Author: Ben Browne

“Good people. Bad people. No other difference.”

Having unapologetically enjoyed the first one, I was ready for the sequel. Yes, I would have preferred if it was just a one-off and they focused their energy and money on something else, but in this day and age where almost everything has to be a bloody franchise, what can you do? You can either get on board, or get out of the way. I chose the former, but somewhat wish I’d chosen the latter. More after the inevitable plot summary.

“I hope this turns out better than your plan to cook rice in your stomach by eating it raw and then drinking boiling water…”

Following on from the first film, Po (Jack Black) is the Dragon Warrior, a fabled kung fu master who will bring balance to the martial art. Along with the Furious Five (Angelina Jolie, Lucy Liu, Seth Rogen, David Cross and Jackie Chan) and under the supervision of Master Shifu (Dustin Hoffman), Po must stop a new threat to kung fu, Lord Shen (Gary Oldman) who intends to take over China with his mastery of fireworks and explosives. The plot is okay, although the first one was stronger. I felt that since Po is now a kung fu master, there wouldn’t be much to do apart from have him fight. The film gets around this by delving into his backstory and, amongst many other things, explaining just why his Dad is a goose. Thing is, I liked the joke that Po’s father was a goose. To me it was a throwaway gag. To explain it takes the charm away. Anyway, it all ties in to Lord Shen having played an integral part in Po’s infancy. From Po’s point of view, as the tagline for Jaws: The Revenge so aptly put it, this time, it’s personal. Jack Black is fine, as are Dustin Hoffman and Gary Oldman (although his character and voice slightly reminded me of Stewie from Family Guy). Angelina Jolie gets a slightly bigger part, but the rest of the five are largely ignored. 

The problem I had with this film was the fact that there’s a lot more of Po pratfalling- precisely my gripe with the first film. Okay, so it would have been boring if he just kicked ass all the time being just another warrior, I get that. He’s always fucking falling over though. It garnered a few giggles from the children I kidnapped and forced to watch films with me in my creepy film den in the audience at the very public cinema I saw it at, but even they stopped laughing after a while. If I had written it (and fuck knows why I wasn’t chosen) I would have made Po still amazing at kung fu, but have him be a bit of an over-confident douche about it. You could still have him learn his origins and leave the second half of the film virtually unchanged. Po wasn’t the loveable idiot from the first, he was just an idiot. This may sound like too much analysis for a computer animated, marketed up the poo-pipe sequel, but there’s a good story in here somewhere and I kept being reminded I was watching a kids’ film everytime Po acted like a tit. My point is this: if all this shite wasn’t even entertaining the kids, then what the hell was it for?

But hey, that’s only me being annoyed that not only has my major whinge about the first not been addressed, but actually made worse. The rest of the film is totally fine. The animation is truly beautiful and some of the flashback sequences amazingly stylised. The writing is sharp and the occasionally funny line or quip would have me smiling away in the dark. As I saw this in 2D, I noticed that all the action sequences were shot in a very specific way, presumably to make them more impressive to the suckers wearing the stupid specs. Everything was shot fairly close up, assumedly to make the 3D more “immersive”, but I couldn’t help but feel this was hampering the otherwise fun and imaginative chases and fights. I also liked the fact that Po and Tigress seem to be getting a bit closer and it will be interesting to find out if they go where I think they’re going to go with this in Kung Fu Panda 3, although I’m not entirely sure I want to see what happens when a panda fucks a tiger and the abomination created out of this unholy union.

The end sequence is brilliant too, fusing some impressive computer wizardry (the boats and hundreds of animals on them lit by lanterns are a sight to behold), with some laughs and big fights. The film really pulls it out of the bag for the final 20 mins and it was around this time I felt that what I was seeing on screen finally lived up to the original film. It’s worth mentioning before I get to one of my World famous concluding paragraphs that Guillermo Del Toro was a “creative consultant” on this film, which may explain some of the darker elements in this film- especially the ones concerning Po’s backstory.

“How many times do I have to kill the same stinking panda?”

Kung Fu Panda 2 is pretty good. It’s not as charming as the first and doesn’t deal with anything “deep” like body issues or anything like the first (it opts instead for a vague “inner peace” mantra) but it’s entertaining and funny at times. It’s fun, but the sequel-bait ending left me with a bit of a nasty taste in my mouth. The shine’s already starting to dull with this installment- is there going to be any left for the threequel? Guess we’ll find out soon enough.

