Author: Ben Browne

22 Jump Street

 

Sun’s out, puns out
 
 

22 Jump Street (2014)

Comedy sequels are, on the whole, pretty terrible. Something about the “same but different” just doesn’t mesh well with comedy, as it boils down to repeating the same tired gags in the hopes of getting the same reaction. This film is going to be the shining example of how to do comedy sequels i.e. “Well, it’s no 22 Jump Street, but it’s not an Anchorman 2 level disaster either”.

“Remember me? I’m your best nightm… I’m your worst nightmare!”

After a botched arrest (sound familar?), we reteam with Jenko (Channing Tatum) and Schmidt (Jonah Hill) who are assigned the same basic job as before- to pose as students and go undercover, but this time at college and find whoever is selling a new synthetic drug called Work Hard Yes Play Hard Yes (WHYPHY), which enables the user to be laser focused for several hours and then party hard for several hours after that. Much like with the first one, the script is sharp and incredibly meta and self-referential. This is a sequel making fun of sequels without it being too knowing or smug. It’s found a way to make the “same but different” approach work and should really be commended for that. Beat for beat, it’s practically the same film as the first. However, it doesn’t feel like it. It’s fantastic being in the company of Hill and Tatum again. They work incredibly well together and this film has cemented them on my all-time favourite buddy cops list that includes Gibson/Glover, Smith/Lawrence and Pegg/Frost. Ice Cube again gives a scene-stealing performance as Captain Dickson and has a lot more to do this time round. Peter Stormare doesn’t really get to do much as the villain and Jillian Bell proves she’s the best deadpanner since Aubrey Plaza.  The supporting cast is really decent. Kurt’s son Wyatt Russell is fun as the meatheaded Zook and comedy greats like Patton Oswalt and Archer actor H. Jon Benjamin show up for limited roles. It’s nice to see Queen Latifah again too, playing Dickson’s wife. We don’t see much of her, but she does get given a sneaky “Straight Outta Compton” line before her screentime is up.

So, the main question: is it funny? Damn right it is. I chuckled throughout and there are some scenes that had me gasping for air. Most of the film revolves around the knowing joke of the first Jump Street operation being a surprise success. The film flips the roles so now it’s Jenko’s turn to fit in and rediscover a yearning to play American football. Jenko falls in with a bunch of dumb jock friends and Schmidt is left on the outskirts. It’s a clever way to incorporate a “will this work a second time?” theme without coming across as too knowing and clever-clever. Whilst Jonah Hill is the one with the comedy background, and does well as the straight man, it’s Tatum that really comes into his own. There’s one scene where Jenko comes to a realisation that is easily the funniest thing I’ve seen this year. The decision to give Ice Cube more of a role is also a sound one. His interactions with Schmidt at an awkward family meeting are genius. Put simply, there’s bound to be something that makes you laugh. There are big slapstick moments as well as subtler gags, such as Jenko, fresh from attending a Human Sexuality class, realising he’s used gay slurs in the past and may be a “homophone”. I’m not a huge fan of mere references, but the film also has a genuinely funny White House Down nod and a great Annie Hall parody going for it.

Actually, since we’re talking about it, of the very few negative reviews and articles about this film, they tend to be focusing on the “gay jokes”, especially the bromance elements between Schmidt and Jenko. I must admit, the film does bang that particular drum pretty consistently. However, I see it as a meta joke rather than just a “LOL gay!” cheap yuk. Maybe it’s because the film is smart in other areas. If anything, I see it as the film burying that particular trope, Cabin in the Woods style. Having said that, there was scene that was desperately unfunny in the form of Jenko and Schmidt visiting the imprisoned Mr. Walters (Rob Riggle) and Eric (Dave Franco). Something is really off in this scene. It’s tone deaf and contains the sort of weak shit I’d expect from a Seth MacFarlane film.

Apparently, Lord and Miller were so busy with Lego shenanigans that they didn’t have time to do any script revisions before filming this film. I would say it shows a little bit. Whilst the gag rate is high, it often feels like it’s needlessly repetitive at times, especially with Jillian Bell’s “old jokes” which become just that after the first few. It also feels like there are a few scenes missing, especially when it comes to Schmidt dating a student and the whole Spring Break finale, which I’d forgotten all about, despite it featuring heavily in the posters and trailers. I reckon another pass would have tightened these scenes right up and we could have been talking about an instant comedy classic. However, we’re talking about a very good film instead.

“He has one class in Human Sexuality, and now he’s Harvey Milk.”

I suppose secondary question is: is it as good as the first? In my opinion no, but it’s a very close run thing. I may need to rewatch it, as there were some jokes that passed me by in the first one that have become laugh out loud moments on a second go-around. It’s funny as hell and a hugely enjoyable experience. They make a lot of jokes about sequels in the film, but if they decide to do 23 Jump Street, I’ll be all for it, as long as they keep the same creative team. Hell, I’d watch all the way up to 2121 Jump Street if they did that.

21 Jump Street

 

“We’re reviving a cancelled undercover police program from the ’80s and revamping it for modern times. You see the guys in charge of this stuff lack creativity and are completely out of ideas, so all they do now is recycle shit from the past and expect us all not to notice.”
 

21 Jump Street (2012)

The whole concept of 21 Jump Street is unappealing. A slick big-budgeted comedy based on a vaguely well remembered ’80s TV series is just one of those ideas that makes you want to grab a sleazy greenlighting exec and shake them by their cocaine-dusted lapels. However, it’s so much better than it has any right to be and, at least in my opinion, is one of the funniest all-out comedies in recent years.

“You are here because you some Justin ‘Beaver’, Miley Cyrus lookin’ motherfuckers.”

After a botched arrest attempt, rookie cops Schmidt (Jonah Hill) and Jenko (Channing Tatum) are put onto a recently revived police program that takes young-looking officers and plants them in undercover roles in high schools. Jenko and Schmidt are tasked with finding and stopping the people responsible for flooding a local school with a dangerous, potentially lethal synthetic drug called Holy Fucking Shit (HFS). The script is smart. Much like many others aspects of the film, it takes something eye-rolling and generic and makes something great out of it. It takes the meta approach, nudging and winking along with the audience and it works. It knows how unappealing the premise of an ’80s reboot is and focuses on making the best of it. If more films did this, I’d find very little to complain about. It’s partly a parody of action film conventions, but doesn’t get hung up on references and tells its own story. It’s pretty much the American Hot Fuzz. Jonah Hill is on form, but it’s Channing Tatum who turns out to be the surprise MVP. The guy has on point comedic timing and can deadpan with the best of them. This film, coupled with Magic Mike, is the reason why I began to like Channing Tatum and refer to him as “Chan the Man”. Ice Cube is also surprisingly funny as the standard “angry black captain”, Captain Dickson. Brie Larson and Dave Franco are also welcome faces and both do well with what could have been limited supporting roles.

