Meet the Spartans

I’ve had some very positive feedback on this site so far, which is nice. However, the one criticism of it is that I’ve been too positive i.e. only reviewing good films. I hold my hands up to this, I have. I realise that if I want to be taken seriously I have to give something a certificate in shittiness. Well, here goes:

Meet The Spartans (2008)

I remember a time when there were such things as good parodies. “Airplane!” and “The Naked Gun” are both great. Hell, even “Austin Powers: International Man of Mystery” was pretty good. This film isn’t. It is so awful I think I may have dropped a couple of points I.Q. wise.

“Stop kicking people into the pit of death! Honestly!”

I know it’s not exactly hard to rag on a film like this. The thing that gets to me, apart from it being as funny as a kitten with cancer, is that it believes that it’s funny. I cannot express how fucking infuriating that is. I watched the film online for free and I still feel cheated .The other thing that pisses me off is that it made $84,558,676 worldwide at the Box Office. 84 million Dollars?! FUCK OFF. That statistic depresses me beyond belief.

I am being completely honest when I say that whilst watching this I had to stop myself from closing the window and getting on with something less painful many times over. Yes, we get it. “300” was pretty homoerotic. Yes, Lindsay Lohan has been in rehab a couple of times. Yes, Paris Hilton is dumb. These are things we know and have known for a long time. I think I object to the fact that the film treats you like a moron from the off. So far as to have all the other characters announce the “celebrity” who is being portrayed- “Paris Hilton?!” etc.

Thing is, even the parodying is lazy. Parody as a genre already teeters on the edge of Cheapknockoffsville just to make a quick buck. However, when someone literally trips over a “Transformer Cube” you know that you’re in trouble. The film made it personal when it lazily chucked out a “Casino Royale” torture scene parody. Oh, and that Britney Spears bit where she’s kicked down the pit? Tasteless. I’m not a huge Britney fan, but c’mon- the woman clearly has mental health issues. At the risk of sounding Chris Crocker-like (yes, that also makes an appearance) leave her alone.

“I’m a Hilton, I don’t bow… but I do bend over. “

Thing is, the idea itself isn’t all bad. Well, I wouldn’t have given it the “300” setting, but it is important to realise that films today tend to take themselves very seriously, even the ones with ridiculous elements (I’m looking at you “The Dark Knight”). Parody when done well is one of the greatest forms of comedy in my opinion. It’s witty and cutting when done properly. This is just a lazy piece of shit thrown together with as many pop culture references as they can fit in. Even when they do reference, that’s as far as it goes- no in depth humourous observations or anything.
Crap like this shows no sign of slowing down either. They are ridiculously cheap to make and always have a huge turnover at the cinema. I mean “Disaster Movie” was recently released and I’m sure there will be another one along soon. They make rubbish like this and there’s still no sequel to the godly “Serenity”-there is no justice in the World. Still, if you want a “Disaster Movie” review, you know what to do.

A rating? I’m going to have to give it nothing, nada, zilch. It simply doesn’t deserve one.

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