The raison d’être of this very blog has always been about defending blockbusters from the snooty and the pretentious. Respected film critics normally tear “dumb but fun” titles limb from metaphorical limb in favour of recommending a foreign film showing in about 2 cinemas nationwide. Most people live in the mainstream and as such, I set up this blog to separate the blockbustin’ wheat from the chaff. I felt that there weren’t enough eloquent voices proclaiming that Rib Kicker 7: The Fistening may actually be more enjoyable than Holocaust Winter’s Tears. On this blog, I have repeatedly mentioned that I love action films and have enjoyed the work of much maligned directors like Michael Bay and indeed, Sucker Punch‘s own Zack Snyder. As much as I was prepared to, I can’t defend Sucker Punch. It’s aggressively shit.

The film starts with Babydoll (Emily Browning) being taken to a mental asylum after shooting at her bastardly stepfather and accidentally hitting and killing her younger sister instead. Whilst there, she and her fellow inmates hatch an escape plan, the elements of which are shown to us via Babydoll’s imagination, taking us to places like a snowy feudal Japan with minigun-toting stone samurai and the muddy trenches of World War II, populated by (and I’m not making this up) clockwork, steam-powered zombie Nazis. The plot plays out like Inception for morons. Whilst this is a lazy comparison, the multitude of layers make it hard to compare to anything else. Despite the many, many problems with this film, the casting isn’t one of them. The girls aren’t given too much to work with, but do admirably with what they’re given. I liked Emily Browning and was pleased to see Vanessa Hudgens break free of her High School Musical shackles. Zack Snyder is clearly the problem here, unused to the boundary-free environment of making an original film as opposed to his usual modus operandi of adapting already successful stories.

So, what’s my beef with all this? Well, Sucker Punch makes no fucking sense. I don’t care if I seem stupid by saying that and get literally one e-mail telling me I’ve missed the point entirely and should seriously consider suicide because I’m a thick, thick, thicky faggot. We are meant to accept that Babydoll goes into a fantasy world to escape the horror of her situation. Right, with you so far, SP. So, to combat the fact she’s in a mental asylum she imagines that she and her inmates are actually in a burlesque club, performing for sweaty wankers. Er…ok. Then, whilst dancing in said club, she imagines that the gang are actually kick-ass warriors fighting things like Nazis, dragons and conservative dress-sense, all to achieve something like a key or a map. Thing is, all these fantasies are unpleasant. Surely there should be some rainbows or unicorns or some shit? To escape a shitty situation by imagining another shitty situation doesn’t make any sense at all. It’s like a man finding the charred remains of his beloved pet dog and to escape the despair of it all imagines a scenario where he’s gang-raped in prison by three well-hung, not to mention angry, oiled men. 

The film is also over-sexualised in a way I only thought possible in Japanese video games about volleyball. Babydoll herself has ickle blonde pigtails and a skirt so short you could see what she’d had for dinner if she bent over. It’s also explicitly mentioned that she’s 20, presumedly to appease the Nuts magazine demographic already abusing themselves over her, happy to not add an element of paedophilia to their public masturbation rapsheet. I suppose the argument could be that the pin-up look of the girls is some kind of female empowerment, playing with the very concept of the male gaze, but it’s doubtful. The film doesn’t show enough intelligence elsewhere to make this a viable interpretation. Having said all that, it is nice to see a film with a 90% female cast, with men only popping up occasionally to be act like knobheads.

Still, Sucker Punch is, at its heart, an action film and as such mere contrivances like plot and cleavage visibility shouldn’t get in the way of explosions and people getting their shit wrecked. Unfortunately, the film goes for the ridiculous Resident Evil style action sequences, where everything seems to be geared to impressing the thick twats that think Afterlife and films of its ilk are the “best filmz evarrr”. Zack Snyder still can’t keep his fucking finger off the slo-mo button. The action bits feel like they’ve been ripped off from better films and then smeared with pus. The imagined quest for a lighter in particular feels like Lord of the Rings with added aeroplanes and assorted toss. The aforementioned clockwork Nazis bit isn’t nearly as entertaining as it sounds either. As with the Resi Evil films, this type of action bored me to tears. This was not helped by the fact that for some reason, these sequences are often scored with mediocre cast-recorded covers of popular songs, the most aurally offensive being the opening Sweet Dreams (Are Made of This) and the crappy version of Tomorrow Never Knows.

