Author: Ben Browne

After being twice bitten and disregarding the sensible shyness that should have kicked in after The Phantom Menace, people still flocked to see Revenge of the Sith. The film had a lot to answer for, having to convince people that the prequels weren’t a waste of time and money, but also had to neatly tie this new trilogy in with the original trilogy. We (and by we I mean Star Wars nerds) knew that this film was the one where Anakin turned to the Dark Side and become everyone’s favourite asthmatic Sith lord. We’d seen some pretty shitty preceding nonsense, but this was the pay off. We’d seen Anakin lose his mother, get all up in some sandpeople’s business and now here was the birth of pop culture’s most iconic characters. And LUCAS FUCKED IT UP.

God, I can’t be arsed to type a synopsis. Summat about war. All the actor comments in my previous reviews still ring true anyway. Now, Revenge of the Sith is not nearly as bad as Phantom Menace or Attack of the Clones. It has some good moments, but once again, there are too many baffling missteps to elevate the overall quality. The film goes for a “dark” tone. Certainly, there’s a lot more death and despair in this one, which beats cheering children and hooting Gungan bellends any day. It’s poorly done though, with the crucial lack of characterisation evident when you suddenly realise you don’t give a shit. Tragedy only works if you care for the characters. Even though Lucas had two films to chart the fall of Skywalker it still feels rushed. Anakin bends to Palpatine’s will laughably quickly after Palpy vaguely implies that he could save people from dying.

Revenge of the Sith is frustrating. I do actually like it and its my most re-watched of the prequels, but it’s a like that comes with many different caveats and qualifiers. Tonally it’s all over the place. For instance, in the opening scene, we go from Anakin slicing off Dooku’s hands and decapitating him, to R2 dicking about with security droids. It’s really odd. The film also flits from boring dialogue to impressive special effects driven action.  The dialogue, whilst tedious and functional, for the most part is better this time, with the exception of one scene which made me want to curl up and cringe myself to death. Here are les mots diabolique:

The delivery makes it even worse. Plus, the weird lighting and make-up on Padmé in this bit makes Natalie Portman, a usually fucking gorgeous woman, look like this. I normally wouldn’t mind, but the dialogue draws specific attention to it. Also there’s the aformentioned birth of Vader fuck-up. You know the scene. You know how it makes you feel.

As for the good things, I like the set-pieces. Having said that, I’m not a fan of the overlong final fight between Anakin and Obi-Wan. It tries to be too epic and falls flat. Duel of the Fates in Phantom Menace had the right balance. In Sith, it just drags after a while and as a result does the unthinkable-  it makes lightsaber combat boring. I like the scenes where Anakin is Vader in all but the suit. Marching through the Jedi temple with an army of clone troopers behind is undeniably cool. Plus, there’s a fucking dark scene where one of the worst child actors in the world says: “Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What are we going to do?” and is answered by the harsh ignition of Vader’s lightsaber. It’s nasty, but at least it had some bite to it, unlike the majority of scenes in the prequels. I’m not saying more child murder would have improved the films (and that’s certainly not a notion I want quoted out of context) I’m just saying that at least the scene elicits a reaction from me.

So, yeah. Revenge of the Sith is the best of the prequels, but still not a very good film. As I said in my Phantom Menace review, the real tragedy is the missed opportunity here. These could have been great films. I’m inclined to blame Lucas for the most part, surrounding himself with yes men and not employing anyone with balls enough to tell him Jar Jar was fucking stupid and to go and have a shave. There will always be the original films, but that’s not the point. What could have been will always be the worse part. George Lucas didn’t “rape my childhood”, as some of the more melodramatic fans have said, but he definitely made the Star Wars universe glow a little less brightly for me.

The film is set in 2020 where robot boxing is king. It tells the story of ex-boxer and failing fight promoter Charlie Kenton (Hugh Jackman), who suddenly finds himself lumbered with his estranged son Max (Dakota Goya) and struggling to pay the bills. He owes a lot of people money, the least dangerous of which is his long suffering friend/boss/love interest Bailey (Evangeline Lilly). However, when father and son salvage a scrapped sparring bot by the name of Atom, the pair decide to train Atom in an effort to ease Charlie’s financial troubles and as a result, start growing closer together. I normally hate those poster whores who write things like the above “Rocky…crossed with Transformers” line just for a spot on the DVD cover. Thing is, that description is almost totally accurate. It is Rocky with robots i.e. an underdog from the streets gets a shot at the big time. Fair enough, that seems to be the plot for every boxing movie, but the Stallone parallels are strong. Jack Human is fine, playing the role that he normally does when he’s not got adamantium claws. Surprisingly, the lead kid, Dakota Goya (seen only briefly as the young Thor in… well, Thor) didn’t annoy me. Yes, he had the same smart-arse precocious kid lines that adults insist on writing for children, but he was pretty damn good. It was nice to see Evangeline Lilly outside of anticlimactic television shows too. She’s alright here. ‘Nuff said.

