Category: Review

The Amazing Spider-Man

God, my output has been patchy of late. I have been doing stuff elsewhere (which you can find here,) with the result that this blog has been overlooked somewhat. Still, I’ve got some bloody plans for this place, so hold on to your goddamn hats. Anyway, did somebody say Spider-Man?

The Amazing Spider-Man (2012)

And yes, it is written as “Spider-Man”. Fucking sick of not seeing the hyphen in there when people talk about it. Am I being a pedantic wanker? There’s always a good chance, but say I was to write about BatMan or Super-Man. People would have a problem with it. As a Spider-fan, it greens my goblins. So, it’s 2012 and we have a reboot of a franchise barely a decade old webslinging its way in fuckmothering 3D to a screen near you. I’ve heard many people decrying the film for being a perfect example of the fact that Hollywood is officially out of ideas. Whilst that isn’t entirely false, you must understand that The Amazing Spider-Man is purely a business decision. Y’see, Sony own the rights to the Spider-Man franchise. They contractually have to do something with the license or the rights revert back to Marvel/Disney. Sony aren’t stupid. The Spidey franchise has made them billions of dollars and they’re not just going to roll over and let Marvel take their money-shitting machine home. Plus, after Spider-Man 3 thoroughly salted the earth with the tears of fanboys and moviegoers alike, it was time for a change.

“I am issuing an arrest warrant for the masked vigilante known as Spider-Man!”

The Amazing Spider-Man retells the famous origin story of everyone’s favourite nerd fantasy projection, Spider-Man. Abandoned by his parents and left to live with his aunt and uncle, Peter Parker (Andrew Garfield) is a typical nerdy high-schooler. He gets beaten up and has a hard time talking to girls, especially beautiful blonde Gwen Stacy (Emma Stone). However, when he decides to investigate his parents’ disappearance, starting with his father’s close friend and colleague, Dr. Curt Connors (Rhys Ifans), Peter unwittingly signs himself up for a date with eight-legged destiny. All the marketing for this film has been focused on telling “the untold story” of Peter’s parents. Much like the best marketing, it’s what they don’t tell you that’s key. This is basically a retread of what we’ve seen before in a slightly different wrapper. My main problem is this: did we really have to see Peter get bitten by a spider again? As a webhead of many years I have seen the origin story played out a thousand times, with various versions present in the comics, the many different animated series, the video games and the Raimi film. Why the film didn’t take a leaf out of 2008’s The Incredible Hulk’s book, where the opening sequence alludes to the gamma accident and doesn’t take up half the goddamn film treading old ground, I’ll never know. At the end of it all, Peter’s still bitten and Uncle Ben’s still six feet under (more on that in a minute). It’s probably the most famous superhero origin story out there. We didn’t need this retelling/reimagining/re-whatever.

As for the actors, Andrew Garfield makes a fantastic Parker/Spider-Man. He’s just the right side of shy and dorky and has the acting chops to really sell those emotional scenes (something which I never really got from Tobey Maguire’s performance). Emma Stone is probably the stand-out as Gwen Stacy as she shares some fantastic chemistry with Garfield, completely charms and manages to turn what could have been a forgettable gal pal role into a memorable and likeable performance. Also great is Rhys Ifans, who was already fairly reptilian before all those expensive effects. He’s tasked with really selling the Jekyll side to his dual role and does well with it. I also loved Martin Sheen and Sally Field as Uncle Ben and Aunt May. They were so wise and caring. I want to stay at their house and eat May’s apparently terrible meatloaf (not a euphemism). The film really humanises its characters, rather than them being one note or two dimensional. It gives me great hope for future franchise entries as it looks like this take on Spidey is a lot more emotional than we’ve seen before. I really felt Peter’s pain after Uncle Ben’s death, especially when he snaps and slams Flash into a locker. It’s realistic and affecting.

The main success of the film is the central romance between Peter and Gwen. Director Marc Webb (no, really) knows his way around romance as seen in his previous work (500) Days of Summer. It’s believable and surprisingly sweet. I was pulling for the relationship to work. I actually cared. There are little character moments, like a bit where Peter gets shy and his voice cracks more than normal because he realises he’s in his girlfriend’s bedroom, that sell the relationship. It’s cute, but not in a retch-inducing way. The action and all-important webslinging are well handled too. The school fight with the Lizard is fantastic and also features the best Stan Lee cameo yet. I like the fact that Spidey invents comic accurate web-shooters as opposed to the organic ones Maguire-Man had. What I found confusing was the fact that the web is apparently a commercially available Oscorp product. I may have missed something, but he either bought or stole the “bio-cable” or whatever the hell is was called. Parker’s smart enough to have invented some shooters, it wouldn’t have been that much of a stretch to say he came up with the webbing as well.