If I was 13 again and had taken several bricks to the head, I may have enjoyed Sucker Punch. It’s glossy as hell and will impress a fraction of the populace with its visuals alone. Many people have described it as several music videos stitched together and I’m with them on that. It’s all just too juvenile with annoying misconceptions of being a lot smarter than it is. The central conceit is flawed and the action just made me wish I was watching something else. It’s actively dire.

If you’re looking for a review that can objectively tell you if this film stacks up to the first or not, then you’re in the wrong place, bub. I won’t go as far as to say I hated The Hangover, but I was definitely baffled by it. I saw trailers for it in the cinema and people laughed. After its release, I was told it was “so fucking funeee, lolz.” by people who I’d accidentally started talking to on my rare appearances on nights out. I watched The Hangover and actually found it to be an alienating, joyless experience. The premise was good, but the jokes just weren’t there. I didn’t crack a smile throughout the 100 minute runtime. This was made worse with the knowledge that people were finding this shite funny. I say in all honesty and without any characteristic hyperbole, The Hangover made me feel comedically broken. However, it made a shiteton of money, so they’re back with a sequel. Hoo-fucking-ray.

So yeah, if you’ve seen the first one, you’ll know the drill. The “Wolfpack” return as Stu (Ed Helms) is getting married in Thailand. Phil (Bradley Cooper) and beardie-weirdie Alan (Zach Galifianakis) go with to celebrate and the trio, plus newcomer Teddy (Mason Lee) have a few drinks. Cue a flash forward to a Bangkok hotel room where the guys wake up in various states of disrepair, remembering nothing of the night before and missing Teddy. Cue man-child shenanigans as the trio, a monkey and offensive Asian stereotype Mr.Chow (Ken Jeong) from the first one try to piece together their wild night and find Teddy before Stu’s wedding. Even typing that summary annoyed me. The plot is the same, but somehow worse. The only thing I liked about the first was the premise, but since that little glimmer of hope has been significantly dulled by time, this film has nothing going for it. The actors are fine, but none made me laugh. I actually like Bradley Cooper and find Zach GfuckyouI’mnottypinghislastnameagain’s standup funny, but I found them absolutely mirthless in this film.

The film has been criticised for being an inferior carbon copy of the first and rightly so. There are so many similar scenes to the original, it feels like The Hangover Part II is like an alternate universe’s version of the first one- the basic story, the pointless cameos, the stray animal and the naked Chinese man are all here, but just slightly different. The new stuff that the film brings has an odd cruel edge to it. I’ve read reviews that call the film racist and LGBT unfriendly and that’s not the half of it. I won’t go into it all here, but damn. Just damn.

Thing is, I could actually forgive the above problems if the film was actually funny. It really isn’t. The basic jokes are: vulgar/inappropriate things being said in a casual manner, Alan saying something odd and Stu bitching about things. Those are just about the only flavours of “comedy” we’re presented with and they all taste like watery spunk.

So, you may ask why I returned to the series if I had my fingers burned by the first. Well, like it or not, The Hangover Part II, despite critical panning is doing amazingly well at the box office. It’s significant. That’s all there is to it. I would say something twatty and pseudo-pithy like “What happened in Vegas should have stayed in Vegas” or “The Hangover Part II gave me a headache” but I think that would detract from my points. So, I’ll just be frank, using plain and simple language. It’s shit, the first one was shit and people are shit for not only liking it, but funding more of it. I hope you’re happy, you Hangover liking bastards.

Yes, it’s new review time again and I’ve done seen a feature about some pirates or summat. So, are you sitting comfortably? Then shut the fuck up and I’ll begin…

So here we are with the fourth Pirates film, hoping to kickstart a whole new trilogy of swordfighting, big set pieces and general seafaring. After the disappointing sequels, On Stranger Tides looks to right the wrongs those films made, promising a “stripped down” approach to abate those (including myself) who thought that  the brilliant Curse of the Black Pearl  deserved better. Frankly, they were too convoluted and, for lack of a better word, shit.

