If you’ve read any of my stuff before, you’ll likely know my position on 3D and all the stuff that goes with it. If not, here’s a quick rundown. It’s a pointless gimmick that can’t die out soon enough. I don’t care if you bring up Hugo or Life of Pi – just because a couple of films work against the odds, it doesn’t justify the rest being a pile of crusty old toss. It’s still a bunch of overpriced nonsense that serves as something shiny to get the magpie public to waddle in to cinemas. If you disagree it’s because a) you aren’t a film fan and are just interested in surface gloss and visuals or b) you’ve sold your firstborn to get a 3D set-up at home and don’t want to think your partner left you because you bet your chips on a doomed format. I’ve been there, man. I was Team HD-DVD for a while. It’s alright, you can cry on my shoulder. Let it all out big guy. Anyway- that got away from me. That whole thing is a debate for another time.
What I’m really here to talk about is G.I. Joe: Retaliation, which is currently chundering up the box office. In case you’re not aware, Retaliation was originally slated to come out last year and was delayed 9 months in order to post-convert it into 3D. I was one of the three people who saw the first one and it was a colostomy bag of vapid shite, CGI sheen and Transformers wannabe-ism, so hopes weren’t high for the sequel, despite them bringing in Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson and Bruce Willis.
With the film practically in the can, some coked-up douchebag insisted it be in 3D and here we are. Just because the film isn’t awards material doesn’t mean it doesn’t have a responsibility to its audience. I dare say that there are people out there who loved the first one and couldn’t wait to see where their loveable band of forgettable, barely-there characters went next. “Fuck them!”,comes the booming voice from Olympus, “delay and dimensionalise! Basically, they’re showing open contempt for their audience. It’s being marketed as GI Joe 3D and it fills me with anger each time. I can’t stress this enough, I don’t personally care about the sequel delay or about the franchise as a whole. What I do care about is what it represents. The depressing fact is that their little 3D-ifying gamble worked, with Retaliation clocking up a $130 million global haul in its opening week. Even taking into account the fact that fewer people may have seen it at higher cost, that’s still an impressive number and I hate everyone who handed that money over willingly. It’s like paying to have your food spat in.
“But it’s just a bit of dumb fun” and other arguments don’t cut it this time. They don’t care about entertaining you. They care about seducing you into a cinema seat and sucking your wallet dry. Didn’t like the film? Tough shit. They’ve got your cash and there’s nothing you can do about it. I would have loved to have seen this film bomb right through the floor because these shitty business practices are ensuring that ticket prices are high and you get less for that premium. Unfortunately, the general fucking public had other ideas. “Less for more” is going to become Hollywood’s anthem in the coming years, trust me. The filmmakers don’t really care about reviews. What they’re going to learn from this is that the public will eat up and pay over the odds for any old shite even if it’s compromised to fuck and been delayed to buggery. The public have taught Hollywood that it’s financially sound to delay a film just so it can be put through a computer. I think it’s fucking disgusting. If you don’t care about any of this and think I’m making a mountain out of a molehill, fine. Just don’t come crying to me when you have to mortgage your goddamn house to see G.I. Joe 3: Holy Shit I Can’t Believe We Got Away With It.