one of those films that I’ll put on if I’m in a shitty mood and find myself laughing all over again as well as feeling generally uplifted. Never has the phrase “timeless classic” been more appropriate.

The Wolf of Wall Street

 
Not much rhymes with “wolf”. PUN ABANDONED.

The Wolf of Wall Street (2014)

So- first proper review of this year. Well, sort of. This review is as prompt as it could be as it only properly came out yesterday, but American readers may be left wondering why this is so late. Well, here in the UK, we’ve been worn down and beaten to a point where we’re used to getting screwed over for no particular reason, so we had to wait a few arbitrary weeks until the film reels were suitably rainproofed and finally shipped over.

“My name is Jordan Belfort. The year I turned 26, I made 49 million dollars, which really pissed me off because it was three shy of a million a week.”

The Wolf of Wall Street is based on the life and subsequent book of stockbroker Jordan Belfort (Leonardo DiCaprio). After a false start on Wall Street itself, with Belfort having the misfortune of becoming a broker during a market crash, we see Jordan try again. Belfort starts applying big city thinking to unlisted “penny stocks”, gets rich and starts his own company. Soon he’s assembled a selling team of basic crooks, including new friend Donnie Azoff (Jonah Hill) and they slowly build up an empire. However. the company starts getting the attention of the FBI and Agent Patrick Denham (Kyle Chandler) in particular, who is intent on nailing Belfort and his shyster dealings. Okay, I realised it made it sound kind of standard, but it really isn’t. I’m underselling it. The Wolf of Wall Street is a tale of excess. Everything’s turned way up to the point where it actually becomes pretty exhausting. Money, sex, drugs, greed, corruption, addiction- these are all things that completely saturate the film. Jordan Belfort is a deeply unlikable man. He made his money, like many stockbrokers, by selling lies and half-truths to gullible people and conning them out of their savings.

DiCaprio is going to win that golden statue, I can just feel it. Jordan Belfort is not going to be the defining role for him, but he’s the latest in a long damn list of characters that Leo has completely owned. This is both his most over-the-top and nuanced performance so far. He’s dynamite and I won’t hear a bad word against him. Jonah Hill is also a strong contender for awards gold too. When I first saw him, sporting a ridiculous outfit and even more ridiculous false teeth, my heart sank, but he does an amazing job. I think he’s a really talented dramatic actor and deserves meatier roles like this one. Everyone’s good in this film. Belfort’s trophy wife Naomi (Margot Robbie) is fantastic. I can imagine a Skyler White type situation where stupid people hate her because she doesn’t buy into Belfort’s bullshit like they do, but it’s their loss. Matthew McConaughey turns up to corrupt a young Belfort straight out of the gate in a surreal lunch scene that ends up boiling down to chest thumping and humming along to a tune that probably doesn’t exist. Even though his appearance boils down to a McCameo, he makes a big impression. Same goes for the whole film. Every so often, another actor will enter the fray and adds their specific talents to the ensemble. Jean Dujardin shows up as a Swiss Banker! Hurray! The angry fella from The Walking Dead plays another muscled angry fella! Huzzah! Jon Favreau appears as a sleazy lawyer! Bonus! Rob Reiner plays Jordan’s Dad! Cripes! Joanna Lumley stars as a classy British aunt! Blimey! It’s a damn good cast.

So, OK. The big question hanging over all of this is: “Does this film glorify this scumbag’s lifestyle?”. There have been plenty of hand-wringing articles over this subject as well as news that in several screenings, bankers and Wall Street douchebags applauded scenes of debauchery and disgusting decadence. Well, the ultimate answer is YES (if you’re a fucking braindead moron). It’s a Scarface type of situation. How many times have you seen a poster of Tony Montana on some idiot’s wall? It’s a staple of student accommodation. I’m not saying liking Scarface is stupid, I’m saying that the appearance of Al Pacino’s mug on the back of their bedroom door is probably not the moral indictment of Montana’s greed and stupidity that the film is. People cling to the fact that Tony Montana managed to get the money, the drugs and the women he set out to get. They love the fact that he went out in an apparent blaze of glory. Same in this case. There are tons of superficial idiots out there who will see the vast amounts of money, women and drug-fuelled parties on display and aspire to Belfort’s lifestyle. The sad irony is that it’s a parody of that very attitude. As I said, everything is ramped up. Chest-beating masculinity, hyper-sexuality, insane greed, all of it. The film is basically a comedy, despite it containing some dark undercurrents. It’s laughing at Belfort and his crew. I’m sure you’ve heard of it by now, but there’s an insane physical comedy sequence where Belfort is off his head on banned sedatives, Quaaludes, which is one of the funniest things that I’ve seen in recent memory. It goes on for an incredibly long time and it’s played absolutely perfectly. The whole thing is practically a cartoon. That linked article earlier in the paragraph plays with the idea that Scorsese could have done more to make Belfort look like the villain. That’s dumb. We don’t need to see the results of people losing their savings, houses and livelihoods as the result of dickheads lying down the phone. The global recession was thanks to coked-up twats like Belfort playing with other peoples’ money like it was nothing. We’ve all fucking lived the consequences.