On the surface, 21 Jump Street looks like any number of other modern comedies. It’s got base, vulgar gags, it’s edited in a frenetic, stylish way etc, but it just proves that a good script can overcome most obstacles. I think the thing that sets it apart for me is the attention to character. A lot of comedies nowadays revolve around a prick being a prick to other pricks. Much like horror, comedy works better when you have an emotional reaction to the characters. Funnily enough, screenwriter Michael Bacall also wrote the abhorrent Project X, a theoretical “comedy” that encapsulates everything wrong with films of its ilk. I hated every single character in that film, which yes, is an emotional response, but there’s no payoff to it. There’s no knife-wielding maniac picking them off or anything. Even by the film’s own narrative, they have no comeuppance. We’re meant to like them and that very fact alone was enough to make me hate it. 21 Jump Street, on the other hand, knows that character is important in driving story. Let’s not get carried away here though, it’s not groundbreaking stuff, but it’s enough to draw you in that little bit closer.

It’s got the same crude humour as other contemporary films, but I found myself more willing to laugh at the knob gags because it had more to offer than simply that. It’s got some neat observations of how high school has changed since Jenko and Schmidt attended. There’s some clever role reversal as the nerdy Schmidt finds a niche with the new breed of popular kids and the former popular Jenko finds himself lumped in with the dweebs. Schmidt soon starts buying into his cover and starts treating the whole thing as a second shot for a less lonely and dismal experience. It’s smart stuff. It doesn’t feel like just a bunch of things happening for the sake of being funny. The duo of Jonah Hill and Channing Tatum is also a big part of why the film succeeds. It’s an oddball pairing but they play off each other well.

You know a film is doing something right when you genuinely laugh at the apparently obligatory “drug trip” sequence. This is just it- the entire film takes shit that is so played out and somehow makes it funny again. Phil Lord and Chris Miller are the absolute kings of this, as proved by the brilliant Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs and the awesome Lego Movie. It’s quite comforting to know that I’m capable of laughing at crude humour and that it was the modern bollocks featuring it that was at fault, not the other way around. I probably sound like a right snooty twat with that statement, but it can’t be just me sitting stony-faced through most contemporary comedies. I’m a pretty lowbrow guy, but something like A Million Ways to Die in the West makes me feel like I’m above coarse innuendo and the like. Not all the gags are winners. Don’t get me wrong, the joke hit rate is damn high, but Rob Riggle’s sports coach didn’t get many laughs from me. His humour is a little “standard” for my liking and found it strangely ill fitting. Still, the film wisely focuses on Hill and Tatum, so a mere minor niggle with Riggle.

“Chemistry’s the one with the shapes and shit, right?”

You’ll have noticed that I’ve spent quite a bit of this review talking about other films and not focusing on this one. Y’know- the hallmark of a terrible reviewer. The reason for this is that I can’t say much more about the film without just repeating jokes and funny scenes. I’ve watched 21 Jump Street a bunch of times now and it doesn’t lose its charm. It’s become a real favourite for just slapping on and enjoying whenever I feel cat-kickingly grumpy.

A Million Ways to Die in the West

 
A million sighs.
 

A Million Ways to Die in the West (2014)

The seemingly binary nature of the Internet pisses me off sometimes. If you want your voice heard on the Net, you either have to unconditionally love a thing or hate it from the very core of your being. People seek out opinions that agree with their own and it all becomes a massive, self-sustaining circlejerk. Having said that, I suppose there is a third category of people who are pussies and calling for a happy medium, one which I’m very aware I belong to in this instance. So, Seth MacFarlane. I don’t mind him. I think he’s a talented voice actor and singer. Family Guy is alright occasionally and I genuinely like American Dad. Ted was alright too. It didn’t make me laugh that much, but it worked in other ways. Anyway, I feel it necessary to qualify what I think of him, because this is his film. He stars, he co-wrote it and he directed it. I wouldn’t be surprised if the soundtrack is based on melodies originally whistled by MacFarlane. Also, it’s fucking terrible and I hate it from the very core of my being.

“Hey, dude, you really shouldn’t drink and horse.”

MacFarlane plays Albert Stark, a sheep farmer who hates living in the Old West. He’s dumped by his girlfriend Louise (Amanda Seyfried) in favour of the moustachioed Foy (Neil Patrick Harris) and is struggling to find something to live for. Enter Anna (Charlize Theron) a new arrival to the town with a secret connection to the deadly outlaw Clinch (Liam Neeson). After Albert foolishly challenges Foy to a duel, having never fired a gun before, Anna takes it upon herself to train Albert to give him a fighting chance and to win back Louise’s favour. Then words are said, nearly all of them unfunny. The basic premise is Albert going round and talking about how unsafe and horrible the West is. That’s the joke. It’s played out by the 10 minute mark and just keeps going. Albert is a know-it-all, almost omniscient character who seems to be the only one who realises the shitty time he lives in. MacFarlane is not a good leading man. He’s oddly stiff in the role. There’s one scene where Albert is incredibly drunk. MacFarlane can do a funny, slurred voice, but there was a disconnect between the on-point voice and his acting drunk. The cast around MacFarlane are great, just not really given anything funny to say. Charlize Theron is good, Liam Neeson is fun and Neil Patrick Harris is having a ball hamming it up as Foy.

A Million Ways to Die in the West suffers from a sledgehammer approach. For every vaguely funny gag, there’s a deluge of thudding, anti-hilarious jokes that don’t work. Sometimes, they’ll take something semi-amusing and then overdo it, either by repetition or overexplanation. Whilst not particularly funny, there’s one bit that outlined this for me. OK, so Ruth, Sarah Silverman’s prostitute character has had a booking for anal sex with a client, we cut to later in the evening and she and Giovanni Ribisi’s character are comforting Albert. Albert invites them to sit down on the porch. Ruth goes to, but then opts to stand. I’m sure you can figure out why. Didn’t make me laugh, but it’s an understandable, simple gag. However, the film doesn’t trust you with getting it and so after declining to sit, she says “I need to rest my asshole” or something to that effect. You see how that’s less funny? The film thinks you’re a total fucking moron and has to spell out everything. The entire film is like this. It’s terrified that Joe Pleb isn’t going to laugh at every single joke, so it feels the need to signpost and explain why a thing should be funny.

The script is stale and lazy as fuck. It’s as predictable as a metronome. Love triangle. Person A is helping Person B to get over Person C. B gets to a certain point and realises C isn’t for them and A was “the one” all along. Cue credits and barf. There’s also juvenile wish fufillment element to it. Albert is the classic “nice guy” and Louise has dumped him in favour of an rich asshole. Then the traffic-haltingly beautiful Anna defends Albert and falls in love with him. It’s not hard to see why people are calling this a MacFarlane ego trip.

