Category: Review

The Rocketeer

 
I’m not the man they think I am at home…
 
 

 The Rocketeer (1991)

I’m back, baby! Expect regular burblings from now on. Anyway, do any of you people remember Disney’s The Rocketeer? For me, it became a childhood classic. I’d taped it off the TV and watched the damn thing to the point of knackeration. After seeing it pop up as a limited release on Blu-ray, I jumped at the chance having not seen the film for close to 20 years, eager to see if it still holds up. You know what? It’s still bloody brilliant.

“[donning the Rocketeer helmet] How do I look?”

“Like a hood ornament.”

Set in 1938, The Rocketeer tells the story of stunt pilot Cliff Secord (Billy Campbell). After having their hopes of glory and fortune shattered, Secord and his mentor “Peevy” (Alan Arkin) find a top secret rocket pack prototype by chance and discover it’s been designed and built by Howard Hughes (Terry O’Quinn). Seeing an opportunity to make some much needed money, they hang on to it, keeping it a secret from everybody, including Secord’s actress girlfriend Jenny Blake (Jennifer Connelly). The pair aren’t the only ones interested in taking to the skies, however, as Hollywood A-Lister Neville Sinclair (Timothy Dalton) has hired the mob to retrieve the rocket for himself. Meanwhile, Secord’s antics earn him the attention of the press, who start printing fevered acticles about this new, exciting and mysterious Rocketeer and it soon becomes the talk of the town. Cue lots of whizz bang action an’ shit.

In a move that John Carter would repeat 20 years later and pay a similar price for, The Rocketeer was controversial for not having a “proper” star in the lead role. Actor Billy Campbell was cast despite being an unknown. As a kid, I never understood why Campbell wasn’t the most famous actor ever. He was a good looking guy with the reluctant hero thing down pat. Looking on with adult eyes, his performance is still a fine one, although he looks distractingly like a mix between Crispin Glover in Back to the Future and Ryan Reynolds. Alan Arkin does well as Peevy, giving us a stock mentor character that crucially doesn’t feel like a stock mentor character. The lovely Jennifer Connelly lovelies stuff up as Jenny Blake. Despite her character veering into standard damsel-in-distress territory at the end, she gives a memorable turn. Star of the show for me is Timothy Dalton as the Errol Flynn-a-like, Neville Sinclair. I love him in this film.  Whereas most actors would look at the script and play the role a bit tongue in cheek, Dalton commits to the role 100% and gives us a proper sleazy bastard to boo and hiss at.

The Rocketeer is a simple story, but it’s done very well. If you’re still struggling to picture what exactly The Rocketeer is all about, think Iron Man set in the Thirties with the pulp adventure tone of Raiders of the Lost Ark thrown in. It’s exactly as fun as that all sounds too. I’m happy to own up to my own bias as me and this film got history, yo. However, I feel The Rocketeer is exactly the sort of blockbuster they just don’t make any more. It has a very strong story focus with careful attention paid to characters. The film is chock full of foreshadowing, thematic links and everything else that makes a film a satisfying watch. Back in the ’90s, it may have been overlooked as simply being a run-of-the-mill functional blockbuster- today it looks like Citizen Goddamn Kane in comparison to most of the high budget dreck spunked into theatres.

The Rocketeer is a fascinating case study as if it had released about 10 years later, it would have fallen in line with the superhero trend and would have done a lot better than it ended up doing. When it came out back in the dizzle, it flopped pretty damn hard, despite a huge marketing push. It did particularly terribly in Britain, barely scraping £1 million over two weeks. Despite mentioning Iron Man, there’s a superhero film that resembles The Rocketeer even more. You heard of a small film called Captain Titfuckin’ America? Yeah. Both are directed by Joe Johnston and both have that lovely period feel to them. One of the things I loved about Captain America was how earnest everything was. Everything’s played straight down the line without a trace of the sort of cynicism and audience second-guessing that poisons modern blockbusters. The same is true with The Rocketeer. It’s a classic Boys’ Own adventure flick.

Despite ILM’s effects work being dated, the action still packs a punch. The flying scenes are fun and the grand finale aboard, in and outside of a huge Zeppelin is brilliant. I like the fact that Secord isn’t a superpowered badass when he straps on the rocket, he’s a squishy, easily hurt human being like the rest of us with an unpredictable combustible machine strapped to his back. It adds a real element of peril to the action sequences. The film’s slightly goofy at times and the lumbering character of Lothar (“Tiny” Ron Taylor) doesn’t really work. It’s a strange cartoony element that is at odds with the rest of the film. Maybe the comic does a better job.

“Prepare yourself for a shock: I’m the Rocketeer.”

“The Rocke-who?”

“Oh, for crying out loud, haven’t you read the paper?!”

“No, I’ve been working all day.”

We don’t have any quality control as kids. We’ll enjoy any old shit when it’s on. A childhood classic that is still enjoyable and watchable years later once you’ve had all your childish innocence and enthusiasm knocked out of you by a harsh, uncaring world is a very rare thing indeed. There’s been talk of a remake/belated sequel to The Rocketeer for a few years now. I’m usually against remakes on principle, but I’d be delighted if Disney announced they were doing something with it. Anyway, seek it out if you can. It’s a blast. (That’s not a rocket pun by the way, I’ve just used up all my brain power and it’s the only word I can think of that aptly describes what it is. I’m doing this extended bit in brackets because I couldn’t just end a review on something that could be interpreted as a shitty pun. Savvy?)

The Lone Ranger

 
The Tone Ranger
 
 

The Lone Ranger (2013)

 

Much like John Carter before it, the main story about The Lone Ranger is how much money it lost for Disney. It’s a certifiable flop. I wanted to see the film anyway, but the news of it stinking up the box office made me want to see it all the more. Perhaps I have some vulture in me on my mother’s side. I finally got to check it out this evening and I was left with a head full of questions. Not exactly the reaction you want from a popcorn summer movie.