The film is certainly makes its position on the whole thing known. Spoiler alert: it doesn’t think Jordan’s a hero. There’s a bit early on where Jordan, fresh from his initial baptism of sleaze on Wall Street, lies his arse off about a shitty investment opportunity to some poor excited schmuck on speakerphone whilst the whole office giggles and high-fives each other. As he’s talking up the possible military applications of this new tech company Aerotyne we have a cutaway to a still of the company HQ which is basically a beaten up old shack in the middle of nowhere with a hand-painted sign.  You’ll laugh, but feel guilty for doing so.  My point is this- if you can watch that scene and not figure out that Belfort and his cohorts are the bad guys in all this, walk away. The film will do nothing for you. Screenwriter Terence Winter uses Belfort’s candidness and frequent pieces to camera to really make you hate the guy.  It’s not as if he was seduced into the business on the appearance that all is fine and dandy. He knows he’s bankrupting people to line his pockets, he knows it’s illegal as shit- he just couldn’t care less and actively enjoys it.

This whole story is in Scorsese’s wheelhouse. It’s Goodfellas but with a different morally bankrupt way to the top. Yeah, one could argue that he’s hardly stretching himself, but he’s Scorsese. He can do what he wants. The film is masterfully directed and the music choices are superb. The one criticism I had of it is that it felt too long.  After three hours of everything turned up to maximum, I felt like I’d been put through the wringer (although that may be the actual point). I felt the film was repeating itself at times with multiple scenes of parties and insane money spending, but that’s just me. All I know is that I was busting for a piss by the end of it.

“Let me tell you something. There’s no nobility in poverty. I’ve been a poor man, and I’ve been a rich man. And I choose rich every fucking time.”

I loved The Wolf of Wall Street. It’s films like this that remind me why I like films in the first place. Great cast, fantastic direction, brilliantly written- the list goes on. Like most sharp satires, it’s bound to be misunderstood by some. I suppose the basic message to it all is crime doesn’t pay. You just get incredibly rich, slip through the cracks in the legal system, stay rich and have one of the best living filmmakers direct the story of your life starring one of the best actors around, all of which will bolster your book sales. Yup, doesn’t pay in the slightest.

The Secret Life of Walter Mitty

 
Mitty-gating circumstances.

The Secret Life of Walter Mitty (2013)

It’s award season again, so instead of having an excuse to put a lovely new “2014” in the headings, I’m stuck with shitty old “2013”. Anyway, I went and caught Walter Mitty the other day, just so I could review a film still in cinemas. I don’t have anything else to say here. Call it unprofessional if you must, but I don’t get paid and answer to no-one, so therefore am not a professional. So suck it.

“To see the world, things dangerous to come to, to see behind walls, draw closer, to find each other, and to feel. That is the purpose of life.”

The Secret Life of Walter Mitty, shockingly enough, revolves around the eponymous Walter (Ben Stiller). Walt is a chronic daydreamer who comes to the realisation he’s done nothing with his life whilst creating an online dating profile to flirt with co-worker Cheryl (Kristen Wiig). He works in the photography department at Life Magazine, which is undergoing a shifting focus onto online content and a massive downsizing overseen by corporate douche Ted (Adam Scott). Mitty receives a package from famed photographer and globetrotter Sean O’Connell (Sean Penn) which is missing an important negative intended to be the cover for the final printed issue of the magazine. With his job in jeopardy, Walter decides to try and track down O’Connell to get the all-important photo. Stiller stars and directs and he does a bang-up job of both. As the lead, he’s great and way more understated than I thought him capable of. I’m so used to seeing him in cartoony over-the-top roles, it’s nice to see him take things down several hundred gears. Kristen Wiig is lovely in a role that despite some careful touches here and there still basically boils down to the prize to be won. Adam Scott gives us a severely unlikable suited exec to hate and does well with it. Whenever he was on screen, I was trying to remember who he reminded me of, but it finally clicked. He’s like Ellis from Die Hard. Same beard, same oily jokes, same punchability. Sean Penn is basically Sean Penn with a wig. Make of that what you will. Patton Oswalt shows up too and is nowhere near as funny or as likable as he is in other things, basically because his character is there for only one insidious reason. I’ll get to that in a minute.