It feels hastily assembled. In one scene, Albert takes some hallucinogenic drugs with an Indian tribe and goes on a mystic trip, supposedly showing him “the path”. However, before all that, Albert flashes back to his childhood and we see various scenes of him growing up. It really felt like they couldn’t fit these jokes anywhere else so they just bunged them into the vision sequence because drugs=funny, right guys?  MacFarlane’s magnum dopus Family Guy is like 90% pop culture references, and it feels like by choosing the Old West, MacFarlane’s distanced himself from his comedy crutch. That’s not to say the film is completely devoid of them, though. There’s a Back to the Future III reference in the form of Christopher Lloyd appearing as Doc Brown. Whilst it was great to see Lloyd as Doc, there’s no actual joke other than the “random” nature of it. Much like the anal sex joke, the film ruins what could have been a neat little reference (Doc hastily covers up the DeLorean and mutters something about it being a weather experiment) with a nail-on-the-head “Great Scott!” for no real reason. Also Ryan Reynolds is in it for 5 seconds and gets shot. This is apparently a joke.

“I’m not the hero. I’m the guy in the crowd making fun of the hero’s shirt; that’s who I am.”

What makes this all doubly annoying is that it’s shot and made extremely well. It looks like a legit Western and has some awesome shots of Monument Valley. It’s a slick production, which makes it a massive shame that the script is toss on a biscuit. It makes it harder to give the film the one star rating it deserves, but fuck it. I’m sure they were well paid for their work and weren’t paid much less than MacFarlane with his three paycheques as an actor, writer and director (cough). Fuck this film.

Robocop (2014)

 

“Bitches, leave!”
 

Robocop (2014)

What is the point in remaking something like Robocop? Well. money, brand recognition and money. However, for a moment let’s pretend art is the driving force behind filmmaking. The first film is terrific. It’s a sharp satire filled with ultra-violence and sleaze. It works perfectly at what it set out to do. It’s not broken, so there’s no need to fix it. Steven Soderbergh said something about this in his “State of Cinema” speech: “They get simple things wrong sometimes, like remakes. I mean, why are you always remaking the famous movies? Why aren’t you looking back into your catalog and finding some sort of programmer that was made 50 years ago that has a really good idea in it, that if you put some fresh talent on it, it could be really great? Of course, in order to do that you need to have someone at the studio that actually knows those movies.”  Having said that, if done correctly, it could almost justify its own existence by keeping the satirical edge. A lot of the themes and targets in the original are just as, if not more, relevant today. The pervasion of the media, massive immoral corporations, consumer culture etc haven’t gone away and have been amplified beyond Robocop ’87’s wildest dreams. What I’m trying to express is that when it came to this film, I was torn, cold and shamed, lying naked on the floor. After seeing it, I’m still torn, but in a different way. Also fully clothed.

“This, my friends, is the future of American justice. How many like Thomas King will pay for their crimes now that RoboCop is here? Yes, let’s not shy away from what this means, people. Men weren’t up to the task. But Alex Murphy, a robot cop, was.”

2028. Detective Alex Murphy (Joel Kinnaman) is grievously injured by a car bomb. Murphy unwittingly becomes the prime candidate for huge conglomerate Omnicorp’s new marketing push to humanise its line of robots and drones, masterminded by CEO Raymond Sellars (Michael Keaton). Sellars uses scientist and robotics expert Dr. Dennett Norton (Gary Oldman) to give Murphy a new robotic body and represent the future of law enforcement. As you may imagine, things don’t go exactly to plan. Robocop 2K14 takes an interesting inverse angle on the standard Robocop fare. In the ’87 one, it’s all about Murphy remembering he’s human. In this one, Murphy knows who he is from the off and the film instead focuses on the notion of free will, humanity and blah blah blah. It’s a smart idea and certainly the kind of fresh spin that modern by-the-numbers remakes severely lack. However, the satire is dropped almost entirely, which is a shame. Big business and the news are very much presences, but the film seems to be giving passive commentary, rather than taking it somewhere interesting. For instance, it’s revealed Omnicorp have been buying political influence. That’s it. That shit is happening right now. It doesn’t feel particularly necessary to even comment on stuff like that.

The cast are a mixed bag. Joel Kinnaman is damn near robotic before he gets put into the shiny suit. He’s pretty monotonous and is always the worst actor in a scene. To be fair to him, there is stiff competition and the part isn’t particularly well written or defined. There was one bit early on with the brilliant Michael K. Williams and it just highlighted the gulf between the two. Michael Keaton is fun as a smarmy, morally bankrupt Steve Jobs-esque CEO, Jay Baruchel pops up as a slimy exec and Jackie Earle Haley is enjoyable as Mattox. Abbie Cornish is given the thankless task of being “the wife character” and spends 90% of the film crying. I hate to say it, but I think Samuel L. Jackson is miscast here. He plays Pat Novak,  a kind of Bill O’Reilly/Fox News style anchor and something about it doesn’t work. Perhaps it’s because the character seems downright plausible. His impassioned “mah guns an’ libertees” rhetoric could easily slot in with some of Glenn Beck’s psychotic rants. Again, commentary rather than satire. Anyway, Gary Oldman saves it. Whereas I didn’t give a shit about most of the characters, I cared about Dr. Norton. His scenes with various patients including Murphy are legitimately decent. One of the best scenes in the film is when Dr. Norton is encouraging somebody to use their new robotic hands to play the guitar. Norton is so genuinely moved by the whole thing and it’s hard not to warm to him. The CGI used to show the hands playing the guitar was also top notch stuff. The film has quite a few little bits here and there like this where it feels like a surreal art film for a moment and it’s great.

This Robocop is frustrating because there are elements and ideas played with that are really good. The first 10 minutes of the film is decently done, doing some solid world building, but it just kind of falls apart after that. It’s kind of meta at times too, with Sellars changing Robocop from silver to tactical black purely for marketing reasons. There are interesting ideas when it comes to Murphy becoming Robocop, being in control until a combat situation arises where an automatic combat system will take over, but do it in such a way that Murphy believes it to be his idea and that he’s in control. That’s a nice, thick vein of gooey sci-fi drama, but it has a few goes at it and then is just done with it, dropping it in favour of more frustratingly threadless plotlines.