“It was a ranger, riding a white horse. Got some lunatic Indian with him. They’re coming for you.“

The Lone Ranger starts off in 1933, where a young boy in Ranger costume visits a fun fair and a Wild West sideshow. In the exhibit, he finds a geriatric Tonto (Johnny Depp) who regales the kid with a story about the famed Lone Ranger and his adventures with him. We flash back to the 1800s where we see an idealistic lawyer named John Reid (Armie Hammer) return to the small town of Colby. After an ambush that leaves Reid, his brother and his posse dead, John somehow wakes up, leading Tonto to believe he is a “spirit walker”, someone who can’t be killed in battle. The duo team up to take down the outlaw Butch Cavendish (William Fichtner) ,a man with a penchant for eating people’s hearts, and soon discover evil and corruption run a lot deeper than a simple insane cannibal. It’s a fairly decent story, but it needlessly complicated for something that you’d expect to be a classic goodies vs. baddies affair. Johnny Depp plays Tonto like another one of his wacky characters and he’s likeable in the role, although it does teeter on the edge of racial insensitivity. Armie Hammer is also decent as John Reid/The Ranger, but is just another classically good-looking lead with not much going on. I think he’s got some real comic timing, but the script doesn’t really give him enough to work with. The duo of Hammer and Depp works well though and makes up for a lot of the plodding pace. William Fichtner is having all sorts of fun as Butch Cavendish and Helena Bonham Carter shows up because if she’s ever more than a few feet from Johnny Depp at any one time, she’ll explode with the force of a Megaton bomb. Probably.

Cynicism is something that hangs over all aspects of The Lone Ranger. Firstly, it has to be said that nobody has given a fuck about The Lone Ranger for decades. However, aspects of the show are still ingrained in pop culture and as such there is some name recognition and goodwill associated with the property, so they felt it was ripe for a big screen adaptation. It’s scraping the bottom of the barrel. That’s not to say they can’t take it and do something fun with it, it just strikes me as the result of a desperate 3 A.M. “bloodshot eyes and overfull ashtray” type meeting at the House of Mouse. This cynicism bleeds in to the actual product too. Apparently, it’s no longer the done thing to have a simple good vs. bad story. It has to be buried by things like revenge, greed, double-crossing, politics and all that fun stuff that kids definitely understand and seek out. I’d have thought that with something like The Lone Ranger, that would have been a given, but what do I know? Something struck me on the way home. I realised that only a select few of this generation of blockbusters will be remembered for years to come like the big event films from previous decades are. It’s almost as if they’re purposely designed to neatly slide off your brain without leaving any real impression. Maybe that’s why modern parody films suck so much. Maybe it’s because there’s nothing fresh or iconic to latch onto and start having fun with. Just a thought.

Unfortunately, Pirates of the Caribbean hacks Ted Elliot and Terry Rossio were brought on for this film and they show no sign of returning to their golden age of Shrek, The Road to El Dorado and Curse of the Black Pearl. You can tell Lone Ranger was written by the same gormless wankers that wrote shit like At World’s End. Lone Ranger actually has a clearer story than any of the Pirates sequels, but it’s weighed down by pointless scenes, crappy jokes and a lack of spark to the dialogue. It’s a bloated mess at times and certainly runs for too long. Helena Bonham Carter’s appearance is completely superfluous and pertains to a whole brothel sequence that didn’t need to be there at all. The main problem though is tone. I keep banging on about tone like people care and many don’t understand what the hell I’m talking about. Thing is, I can point to The Lone Ranger as a handy example from now on. One would assume that the target audience for the film would be families with slightly older kids, the same as the Pirates movies. However, this film keeps flitting between fun, knockabout action to some surprisingly dark shit. You’ve got Cavendish eating people’s hearts and a big war between the Comanches and the army that results in many violent, brutal deaths. It’s really odd. I’ve heard people say it’s too dark for kids, but I remember watching Temple of Doom at a young age and that has all sorts of dark business going on. The difference is that Temple of Doom had a consistent tone. Lone Ranger doesn’t know what the fuck its doing and alternates between the two modes scene to scene, resulting in you feeling disconnected from all the colour and noise happening on screen.

It’s not all bad. There is some fun to be had. As I said, the Depp/Hammer team works and the action can be fun. It’s well directed by Verbinski and has some gorgeous classic Old West vistas to appreciate. Perhaps the film’s saving grace is the climactic train sequence which is scored by Hans Zimmer’s brilliant reorchestrated William Tell Overture. Yeah, it’s manipulative but it elevates things by a huge margin. Even without the score, the scene is bucketloads of fun and features some amazing stunts and classic bits of derring-do. This is exactly the kind of thing I wanted from a Lone Ranger film. I found myself thinking why the whole fucking film couldn’t have been like the finale and it made me a bit sad. I was actually thrilled by the sequence, but it took so goddamn long to get there, it didn’t really feel worth it.

“Never take off the mask.”

So, The Lone Ranger. I enjoyed it in places, but it’s just another convoluted, turgid mess of a film posing as dumb entertainment. I love blockbusters with a passion that sometimes borders on the erotic, but I’m finding myself annoyed and disappointed by the big budget stable more often than not.  I want to have fun whilst watching a film like this, but apparently that’s too much to ask. I was left feeling rather hollow by the whole experience and if I wanted to feel that, I’d stare at my phone for two and a half hours, wondering why the girls aren’t calling. At least that way I’d have saved myself the best part of a tenner.

Elysium

 
#OccupyElysium
 

Elysium (2013)

I’ve been looking forward to Elysium for a long damn time. District 9 blew my mind when I saw it back in 2009. It was a fresh, compelling, brilliant piece of sci-fi that, to my mind at least, hasn’t been equalled by much since. Writer/director Niell Blomkamp has been disappointingly quiet since then, but thankfully he’s back with another true blue science fiction title with an actual brain.

“They will hunt you to the edge of the Earth for this.”

Elysium is set in 2154. Earth is now choked with pollution, disease and overpopulation. The wealthy and privileged got the fuck out of Dodge and live aboard Elysium, a utopian space station full of lush plant life, massive mansions and, crucially, amazing healthcare that can eradicate cancer, reconstruct grievous injuries and basically fix any ailment going. Matt Damon stars as Max Da Costa, a working stiff with a criminal past who dreams of leaving the dusty, grotty Earth behind and living on Elysium. However, Elysian Secretary of Defence, Jessica Delacourt (Jodie Foster) exists to keep a lid on immigration and will viciously protect its borders. After Max absorbs a lethal amount of radiation in an accident at work, his pipe dreams become imperative as he needs Elysium’s healthcare to survive. He pulls one last job in an effort to buy his way onto the space habitat and ends up with childhood friend Frey (Alice Braga) and her sick daughter in tow. Things get more complicated when Elysian agent and violent psychopath Kruger (Sharlto Copley) is sent to hunt Max down.