What’s less of a success is the rest of it. I walked out feeling quite underwhelmed by the whole experience. There were just too many things that were off about it. Firstly, they tweak the Uncle Ben incident. which is fine, but it messes with Spidey’s motivations somewhat. Uncle Ben dies due to his own stupidity, rather than it being Peter’s fault. Having said that, I liked the manhunt Peter goes on to find his uncle’s killer. I wasn’t a huge fan of how the Lizard turned out. Whilst I thought Ifans did well with what he was given, the things that were interesting about the character was largely ignored. All Dr. Stumpy did was bang on about his missing arm. Yeah, I get that losing a limb sucks, but still, the guy needed more motivation than that. Plus, the Lizard’s design was rubbish, as were some of the effects used to bring him to life. Also, that lizard/mouse thing was RETARDED. As with most lazily written things, coincidence seems to be the driving force behind most happenings. At once point, Peter falls through a roof, into a wrestling ring, where he sees a poster for a luchador which gives him the idea for the iconic Spidey mask. A lot of things just struck me as a bit too convenient.

I was looking forward to this film correcting one of the greatest oversights in the Raimi films- the fact that Spider-Man is a witty, sarcastic kind of guy. This film makes attempts at this, but some of the “comedy” lines and sequences are about as funny as a mass puppy drowning. Dear Lord, it isn’t that hard to crack wise, but the film makes it seem like a Herculean effort. A lot of the humour is misjudged. That’s not to say it’s entirely unsuccessful, as the occasional one-liner or neat little gag made me chuckle, but I expected more. It shouldn’t be a thigh-slapping fest, but if you’re going to attempt humour, make sure your jokes work. Very few people were laughing in the packed screening I went to. C’mon Sony, Joss Whedon can’t be the only person who can illicit superhero-sized belly laughs. In fact, most of the dialogue is pretty god-awful.

Also (BIG SPOILERS AHEAD, highlight to read or skip to the final paragraph) is it me or were there plot holes a-go-go? I don’t normally pick a film up on this type of thing, but sometimes it’d feel like I missed a scene or two. Where did all the lizards in the sewer come from? What happened to the evil Dr. Ratha (Irrfan Khan)? He was on his way to test the serum on orphan kittens or something equally ridiculous, has his car chucked off the bridge by the Lizard and is then saved by Spidey. We don’t see him again. I expected a conclusion to his arc. Why was Flash all pally at the end? I know he showed understanding about Uncle Ben’s death, but still, it’s a big leap. Plus, I can’t tell you how much my heart sank at the beginning of the crane scene, which thankfully managed to be slightly more tolerable than the arse-puckering scene in Raimi’s original where Spidey gets protected by the New York public: “You mess with one of us, you mess with all of us!” Urgh. Nice to see a gratuitous shot of the American flag though. Not fucking sick of those in this franchise. Also, Peter struck me as a bit of a dick at the end. He doesn’t show up for Captain Stacy’s funeral, supposedly honouring his promise to stay away from Gwen. He then breaks up with her on the day she buries her father, then he fucking breaks the promise later anyway. What a douche!

“Thirty-eight of New York’s finest, versus one guy in a unitard!”

Reading it back, I realise I actually sound quite bitter and angry. I’m not. To tell you the truth, I was pretty disappointed with the whole thing. My real problem was the fact the film felt it didn’t have any real soul- it felt very mechanical at times, ticking off boxes until it was sufficiently different from the 2002 film . Maybe I’m just a nitpicky fanboy, but some of these issues are basic movie failings, rather than spider-inaccuracies. There are many elements they got right, it just didn’t come together as a whole for me. It’s got a great cast, some really decent effects work and a believable romance that has the potential for amazing sequel fodder. Here’s what I want from the sequel: a non-shit villain, a better director and writers and J.K. Simmons as J. Jonah Jameson. To me, it felt like a pilot for a TV show, lots of interesting ideas and potential coming out of its ears, but not a fully-formed piece of entertainment. Fret ye not, this isn’t a Spider-Man 3 type disaster. I just wish this new series had kicked off with a bit more oomph.

Prometheus

Seems you can’t turn a figurative corner on the ‘Net without some tiresome prick shoving their own little thoughts on Ridley Scott’s latest in your face. Since when did having a keyboard and an broadband connection automatically make you a film critic? It’s sort of sad, really.

Say, do you want to know what I thought of that new and exciting film Prometheus, currently showing in cinemas? Also, SPOILERS abound. It’s hard to discuss the film whilst dancing around what specifically makes it good or bad. I’ll try not to spoil much, but if you want to go in blind, don’t read past this point.