Making this film a PG-13 was just as bad as people feared it would be, but for unforeseen reasons. The film seems schizophrenic. I really got the sense that there were a lot of late rewrites to make sure it got the golden rating. For one, Robocop has a taser gun for most of the runtime. It’s odd because some of the people Murphy stuns are then talked about by characters like they’re dead. It smacks of a desperate script job. There’s one scene where Murphy stands on a crook’s hand, grinding it into broken glass which, as it appears in the film, seems really out of character. This is only hypothesis but I reckon there was a lot darker version of Murphy/Robocop originally written and the glass/hand scene is a holdover from that. I reckon Robocop was going to be an R-rated beast until they saw Dredd, featuring the similar character of Judge Dredd, bombing a hole through the bottom of the box office. Suddenly, the only way they can continue working is to maximise the demographic and cut out huge hunks of the script so as to not piss off the MPAA.  It would explain why the film seems to be working a dark revenge angle but never really commits and feels toothless, not just in terms of violence, but in terms of themes as well. It’s really telling in the action which is by far the least interesting part of the movie. It’s just CGI blah, mostly featuring Murphy killing robots, not squishy, blood-filled people. Remember the iconic ED-209 from the original? The one that completely obliterates a businessman and falls down stairs? Yeah, one scene has four of them, devoid of any endearing stop-motion jankiness. That should tell you all you need to know. There is one OK action scene which takes a leaf from Equilibrium and features a gunfight solely lit by muzzle flashes. It’s decent, but then the film has to show us Robocop’s thermal vision as well. There are so many frenetic cuts here that I recoiled and had to look at something else for a few moments. Either one would have been cool, but both together create an effect similar to running a razor blade directly up and down your optic nerves.

“In his everyday life, man rules over the machine. Alex makes his own decisions. Now, when he engages in battle, the visor comes down and the software takes over. Then the machine does everything. Alex is a passenger, just along for the ride.”

So, Robocop 2014. It’s OK. I didn’t hate it as much as I expected to, but unfortunately it just falls into the “frustratingly almost great” pile of films, which is becoming worryingly common.  It’s smarter than I was expecting, but the script rarely follows through. You could do a lot worse, but if you’re looking for some robot cop action, stick to the original, it’s still wicked sharp and features a melting man being turned into slush by a car driven by Red Forman from That ’70s Show.

Edge of Tomorrow

 

Groundhogs of War

Edge of Tomorrow (2014)

I like Tom Cruise. I barely hear a positive word about him when talking to people and it’s unfair. The guy’s a decent actor and always brings a certain passion to his roles. His recent output has been solid too, with Oblivion being a cracker of a sci-fi and one of my favourite films of last year. Plus, Emily Blunt.  Anyway, just explaining why I was chomping at the bit to see Edge of Tomorrow.

“What I am about to tell you sounds crazy- but you have to listen to me. Your very lives depend on it. You see, this isn’t the first time. “

Edge of Tomorrow takes place in the near future. Humanity is at war with fast, deadly and tentacle-y aliens known as Mimics. Cruise plays Major William Cage, a military P.R. guy used to appear on various news outlets talking up the war and the allies’ need for new recruits. Cage is called in by General Brigham (Brendan Gleeson) and it soon transpires he’s being whisked away from comfy greenrooms and plonked straight on the front line. After trying to Blackadder his way out of danger, Cage unwisely tries to blackmail Brigham, ensuring his place with the grunts. Predictably, it all goes a bit D-Day landings and carnage ensues. However, during the hellish battle something happens which causes the day to reset, with only Cage aware of the change. He soon learns he’ll have to seek out badass and military posterwoman Rita Vrataski (Emily Blunt) aka “Full Metal Bitch” to try and make sense of his temporal troubles and possibly a way to finally end the war.

So yeah, it’s basically Groundhog Day with a dash of Aliens. This is in no way a bad thing though. It has its own identity and crucially, knows what made both those films work beyond the superficial. Edge of Tomorrow knows this and spends a lot of time focusing on the evolving relationships between Cage and everyone else. Cruise is on form here. Cage is a smarmy coward and having him thrown headfirst into a terrifying combat situation with fuck-all training is great. I haven’t seen Cruise play a vulnerable character for a long time and it’s fantastic to see here. Emily Blunt is predictably great, being one of the most reliably decent actors around. Rita isn’t the cliched female arse-kicker character usually trotted out in misguided attempts at avoiding cries of sexism. She’s legit. I wouldn’t be surprised to see her get more action roles after this. Perhaps they could remake Domino with her instead of Keira Knightley. Also Brendan Gleeson is awesome. Take that as read for any film I review with him in it. Despite the competition from the aforementioned people and the game Bill Paxton, this is definitely Cruise’s film and, in my opinion at least, he goddamn nails it.

Edge of Tomorrow may just be the best video game film ever. Unfortunately, there is no Edge of Tomorrow game (what the fuck stopped them? The premise is crying out for a tie-in) but it takes the same kind of mechanic and runs with it. It reminded me of the punishing trial-and-error Dark Souls, where you often find yourself getting brutally killed only to respawn humbled, slightly wiser and ready to try a new strategy that doesn’t involve being run through by a massive broadsword. Same thing here. We see Cage slowly learning events and enemy patterns and it’s genuinely fun stuff. Cage’s transformation from quaking piss puddle to genocide distributor is extremely well done, with some legitimately funny moments. The script actually seems to be quite subversive, probably thanks to Christopher McQuarrie who likes to tweak conventions and remix tropes, such as in the hugely underrated The Way of the Gun. William Cage, at least initially, is practically a send-up of the standard Cruise role. Plus, I consider this Doug Liman’s redemption for the fucking terrible Jumper. This is the smart director who kicked off the Bourne franchise. I’ve missed him.

So, the Groundhog Day thing. Like with last year’s Oblivion, I’ve heard several cries of unoriginality. OK, the basic gimmick’s similar but you can’t just rip-off the “time-repeating” schtick and hope it has the same impact. Director Doug Liman and McQuarrie know this and preserve exactly what made it work in Groundhog Day. They take full advantage of the premise. There is insane dramatic potential in having only one character aware of time looping, something which bypassed the “creative” team behind 50 First Dates. We see a one-sided relationship being built. The brunt of this falls on Cruise and he carries it admirable. I honestly think some non-Cruise fans may be won round. If not, you will get the pleasure of seeing Cruise die over and over again. Talk about your win-win situations. HAHA I BET I AM THE FIRST TO MAKE THAT JOKE.

“Come find me when you wake up!”

So yeah, Edge of Tomorrow. Good stuff. It’s a smart sci-fi with heart and humour with a surprisingly subversive turn from Tom Cruise. Highly recommended.

X-Men: Days of Future Past

 

Singer of praises

X-Men: Days of Future Past (2014)

I’ve been looking forward to this one for a while. I loved First Class and whilst The Wolverine had its charms, it’s been many long years since we’ve had a “proper” X-Men film. I was cautiously optimistic, but the whole “team-up” aspect of it, meshing the old cast with the younger versions of themselves had me worried that the only reason it was being made was a knee-jerk reaction to The Avengers and Marvel Studios’ universe building, with Fox desperate to put out their own branded version of a Marvel universe to grab several slices of the ridiculous money pie that’s rapidly cooling.