I know when what I’m watching a good family film when I wish I was 10 again so I could have my mind blown by it. If I were 10, I probably wouldn’t have seen Rocky and therefore would have been surprised by the whole thing. Plus, it’s robots beating seven bells out of each other AND you can tell which one is which AND there are no illusions of being “grown up” AND it’s not directed by Michael Bay. All the fighters are very well-designed with their own unique quirks. My favourite was Metro, a Frankenstein’s monster of a robot with a massive sledgehammer for a hand. Put simply, the robots work. The fights are all impressively shot and choreographed and the climactic fight actually feels like (I was going to say “a climax” here, but it ain’t that good) an epic finale.

What doesn’t work is the fairly laboured father/son bonding storyline. It’s alright, but it does get bogged down with cheese and saccharine over-sentimentality. This is excusable to a certain extent as the seemingly bulletproof excuse of “it’s for kids” rears its smug, punchable face, but even taking that into account, it still lays it on a little too thick. There’s some truly obnoxious product placement on display here, with Microsoft’s optimistic hopes that their Bing search engine will still exist in 2020 somehow making the concept of fighting robots less ludicrous. Having said that, it doesn’t spoil the overall sense of fun and still makes this an easy recommendation for a family film. If you’re an angry loner like me, you may still find things to enjoy about Real Steel. It’s fucking ridiculous, but it’s an inoffensive slice of fantasy fun. Stick that on your cover, Dreamworks!

Attack of the Clones is set 10 years after The Phantom Menace. After there is an assassination attempt on Senator Amidala (Natalie Portman), Jedis Obi-Wan Kenobi (Ewan McGregor) and the now grown up Anakin Skywalker (Hayden Christensen) are called in to protect her. After it emerges that the Republic is in danger, Obi-Wan investigates the possibility of a clone army whilst Anakin and Padmé travel to Naboo and fall in love, not knowing their relationship is doomed. The plot is a big ol’ jar of weaksauce. Again, too many things don’t make sense and the love story that dominates the film is atrocious. All the actors are fine, even Hayden Christensen, who attracted a lot of criticism as “Mannequin Skywalker”. I think the problem here is the characters, not the actors. This is typified with the casting of Christopher Lee.  The man could menace a bowl of cornflakes and yet he leaves no real impact on the film whatsoever.

So yeah. The “love story”. I’m not even sure what Lucas thought he was doing. It is completely devoid of feeling and reality. You may think that reality has little or nothing to do with a film that has lightsabers and flying cars, but it really is important. You can be as fantastical as you want, but the audience needs something to ground them and be able to relate to. The romance in Episode II makes the Twilight films look like the greatest love stories ever told. The dialogue is stilted and unnatural throughout the prequels, but is especially bad in this film’s love scenes. There’s this infamous scene, for instance. Just watch it. Not only does it start with some extremely sexy political discussion, it then moves to embarrassing new lows with forced-as-fuck horseplay. I especially like the bit where Anakin pretends to be seriously injured. That’ll get her moist. It’s like Lucas just skimmed through “An Idiot’s Guide to Mills & Boon: From Bodice-Ripping to Class Divides“, copy-pasted half of it into the script and wrote “in motherfucking space” at the end. You know you’re in trouble when your film has a romantic scene in front of a fireplace.

Despite the frequent action scenes, the film still manages to be boring. There’s one brief moment of fun when Obi-Wan is fighting bounty hunter Jango Fett, but that’s about your lot. The Clone War itself is nothing but a tech demo for Industrial Light and Magic’s mad computer skillz and you know what? I don’t even like Yoda getting his lightsaber out and fighting Dooku. It’s retarded. The worst scene for me by far is the “comedy” sequence in the droid factory where C-3PO gets his head knocked off and put onto the body of a battle droid. It’s so flinchingly bad I’m genuinely cringing as I write these words. Then there’s the scene where Anakin goes mental on the discovery of his mother’s body and kills a bunch of sandpeople. In better hands, this could have been a really affecting sequence. In the bearded businessman’s hands, it’s pretty laughable. Even though I like the line “They’re animals, so I slaughtered them like animals!” his little confession to Padmé goes on way too long. It’s meant to be a hint at future darkness, but ends up like a psychopath’s recollection of his first murder/rape.