(Coy little aside: I saw Prometheus in IMAX 3D and I felt it was worth every extra penny. Visually, the film is a stunner and seeing on a gargantuan screen truly enhanced the experience. If you can check it out in IMAX, do so. It’ll blow your eyes out of your arse.)

Prometheus (2012)
It’s undeniably an exciting thing to have Sir Ridders return to a genre he has mastered not once, but twice. Okay, maybe saying “mastered” is a bit strong, but both Alien and Blade Runner are stonking classics and, to my mind at least, show how diverse and interesting the sci-fi genre can be. To tell you the truth, I’ve struggled with reviewing Prometheus and have been putting it off for about two weeks now. I liked it, but there were just too many things holding it back for it to be the unmitigated success I wanted it to be. The frustrating thing was, I couldn’t nail down and articulate what most of these problems were which, as you can imagine, is a big problem for a reviewer. As the Facehugger’s out of the bag as to whether or not the film is an Alien prequel, I decided to rewatch Alien to remind myself of the mythos that was being expanded upon. They’re different beasts and it’s not exactly a fair comparison, but, in keeping with one of the major themes in Prometheus, it’s important to know where you came from.

“Big things have small beginnings.” 

After finding a common celestial pattern in ancient cave paintings and tablets, a team of scientists, lead by Dr. Elizabeth Shaw (Noomi Rapace) and Dr. Charlie Holloway (Logan Marshall-Green) and the crew of the starship Prometheus, including android David (Michael Fassbender) travel to the indicated star system to try and discover who created the human race and answer some of humanity’s biggest questions. Naturally, spacetits go up and soon the crew are meeting their makers in the more euphemistic sense. I really dug some the ideas Prometheus plays with. To meet our makers and to have them reject us is a genuinely scary thought. As for the cast, Noomi Rapace was great as the proto-Ripley, Elizabeth Shaw. She wasn’t the tough, action heroine I expected her to be, but she wasn’t a scream queen either. I thought the distractingly beautiful Charlize Theron was great as ice-queen boss, Meredith Vickers, although maybe this says more about me, but I found most of her “evil” decisions to be actually sound, especially (invisotext) her decision to torch Holloway, doing something that no person in the Alien franchise has thought to do- realising that bringing weird alien shit and/or infected crew members onboard your ship is a bad idea. However, the scene-stealer extraordinaire is Michael Fassbender’s David who effortlessly diverts any attention paid to the cast onto him. He’s the logical Bishop kind of android as seen in Aliens and the character we probably spend the most time with. Watching him go around the ship on his own, riding a bike and playing basketball (at the same time!) and especially observing him dying his hair and modifying his speech based on Peter O’Toole’s performance in Lawrence of Arabia is joyful. Prometheus goes for the same slow start that Alien did and it pays off.

Let’s start with the good. There’s a lot to like on display here. The film has truly amazing visuals and the sets and effects are astounding. Ridley Scott is known for creating grounded worlds and locales for his characters to move around in and this film doesn’t sully that reputation. Everything feels real and lived in, however fantastical. The much promoted set of the massive Olmec-style head and strange oozing containers in particular is incredible. Despite it being on every poster and in every trailer, I still felt a chill go up my spine and a bit of terrified urine go down my leg when the crew ill-advisedly entered the chamber. It’s nice that Prometheus keeps some of the Alien themes running too, one of which leads to the best (and most squirm-inducing) scene in the film where Dr. Shaw learns the true meaning of the old adage “be careful what you wish for.” Plus, I loved the designs of the creatures, with genital-obsessed H.R. Giger (apparently pronounced Gee-ger, not as in the radiation measuring thing) being roped in to add to the universe’s roster of terrifying bastards. Plus, there’s some fantastic attention to detail, including the Weyland logo being part of David’s fingerprint in a close-up on the tip of his finger.