“The future: a bleak desolate, place. Mutants and the humans who helped them, united in defeat by an enemy we could not stop. Is this the fate we have set for ourselves? Could we have done nothing to stop it?”

The Future. Giant, nigh-on unstoppable robots called Sentinels, specifically designed to eradicate mutants, roam the Earth and have brought on an apocalypse, full of ash, rubble and rapidly declining pockets of survivors. Tracing the devastation back to a single moment in the 1970’s involving the assassination of Sentinel inventor, Bolivar Trask (Peter Dinklage) by blue shape-shifter Mystique (Jennifer Lawrence), the current remnants of the X-Men, including Kitty Pryde (Ellen Page) engineer a way to send a mutant’s consciousness back in time and the ageless Wolverine (Hugh Jackman) is the perfect candidate. Logan’s troubles don’t just extend to preventing a murder, however, as whilst their present selves (Patrick Stewart and Ian McKellen) have put aside their differences, ’70s Prof. X and Magento (James McAvoy and Michael Fassbender) are at loggerheads, meaning Logan will have to convince them to sing from the same hymn book as well.

So, the cast. They’re all brilliant. It’s a genuine thrill to see old and new faces thrown into the mix together.Both versions of Prof. X and Magneto are a joy to watch. DoFP can have its cake and eat it, cutting from the future versions talking to each other with mutual respect and Shakespearian gravitas to the young, angry versions, played fantastically by McAvoy and Fassbender. McAvoy gets a special shoutout as he gives a great performance as a jaded junkie Xavier, complete with a thousand yard stare and addiction to painkillers. Hugh Jackman is always fun to watch as Wolverine and nailed it fucking yonks ago, but still manages to be just as entertaining as he always was. Jennifer Lawrence also gives a nicely nuanced turn as Mystique. Of the new blood, Peter Dinklage is great as Trask and the new mutants are a blast, especially Evan Peters’ Quicksilver. Fans of the series like myself will be delighted with the various character cameos and references.

I’m so glad this didn’t turn out to be the clusterfuck it could have so easily been. When I sat down and the classic X-Men theme started playing, I smiled. I realised that I’d genuinely missed the franchise and was struck by a sudden need for the film to be awesome. Luckily, it is. It’s a well balanced film with just the right amounts of humour, action, suspense and all that good shit. It’s basically a First Class sequel with the “classic” cast serving as a framing device. It just works. Part of the reason for this is Bryan Singer’s direction. The guy gets characters and narrative arcs. All of his films have shown a great understanding of the basics and an insane amount of talent and skill when it comes to throwing it up on a big screen. Thankfully, he’s on form here and keeps the pace quick, but not at the expense of quieter moments. The script is also solid as hell, with the normally shitty Simon Kinberg doing his best work since ever. The story actually has weight and stakes to it. The finale, cutting between the future and past is one of the most exciting things I’ve seen this year. Funnily enough, the film is fairly light on action, but when it hits, it hits solidly. The best sequence in the film by far is a bit at the Pentagon where the super-fast and funny Quicksilver really comes into his own.

My only real problems with the film are more niggles than anything else. My major qualm is with the decision to basically make the film another Wolverine-centric story. Singer does his best to juggle focus, but at its heart it’s still episode #7353 of The Wolverine Show. All of the X-Men films so far have been Wolverine stories, with the exception of First Class, which still includes a small cameo by the Clawed One. I like the character and Jackman, but one of my favourite things about the X-Men is how diverse they are. There are any number of characters that could carry the main narrative successfully. The original comic is told from Kitty Pryde’s point of view and I could see that working. My other problem is with a minor plot point. I’m not a big “movie logic” guy and inevitably problematic time travel stuff didn’t bother me. So, the Sentinels are basically unstoppable thanks to adaptive technology, being able to use a mutant’s weakness against them. So, for instance, one ends up using fire powers against Iceman (Shawn Ashmore). They’re like the ultimate Pokemon. However, the film tells us they got these powers thanks to Mystique. Thing is, she only shapeshifts. She doesn’t gain any powers by turning into someone. Series regular Rogue has that power- surely she would be more fitting? Fuck- there was even that Darwin guy in First Class who could do exactly that. Why not him? My guess is is that they needed to give Lawrence a meatier part,with her having become a megastar inbetween First Class and this one. Funny, as the same thing happened with Halle Berry between the first and second films of the X trilogy.

“All those years wasted fighting each other, Charles.”

Days of Future Past is one of the most satisfying films I’ve seen in a while. It just does everything it needs to with wit, intelligence and style. It’s a fantastic blockbuster that doesn’t forget to tell a good story in amongst the big action setpieces and CGI- something which I’m still incredulous is a real issue in this day and age. It’s also a bold step into the future of the franchise, with various happenings in the film rendering events and entire previous films uncanonical. If the quality is maintained, I’m unbelievably excited about the both the sequel, Age of Apocalypse, and their wider plans for a franchise spanning universe.. It’s going to be a long two years.

Godzilla

 
Waiting for Godzilla
 

Godzilla (2014)

I think we can add Godzilla 2K14 to the ever-growing list of “films with misleading trailers”. The theatrical trailer seems to advertise a sombre remake of 1954’s original, starring Bryan Cranston and complete with nuclear horror catharsis and dark tone. However, the film I just saw is a modern version of the later ‘Zilla films where he’s humanity’s protector against a bigger threat, complete with a slightly goofier tone and starring that guy from Kick-Ass. This is not a bad thing by any stretch, I just feel kinda lied to. Still, it is what it is and I have various things to say about it.

“The arrogance of men is thinking nature is in their control and not the other way around. Let them fight.”

Fifteen years after an ‘incident’ at a Japanese nuclear power plant that claimed a number of lives, including his wife’s, physicist Joe Brody (Bryan Cranston) joins forces with his soldier son Ford (Aaron Taylor-Johnson) to uncover what really happened that day, determined that the government’s “earthquake” explanation is covering up something a lot bigger. The pair are soon embroiled in a tale of secrets upon secrets that could ultimately mean the dethroning of humans as the dominant species on the planet. Also Godzilla (playing himself) is in it.