“If Master Obi-Wan caught me doing this, he’d be very grumpy.”

Contrary to popular opinion, Attack of the Clones is the worst of the prequels in my book. The story doesn’t even come close to coherency, the dialogue is fist-bitingly awful and to top it all off, it’s dull to boot. It’s not even bad in a fun way like The Phantom Menace can be. There are no real redeeming features as far as I’m concerned. It’s just another film that doesn’t deserve the grandiose John Williams theme at the end.

Red State (2011)

Kevin Smith has had a bad run. In 2008, he tried to ape Apatow with Zack and Miri Make A Porno and succeeded in every way bar achieving the massive box office takings those films get. He then decided to direct a film he hadn’t written, Cop Out, which didn’t bring in the big bucks either and was rightfully panned as lazy, by-the-numbers pigswill. So, Smith decided to return to his indie roots with Red State, buying up the distribution rights himself and taking it across the U.S. and doing one of his famous Q&As afterwards. It’s a bold move and one I can’t help but be impressed by. Smith has stepped way outside of his comfort zone, written, edited and directed a “horror” film and distributed it in a way not seen before. That’s if you live in the exciting US of A. Here it’s just farted into cinemas like every other film. Just thought I’d give you some backstory. You’re welcome.

Red State begins with Travis (Michael Angarano) and his two friends Jared (Kyle Gallner) and Billy-Ray (Nicholas Braun) charmingly looking up loose women on a smartphone. After finding an older woman (Melissa Leo) who says she’ll take on all three greasy boys at the same time, our “heroes” drive to her trailer where they are slipped Rohypnol and wake up caged and bound in the local church. It is here they see the local fundamentalist congregation, led by the infamous preacher Abin Cooper (Michael Parks), who firmly believes that homosexuals and sexual deviants should be executed in the name of the Lord. Some bad shit goes down and the ATF are called in, led by Joseph Keenan (John Goodman). First off, this ain’t the horror film it’s been billed as. It’s certainly got elements of  horror, especially “torture porn” titles like Hostel, but that isn’t really the main thrust of it all. In fact, I’m struggling to tell you what it was. It chops and changes genre and tone so often it’s actually quite hard to define. Still, the story held my attention and took a few interesting, if occasionally fucking barmy, turns. The actors are decent, with Michael Parks stealing the show and giving an amazing performance as Abin Cooper. John Goodman was good too and I liked Kerry Bishé as the resigned but desperate Cheyenne.

Don’t you just fucking hate those wankers that protest gay funerals with placards declaring that “God Hates Fags” and such? Yeah, me too. Red State is all about that kind of extremist fundamentalism. Abin Cooper preaches these horrible morals and reprehensible lessons to his captive (in both senses of the word) audience with all the frustratingly unrelenting confidence and conviction of a complete cunt. These early scenes are by far Red State‘s strongest, with Cooper’s lengthy, well-written monologues to his loving congregation building tension well and paying off with some properly disturbing stuff. It’s a shame that the film seemingly gets bored with all this and calls John Goodman in. Goodman brings the ruckus like you read about and the whole film goes all David Koresh, with an armed siege on an extremist religious complex making up the latter part of the film. This doesn’t work that well and feels sloppily handled. I wanted a gritty, palpable Michael Mann-style shootout, but was left disappointed. Smith isn’t used to directing action and it shows.

I’m not sure what point Red State was trying to make. There’s an obvious anti-extremist message here, but there’s some shady government business with the ATF agents later that didn’t really make any sense. The ending fools you into thinking it’s going to go a ludicrous, but undeniably entertaining way but ends up copping out (no pun intended). The teens aren’t paid much heed after the film clicks into action mode and plot points just end up going nowhere. Without spoiling too much, there’s a plot involving the possible redemption of Cheyenne which ends up being violently discarded. I’m sure this was meant to be shocking, but there’s too much of a clusterfuck to actually care about what happens. You can’t be shocked if you’re not connecting or engaging with what’s going on.