As for the bad, well, I wanted it to be scarier than this. Alien is a masterclass in atmosphere building and ratcheting the tension up ’til you can’t stands no more. After the promising slow and thoughtful David-heavy intro, it soon devolves in the most generic scares possible. The main failing was that fact that I didn’t really care for the crew. Basic horror rules state that in order for a scare to be at all satisfactory, there needs to be an emotional resonance with the characters. Even if you hate their guts and you’re willing the stupid jock douchebag to get stabbed eight ways from Sunday, it’s still an emotional response. You are reacting to the film and, as a result, are more invested in it. Apart from a couple of broadly painted walking stereotypes, Prometheus didn’t have anything like that. Except for Dr. Shaw (and David, obviously), these people didn’t feel real. To compare it to Alien once again, the crew of the Nostromo were talking about getting paid and what was for dinner. Everyone in Prometheus feels like they’re reading from an Alpha course leaflet- constantly asking each other “the big questions”. Yes, the Nostromo was a commercial towing ship and this is a scientific discovery mission and would therefore by inhabited by very different types of people, but still, a bit of humanity would have gone a long way. All of this not helped in the slightest by an intrusively stupid orchestral score that feels the need to underline every jump scare with a string screech and every plot revelation with a echoing, booming drum thud, as if saying: “You get that? Didya see that? Did ya, eh?!”. If the score was a person, it wouldn’t be invited to many parties. Maybe Prometheus was never the sci-fi horror spectacular I’d built up to be in my head, but it was a letdown all the same.

Prometheus ends up asking more questions than it answers. I’m all for mystery and the fact that they’re keeping some plot things vague at the moment is promising. However, with the high probability of this having a sequel, it would be naïve to think they’re not holding back some things for the second (and possibly third) instalments. There are even questions to be asked of the film itself, like why did they slather Guy Pearce in ageing makeup when they could have simply cast an old man? (Having said that, the viral video Weyland TED talk is superb) Why does Idris Elba have the worst Southern ‘Merican drawl possible when he fucking nailed the Baltimore accent in HBO’s The Wire? I suppose my biggest question is whether the Xenomorph origins needed to be explored at all. Still, no use crying over spilled acid blood. At least they haven’t categorically fucked them up. Yet.

“A king has his reign, and then he dies. It’s inevitable.”

Prometheus is a decent watch. As I said, it’s got incredible visuals and a strong cast. Whilst it may be hitting above its weight in terms of themes and ideas, it’s still bloody entertaining. This isn’t the kick-ass return to form for the Alien series that people like me (read: NERDS) were hoping for, but it’s not the disaster many of us were bracing for either. I know this isn’t saying much, but it’s a hell of a lot better than the Alien Vs. Predator films and one of its biggest successes is rendering those cinematic holocausts uncanonical. It’s a good film, I just wish it hadn’t made so many basic errors. In terms of a rating, it’s like a 3.5 out of 5. Thing is I don’t do half measures here at the ol’ PB and it’s just not quite good enough to be a 4. So, it’s an average 3 star rating with the caveat that it’s better than that may imply. Go and see it if you haven’t already.

Men in Black III

Back once again on my home turf to review the film that finally dethroned the mighty Avengers from its box office throne. Was the world crying out for another Men in Black? I wouldn’t have thought so, but ticket stubs don’t lie. Plus, anything is a step up from the concentration camp that was the second one.

Men in Black III (2012)
The original Men in Black is one of my all-time favourite films. I loved it as a kid and I love it even more  now. It combined schlocky sci-fi and social commentary with great special effects and wrapped it up with genuinely witty dialogue and the fantastic central chalk and cheese pairing of Will Smith and Tommy Lee Jones. I don’t know if you remember the ending, but it was pretty final. MIB didn’t warrant a follow-up, but the all important beans (that are counted by the bean counters? I’m being all metaphorical) dictated otherwise. Factor in the fact that in the intervening 5 years Will Smith had become one of the most famous actors on the planet and a sequel was inevitable. Shame it was such a car crash, then. A sloppy rehash of a story, some god-awful writing and most insultingly of all, a complete ignorance of what made the first film so good all added up to something which disappointed audiences worldwide. So, a hefty decade later, we’re ready to do the same dance again. The big question is whether it’s a cheeky little foxtrot with an attractive partner or a frantic, desperate Charleston after you’ve just shat yourself. Well, it’s kind of halfway between, but before you have a chance to fully form an horrific mental image of that, let me try and explain myself as best I can.

“I’m getting too old for this. I can only imagine how you feel.”