Internet reaction has been divided on this one because, well, it’s the internet. I’ve seen it hailed as the new Jurassic Park and shat on as the new Phantom Menace. One particular hot topic for both camps is the fact that Godzilla doesn’t show up until a good hour into the film. Personally, I have no problem with it. I’m all about the slow burn and teasing reveals. The film feels like it’s deliberately fucking with you at times, by denying us an epic monster brawl at least twice. There’s one scene in particular where Godzilla squares off against a MUTO (Massive Unidentified Terrestrial Organism), in amongst an airport on fire. It’s an amazing bit and every single sign is pointing to monster carnage. However instead of getting the smackdown we want, we then cut to a live broadcast of the fight being watched by Ford’s son at home, managing to only catch a few glimpses of them going toe-to-toe. The audible reaction this got in the screening was genuinely funny. I was frustrated too, but told myself it would pay off. It’s in sharp contrast to the ADD filmmaking we’re normally stuck with and I respect it for that.  In my review of it, I called The Raid 2 a cocktease, but Godzilla makes Raid 2 look like the school slut. Director Gareth Edwards is wearing his Spielberg influence on his sleeve and pulling the same trick both Jaws and Jurassic Park did. In one way, it works as intended, but in another way it highlights what’s wrong with the film.

The human characters are fucking boring. Only Cran the Man is really noteworthy here, doing some stellar work and making his conspiracy nut character relatable and sympathetic. Being the only character I liked, naturally the film’s done with him fairly early on and we’re lumped with Ford Brody, the most generic whitebread character imaginable. His motivation is to get back to his family, a driving force that has only been used in a fucktillion other disaster movies. I wouldn’t mind so much, but Aaron Taylor-Johnson is completely flat. The usually excellent Elizabeth Olsen is relegated to “underwritten wife character waiting for the big strong man to sort things out” and it’s dumb. Ken Watanabe’s character seems to be the one saddled with the respectful empath to Godzilla role, with no real explanation as to why he knows these things about the creature. Spielberg got away with the teasing the big reveal stuff because we cared about the characters. Here, the wait feels doubly long because there’s no emotional connection to the leads. I didn’t give a fuck about Ford Brody and that’s really a shame. I get that Godzilla films aren’t about the humans, but they could have given us something more compelling than this.

When we do finally get the hyped monster action it’s fantastic. The scale and scope of everything is perfect. You’re really made aware that these are gargantuan creatures. I don’t know how it’s been managed, but the CGI heavy fights have a real old-school charm to them and almost have man-in-a-suit physics, especially when they fall into buildings. Some of the shots are truly awe-inspiring and reminded me just why I love films in the first place. There are several moments that had me wanting to leap up from my chair and applaud. The joyous laughter when Godzilla did this cool thing or for that little moment was infectious. I can’t see many people having a problem with Zilla this time round. He looks awesome and he’s got some personality to him. There’s even a bit where it’s clear he’s frustrated and it’s genuinely endearing. The HALO jump featured heavily in the marketing is also jaw-dropping. Thanks to all the teasing, the finale feels like a proper finale, not just a longer version of what’s come before. It earned its ending and the final 20 minutes or so are the best.

The script is the problem. It’s a stitched together patchwork with conflicting voices and ideas. It has no real clue how humans actually talk and coasts along with Nolan/Goyeresque functional dialogue that has artificial gravitas and meaning.  There are some interesting concepts, such as the origin of the MUTOs and the notion that all the nuclear testing in the Pacific back in the ’50s wasn’t exactly to test, but rather an attempt to kill something. This is one of the only times where I’ve felt the director was trying to add his own flair to proceedings and was shackled by the shoddy writing. There’s a moment which reminded me of Monsters, Edwards’ previous film, and I asked myself why Godzilla didn’t have the same charm to it. Monsters wasn’t about the creatures, it was about the people. It’s a shame Godzilla didn’t sing from the same hymn book.

“You’re not fooling anybody when you say that what happened was a ‘natural disaster’. You’re lying! It was not an earthquake, it wasn’t a typhoon! Because what’s really happening is that you’re hiding something out there! And it is going to send us back to the Stone Age! God help us all.”

Godzilla isn’t bad. It’s just strangely lopsided. I found it to be somewhat of a disappointment. I wanted to love this film. I was all ready to carve its name on my chest, but alas. The monster stuff is awesome in the purest sense of the word and there are some decent bits scattered through to keep you bumping along, but you’re well within your rights to give up after the first hour when it becomes clear it’s just a holding pattern featuring some boring twats.

The Raid 2

 

My wife went to Indonesia last year.
Jakarta?
Nah, she went by plane.
 

The Raid 2 (2014)

How do you solve a problem like Maria a Raid sequel? It’s a tough one. The first one was basically a feature length action sequence with little story bits inserted to keep the whole thing from being utterly exhausting. How do you raise the stakes for a sequel? A taller building for Rama to scale? More bad dudes to fight through? Bad idea. Thankfully, The Raid 2 (subtitled “Berandal” in some places) knows just how- sweep the board clear and start playing a whole new game with different rules.

“You apologise! In their language, in our land! Where is your honour?”

So, after Rama (Iko Uwais) beat the shit out of an entire council estate’s worth of people, he’s recruited by Banuwar (Cok Simbara), the head of a secretive anti-corruption task force with a view to take down crooked cops and go after the gangsters bankrolling them. After initially declining his offer, Rama ends up with a personal stake in taking down Bejo (Alex Abbad) a gangster with great ambitions of climbing the crime ladder. Rama must go undercover to get close to the imprisoned son of mob boss Bangun (Tio Pakusadewo) and start bringing it down from the inside. Instead of delivering the same old flat story, The Raid 2 is a sprawling crime epic. It clocks in at significantly longer than its predecessor by about 40 minutes and you get the feeling it genuinely needs that extra elbow room to do justice to the narrative. As there’s more of a story focus this time round, the film’s in need of some proper performances and meets this admirably. Iko Uwais is just as fun to watch as he was in the first film and shows he’s no slouch when it comes to acting either. All the cast are impressive. Show stealer though is definitely Arifin Putra as Bangun’s son, Uco. He’s a petulant little shit with some serious issues barely contained under the surface and I loved every single minute he was on screen. Also worthy of a mention is the barely recognisable Yayan Ruhian (Mad Dog from the first ‘un) as Prakoso, a sort of tramp hitman (trashsassin?) with a penchant for machetes.

The Raid 2 is a bit of a cocktease. Let me qualify that before we get into some areas that may be off topic and distasteful. It knows you bought a ticket for the limb-snapping, flesh-slicing, face-punching action, but it’s in no hurry to get there. You know it’ll give you the business eventually, but it wants to make you squirm for a bit first. We get drip-fed a few bits of violence here and there, but it’s mostly concerned with world building and setting up motivations. This is how it should be. The pacing is just right. It knows when your attention may be starting to dwindle and will then hit you with something awesome. It builds tension incredibly well. By the time some action does kick off, it feels earned and organic. Christ, do you know how refreshing it is to not roll your eyes at Obligatory Action Sequence #73ba getting under way a mere few minutes after the last one for fear of losing the ADD crowd?