Star Wars: Episode I- The Phantom Menace (1999)

After causing a bit of a stir at the Cannes Film Festival earlier this year and picking up the Best Director award for Nicolas Winding Refn, Drive fell off my radar for a bit. Now it’s back dead centre, pinging away like a bad simile alarm would if tasked with analysing this very paragraph.

It’s very difficult to describe the plot of Drive without making it sound like a bad Jason Statham vehicle (although that’s kind of the point), but I’ll do my best. Ryan Gosling plays a man referred to only as “Driver”,  a stuntman by day who makes extra money on the side by moonlighting as a getaway driver for hire. Driver lives a rather solitary life, with only his mentor and veteran mechanic Shannon (Bryan Cranston) to really confide in. All of this changes when Driver meets neighbour Irene (Carey Mulligan) and her son Benicio (Kaden Leos) and finds them involved in some bad stuff and in need of protection. The film is purposefully playing around with action conventions and it ends up like an arthouse version of something like The Transporter. It works extremely well. Gosling is a fucking revelation as the lead, lending a semi-autistic edge to the tight-lipped hero. I love the fact Bryan Cranston makes an appearance and having not seen the reportedly excellent Breaking Bad, found it a genuine thrill to see Malcolm’s dad, Hal, from Malcolm in the Middle play a scummy but still wholly likeable character. Carey Mulligan gives a really effective turn as Irene, having now got the whole palpable innocence and vulnerability thing down to a weaponised state. The surprise for me was Albert Brooks, normally known for his comedy roles and, more recently, his voice work in animations ranging from The Simpsons to Finding Nemo, playing a real nasty bastard in this. He steals many of the scenes he’s in and is a genuinely charismatic villain. Also Ron Perlman. Just Ron Perlman. Nothing more needs to be said.

From the off, you can tell that both Drive and Refn are children of the 1980’s. From the hot pink Vice City fonted credits to the hero’s naff silver and gold scorpion jacket, Drive wants you to recall some of the dumb but fun films of the decade that style forgot. The first half of the the film is intentionally reminiscent of these cinematic curios and lulls you into a false sense of parody-cushioned security before whipping the rug out from under you and stomping your face in. Something about the synth soundtrack complete with nail-on-the-head lyrics and the burgeoning cheesy, but actually rather touching, relationship between Driver and Irene just makes you completely unprepared for the truly shocking violence contained in the latter part of the film. My snorts of derision at the sun-drenched romantic scenes soon caught in the back of my throat as I winced at some of the surprising and gorier moments. This strange but effective mix is typified in the soon-to-be infamous elevator scene. Crucially, the film doesn’t linger on the horrific stuff. Much like my style of lovemaking, it’s quick and brutal.

It’s a rarity that the lead character is this compelling. After initially coming off as a bit of a douche what with his silly jacket and toothpick in the corner of his mouth, Driver turns out to be a fully fleshed-out sympathetic character. He’s kind-hearted, but also undeniably a bit of a psychopath. He rarely says more than a couple of sentences to people unless he’s talking about cartoons with Benicio or threatening strip-joint owners with a hammer. The strip club scene in particular has stuck with me and not for reasons of boobage. It’s the vacant, seen-it-all-before look the strippers have on their faces whilst all of the interrogation was going on that gets me. Quite chilling.

I thought Drive was amazing. It’s a punch to the face with a fist made of ice. It’s not an arthouse pastiche of ridiculous action films nor is it a action film made to appeal to the edu-crowd. Drive is its own strange powerful beast and my film of the year (so far).

Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy (2011)

Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy (hereby referred to as TTSS for simplicity’s sake) is one of those films you just know is going to be of a certain calibre. It’s got an impressive cast list, boasting the some of the best thespians Britain has to offer and is based on the well-known and super respectable John Le Carré novel about grimy Cold War dealings, betrayal and intrigue. It’s sort of like The Expendables for readers of The Daily Telegraph.