It may be set in the future, but Elysium‘s themes and social commentary are ripped straight from the present. Things like immigration, the gulf between rich and poor and socialised healthcare are all woven into the story. I would say that Elysium is quite an angry film at heart as is certainly not afraid to confront the audience with the points it wants to make and some uncomfortable truths. Matt Damon is on form here as Max. He’s a likable, sympathetic character that you really feel for. Damon is a damn fine actor and continues to be great in everything I see him in. Same can’t be said for Jodie Foster. I’m not quite sure if she remembers how to act. She’s normally decent, but it seems like she’s gone for cold and removed with Delacourt, overshot the acting sweet spot and ended up next to comatose. The polar opposite of that is Sharlto Copley, who plays the insane and dangerous Kruger with a sick glee. He’s seriously intimidating in this film and it’s another big fat tick in the “Sharlto Copley is the best thing ever” column. He owns the film. I liked Alice Braga’s role. She plays a similar character to the one she played in 2007’s I Am Legend and it works just as well here. You immediately root for her. Props go to William Fichtner’s oily CEO too. What a rat bastard.

As a writer, Blomkamp reminds me of Andrew Niccol. They both usually have a serious social/political point to make which acts as the core for when they’re making a film. They also can both be a little heavy-handed in making that point. Thematically, Elysium is similar to Niccol’s In Time as they both deal with the rich and poor divide and have a Robin Hood/giving back to the masses vibe. Directorially, Blomkamp stands alone. He’s an innovative, intelligent director who manages to inject his films with a energy and heft. He’s great at visuals too. There’s an amazing slo-mo shot of a bodyguard droid getting torn apart by airbursting, splitting rounds that’s absolutely gorgeous. Elysium itself is fantastically designed too. It’s a 2001-esque rotating wheel that’s like Beverly Hills inside. Unlike most modern sci-fis Elysium takes its time building its world and it pays off. The slums of Earth feel very real and Elysium has an intentional artificiality and has a real Stepford feel to it.

Action meatheads like m’self will be gratified to know that Elysium isn’t like a flat Powerpoint presentation of all that is wrong with the world. The film has some kick-ass action sequences too, that prove to be thrilling. Most of the fun is thanks to the awesome sci-fi weaponry and Max’s exoskeleton rig which grants him superhuman strength. Seriously, can Blomkamp do a videogame or two, please? The fun, gory weapons in this and District 9 would be perfect for a game. Somebody call him. Anyway, the action feels like it happens organically, almost as if the story came first and action beats were added where it made sense. Fancy that! Fancy not starting with action sequences and then trying to tie them all together somehow.  As with District 9, the effects are amazing and often border on photo-realism. A character has to have pretty severe reconstructive surgery at one point and I was stunned at how amazing and convincing the effects were.

If I had to pick holes in it (and I do, it’s kinda my thing), I would say that Elysium isn’t without its problems. It took me a while to get properly into it, although I’m not sure why. I was appreciating the acting/effects whatever, but I didn’t feel actually involved in it all until later in the film. Perhaps a second viewing would clear that up. Whilst not bashing you over the head with its message like the first half of District 9 did, it still bangs on about its messages a little too much where a deft touch would have sufficed. I suppose this is to really spell these important issues out for the plebs out there. Elysium succumbs to a trend that I’ve noticed in quite a few recent films- clumsy flashbacks and pointless reminders. I’m being intentionally vague here, but we flash back at a pivotal moment in the film to a moment we’ve already seen and should have taken on board. To me, it slightly ruined the moment as the film didn’t have enough confidence in the audience to remember something that happened in the first half of the film. Instead of concluding a thematic arc quietly and neatly, it instead has to draw attention to it through a neon bullhorn, which tarnished the scene slightly.

“”There’s nothing left down here. They have it all on Elysium, food, water, medicine, and they’ll do anything to keep us out. It’s time to change everything.”

Go and see Elysium. It’s a smart, enjoyable sci-fi piece that has a lot to say for itself. After a disappointing summer, Elysium is a breath of fresh air. I look forward to 2015’s Chappie (also starring Sharlto “The Man” Copley) with great anticipation. Highly recommended.

Percy Jackson: Sea of Monsters

 
Sophomore slump.
 

Percy Jackson: Sea of Monsters (2013)

 

I miss Twilight and Harry Potter. I miss Potter because of its quality and I miss Twilight because it was a phenomena I understood, even if I wasn’t its biggest fan. We’re now in a world full of Potter and Twilight pretenders where there are only a few established teen fantasy series left and of those only The Hunger Games is any good. Everything else is a faltering attempt to try and kickstart a franchise and make piles of “fuck you” money. Having rated the first one, I was quite excited to see where the series goes. Would it go darker like so many second parts before it? Turns out, no. It’ll just stop trying.

“Couldn’t find any decent quotes, but it’s no big loss.”

We rejoin Percy Jackson (Logan Lerman) at Camp Half Blood, where he’s training hard to prove he’s not a “one quest wonder”. He’s again joined by pals Annabeth (Alexandra Daddario) and Grover (Brandon T. Jackson) and together they have to re-establish the life-saving magical barrier around the camp by finding the legendary Golden Fleece. It’s not as simple as all that though as the camp’s top warrior, the combative Clarisse (Leven Rambin), has already been sent out to find it. Percy learns he has a half brother in the form of awkward cyclops Tyson (Douglas Smith) and the four have to sneak out. Traitor Luke (Jake Abel) meanwhile has plans to reawaken Kronos, the baddest god of them all, and destroy Olympus. Well, shit. The story’s solid enough but it can’t help but feel like it’s going through the motions. The leads are pretty bland this time round and it’s hard to care about Percy or his cohorts, although Brandon T. Jackson is trying his best with the sloppy material. The only bright spot come from the adult camp, where Stanley Tucci and Anthony Head (replacing Pierce Brosnan) do good work as mentors for the heroing kids. Nathan Fillion shows up as Hermes and improves things immensely for the few minutes he’s around, even getting a laugh out of a lame self-referential Firefly gag.

The hiring of half-decent writer Marc Guggenheim to replace the hacktastic Craig TItley is good on paper, but turns out Guggenheim’s worse. The main problem with the film is the flaccid writing, with its plodabout questing, crappy jokes and boring functional lines used to dump exposition on the disinterested viewer. The first film, whilst not endlessly quotable, had some spark and had some energy to the dialogue, but this film ignores that and finds new levels of awful to plunder. I kept waiting for the interactions to become fun, but when I got to the climactic fairground scenes, I realised I was shit out of luck.  It had the same problem as Guggenheim’s Green Lantern, in which I wanted the writing to match the fun tone of the film. Dude wouldn’t know decent dialogue if it jumped up and bit him in the face. The character that personifies all this is Clarisse, who is just a cartoon sketch of an arrogant rival who has to take a hackneyed journey of personality and evolve into a reluctant ally. Neither mode is convincing and I found myself wondering if the character in the book is just as one-dimensional. Leven Rambin actually does a good job as her, but she needed decent lines and a clear arc to back up her performance.