The plot goes thusly: one armed alien biker dude, Boris the Animal (played by a virtually unrecognisable Jemaine Clement from Flight of the Conchords) escapes from his lunar prison and makes a plan to go back in time to kill K (Tommy Lee Jones) and get his arm back. After K disappears from the timeline, only his long term partner agent J (Will Smith) has any memory of him. J must then travel back to 1969 to prevent Boris from killing the younger K (Josh Brolin) and changing the future. Watching the trailers, I wasn’t convinced by the whole time travel thing. After the world the first film created where aliens live among us, we’re going back to the cliched ’60s? To pull time travel out of you arse and present an alternate reality is normally the death knell for any franchise (Shrek Forever After, anyone?)  In the film, however, it sort of works. It’s not a runaway success, but it’s a passable plot device, rather than the afeared final nail in the MIB coffin. Splitting up Smith and Jones may seem like madness (and exactly the sort of shit that the second one pulled) but again, it actually works to the film’s credit. Josh Brolin does a scarily good impression of Tommy Lee Jones and actually brings some humanity to the gruff, grizzled character we’re used to seeing. Of the newcomers, Zed’s replacement Agent O (Emma Thompson) is decent enough, although we don’t get to see that much of her and the Mork-like Griffin (Michael Stuhlbarg), a being who can see all parallel timelines and future possibilities simultaneously is a nice addition. Clement’s big baddie Boris is a fairly decent villain, but seems like a pale facsimile of Edgar the Bug from the 1997 original. His “thing” is that his right hand is home to a creepy insect-like creature that can shoot sharpened spines at people. What I don’t understand is why Boris is so fixated on getting his arm back. Sure, it’d suck to lose an arm, but he’s got the one that has the special murder bug in it. Did his other arm have one too? It’s never explained.

There are some great ideas on display here. I loved the look of the ’60s MIB headquarters, with the peerless Rick Baker showing off some of his awesome prosthetic creations. The ’60s gadgetry is also well thought out and designed too. J being black in the still struggling with civil rights 1969 is an interesting concept and close to the social satire of the first, but apart from a couple of scenes is largely ignored. The finale with the Apollo 11 is well done and I even liked the ending (which has been used as a stick to beat the film with by several joyless critics) which adds a genuinely moving aspect to J and K’s relationship. It’s a shame they felt the need to signpost so thoroughly throughout the film, ensuring I wasn’t accidentally surprised or intrigued.

My main gripe is that the film needed to be funnier than this. Most of the jokes fall flat and the (hate this word) banter between Jones and Smith at the beginning seems really forced. There is the occasional funny line or quip, but the film seemed frightened to let go of some of the entertaining jokes from the first that were ploughed into the ground with MIB II. A cursory glance at the background screen at MIB HQ will inform you that Lady Gaga, Justin Bieber and Tim Burton are all under surveillance as undercover aliens. Plus, the series favourite “worm guys” make their contractual appearance. There are a few cameos too, with Bill Hader popping up as Andy Warhol and Will Arnett giving an eager turn as AA, J’s alternate future partner.

“I used to play a fun game with my dad, it was called “catch”. You see, I’d throw the ball to him and it would hit the wall cause he wasn’t there.”

Thankfully, Men in Black III isn’t the shitbomb I had prepared myself for. It’s not great (and for the people out there saying it’s the best one, I’m all for difference of opinion, but you’re just plain wrong) but it’s not terrible either. It plays out like an amalgamation of the previous two films and produces the mixed results one would expect. It’s simply average, but I couldn’t shake the feeling that it really needed to try harder, especially in terms of humour. Chances are, you’ll probably walk out content, but whatever you feel, feel it quickly and exit the screen before the aurally offensive theme song by Pitbull starts. The credits just aren’t the same without a Will Smith rap over the top.

The Avengers

So finally we have the culmination of 4 years of foreshadowing from 5 blockbusters and the pay-off to Marvel Studios’ carefully constructed shared universe- The Avengers.Whilst I’m here, safely in the confines of the preamble bit before I get down to the serious reviewin’ stuff. The title.

Here in the dull ol’ UK, it’s been renamed Marvel’s Avengers Assemble, which being the cool and rebellious guy that I am, I point blank refuse to call it by its new title. It just reeks of a last-minute bullshit marketing decision that doesn’t make any sense anyway. Did they really think that renaming the film to avoid confusion with the ’60s TV show (and the ’90s warcrime of a film) would boost sales at all? The target demographic for this film is far too young to know of  the ’60s Avengers and I’m sure “the oldies” out there will realise this isn’t another big-screen adaptation of Steed and Peel’s eccentric adventures when they see a socking great photo of Robert Downey Jr. as Iron Man on the huge billboards that are literally everywhere. Seriously, look out of your window right now. There’s probably about seven of them in viewable distance by my calculations. Plus, it’s hardly like the latest batch of Marvel films were only seen and appreciated by mouth-breathing greasy teens, considering their seriously healthy box-office numbers. Fuck that weak-ass title and more importantly, fuck the bullshit pie-in-the-sky marketing tossdrivel that forces awful decisions like this. Am I overreacting? I really don’t think so. If you think “Who cares? It’s only a stupid name.” or something similar, let’s change the name of The Godfather to The Fartspunk then, since titles don’t matter. Art, no matter how populist, should never be compromised by the clammy, inhuman hand of marketing- exactly why I went to see Avengers Assemble in retrofitted IMAX 3D.