The film is set in the middle of Cold War-era Britain. After a supposed covert mission goes awry, British intelligence head honcho Control (John Hurt) and his right-hand man, George Smiley (Gary Oldman) are sacked. However, when rumblings of a Soviet mole start becoming louder, the higher-ups bring back Smiley to track down the traitor in his old organisation where no-one can be trusted and everyone is a suspect. The plot demands full audience attention. This isn’t one of those films you can nip out for a quick piss and come back having not missed anything important. Whilst it takes a while to get going, the film is tense and compelling for the most part. There are many twists and turns, but it all ultimately settles down to a satisfying conclusion. The cast are the main strength here, mixing seasoned veterans such as Oldman and Hurt with younger, almost household name actors such as Tom Hardy and Benedict Cumberbatch. The cast is superb without exception. Even the secondary players such as Kathy Burke and Roger “Trigger” Lloyd-Pack leave a lasting impression in their limited screen time. Oldman turns in a reserved performance, very rarely raising his voice and always seeming detached from his surroundings.

There were a couple of plot highlights for me, but I’d rather not spoil them as the film’s got that whole “web of intrigue” thing goin’ on. I will say I especially enjoyed Tom Hardy’s performance as Ricki Tarr and I thought Mark Strong was fantastic as Jim Prideaux. Cough, cough birdonfire cough.

“For twenty-five years we’ve been the only thing standing between Moscow and the Third World War!”

Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy is a strange one. I ended up really enjoying it, but I had one or two niggles with it that a lot of the gushing reviews (note to self: “gushing reviews” would make a great name for an adult movie review site) didn’t mention. The film crams in a hell of a lot of plot into its 127 minutes and as such, the film can feel like a dense, impenetrable mass. Having no prior knowledge of the characters, I found it hard to follow in places, something which was not helped by the massive cast of recognisable faces and the multiple flashbacks for each character. Mood is something the film does extremely well, with director Tomas Alfredson giving us a bleak and grim take on ’70s Britain. In summary, it’s a fantastically well-made film, with some top drawer performances and some great moody cinematography. All the glowing reviews had me expecting this film to truly blow me away, but I walked away merely entertained. I get the feeling I’ll need to see it again to really make up my mind about it. As a knee-jerk reaction though, it’ll have to be this for now:

Fright Night (2011)

Straight off the bat, let me just say a couple of things that may or may not change your opinion on the rest of my review. Firstly, I haven’t seen the original 1985 film. From what I can gather with minimal Internet research, it’s a fairly schlocky light horror/comedy film with the exact premise this one has. Personally, I only know it from the fact that the VHS cover used to scare me when I was a kid. Secondly, if you’re a newcomer to this hateful little slice of the ‘Net, you should know that horror and I don’t exactly get on. With most “scary” films, I find my eyes are rolling too much to focus on the fact that Nubile Teen #3 just got her throat ripped out by a bloody fog monster or other somesuch nonsense. Therefore, I tend to approach a film that proudly wears its “’80s horror remake” badge alongside its neon “I’m in 3D Muthafuckers!” one with the same enthusiasm as I would a proffered toenail and pre-cum panini.

Teenaged Charley Brewster (Anton Yelchin) has had a recent reversal of fortune. He’s dumped his geek friends, including bespectacled dork Ed (Christopher Mintz-Plasse) and is now going out with a hot, popular girl Amy (Imogen Poots) and enjoying all the perks that come with it. All of this starts to change when Jerry (Colin Farrell) moves into the neighbourhood and Brewster’s suspicions start to grow that not only are vampires real, he may be living next door to one. Out of desperation, Charley turns to Vegas occult showman Peter Vincent (David Tennant) to help with this unusual, but frightening turn of events. The film plays the whole “vampire living next door” thing with the tongue-in-cheek irreverence one would expect from such a daft premise. Overall, the story was alright but it had a slightly parodic edge to it which I liked. The cast are fine. Yelchin proves to be a likeable, if not relatable, lead. Poots isn’t given much more to do than look pretty and Mintz-Plasse is doing his McLovin routine, which he has down to a fine art. The main talking points though will be Farrell and Tennant. I thought Farrell was great, clearly having fun as the predatory Jerry. I liked Tennant, but just wished he was given better jokes and had done something more than giving a Russell Brand-esque performance where there are no real punchlines outside of swearing.

There are a couple of things that caught me off-guard in this film. Maybe it’s because we’ve all become used to pussy sparkling vampires, but this incarnation has significantly more bite (excuse the pun, I can’t think of a better way to describe it). Jerry is a fucking vicious creature and is responsible for most of the unsettling moments. I also liked the fact that the film didn’t waste time setting up its own take on the vampire tropes. It assumes you know all the classic preventions and ways of dispatching the bloodsuckers and just gets on with it. I can respect that. The way the film is shot is surprisingly decent too. Way better than one would expect for a horror remake. There’s a claustrophobic 360 degree shot in a car that stood out to me, although it loses some points considering it was augmented with CGI. The one in Children of Men was all practical and was much more effective. The film manages to be visually interesting and not hindered by being in 3D, which is an achievement.