The film starts off well enough with a fun training setpiece and an attack on the camp by a raging mechanical bull, but it soon unravels into a boring quest. After defending the first one from the Potter comparisons and insisting that it was better than a crappy rip-off, Sea of Monsters doesn’t leave me a leg to stand on by being hugely derivative to the point of distraction. There’s a scene where the gang hail a magical taxi that’s so similar to the Knight Bus sequence from Prisoner of Azkaban, I started to wonder if they were even trying at all and how soon Warner’s lawyers would be on the phone. A lot of the action involves unconvincingly rolling around backed by a greenscreen as as such ends up being pretty boring.The film ends with an uninspired showdown at an abandoned theme park and it was hard to shake the feeling that I’d seen it all before. During said scene, there’s a bit where the process of bringing Kronos back is almost complete. Instead of yanking the Golden Fleece off the ark (which looks suspiciously like the Ark of the Covenant), Percy chooses to patch things up with Tyson, hugging him right next to the fucking ark, still pissing golden magic into the sky. It’s just lazy. Reunions can happen later and nobody would choose to do it right then and there when there’s a chance to stop an ancient evil from coming back. I’ve said it before, but the dismissive argument that it’s “just a kids’ movie” doesn’t hold water. It doesn’t matter what age your audience is, they deserve a decent story in exchange for handing over their money. They held up their end of the bargain.

The one decent thing are the effects, with some decent CGI bringing some mythical creatures to life. The Hippocampus is a highlight as is the aforementioned metal bull. However, good effects do not make up for a crappy story and you’re left with a hollow shell of a film. I’m annoyed because the first film showed so much promise and had so much potential. I was eager to see more of the modern takes on Greek mythology, but was left wanting. The elements are still there, like the Golden Fleece, but they’re not done with the same panache as before. The direction by the fantastically named Thor Freundenthal is good enough, but the acting and writing need a real kick up the arse. If Sea of Monsters gets a sequel (although current box office numbers would suggest it won’t) I would start there as a priority. Maybe concentrate on the basics first Guggers, before you go setting up a sequel that probably won’t see the light of day.

“Fridge freezer for sale. Broken door and missing shelves, otherwise fine. £500 ONO”

I feel really let down by Sea of Monsters. It’s not completely terrible, but it doesn’t do enough to mark itself out from the slew of other teen fantasy films out there and gets lost in the shuffle. It’ll play well to its undemanding target audience, but to anyone else it’s a slog. Bah. I think the series author put it best. when informed that there’s a zombie character named after him in the film:

Percy Jackson and the Lightning Thief

 
Dawson’s Greek
 

 Percy Jackson & the Lightning Thief (2010)

 

Whenever I mention the Percy Jackson series to anyone over 15, I’m usually greeted with gormless blank stares or harsh judgement about the fact I want to talk about an apparently inconsequential Harry Potter rip-off.  Having not read the books, I can’t attest to how faithful the film is (although a leisurely browse through pages and pages of reviews titled things like “Did they even READ the fucking book?!” would suggest the answer) so I’m only going on what the film brings to the table.

“Give me the bolt, lightning thief.”

Percy Jackson & The Olympians: The Lightning Thief (known as the streamlined Percy Jackson & the Lightning Thief here in good ol’ Blighty) is shockingly about a kid named Percy Jackson (Logan Lerman), a seemingly average teen who finds out he’s the son of legendary Greek god Poseidon (Kevin McKidd). He’s whisked off to Camp Half Blood, a training ground for other demigods, by his pal Grover (Brandon T. Jackson) and discovers that he is blamed for stealing Zeus’ (Sean Bean) bolt, something which will start a war amongst the gods. Under the guidance of Mr. Brunner (Pierce Brosnan) and with the help of the kick-ass Annabeth (Alexandra Daddario), Percy embarks on a quest to prove his innocence and rescue his mother (Catherine Keener) from the clutches of Hades (Steve Coogan). Truth be told, Percy Jackson doesn’t really stray too far from the standard kid fantasy plot. Teen finds out he’s special, learns to harness that power, saves the world and promotes the hell out of the originating book series. Some of  the Potter comparisons do hold water, but I’ll get back to those in a minute. Logan Lerman is decent as Percy. He’s a bog-standard, good-looking lead and that’s fine for this sort of thing. Brandon T. Jackson impresses as the affable Satyr Grover and gets some choice lines. Alexandra Daddario is good too, but is mostly used as a love interest puppet rather that an actual human being (or demigod, whatever.) There’s some genius bits of casting. If you ever wanted to see a bearded Pierce Brosnan as a centaur, this is the film to hunt down. The burning question for me is how the production company got hold of my teenage sketchbook. Steve Coogan as a goth rock dad version of Hades is brilliant too. He’s not in it much though, but I feel any more screentime would have given him the ability to completely walk away with the film tucked under one arm. Uma Thurman also gets to ham things up as Medusa and Rosario Dawson is great in the limited role of Persephone.

So, back to all that “Boy Who Lived rip-off” shit.  It is true that Jeremy Paxman and the Frightening Queef shares some DNA with the boy wizard. Certainly, the very reason it was made was to give Fox a stab at the supernatural teen adventure franchise market. Christ, they even brought in Chris Columbus, director of the first two Potters to helm it. Thing is, as much as I love it, Potter wasn’t exactly 100% totally original to begin with. Take any ’80s kid fantasy film and shake it down to its bare bones and you’ll find the same thread that runs through Potter and Percy Jackson. To dismiss it as a simple rip-off is to do the film a disservice. It’s got much more going for it than a simple cashgrab. It plays with some decent ideas and contains some neat little twists on the familiar Greek myths. For instance, if you’re up on your myths, you’ll know that the gods were a randy lot of bastards who couldn’t keep in in their armoured pants. They would often visit Earth and impregnate mortals before buggering off back to Olympus, presumably out of the reach of any child payment responsibilities.  As such nearly all the campers at Camp Half Blood have absentee parents. As Hermes progeny Luke puts it: “Guess we all got daddy issues, huh?”

One of the highlights of the film for me was a scene at “Aunty Em’s Garden Emporium”, a dilapidated garden centre filled with suspiciously realistic stone statues. It manages to be creepy and fun in equal measures. It’s definitely better than the CGI overkill Medusa fight in the craptacular Clash of the Titans reheat, which also came out in 2010. Whilst the “whorish product placement” klaxon can be justifiably be sounded, I loved the neat little twist of Percy fighting Medusa via the reflection off the back of his iPod, rather than the customary mirrored shield. I’d be screwed in the same situation, the back of mine is scuffed to fuck. There’s also a fun scene in Vegas where our trio fully sample what casino life has to offer. It’s a nice spin on the Lotus-eaters of legend.