The action, hoo boy, the action. I genuinely had no idea how they were going to try and top the last film. More baddies? Nastier weapons? Lasers? Luckily, Evans, Uwais and the creative team are a lot smarter and more imaginative than I am. Whilst my first two predictions were kind of true, they’re implemented in a way that doesn’t seem like needless one-upmanship of what’s come before. There’s some great gunplay on display and there’s a car chase which I genuinely think is the finest car chase I’ve ever seen. Not content with following Rama around, the film also gives us three colourful mini-bosses in the forms of a man only known as “The Assassin” who favours some terrifyingly sharp curved daggers when it comes to wetwork and the brother and sister team of “Hammer Girl” and “Baseball Bat Man” whose chosen weapons should be pretty evident. Some of the shit these people get up to is nothing short of jaw-dropping. Much like the first film, you’ll be laughing and wincing in equal measures.

I suppose my one criticism of The Raid 2 is the fact the the scope is so much bigger, humble ol’ Rama gets lost in the mix occasionally. The film is still undoubtedly his, but his story is a lot stronger this time round and as such you miss him when the film is busy showing us what the three assassins or the various crime bosses are up to. The film gives the relatively incidential Prakoso a whole sympathetic backstory but then doesn’t really do anything with it. To my mind, there are two possible reasons for this slight lack of focus. One, it could be that I was just used to spending time with Rama after the first film had a heavy emphasis on him. Secondly, the Berandal script was written way before The Raid, but deemed too expensive and ambitious at the time and so was shelved until recently where it was dusted off and reworked into a Raid sequel. Still, only a minor niggle and definitely not a film breaking issue.

“It will be a few months. You can’t know where I am and I can’t be seen anywhere near you.”

So yeah, The Raid 2 is awesome. Gareth Evans is my favourite action director right now. Everything has been amped up in this sequel and frankly there’s not much that can touch it in my not-at-all humble, bordering on arrogant, opinion. Roll on The Raid 3.

The Raid

 

Uwais look on the bright side of life.

The Raid (2011)

 

It can’t be just me that’s noticed a severe lack of modern chop-socky action of late. It just can’t. What’s happened? Tony Jaa in Ong-Bak is the last significant martial arts sensation I can think of- and he unfortunately drove that series into the ground, making a third film so shitty that he joined a monastery and became a monk for several years. Seriously – look it up. Anyway, whilst I don’t think The Raid‘s Iko Uwais will become a household name, him and his franchise are doing a lot to fill that violent urge within us all to see badasses punch and kick people in the throat.

“*Punch sound*”

So, the plot. Iko Uwais plays Rama, a rookie cop is sent as part of a SWAT team to clear out a towerblock in Jakarta’s slums, run by crime lord Tama Riyadi (Ray Sahetapy) and take the big bad down.  Trouble is, there are 30 odd floors of bad dudes between the gun pigs and Tama and the residents inbetween aren’t fans of bacon. Unable to leave, the cops have to fight their way to the top. Cue bloody mayhem. The Raid is as stripped down as you can get. It has the very basics of a story in place, but you’re not going to get anything particularly well-written or anything willing to step outside of various action clichés. Whilst the story isn’t worth writing home about, that’s not to say it’s to be dismissed completely. It’s pretty efficient at setting up who is who and what their motivations are, a feat to be commended in an age where there are blockbusters films being released that can’t manage that in their total runtimes. There are some nice moments here and there and it’s certainly not bad. The plot is totally not the point though. It’s a framework on which to hang oodles of hyper-violence. It’s very much like a video game and that’s not a negative thing. Iko Uwais is such a find for Gareth Evans. The man not only kicks an unholy amount of arse, but he’s a decent actor too. I really like Joe Taslim as the gruff Jaka and especially love the unhinged Mad Dog, played by Yayan Ruhian.

Before I get into the boring bit of describing the fighting, let me say a few things. The film has a great control of its atmosphere. It’s a grim film and there’s an oppressive sense of tension as Rama and the cops start moving through the building. It really weighs heavy on you. The other thing I really like about the film is its sense of geography. What the balls do I mean by that? Well, the film gives us a clear idea of where our heroes and villains are at all times. We see the SWAT team ascend the floors. We know so-and-so’s apartment is on the 7th floor. We know Tama is at the very top of the complex. It all adds to the immersion and sells the fact this is a real place. Take a look at the modern daddy of the “trapped in a place” films, Die Hard. Next time you watch that film, take note of the surprising amount of time the film dedicates to telling us just where McClane is and where he needs to go next. Anyway. It’s a good thing what this film done. End of point. Also, it’s interesting to note that the film has two soundtracks. I’ve only heard the American one, done by composer Joseph Trapanese (who worked on Tron: Legacy‘s brilliant Daft Punk soundtrack and M83’s equally good Oblivion soundtrack) and Linkin Park’s Mike Shinoda (without a sense of confidence /I’m convinced that there’s just too much pressure to take), but I rate it highly. Really adds to the off-kilter feel of the film.

So, the all-important action. It’s fucking awesome and some of the best fight choreography I’ve ever seen. It’s fast, brutal and visceral. I really recommend watching The Raid with a group of similarly-minded people. Like all the best martial arts films, you’ll be laughing with sheer glee one minute and wincing, but still smiling, the next. It’s super violent stuff, no doubt about it, but it’s done with such skill and precision it’s like watching the world’s most hardcore ballet with machetes and broken bones. It’s a massive showcase for the Indonesian martial art of Pencak Silat and by Christ, is it cool. I know calling something “awesome” and “cool” is hardly the best criticism (although it’s never stopped me), but there’s not much else to say about fight scenes. You don’t calmly and intellectually dissect them. You fuckin’ feel them in your core, brother! The Raid is all about action sequences and it does them extraordinarily well. The first time I saw the film, I walked out with a mile-wide smile and and urge to punch and kick everything and everybody in sight. That’s exactly what a good martial arts film should do.

“*Kick noise*”

If you haven’t seen it yet, check out The Raid. It’s light on story but heavy on punches. It’s also one of my favourite action films ever. Plus, the sequel’s out.

The Amazing Spider-Man 2

 

 The Raging Spider-Fan 2

The Amazing Spider-Man 2 (2014)

 
 

Nothing in recent cinematic memory has incensed me more than 2012’s The Amazing Spider-Man, a film that not only turned my favourite character of all time into a self-centred, jumped-up little prick and gave us a weak rehashing of a great origin story but also had the gall to not even properly tell a story, period. I have talked the ears off of anyone who would listen about how it’s a complete failure of a film and how Marc Webb is a gormless guffbag, but eventually even I got sick of hearing myself talk about it. So why can’t I just ignore it? I don’t know. I’m a glutton for punishment. Despite having had my fingers burned, I was compelled to see how bad the sequel would be. It’s messed up, I know.