Walter Mitty is aiming straight for the kind of audiences that like their films surreal and life-affirming. Think Garden State and others of its ilk.  It’s the kind of film with a guitar-strummy soundtrack and many shots of our main character staring into the middle distance. SLoWM often has Mitty daydreaming insane scenarios, ranging from saying what he really wants to say in a social situation to a super-powered street battle, similar to Family Guy’s overblown “Chicken Fight” scenes. They’re fun bits and extremely well done (although there’s a riff on Curious Case of Benjamin Button that clunks like a bitch). The film is about self-discovery and enjoying life whilst you can, which is what Walter does, vicariously living Sean O’Connell’s life whilst tracking him across different countries. It’s all beautifully shot and the soundtrack complements things nicely. It isn’t the deepest movie out there and doesn’t have anything to say about the human condition or anything like that. It’s more akin to a motivational poster hung on an office wall. You know those posters that have a picture of a mountain and some saccharine sentiment underneath about “never giving up” or similar? Yeah, that’s pretty much this film. That’s not to say it’s bad. There’s certainly a place for that. It just doesn’t do much for me.

The films looks fantastic. Stuart Dryburgh’s cinematography is top-notch stuff and features some achingly beautiful landscapes. The script however, is a bit clumsy for my tastes. There are some lovely ideas here, but they require a defter touch. So Mitty’s job at Life Magazine is threatened by a move to internet journalism. The film has a few things to say about this, the hard-working people it’s making redundant and where society’s headed with this attitude. Fair enough. Thing is, when you have a huge sign saying “Life Online” and shots of all the interesting furniture (and workers) being removed, it’s too much and the message is overpowered by how fucking obvious the film’s being. I understand that most people need stuff spelling out for them but you can get your point across with a light push here and there, without having to resort to using a neon sledgehammer. The film isn’t quite so heavy handed with other components. During Walter’s travels, we’re made to question whether or not what we’re seeing is real or whether it’s just an extended fantasy of his. That’s genuinely clever stuff. His backstory involving his dad dying and his relationship with his mother and sister are also played well. He genuinely feels like a guy that just shut down after he lost his father. It’s realistic and heartfelt.

Let’s take a minute to talk about product placement. Personally, I don’t mind it that much when it’s done unobtrusively. Best example I can think of is Bond swigging a Heineken in Skyfall. The film doesn’t linger on the bottle and there are no shots of Daniel Craig taking a sip and then looking at the bottle with an impressed expression. It’s just there. Corporate logos are part of daily life and we’re used to seeing them. I actually find it more distracting when someone drinks a generic “Cola” or a bottle simply labelled “Beer”. Done right, product placement can add some realism and validity to a character’s world. Anyway, back to my point. Walter Mitty is a corporate whore.

A lot has been made of the product placement in this film and I really tried to ignore it, but I couldn’t. This is shameless stuff. Walter starts making an eHARMONY® profile at the start and is called by Todd (Oswalt) from eHarmony® at various points during the film. The pizza chain PAPA JOHN’S® also makes an appearance, ending up being a major plot point. Life Magazine doesn’t really count as it did shut down, although it still exists in some form, although the workers genuinely believing in the corporate motto sticks in the craw slightly. Also Walter goes to CINNABON® and eats a pastry, being prompted to talk about how good it is. There are tons more too, these are just the main offenders. Fuck, this is the worst I’ve ever seen. Obnoxious product placement will now be referred to as “doing a Mitty“. My line between tolerable and intolerable product placement is when there are specific lines of dialogue talking about the product. All of the named products/services above all have positive lines of dialogue in the script.  Todd from eHarmony® talks about their “unique matching algorithm” and Walter says something like “Yeah, that’s why I like them.” I mean, Jesus. Have some goddamn dignity. The Transformers films weren’t this bad. The thing is, if this was Transformers, it wouldn’t matter so much because it’s a big, dumb, shiny advert of a film. In that particular case, they’re films based on TV show that was created for the sole purpose of selling toys. They’re like ultra adverts. Walter Mitty doesn’t have that excuse. Having all this “brand alignment” cheapens the overall sentiment of the film. If Walter’s finding himself and finally taking steps into livening up his life, why do we need garish logos accompanying it? It makes it very hard to buy into anything the film has to say because you can’t shake the feeling you’re being taken for a bit of a mug. You can argue that the film’s being ironic and making a point about big business, but I ain’t buying it. Money changed hands and script lines were changed to fit the sponsorship, I’m sure of it. Disgusting.

“Beautiful things don’t ask for attention.”

The Secret Life of Walter Mitty really isn’t bad. It has some good solid performances and is genuinely heart-warming at times. It has a nice story to tell and does it admirably. It’s basically like the John Lewis Bear & Hare Christmas advert- undeniably charming and enjoyable on its own terms, but at the end of the day is basically just interested in sucking your wallet dry.