So, the million-dollar question: it is scary? Well, not really. There are a few jump scares and the the film makes use of the completely unnecessary “third dimension” by having blood spatter occasionally. This isn’t a hardcore pants-shitter, but I was slightly disappointed by the distinct lack of “fright”. I was also really put off by the first 15 mins of the film. The dialogue was so fucking contrived and unnatural I felt like getting up from my seat and storming out, slapping any people who seemed to be enjoying it as I passed. Luckily for me and my currently unsullied police record, the film got better. Whilst I wasn’t scared by it, I still enjoyed it. Tennant and Farrell certainly make proceedings more entertaining and I felt the film lift when one or both of them were on-screen. The ending is a bit poor and has a perfect example of a Deus ex machina if ever I saw one. Without giving too much away, I liked the grim direction certain things were heading and to have it all magically resolve itself was a let-down.

So yeah, despite being a horror, a horror remake and being in fuckmothering 3D, Fright Night won me over. It’s not bad at all and way better than I was expecting it to be. Most of the issues I had with dialogue and plot were balanced out by the lead performances. It’s fun enough, but is hardly going to feature on my list of “Favouritest Films Evaarrrr”.

  

From a financial standpoint, the answer is obvious, but from an artistic stance the question “Why?” overpowers anything Alien: Resurrection brings to the party. This film did not need to exist. Fair enough, Alien 3 was a bit of a damp squib to go out on, but still- all the important shit happened. Ripley died. That was it- nothing more needed to be said. It was a downer, but the Alien films have never been all sunshine and rainbows. Was this meant to kick off a whole new bunch of films? If so, how? I suppose it’s darkly coincidental Resurrection was actually the death knell for the franchise, but hey, I’m in danger of coming across as a chin-stroking ponce, so let’s review this mother!

“Hey, son, I’ll give ya my authorization code. It’s E-A-T, M-E.”

So, it’s 200 years after the events of Alien 3 and we rejoin Ellen Ripley (Sigourney Weaver) after she recovers from her apparently mild case of death by fucking hot molten lead. However, this Ripley is a clone, made by scientists who show no regard for morals and/or ethics and who have also been breeding and experimenting on the Alien species. A ragtag bunch of sort-of space pirates, including the hulking Johner (Ron Perlman) and the impish Call (Winona Ryder) arrive just in time for the alien experimentation to predictably blow up in everyone’s faces. Now it’s up to Ripley 8 and the crew to stop the hungry, hungry Aliens from arriving on Earth. The plot’s enjoyable until the third act and has a much better story focus than Alien 3. Sigourney Weaver’s decent, but her being in it feels like fan service. Having said that, it is interesting to see her not be the out-and-out goodie we’ve come to know her as and play with an new, morally ambiguous element not present in the previous installments. Ron Perlman is here to gruffly say one-liners and look like he’s carved from a particularly pissed-off cliff face, which he does admirably. I’m not sure about Winona Ryder’s inclusion. She’s perfectly alright and, as the film charmingly puts it, “severely fuckable” but I just don’t think there was much need for her unique brand of wide-eyed Disney-esque empathy. This is an Alien film after all. Quick mention of Brad Dourif as Dr. Gediman, if only for the (thankfully) screen separated Alien kiss scene.

Resurrection certainly looks like an Alien film. The film goes back with the classic dark, grimy spaceships and it works. Whilst Alien 3 was a nice departure (at least in regards to setting)  it’s good to see Resurrection return to the series hallmarks. Whilst I’m not sure about another Alien redesign and certainly not a fan of the eggs getting a make-over, the Alien effects are the best in the series and still hold up fairly well today. It’s great to see them properly in motion, rather than having to rely on quick shots so as not to give away the fact that it’s a tall man with thin arms in a rubber suit. The underwater scene is especially impressive in this respect.

“Ellen Ripley died trying to wipe this species out. For all intents and purposes, she succeeded.”

So yeah, Alien: Resurrection. It’s OK in the same way Alien 3 was. There are a few good bits/good ideas (I love the scene with the captives held over the eggs, it’s bloody creepy) but it’s a frustrating experience. It is more entertaining than Alien 3, but doesn’t feel as kosher as Fincher’s did. It’s not terrible, but nowhere near as good as the first two films.