“Nothing is what I thought it was.”

Peter Parker (Andrew Garfield) is still trying to find a balance between his personal life and his spandexed hero one. Things are ramping up as he’s graduating high school and college beckons. Parker is also struggling with his promise to Captain Stacy (Denis Leary) about staying away from Gwen (Emma Stone). Things get kicked up several notches when nobody electrical engineer Max Dillon (Jamie Foxx) has a terrible industrial accident and becomes a purely electrical malevolent being known as “Electro”.  To make things more complicated, Peter’s old BFF Harry Osborn (Dane DeHaan) returns from his travels abroad, literally after Spider-Man’s blood. OK, here’s where it’s tough. As with the first film, the actors are all great, but either given fuck all to do or insanely miscast. Garfield is still OK as Parker, although I swear to Christ he’s playing the guy as autistic. Emma Stone is also fine as Gwen and the banter between the two is still one of the film’s only charms. Jamie Foxx does good work, but is let down by the shoddy script. Sally Field is again the film’s MVP as Aunt May and Dane DeHaan is a fantastic Harry, although the less said about his “transformation”, the better.

Here’s the thing. This rebooted series has no backbone whatsoever. It has no goddamn dignity. It’d bend over and spread its arsecheeks whilst singing a medley of the current top 40 if it thought it could make an extra ticket sale. I may have hated the ridiculous Dark Knight lite aesthetic of the first film, but fuck me if they haven’t slammed the tonal lever in the opposite direction and given us a goofy-as-fuck Spidey with primary colours and dumb-as-hell happenings. This may as well be another reboot. Sequels are often overreactions to criticisms of the preceding films- we know this to be true, but this is beyond the pail. Why can’t we have a happy medium? Why does it always have to be absolutes? Sam Raimi’s films are strangely timeless because they took place in a weird ’60s/modern day hybrid world. TASM 2 is doing all it can to pander to today’s youth and will be dated by the time it hits DVD shelves.

For a while, I thought I may have to choke down some hefty helpings of humble pie when it started trying to make sense of the tangled mess of story the first film left on. It was almost like it was taking my personal niggles and checking them off one by one. Stupid suit? Replaced with a much better one. That shit about Peter going back on his promise to Captain Stacy? Carries over and is being dealt with. The mystery of Parker’s parents that was dropped unceremoniously halfway through the first film? Also carries over. Peter used Bing to search the Net? He now uses Google like a normal person. It was uncanny. However, I realised that just because they were addressing these things, it didn’t mean they knew where to go from there. There is still no understanding of who the Spider-Man character is and why he and some of his iconic villains have stuck around for so long.

This whole situation reminds me of where Warner Bros. were in 1995 when Batman Forever came out. After the huge success of Batman in ’89, Tim Burton was given free rein for the sequel, Batman Returns. The film ended up being too damn weird and dark for its own good and caused many a furrowed brow,  basically boiling down to not being marketable enough for the suits. Joel Schumacher was brought in for Forever and turned the colour saturation and the camp factor up to 11 and changed it from a dark, moody piece to a screaming neon toy advert. Same basic thing here. Sony were reportedly unhappy with the final version of TASM and so it makes sense they would want to change writers and flip the tone. They’ve got a whole contrived universe to build after all.

I’m reminded of Batman Forever in another way when it comes to Electro. If you remember, Batman Forever featured Jim Carrey’s Edward Nygma, a deranged superfan of Bruce Wayne’s who decides to become his mortal enemy in the form of The Riddler after an imagined slight. Guess what Max Dillon’s story is. At the base of it, I could see it working. Max is an invisible nobody- a loser so kicked down and pushed around, he’s taken aback when somebody remembers his name. He’s a sympathetic character. Thing is, this is waay too broad and they squander any dramatic potential. He sports a greasy combover and is bespectacled. He’s turned his home into a Spidey shrine. He has imaginary discussions with Spider-Man. He’s a Hollywood nerd from a frathouse comedy. It’s honestly like he’s stepped straight out of an ’80s cartoon. Fuck me. It was embarrassing to watch. We’ve had over a decade of proper superhero films now. We’ve had The Avengers. We’ve moved past this shit now.

As with the first film, the main problem is the script. Having booted James Vanderbilt, Sony made the questionable decision of hiring the dumblefuck Transformers scribes to write this one. The tone flits from one thing to another, killing any resonance the scenes on screen could have had completely dead. Yeah, there’ll be stupids laughing and crying, but for the rest of us thinkrights, it’s a confusing affair. Don’t understand where I’m coming from? You try telling a joke immediately after a mass kitten burial and see how well you get on. Try giving directions to a stranger after slapping your bum and blowing raspberries at them and see how long they stick around.  A lot of emphasis has gone into making Spider-Man “funny”, but dear Lord is it painful. Humour is part of the Spider-Man character, sure. However, I must have missed the run of issues where he trots out rapid-fire unfunny quips until your knuckles are white and your teeth are cracked and bloody. It was fucking agonising. Apart from the “humour”, the film struggles with basic storytelling. Characters have no arcs, basic motivations are fucked and it’s all just a noisy light show of a spectacle inbetween. Baffling changes are made. Stuff from the comics that I figured would have been too cheesy or ridiculous for the big screen are replaced by even wackier things.

I honestly tried to like this film. I’m the forgiving sort. It took the Fast and Furious series five films to start actually being good. The sticking point for me is that (to my mind at least) they’re completely fucking up my favourite superhero. They’re mucking up opportunities left, right and centre. What’s worse is that they’ve got no plans to give the franchise back to Marvel. They’re too busy setting release dates for future films and writing spin-offs. What pisses me off is that I could have written both this review and the basic plot on a napkin just after the first trailer was released and barely had to change anything. It’s that lazy. Also, despite having talented people like Johnny Marr and Pharrell contributing, Hans Zimmer’s soundtrack sucks a fat one. Just listen to the main theme and tell me it doesn’t sound like the farted out music for the bonus features on a Superman DVD.

“I once told you that secrets have a cost. The truth does too.”

So yeah, I didn’t care for The Amazing Spider-Man 2. Fucked up fact of the matter is, it doesn’t care for anyone. It didn’t want to tell a good Spider-Man story or bring an iconic villain to life. All it is interested in is wringing out as much cash as it can from suckers before the superhero bubble bursts. Whilst there has been more effort this time round, it’s still a fucking car crash of a film. It’s a whole different kind of awful. It’s just scraping a two star rating because I know, deep down, it isn’t the worst thing ever. It’s at the very least competent in some areas, but boy did I struggle with the whole “personal bias” thing.