The film does have its problems. The screenplay and writing are rather perfunctory and aren’t anything to write home about, Then again, what would you expect from the writer of such classics as the live action Scooby-Doo, See Spot Run and Cheaper By The Dozen? It doesn’t really take any time to build palpable world and just shoves our main three heroes from one scene to the next with barely any time to develop.  Just because it’s a kids’ movie doesn’t mean you can’t flesh out your leads a bit.

“Be prepared. Everything is about to change, Percy.”

So, Percy Jackson. I like it very much. I’ve got a soft spot for Greek mythology anyway and as far as I can see, the film takes some of the classic stories and repackages them in an accessible, entertaining way. It’s not groundbreaking and certainly not essential viewing, but it’s an enjoyable film that doesn’t deserve the dismissive hand waves given to it by the majority of the critical sector.  Sea of Monsters next.

Alan Partridge: Alpha Papa

 
Back of the net, kiss my face, cashback,  Jurassic Park etc.
 

Alan Partridge: Alpha Papa (2013)

I’m always wary of feature-length adaptations of TV shows.  Often, the idea of a beloved TV character cutting loose on the big screen is a lot more fun that what actually transpires. It shames me to say it, but British TV shows into films are usually the worst. I mean, Keith Lemon: The Film? That’s the best we as a country can do? Ali G Indahouse wasn’t much better either. The only one I can think of as being a legitimate success is In The Loop. Anyway, the prospect of an Alan Partridge film, one of my favourite comedy characters, had me worried. Who’d have thought that this year I would have been disappointed by Man of Steel and Star Trek Into Darkness, but not Alpha Papa? No need to answer that question, dearies. It’s all rhetorical, innit.

“That was soft rock cocaine enthusiasts Fleetwood Mac…”

When his radio station is taken over by a huge media conglomerate, Alan Partridge (Steve Coogan) finds himself in a difficult position when newly fired DJ Pat Farrell (Colm Meaney) busts back into the building with a shotgun and holds people hostage. Whilst Partridge initially escapes, it turns out that Farrell won’t talk to the police and has specifically requested Alan to head back into the station and become the negotiator.  I’m surprised that they were this bold with the concept. With a film like this, I’d have expected it to go two ways. 1) The same basic set-up (corporation wants to take over small, but popular thing) and then have some sort of charity drive/protest to raise the £500,000 they need to save the radio station or whatever or 2) Partridge goes to America and ends up in all sorts of overseas fish-out-of-water, cultural misunderstandings shenanigans.  Thankfully, the film doesn’t either of those. It knows that Partridge is at his best outside of his comfort zone and this film is all about taking that to the extreme. Coogan has been playing Partridge for about 20 years now, so it shouldn’t come as a surprise that he’s great. Colm Meaney also puts in some fine work as Pat, giving us a bad guy with understandable motives. He’s desperate rather than evil and it’s dealt with a deft touch. Tim Key is also decent as Partridge sidekick Simon. The thing I appreciated most though was the return of mousy browbeaten assistant Lynn (Felicity Montagu) and Geordie pal Michael (Simon Greenall) from the I’m Alan Partridge series. Both get moments that had me beaming out of genuine affection for the characters.

Cards on the table. I laughed a hell of a lot during Alpha Papa. It’s been ages since I laughed so much during a film my face hurt by the end of it.  From the inspired opening lip-sync to Roachford’s “Cuddly Toy” to a trademark Partridge social faux-pas or twelve, I was giggling like a little schoolgirl. Despite the gag count being high, none of it felt like a betrayal of the character we all know. Alan is still Alan and that’s the highest praise I can give. Despite all the stakes being significantly higher than the intentionally low key TV show, all the little cringeworthy bits and moments of needless pedantry are preserved. Perhaps just as important is the tragic, sympathetic side of Alan and this is wisely kept too. Partridge is a tragic character when it comes down to it. He’s goofy and socially awkward but there’s a real sadness to him that I think has kept him popular for over two decades.  There are certainly moments that are unexpectedly touching and it makes the comedy all the greater. Here’s a handy comparison point for you when someone asks the difference between American and British comedy : compare the usage of 80’s empowering cheese classic “You’re the Voice” in this film to its usage in the LOLZ OMG SOOO RANDUM Hot Rod. Fuckin’ worlds apart.

There are a few things that don’t quite work. Some of the dream sequences aren’t particularly brilliant and they kill the pacing. Some of the gags, especially the “turd in a lunchbox” scene feel like they belong in a raunchier, gross-out fest rather than a Partridge feature. These are very minor quibbles though.

“Today we’re asking: what is the worst monger? Iron, fish, rumour… or war?”

Alpha Papa is the funniest comedy I’ve seen in a long damn time. The treacherous transition from the small to the big screen works because they remain true to the character without sacrificing some of the intricacies for laughs from the dumbus plebs out there.  It’s textbook Alan.

Kick-Ass 2

 
Not quite the Millar’s tale…
 

Kick-Ass 2 (2013)

After seeing the original Kick-Ass in 2010, I rushed out to get the source material, only to find huge deviations between what was on screen and what was in the panels. The comic ended up quite downbeat and depressing, whereas the film went for a more generic happy ending. Being ahead of the curve this time, I read Kick-Ass 2 before seeing this film.

“I try to have fun. Otherwise, what’s the point?”

Some years have passed since Dave Lizewski (Aaron Taylor-Johnson) caused a stir by becoming the first real life superhero, Kick-Ass. After losing her father, Mindy Macready aka Hit-Girl (Chloë Grace Moretz) is struggling to adapt to high school life. Chris D’Amico (Christopher Mintz-Plasse) wants revenge on Kick-Ass and reinvents himself as the world’s first supervillian, The Motherfucker. Chris assembles a villainous crew, fantastically named “The Toxic Mega Cunts” and together they wreak havoc. Coincidentally, Kick-Ass has also joined a group, a team of do-gooders known as “Justice Forever”, led by Colonel Stars and Stripes (Jim Carrey). Kick-Ass 2 felt like it was trying to emulate the first film. It certainly doesn’t have the edge the original Kick-Ass had. This could partly be down to the fact it’s a sequel, but I think it’s mostly down to the film intentionally pulling its punches. It’s nowhere as visceral as the first. The story’s half decent, but things are pretty predictable. Once you have the two groups all properly introduced, the third act featuring a confrontation and a smackdown between the two teams is a given. The writing also isn’t nearly as sharp. There were some choice Hit-Girl lines in the first one. The memorable, precise swearing of the first has been replaced with a scattershot approach, believing you can say “fuck” at any point in a sentence and have it still be as funny. It ain’t, Of the new blood cast-wise, there are a few highlights. I thought Carrey’s bat-wielding born again Christian Colonel Stars and Stripes was great and is the real heart of the film. A mention also has to be made of Donald Faison’s Dr. Gravity. Faison makes him likeable thanks to his natural enthusiasm and eagerness. Of the Toxic Mega Cunts. Mother Russia (Olga Kurkulina) is the clear star. She’s a big, hulking Ivan Drago type that is just a joy to watch.