On Stranger Tides once again follows everybody’s favourite pirate, Captain Jack Sparrow (Johnny Depp) as he learns that an imposter is gathering a crew to search for the Fountain of Youth. However, the fake Cap’n Jack isn’t the only one interested in the Fountain, as series regular Barbossa (Geoffrey Rush), the Spanish Armada and legendary fearsome pirate Blackbeard (Ian McShane) race to get to the best anti-ageing treatment in the world. Along the way, things get more complicated for Sparrow as he runs into old flame Angelica (Penelope Cruz). The plot is fairly decent and certainly less complicated than either Dead Man’s Chest or At World’s End. At least this time round there’s a clear goal which never wavers. The problem I had with it was the lack of urgency. None of the parties interested the Fountain of Youth actually seem to want it that badly. They talk a lot about it, sure- but there’s no real race. Everyone’s just content to float through the set-piecey bits of the sea at their own pace. Depp’s Sparrow routine is still entertaining, although his dialogue is still not as snappy as it orginally was. Geoffrey Rush is still awesome. I liked Barbossa’s turn from being a filthy pirate to being a filthy privateer for the King’s Navy and that his love of apples hasn’t dwindled. Cruz is fine (in all senses of the word) and Ian McShane does a decent job as Blackbeard, although the character isn’t really explored well enough.

I really wanted a bad-ass villain this time around. The film does a good job of building Blackbeard up, but he’s a bit of a letdown. This may be the point- subverting expectations and all that, but we’re dealing with a Disney/Bruckheimer film here, it’s not only permissable to have a boo-hiss baddie, it’s almost the damn law. Occasionally he’ll do something evil with the relaxed attitude of someone making a shopping list, which can be quite chilling, but I expected more. Thank Christ the Will/Elizabeth story is done with, because I’m not sure I could deal with another feature-length lesson in how not to emote from the bland twins. What we’ve got instead is a rather more compelling romance between missionary Phillip (Sam Claflin) and mermaid Syrena (Àstrid Bergès-Frisbey). There’s less of it, but I think it works better than the screen-hogging duo of Bloom and Knightley. Talking of actors, there are quite a few cameos to look out for. Nudge, nudge, wink, wink, say no more.

Still, it wouldn’t be a Pirates film without some digustingly expensive action sequences and there are quite a few here. The chase through Ye Olde London is well done, setting off a steady stream of typical Bruckheimer funded mayhem. There’s a good old-fashioned swordfight in a brewery, purposefully similar to Will and Jack’s initial dust-up in the first one. This self-referencial scene outlined the problem I had with the sequels and this film. It’s the fucking editing. The sword fights are just a succession of quick shots, mostly fairly close up so you have even less of an idea about what’s going on. I watched the first one back and was surprised to see that the editing was a lot more subdued. There were times in this film when I had no idea who was who (aside from the brewery bit as I’m sure that’s the point). I’m sure the sword stuff is fantastically choreographed too, just allow us to see it next time, for shit’s sake. Having said all that, the mermaid sequence in this flick is creepy, brilliant and undoubtably the highlight of the film in action terms. Those fishy bitches mean business.

“If I don’t kill a man once in awhile, people forget who I am”

So, On Stranger Tides. It isn’t the return to form that it desperately needed, but it’s no worse than At World’s End. It’s on par with Dead Man’s Chest, which wasn’t terrible. If you do intend to make more Disney (and I think one look at the box office receipts will ensure that you will) go back to what made the first one great. Hire some new writers too, because the original dream team have clearly lost it and have now had three films to redeem themselves and haven’t. Now for some observations that I couldn’t cleverly weave into the above paragraphs. 3D not needed, saw it in 2D and apart from the occasional pandering shot (swords pointed towards camera) was perfectly fine. The laws of physics are Jack Sparrow’s bitch. Gibbs looks like a mutton chopped Dara O’Briain when he’s wearing a hat.

Arthur (2011)

I don’t often say stuff like this, but I found the romance to be pretty sweet. Whilst Brand and Gerwig don’t really have much chemistry, the big romantic gestures Arthur laid on for her and their dates started to charm me. For instance, the couple’s first date is so impossibly romantic that even a kitten-stomping bastard like me could recognise that. Arthur’s irresponsible boozing was funny and sad at the same time and his AA meeting with Hobson was genuinely touching. It’s a funny film too and made me laugh throughout the runtime, which really is a rarity in this “Let’s be like the fucking Hangover” comedic lull.