Of all the releases this summer, Cowboys & Aliens looked the most likely to be a knockabout fun romp. It’s got a ridiculous premise, that ridiculous title, the director of insanely enjoyable Iron Man behind it and it had a good trailer, promising big effects and explosions. I often talk about films getting mixed reviews, but the ratings of Cowboys & Aliens are polar opposites. So what’s the definitive answer? I’m not quite arrogant enough to dogmatically tell you, however, I can do what I always do and post my thoughts below like they mean something.

The year is 1873. We open in the outback where a man, bearing a striking resemblance to Daniel Craig, wakes up with a wounded side, a fancy, futuristic bracelet on his wrist and plot-convenient amnesia. He moseys on into the nearest town, Absolution, which is practically run by grizzled, grouchy sonuvvabitch Woodrow Dolarhyde (Harrison Ford). Soon, the amnesiac discovers his name is Jake Lonergan and he’s wanted by local law enforcement. Not only that, but Lonergan starts flashing back to being abducted by “demons” (disproving my initial explanation for his injury, strange, gaudy wristwear and memory loss being that he’d attended a Scouse wedding) .The “demons” attack Absolution and abduct a few of the townsfolk, causing Lonergan, Dolarhyde and most of the surviving townspeople including the mysterious Ella (Olivia Wilde) and town bartender Doc (Sam Rockwell) to saddle up and pursue those alien bastards. The story is solid, but not what I was expecting. The film plays everything with a more serious edge than I anticipated. I thought Daniel Craig was decent- although his ‘merican accent kept distracting me. Harrison Ford was also good as Dolarhyde. He was mostly playing himself, but the character is surprisingly unsympathetic. I liked Olivia Wilde and Sam Rockwell too, but this paragraph’s gone on for way too long.

To be honest, I think that the film’s biggest weakness is the title itself. “Cowboys & Aliens” sounds like a parodic title like Snakes on a Plane or Lesbian Vampire Killers. I realise it’s based on a comic book series of the same name, but I think the combination of the title coupled with the trailer is selling the film short. The opening 20 minutes or so could have easily been the start of a modern Western. We have the outsider coming into town, we meet the town preacher and bartender along the way and the outsider sorts out a town problem in the form of Paul Dano and his gang (I was actually a bit disappointed with Paul Dano- I wanted him to be a proper baddie, but he turns into his go-to role of a whiny bitch before too long. It’s a good trick, I just wish he wouldn’t do it in every film I’ve seen him in.). Then the aliens show up and the film turns into the odd genre mashup that it is. I actually find the concept to be really interesting. I’m sick of aliens invading modern day Earth, blowing up famous landmarks and the like. Cowboys & Aliens both asks and answers the question “What the shit would happen if aliens invaded the Old West?”. At the very least you can give it points for originality.

The film’s more character driven than I was expecting. It purposefully takes its time with getting to know the inhabitants of Absolution before the extra-terrestrial shite hits the fan. There were a couple of really feckin’ obvious signposted subplots early doors that annoyed me slightly. For instance, if you cannot guess what ultimately happens to the character of Doc, after it has been made abundantly clear that he cannot shoot a rifle accurately, you have not seen a piece of populist entertainment for the past 30 years. I thought the effects were good and thankfully used sparingly. The action was also decent, with a huge battle between alien scout ships and horse mounted cowboys being my personal highlight, although I must say some of the early Craig fistfighting was really enjoyable too. The fighting is a lot more visceral than the 12A certificate might suggest. It’s not a kids’ movie. If they’re not scarred by the violence, they’ll be bored by the dialogue-heavy slower scenes.

I can see why Cowboys & Aliens is dividing opinion. It plays the ludicrous central idea dead-straight and rather po-faced, which I get the feeling may turn off some people. I really enjoyed it for what it was. I got a real kick out of the clash of the genres, was entertained by the leads and was impressed with the action. It’s an odd film, but it features my new favourite thing – a dynamite knife. I simply can’t think of a better way to say “fuck you” to an alien invader than stabbing them with a knife that will then blow up. Whilst I half wish the film had just simply been a modern Western starring Craig and Ford, I think that Favreau did a damn good job in taking on a strange property and having the nads to play it serious. It definitely won’t be for everyone, but it was for me.