I’m not sure why the film is called “Kick-Ass 2”, as it’s Hit Girl’s film.  Kick-Ass himself is relegated to being a bit-part player for most of the runtime.  The idea of Mindy trying to fit in with the popular girls is fun, but most of it is boring.  It’s the standard Mean Girls stuff without the wit. However, Mindy’s efforts at fitting in give way to a brilliant scene where she discovers her libido whilst watching a pop video featuring teen dreamboats and glistening abs. It’s funny and sweet in equal measures and Moretz plays it perfectly. It’s great that despite her lack of a childhood, beneath it all Mindy’s just as susceptible to boy bands as any other normal teenage girl.  With Kick-Ass being sidelined, other things fall by the wayside. Despite significant things happening to him, he’s given no arc whatsoever. It’s odd that they’d give the lead character fuck all to do.

I’ve never liked lines like “This isn’t a movie, this is real life”. It’s a meta joke that always draws me out of the experience. Kick-Ass 2 doesn’t shut up about this being “real life, not a comic book”. It’s strange then that the film has super-cartoony moments, like some bitchy girls vomiting and shitting themselves with the same force as some of Tarantino’s squirtiest squibs. or a van sequence involving Hit-Girl which uses a distracting amount of green screen. You want to proper, more realistic take on real life costumed crusaders? Watch James Gunn’s Super. The film wisely pulls back on the darker moments in the comic.  It has to be said that some of Millar’s nastiness doesn’t sit well with me. Undoubtedly the darkest part of the comic is a scene in which Katie Deauxma is gang-raped by The Motherfucker and his crew. There’s a moment in the film where I genuinely thought they were going for it. However, the film feints and plays it for laughs, which is fine, but I wonder why they did it at all.  The off-screen beating they go with is only marginally less nasty. It’s one of several tonally inconsistent moments in the film that prevents you from fully engaging with what they’re bringing to the table. If a film can’t settle on a tone, then you end up strangely disconnected and are less likely to care about anything that’s going on.

Highlight of the film for me was Mother Russia’s rampage, where she single-handedly takes on a squad of policemen. The sequence isn’t something we’ve seen before unlike most of the film’s other scraps and it’s genuinely thrilling. It wins massive bonus points by scoring the whole escapade with the Tetris theme. Another selection for my Scenes of the Year list, I think.

Do you remember a small picture from about a year ago called The Dark Knight Rises? Remember how frustrating it was to have an enfeebled Bruce Wayne train up to return as Batman only to be knocked back to square one by Bane as soon as he dons the cowl, meaning we had to sit through yet more fucking scenes of him training up to be Batman again? Well, in this film, Kick-Ass and Hit Girl both quit, come back, quit and finally return once more and it’s similarly frustrating. I got the feeling they were treading water until the third act. Quitting the hero business is fine, to not know whether you’re coming or going and artificially padding out the runtime with pointless repetition isn’t.

“You don’t have to be a badass to be a superhero. You just have to be brave.”

Kick-Ass 2 is a mixed bag. I enjoyed it whilst it was on, but as soon as the credits rolled and I starting reflecting on it, it started to fall apart. It’s not as sharp or as funny as the original and it has some real tone problems that let it down heavily. Overall, fairly good. I wanted to like it a lot more than I ended up liking it though.

Evil Dead

 
Klaatu barada nik… (coughs)
 

Evil Dead (2013)

The original Evil Dead films hold a special place in my heart. Evil Dead II is one of my favourite films of all time. When I heard they were giving the series the shiny reboot treatment, I wasn’t angry like most Deadites were, just confused. How could it have a place in this post Cabin in the Woods world? How can you do something with the exact same premise that was thoroughly torn apart and dissected by Joss Whedon and Drew Goddard mere months before? It has to be said that I fucking hate horror remakes. I honestly can’t think of one that was any good whatsoever. Horror fans are just above ’80s action fans in the list of groups who are most likely to get their nostalgia taken financial advantage of and I feel for them. I know what it’s like to have logic and general consensus dictate that the movie will be crap, but to have your heart persistently say otherwise. If anyone’s interested in coming to a group therapy session, we meet every Wednesday and every other Sunday at Ling Bo’s Bowling Arenatorium, Lane 5, opposite the “Muchos Nachos” stand.

“You shouldn’t have touched anything from that basement.”

This may all sound very familiar, but bear with me. 5 young adults travel to a cabin in the woods and accidentally awaken an ancient evil force by ill-advisedly reading from some kind of cursed tome. That’s pretty much all you need in the way of a plot outline. It’s the same as the original Evil Dead, countless imitators in the decades since and of course, The Cabin in the Woods. This being a remake of The Evil Dead, it sort of gets a pass in this respect.  It’s just like the Texas Chainsaw remake had to have Leatherface in there somewhere. It’s what you signed up for. What I will come down on like a ton of angry bricks though is the utter mundanity of our cabin-dwelling tosspots. There is no excuse for them to be this boring. Within seconds of learning their names and what they do, I’d forgotten who they were and what their relationship was to the others. The only one I remembered was Mia (Jane Levy) because she was the main one and got to do all kinds of fun possessed shit, plus the fact that her name was screamed over and over again. They’re all just generic good-looking cardboard cutouts that I didn’t give any real shit about. As such, I didn’t care whether they got offed or not. Look, I get that in the horror genre characters are often loosely sketched to make way for the carnage, but damn.

The film doesn’t start well. When the title flashes up on screen, it’s accompanied by a blast of horrific music, very much like Cabin in the Woods‘ intro. If this was the film setting up its stall and pretending that audiences aren’t as cynical as they are, then I was about 5 minutes away from fucking off and doing something else. Luckily it does improve. I liked some of the postmodern twists the script was given. In the original, the gang just go to the woods because they want to relax, drink and bump uglies. In Evil Dead 2013, they go to help Mia dry out and kick her drug habit cold turkey, which makes more sense than driving to a sketchy looking cabin in the middle of nowhere just for a holiday. Also, it adds a delay on being able to tell that something’s wrong with Mia as junkies going cold turkey can do some crazy shit. They don’t really do anything with this though, apart from have a throwaway line, which is a shame. I’d have liked the film to have taken its time a little more. Who knows, we could have characterised our leads a little better in those extra scenes.