Still, I didn’t completely turn into a snivelling girly-man. There are problems. As mentioned, the opening is awful, the chemistry between the two leads isn’t really there and the film can be too saccharine at times. Naomi’s childrens’ story in particular was so sickly I wanted to vomit my lungs up with rage. The original’s obviously better, but if you give this version a go, you may be surprised. What can I say? I expected it to be shit and was entertained instead- these things happen from time to time.

I imagine the ideas meeting after Ice Age 3 came out to be one with an air of sweaty desperation. After realising they needed a money-in-the-bank 3D kiddie spectacular to fill the gap whilst some poor soul is tasked with squeezing another Ice Age film out, I believe that there was a deathly silence at Blue Sky Studios. I envisage about 15 people sat round an extremely shiny table all looking like they’ve shat themselves and don’t want to let on to the others. Suddenly, one of them ventures: “How about Hot Age?” and instead of being laughed at and brutally shanked, they’re praised and work immediately goes into refining said prick’s idea. That’s the amount of thought I believe went into Rio.

Rio is the story of Blu (voiced by Jesse Eisenberg) a rare Spix’s Macaw who was snatched from the Brazilian rainforest as a chick. He is smuggled to snowy Minnesota where he is found and adopted by book shop owner Linda (Leslie Mann). After 15 years together, things suddenly change when Tulio, a Brazilian ornithologist, tracks Linda and Blu down and tells them that Blu is the last male of his kind and must mate with a female, Jewel (Anne Hathaway), to preserve the species. Thus, the trio head to colourful, exotic Rio in order to save the Spix’s Macaw from extinction. The story’s alright, I guess. It’s making kids aware of certain environmental concerns, which I’m always in favour of. What I don’t get is why Scientist Guy couldn’t take Jewel to Blu, rather than the other way around. Sure, we wouldn’t have a film if this happened, but still- weak sauce. Jesse Eisenberg repeats his Mark Zuckerberg, fast-talking nerd performance and it works well. Anne Hathaway was just the female lead- nothing here to stretch her talents.

Rio is an amazing looking film. The colours, the animation and the rendered Brazilian locales are all stunning. Having seen it in eye-friendly 2D, I couldn’t comment on the 3D, but I’m sure it would mostly be a waste of time. Thing is, there’s not much else going on here. The character development’s weak as shit, with the only interesting character being the villain- Nigel, a vicious Cockatoo (yes, you read that right) voiced by Flight of the Conchords‘ Jermaine Clement. His song is genuinely funny and a real high point. However, Nigel has a posh British accent so not many points can be given for originality. Will Hollywood just not be happy until every American mistrusts the British? We’re not so bad. Some of us are downright decent people, you racist fuckpigs.

Thing is, there’s no real love between the computer-generated cartoon lovebirds. They bicker a lot, mainly because Blu can’t fly (guess how that turns out) and then suddenly they’re in love. It’s so flimsy. The excuse “it’s a kids’ film” doesn’t wash with me. Pixar and Dreamworks have both delivered funny, touching films as entertaining and touching for adults as they are for younglings. There is no excuse for a lazy story. Especially if you’ve had to mortgage your house to pay for you and your family to see it in 3D .

Rio just seems like a needlessly expensive advert for Brazil.  Everything you’d expect to see in a film set in Brazil appears- Ipanima Beach and the Christ the Redeemer statue make an appearance. Obviously, Blu happens to be there during Carnival so everything is a mental mix of glitter, huge floats and skimpy costumes. The film will undoubtably entertain the young’uns. There’s a high-energy musical number every 10 minutes or so and as I said, it’s very pretty to look at. It’s occasionally funny, but most of the time, you’ll be waiting for the animated bastards to sod off into the sunset and leave you alone. Still, the countdown for Ice Age 4 begins here!