The Avengers (2012)

Having been an unashamed Marvel fanboy since I got my first taste of comics when I was a tiny, annoying child, it’s no exaggeration to say that I have dreamed of an Avengers movie ever since I can remember. A shared universe was an incredibly exciting concept and I loved it when my personal favourite, Spider-Man would be visited by the X-Men or the Fantastic Four. Once X-Men kicked off the superhero adaptation trend back in 2000 and Spider-Man cemented it in 2002 by becoming a fucking megahit (technical term), I must admit that my excitement that all my printed pals were being brought to life was tinged slightly when I realised that all the properties were being snatched up by rival movie studios with all the speed and aggression of a particularly heated game of Hungry, Hungry Hippos. Studios aren’t exactly known for sharing their IPs and my hopes of seeing Cap popping up in Daredevil’s part of New York, let alone a massive superhero team-up seemed upsettingly unlikely. Still, once Marvel created Marvel Studios and started treating their properties their way, starting with 2008’s stellar Iron Man I could start to dream again. What I’m saying by this wanky, smack-in-the-face obvious paragraph is that I personally had a lot riding on this film, in the same way I’m sure millions of others had too. I’m not only relieved, but fucking ecstatic to tell you that (at least for me) The Avengers somehow met my unreasonably high expectations and then some. It’s truly amazing.

“Let’s do a headcount: Your brother- the demigod; a super-soldier, a living legend who actually lives up to the legend; a man with breathtaking anger management issues; a couple of master assassins; and you’ve managed to piss off every single one of us.”

 The Avengers focuses on the delivery of Nick Fury’s (Samuel L. Jackson) much teased “Avengers Initiative”- a plan to bring Earth’s mightiest heroes together, (deep breath) Tony Stark (Robert Downey Jr.), Capt. Steve Rogers (Chris Evans), Thor Odinson (Chris Hemsworth), Dr. Bruce Banner (Mark Ruffalo), Clint Barton (Jeremy Renner) and Natasha Romanoff (Scarlett Johannson) or more accurately, their superhero alter-egos (Iron Man, Captain America, er… Thor, The Hulk, Hawkeye and Black Widow) to answer a threat to the planet’s freedom, namely Thor’s adopted brother Loki (Tom Hiddleston) and his army of alien invaders. I had initially feared that The Avengers would turn into The Tony Stark Show, but co-writer and director Joss Whedon manages to equally balance all the competing egos without letting characters fade into the background, something he’s already proved time and time again with his work on his various projects including the Buffy the Vampire Slayer and Firefly TV shows and his highly regarded run on The Astonishing X-Men comic series. Typical of Whedon, the script is damn funny and the dialogue is slick and snappy. Thankfully, there’s no significant disconnect between the heroes’ solo efforts and their presentation here. The Avengers‘ Iron Man is just as sarcastic and egomaniacal as you’d expect from his two previous cinematic outings. This also means I get to save space by telling you to read my reviews of the preceding 5 films for specific actor comments. Of the new blood, Jeremy Renner is pretty decent as Hawkeye, giving us a solid, Daniel Craig-as-Bond type badass, Cobie Smulders is fine (in all sense of the word) as Maria Hill,  but the talking point will be Ruffalo’s Banner who gives us the most endearing take on the character yet. I’m praying for a Ruffalo Hulk solo film after his performance here. Hiddleston’s Loki is undeniably nastier this time round and makes for a genuinely loathsome bastard for the Avengers to rally against.

The film The Avengers reminded me of most was actually the third Transformers film, Dark of the Moon. Before you run screaming, let me explain. The epic scale is similar, the astounding special effects have a Bay-esque tinge to them and even the third act is very Dark of the Moon. However- and here’s the crucial part, dearies- I actually gave enough of a shit about the characters involved to be impressed and involved by the sheer spectacle of it. The Avengers earns its epic finale with all the fantastic characterisation, witty dialogue and thrilling action sequences beforehand. Dark of the Moon simply couldn’t wait to shove its expensive pixels in your face and was perfectly happy to chuck lowest common denominator humour and bargain bin writing at you until it could justify another expensive set piece. I don’t want to spoil too much, but there are certain confrontations and team-ups between the various super-powereds that just make this movie. There’s a fantastic shot in the final act of the film that shows all of the heroes teaming up in awesome ways that nearly made me whoop with joy. If I wasn’t laughing at the choice lines, I was smiling at the sheer cathartic awesomeness of Cap and Ol’ Shellhead taking on Loki, for example. Suffice to say my face hurt coming out of the film.