There are some neat nods and references to the original series that made me smile too. Fans of Raimi’s clapped-out Oldsmobile will be pleased. I got the feeling that the film was relying too heavily on series goodwill at points, but only occasionally.  I would have liked more of an effort to establish its own identity, but we’ll wait until the sequel to see if we have to pull that particular ripcord. One of the main things I liked about Evil Dead 2.0 is the fact that they mostly kept things practical. I’m sick to the back teeth of CGI blood and gore. It’s lazy and never has the impact that proper old school prosthetics and pumps have. It’s fucking refreshing to have practical effects used in a modern horror and I was thankful for it. Some of the bits, like demon Mia bifurcating her own tongue on a Stanley knife have a real visceral “ick” factor to them which makes the film incredibly enjoyable. There’s a nice little Evil Dead II riff involving an electric carving knife which was also fantastic. One of the elements I always liked about the Evil Dead series was when the possessed would, as a last resort, seemingly return to normal, appearing to be in agonising pain or bringing up a shared touching memory to halt whoever was in the process of getting rid of them. Brilliantly, they’d then turn back and laugh at the anguish they just caused. It’s such a gloriously fucked up idea and they use it to great effect here.

I’ve heard people complain that this film is a little too po-faced for its own good. I’m on the fence about this. When people think of the campy horror and gross-out yuks, they’re usually thinking of Evil Dead II, which ramped up the camp value by several thousand percent. The Evil Dead was intended more of a straight-faced horror film and as such, I see why they’ve gone in this direction. On the other (possessed) hand, the serious tone does nothing to elevate the film above any of its contemporaries and makes it easy to dismiss as just another horror remake. I wanted the film to give me permission to cackle with glee at some of the tricks up its sleeve, wink at me and we’d laugh together. It didn’t happen though. It starts cutting loose towards the end, but by that point, you’ve had to sit through an hour plus of sullen attempts at serious horror.

Which brings me to another point. It isn’t “the most terrifying film you will ever experience”. In fact, I’d say it was pretty tame. I’m not saying this to seem like a hard man in front of my peers. I just don’t find this brand of polished horror particularly frightening. The film can be unquestionably disturbing at times, but there’s no real fright factor. I expected some truly disquieting stuff when it came to redoing the infamous “tree rape” scene, but nope- more modern in-your-face-horror, rather than careful atmosphere building and tension ratcheting. On the subject of tree rape, I found it kind of irritating that it’s all part of some big ritual. Forgive me, as it has been a while since I rewatched the original, but am I correct in thinking this wasn’t always the case? I just thought it was the woods just doing evil shit and improvising based on what the characters did. I find that a lot scarier than having a pre-written procedure for all this. Like most modern horrors, the film falls into the beartrap of explaining everything to make it seem more plausible, not realising there’s no faster way to kill intrigue or trepidation.

“I can smell your filthy soul!”

I enjoyed Evil Dead. Whilst I had problems with details and odd decisions, nothing could spoil my overall enjoyment of the film. I think my affection for the series was picking up the slack here and there and perhaps buffing out some of the flaws, but it was pretty decent. Roll on Evil Dead II: Redead by Dawn.

Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides (Redux)

 
Jack’s back, but does anyone care?
 

Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides (2011) (Redux)

Not content with squeezing a bloated trilogy out of the already chafed udder of the Pirates cashcow, the producers moved on with a Jack Sparrow centric adventure a few years after. However, Bloom and Knightley wouldn’t return and Gore Verbinski wouldn’t be parking his arse in one of those comfy looking directors’ chairs. Mahogany and Beech not signing back up was a plus, but Verbinski leaving is a tough one. Dude’s a talented director and would need a fitting replacement. Enter Rob Marshall, director of some music videos and easily forgotten films doomed to gather dust in your Mum’s DVD collection (I mean, when was the last time you heard someone talk about Memoirs of a Geisha?). Having only seen On Stranger Tides once before, I was struck at how flat everything was shot (odd, considering this was the only Pirates flick fiilmed and released in 3D) and how fuckin’ bored I was during it. Anyway, obligatory plot rundown:

“Don’t be a fool, Jackie. The fountain will test you.”

Jack Sparrow (Johnny Depp) travels to London, but upon arriving he hears tell that another Jack Sparrow is looking for a crew to commandeer a ship. Intrigued, Sparrow sets to confront the imposter. He then becomes part of a bigger plan to find the Fountain of Youth and finds himself under the command of legendary feared pirate Blackbeard (Ian McShane) and his first mate, daughter and old flame of Jack’s Angelica (Penélope Cruz). The race is on between Blackbeard, the British and Spanish navies to find the mythical fountain. Despite being clumsily set up in the last film, I was looking forward to a quest for the Fountain of Youth. However, it turns out to be a plodding exercise in mediocrity. Depp’s Sparrow can still be entertaining, but the schtick is tired and played out. He needs better lines and characterisation. Penélope Cruz does admirably in the role of Angelica, although the only thing she’s asked to do is play a stereotypical hot-blooded Latina woman. Ian McShane doesn’t really do much as Blackbeard. He’s not at fault though- the script doesn’t have any real interest in the character and he’s just there. Not exactly a baddie for the ages. Barbossa (Geoffrey Rush) also returns, but he may as well be a different character. Once again, the writing lets him down as he’s a far cry from the character I liked in the previous films.

You may have noticed a few complaints about the script so far and I honestly can’t rag on it hard enough. It was doomed from the start as having Sparrow as the main character doesn’t work. It creates a divide between to the plot-serving emotional journey and the wacky goofball sides of him. As a result, we get a watered down character that has both sides pushed up to maximum in the hopes that you won’t notice and be reminded of the times when the act was charming. Remember when Jack was all bravado and escaped situations with a healthy dose of luck and opportunism? The writers don’t. Now he’s just a cocky knob who is consistently brilliant at everything he tries and must have powers of precognition. Which is much less interesting.  Quite why Elliot and Rossio weren’t shaken loose when they upended the franchise toy chest is beyond me. The one thing I will commend the film on is its stripped down approach. It’s much less convoluted than both of the previous sequels and has a better story focus. The story isn’t particularly great, but it’s there. None of this “getting bogged down in its own mysticism” bullshit to be found here.