  

 

I don’t really buy into the whole “young assassin” thing any more. It was fine in Léon as it seemed organic, but Hit-Girl in Kick-Ass and now Hanna in er…Hanna seem to be taking it a bit too far. I’m sure that if you trained a toddler how to use firearms and nunchucks as soon as they could hold them up until say, their 12th birthday, you’d have a considerable ass-whuppin’ machine on your hands. The thing I have a problem with is the hand-to-hand fighting. No way would a 12 year old be able to take on a fully grown adult thug. These aren’t just random never-been-in-a-fight adults. They’re trained, paid muscle. No fucking way. Anyway. Too much thinking, not enough reviewing. 

“You didn’t prepare me for this.”

Hanna stars Saoirse Ronan as the eponymous heroine, a teen assassin (fuck off) trained from a young age by her father, former CIA man Erik Heller (Eric Bana). She has had an unsual upbringing, consisting mostly of mystery and intensive combat training in the Finnish wilderness. After some plot spoiler-y stuff happens, Hanna finds herself hunted by a corrupt CIA agent named Marissa Weigler (Cate Blanchett). The easiest comparision to draw to this film is that of the Jason Bourne trilogy, specifically The Bourne Identity. I wanted to do something with the phrase “kiddie Bourne” but my ethics committee advised against it. The details are changed, but a skilled killer being persued across many locations by a government agency whilst all the time finding out about their past? The protagonist could be a fucking dog with three legs and still remind me of the Bourne films. Anyway, the plot isn’t bad by any stretch and does keep you interested until the Chemical Brothers scored credits roll. Saoirse Ronan is seriously impressive as Hanna, being able to realistically portray a detached, cold blooded killer with a loveable innocent side. Unfortunately, she sometimes reminded me of great Luna Lovegood from the Harry Potter films, giving a whole new spin to the general grittiness. Her accent was dead on too. Thinking about it, accents are probably one of the major recurring interests in this film. For every great one (Ronan and surprisingly, Eric Bana) there’s a not-so-great one (Blanchett’s Southern drawl is terrible as is Tom Hollander’s stereotypical camp Cherman accent) 

Hanna herself is a great character. She’s a killer, but also a childhood-less teen. There’s a great scene in Morocco where Hanna first comes into contact with modern technology such as television and kettles. Up to this point, we’ve seen Hanna comfortably navigate government buildings packed with highly-trained agents and traverse great distances on her own. It’s a great moment of vulnerability. The film’s later attempts to expand upon this are less successful. Hanna meets a fucking annoying British family consisting of a “yummeh mummeh”, posh-areas-of-London type matriarch, an easy-going beardy dad and two kids, a teen daughter Sophie and a little boy, Miles. Sophie befriends Hanna and is often used as the comparative “normal” teen and it gets pretty grating. There’s a sweet scene involving a bracelet, but the scene where some Spanish boys take the girls out takes a wrong turn at Charm Street and goes down Annoyance Avenue instead. If Hanna’d actually kissed the boy, it would have been fine and touching. As it stands, it seems like a desperate attempt at humour. However (invisotexted movie spoiling talk) the reveal on who or what Hanna is feels like it belongs in another film. You can’t have gritty realism one minute and drag out the ol’ genetically created super soldier thing the next. It doesn’t work.

Blanchett’s character, conversely, is weaker than a petrol station coffee. She’s incredibly vain and always cleaning her teeth or being concerned with her attire. That’s basically her in a nutshell. The usually awesome Tom Hollander as a camp, bleached blonde, tracksuited German doesn’t work either. My mate Laurence made a good point, remarking that Hollander and his skinhead cronies reminded him of ’70s Bond villains. Nail on the head there- and there’s not even a cocked Moore eyebrow to balance things out.

The action scenes are great and not at all what I’d expect from the director of Atonement. The fight choreography is especially good and both Ronan and Bana impress in equal measures. The brief shootout between Marissa and Heller is impressive and genuinely exciting. The locales are gorgeous too, ranging from the beautiful Finnish woods to a creepy-as-shit abandoned theme park. Whoever was the location scout deserves a raise.

There’s just something about Hanna I didn’t like. There are some compelling performances and some enjoyable action bits, but there’s something that doesn’t quite gel. The whole film’s a bit off-kilter and can’t decide what it wants to be. I initially enjoyed it in the cinema, but looking back the good things started to fade away. It’s alright, just not as amazing as all the good reviews led me to believe it would be.