I honestly can’t think of many negative things to say about the film. I would say the opening isn’t the best, with an uninspired car chase and some forced dialogue betraying the rest of the film. The 3D is (predictably) not needed in the slightest, but I would urge you to see The Avengers on the biggest screen possible. Preferably with the loudest speakers too. Story-wise, I wasn’t a huge fan of the way they merely skirted around Thor’s ability to return to Earth (people who have seen Thor will recall he was trapped on his homeworld) and I guess Black Widow and Hawkeye aren’t given as much to do as the superstar celebrity Avengers are, but these are minor, minor complaints. Also, whilst The Avengers works as a stand-alone film, I do feel you’ll get more out of it if you’ve seen (and more importantly, liked) the previous Marvel Studios titles. The film does a good job of characterising the superhero squad, but you’ll simply be more invested if you’re that much more familiar with the characters.

“If we can’t protect the Earth, you can be damn well sure we’ll avenge it.”

The Avengers makes all that teasing, foreshadowing and promising worthwhile. The big question I suppose is whether or not it dethrones the mighty Dark Knight in the “best superhero film ever” stakes. I’d prefer to sidestep that. It’s just as awesome, but in a different way. It’s part of a completely different spectrum of superhero adaptations. It’s certainly the purest superhero film out there, but I can’t see them using that on the poster anytime soon. It’s been a long time since I left the cinema with my mind blown, a seemingly permanent smile on my face and my faith fully restored in the film-viewing experience. It’s just so rare to see a blockbuster that works this well and for it to be such an unmitigated success. Go and see this film. Multiple times. And take me with you.

Titanic 3D

As it comes out at the end of the week, I thought I’d share my review of Titanic 3D on my own blog. It originally appeared on The People’s Movies, where I also do whatever it is I do.

Titanic 3D (2012)

I suppose any review of the 3D re-release of Titanic, still one of the highest grossing films ever, is a bit pointless. Chances are high that you’ve already seen Cameron’s “disasterpiece” and have already made up your mind whether or not to watch it with stupid specs on. Having only seen Titanic on VHS several eons ago, it was an interesting experience to see it all on the big screen and I felt I could view the film with fresh eyes, feeling like I needed a new pair after 3 hours of headache-inducing dimensionality.

“I’m the king of the world!”

As Titanic is one of the most famous films ever, I know you don’t need a plot summary, but I like the way my keyboard clickety-clacks when I type so I’ll give you one anyway. We join a group of scruffy treasure hunters searching for the Heart of the Ocean, a hugely valuable blue diamond necklace, amongst the sunken remains of the Titanic. During their fruitless search, they come across a nude portrait of a woman wearing the sought-after jewel. Turns out this woman’s still alive and is choppered out to the salvage vessel where she tells a tale of true love between her 17 year old self (Kate Winslet) and grimy dreamboat Jack (Leonardo DiCaprio) and her personal experience of the tragic sinking. It’s not hard to see why this was the planet’s favourite flick at one time. It’s a classic love story that clearly struck a chord with audiences worldwide. Thing is, both DiCaprio and Winslet are pretty wooden as the leads. They’ve both evolved into great actors, but I was surprised at how bland they both were here. Still, great acting is not required in Titanic. Many characters are as broadly painted as they come in order for as many people as possible to buy into the central romance. Billy Zane’s rich fiancée Cal, for instance, is basically a Disney villain, specifically Gaston from Beauty and the Beast. He’s an easy hate figure, being insanely rich and a douchebag to boot. He starts off as a snobby jerk but soon descends into moustache-twirling territory later on when he hits Rose, frames Jack and uses a lost, crying child as a ticket onto one of the lifeboats.

The love story doesn’t gel with me, but I get that it’s a romantic fantasy. Just because I can’t stretch my suspension of disbelief that far, doesn’t mean other people can’t . It’s not a documentary. It’s basically Romeo and Juliet where Verona sinks. To me, Titanic works as a hallmark of epic filmmaking. I am loath to use the increasingly devalued word “epic”, but I use it in its correct sense, not in the sense that you and your squealing, vapid friends had an “epic” weekend. The scale of the film is really impressive. Whilst some of the then-ground breaking CGI looks slightly dated, it still doesn’t spoil the overall grandiose feeling . The actual sinking of the ship is still as awe-inspiring and horrific as it ever was. It’s all incredibly well handled by Cameron, who keeps everything as practical and as realistic as possible, despite the heavy use of effects. The last half of the film really pulls things together. It becomes tense, exciting and affecting. If you don’t feel something when the band plays “Nearer My God to Thee” and we see an old couple hunkered down in their bed as the seawater fills the room or when we see a mother reading her kids a permanent bedtime story, you’re dead inside. It’s rough stuff.