The one element I liked was actually something a lot of reviewers singled out as one of the worst things about the film. I liked the little romance between the missionary Philip (Sam Clafin) and the captured mermaid Syrena (Astrid Bergès-Frisbey). Whilst their little courtship was tacked on purely because these films have to have one,  I found it more convincing than the Turner & Swann saga. He gets renewed faith in his dearest Lord plus he fancies her a bit and she learns that all humans aren’t bastards and she fancies him a bit. They both learn something and get something from the relationship. Makes sense to me. It may be indicative of the film’s problems that I latched on to what must be the C or D story rather than the main supposedly epic quest for the MacGuffin or the Angelica/Sparrow angle.

Even the action’s not particularly good. There’s a bright spot when the crew are attacked by mermaids, but that’s about it. There’s plenty of swordfighting, but we’ve seen all this shit before. The apparent lack of energy or creativity with the camera (Marshall, you scallywag) exacerbates things too. Never will you be more away that you’re watching actors playfight on a set. I just didn’t care about anything and wanted to shut it off in favour of something that tries harder.

“Gentlemen, the fountain is the prize. Mermaid waters, that be our path.”

On Stranger Tides is just as bad as At World’s End, but in different ways. Stranger Tides has a clearer plot and isn’t as indulgent as At World’s End, but the story it went with was dull. At World’s End at least had some creativity here and there whereas On Stranger Tides has an air of a run-of-the-mill Hollywood production line product about it. It’s not a terrible film, but it’s not good either. I’m a great believer in franchises redeeming themselves (the Fast and Furious films) so here’s hoping that 2015’s Pirates 5 has a better crack at the whip. Having said that. a cursory glance at the film’s IMDB page reveals that it’s directed by two fellas I’ve never heard of and that Elliot and Rossio are back on writing duties.  I can already feel the dread starting to build.

The Wolverine

 
*Insert shit Japanese pun here*
 

The Wolverine (2013)

The X-Men franchise is one of the time-hoppyist series around. We’ve had prequels, even earlier prequels and a buttload of sequels. It’s all going to get more confusing with the forthcoming Days of Future Past which will mash the First Class lot together with the established cast of the first three films in a time-spanning Avengers style ensemble pic. I have to say though, they’ve done a good job keeping the timeline pretty coherent all things considered.

“I’ve been trying to find you for over a year. My employer’s dying, he wants to thank you for saving his life. It’s an honour to meet the Wolverine.”

The Wolverine unsurprisingly tells the story of Logan (Hugh Jackman). We catch up with him years after the events of The Last Stand. He’s exiled himself and is living rough in the mountains. He’s tracked down by Yukio (Rila Fukushima) who has been asked to bring him to Japan on behalf of the ailing magnate Yashida (Haruhiko Yamanouchi) who had his life saved by Logan decades before. Wolvie travels with her and soon discovers a plot to kidnap Yashida’s granddaughter Mariko (Tao Okamoto) to get in on some sweet ransom cash action. The Wolverine is loosely based on a popular and critically acclaimed ’80s miniseries dealing with Logan’s first solo adventure. For the most part, the story is solid, giving us a fish-out-of-water take on the now very familiar Wolverine. Hugh Jackman is always a pleasure to watch as Logan. He nailed the part long ago, but it never feels like he’s treading the same old ground or phoning it in. I get the feeling he likes playing the character as much as I enjoy seeing him in the role. The Wolverine is a more successful personal story than the widely hated X-Men Origins: Wolverine. As much as I liked Tao Okamoto, her only job seems to be standing around looking beautiful, so of course Logan falls for her instead of the kick-ass Rila Fukushima who manages to be both interesting and handy in fights. The only weak point was Famke Janssen reprising her role as Jean Grey. I don’t have a problem with Janssen at all, it’s just that the various dream sequences with her in are definitely movie low points. She just lies around in lingerie spouting all of Logan’s internal dialogue that they couldn’t be arsed to weave into the narrative. I never really bought the whole Jean/Logan relationship in the films anyway, but I soon learned to stop paying attention whenever Logan was sleeping as it meant another clunkily written chunk of fuck-all was going to happen.

Straight from the off, I felt the film was in good hands. It opens with a unnervingly quiet harbour view before showing some bombers coming in to fuck up Nagasaki nuclear style. It’s a well done sequence and the sheer spectacle of watching a nuclear blast totalling the lovely Japanese shoreside is both devastating and awesome at the same time. I like seeing Wolverine in wartime settings. More please. Whilst Wolvie’s Japanese trip seems to consist purely of things American audiences would expect from a film set in Asia, it’s not really a problem. There’s a genuinely funny and awkward moment where Logan and Mariko hide out at a love hotel which plays well. I feel the film could have done with more of these little moments as the only reason these characters fall in love is because he protects her all the time and they’re both attractive people. Mariko needed to be something pretty special for Logan to get over Jean and I just didn’t feel it. Yukio had more going on. Anyone have her number?

When I saw Hoborine living rough in the mountains, I had a thought hit me that sent an icy chill down to my stomach:  “Oh shit, I hope they haven’t gone all ‘gritty’ with this”. Thankfully, this turned out to not be the case. There’s dark stuff in it, but its not afraid to keep the tone out of the bleak doldrums other superhero films are finding themselves in. Plus, there’s a scene in a bar when Logan confronts some hunters that is classic Wolverine and made me smile broadly. In fact, all the action is well done. There’s a stunning sequence on top of a bullet train that’s the best train sequence I’ve seen since Spider-Man 2. Wolverine’s healing ability has been suppressed in this film, so most of the fight scenes have raised stakes as people can actually hurt and stop him. It’s the first time we’ve since Wolverine physically vulnerable to anyone other than Magneto and it works really well. My one qualm is that some of the fights felt pretty toothless, with people getting slashed and stabbed by Wolverine’s famous claws but there being very little resulting blood. I didn’t want it to turn into a gorefest or anything, but X2 managed to get away with quite a bit. A lot of it looked like blood and injury had been digitally removed. My guess is that when it comes down to releasing it on DVD/Blu-ray, they’ll pull a Hunger Games and include the slightly meatier cut.

My only other real problem was Viper (Svetlana Khodchenkova) who ends up as a pretty weak villainess. She’s just not given that much to do and she reminded me quite a lot of Batman & Robin‘s Poison Ivy, with the penchant for sucking face with her victims and generally hamming it up. Anything that reminds me of that dungheap of a film is going to have points taken off. The impressive-looking Silver Samurai is also of little consequence, but you can’t win ’em all.

“I can do this all day, you twisted mutant bitch!”

The Wolverine is pretty decent. It’s not good enough to get excited about, but it’s an entertaining enough flick. Think of it like 2008’s Incredible Hulk, solid on its own, but mostly made to bring the story in line with forthcoming “event” pictures. Speaking of which, stay after the credits ya droolmonkeys.