So then, the 3D. Well, it’s the best post-conversion job I’ve seen. Everything from the title to the icy finale is all sticky-outy. After Avatar, James Cameron has become the easily-punchable face of 3D and it’s clear he didn’t want to merely run it through a computer like 2010′s Clash of the Titans rush-job, post-conversion scam. Some actual thought has been put into this, but with all the things now sticking out at me, the one thing that was most prominent was the question “why?”. I can sort of understand the recent Star Wars re-release (although it doesn’t mean I can’t hate it as much as I do) as it’s a big sci-fi with space battles and the like. But Titanic is such an odd choice for 3D-ifying. Director/studio greediness aside, it doesn’t make sense. It doesn’t add anything to the film at all. If anything, it makes the effects look worse. There’s a big, sweeping shot of the ship where it’s clear CGI versions of the actors are traversing the deck, plotting the ship’s course and chatting to each other. Thing is, 3D makes things look smaller and messes with your sense of scale. As a result, this particular shot looks like a clip from The Sims: Disaster Edition.

“I’ll never let go, Jack. I’ll never let go.”

Titanic is a weird one, whilst I’m not convinced by the central romance or the acting, it still manages to be an entertaining disaster epic. Having said that, am I the only one who finds it a bit tacky to base a fictional love story around a real-life disaster? Are they going to do a buddy picture set in the Hindenburg next? This wouldn’t really be a problem, but I feel this is further cheapened by the fact that it’s now being re-released in gimmicky 3D to coincide with the 100th anniversary of the ship’s sinking. It’s a blatant, naked cash grab, not a heartfelt memorial. I’m not getting all moral on you or anything, just a thought. So, to recap: Titanic good, 3D not needed, the film clearly shows the door couldn’t support both of them- that’s why he’s in the water.

The Hunger Games

I’m back, baby! After a few months concentrating on selling out, I’m ready to rejoin the obscure bloggers’ ranks once again. That’s not to say I’m not going to continue infecting other parts of the ‘Net. There’s plenty of me to go around, guys. Well, if my BMI is anything to go by.

 The Hunger Games (2012)

Much like the Twilight series before it, it seems that The Hunger Games has tapped into the lucrative young teen market and made a goddamn bundle in the process. That’s where the Twi-likenesses end though. On the subject of comparisons, let’s get this out of the way.  Yeah, there are similarities to Battle Royale but it’s not the Americanised rip-off some people have been decrying it as. To my eyes, the film shares DNA with not only Battle Royale, but Lord of the Flies, The Running Man, The Truman Show and I even saw a little bit of First Blood in there (Katniss reminded me of a female Rambo or “Rambette”, if you will.). Don’t piss on things because they’re popular, piss on them because they deserve it. Fact of the matter is, The Hunger Games doesn’t deserve it. It’s genuinely great.

“This is the time to show them everything. Make sure they remember you.”

The Hunger Games is set in a futuristic, dystopian version of the United States called Panem, where the country is split up into an extremely wealthy capital and surrounded by 12 impoverished districts. As punishment for a working-class uprising over 70 years ago, a barbaric, televised gladiatorial battle called The Hunger Games is held each year in which 24 young people or “tributes” (a male and female from each district) are chosen by a lottery and forced to kill each other until only one victor remains. We join District 12’s Katniss Everdeen (Jennifer Lawrence), who volunteers to enter the games in place of her younger sister, and follow her journey to the Capitol along with male tribute Peeta Mellark (Josh Hutcherson) as they prepare to fight for their lives. The overall plot is solid. I loved the backstory, the post-apocalyptic setting and the ideas and issues the film tackles. From the opening, there’s a palpable sense of dread as we build up to the games themselves. This isn’t some lunkhead action where the main character finally has an outlet for their mad brutality skillz (à la Ah-nuld in The Running Man). Whilst not helpless, Katniss is still vulnerable and we are scared for her. Speaking of Katnip Everyteen, Jennifer Lawrence is really impressive as the lead. She plays Katniss with a determined resignation, rather than slipping into ball-busting, female badass clichés. Josh Hutcherson was alright as Peeta, with most of his lines muted in my head due to his jaw being one of the squarest I’ve ever seen,second only to that guy in Michael Bay’s 1996 masterpiece The Rock. Woody Harrelson pops up as a past champion with an understandable drinking problem. Donald Sutherland mumbles a few lines through a white beard, Elizabeth Banks changes costume a lot and Lenny Kravitz successfully pulls off gold eyeliner. Most of the adults are inconsequential. The focus here is on the kids and rightfully so.

The Hunger Games deals with some dark stuff. Children pitted against each other in a battle to the death is a terrifying concept. There’s something deeply unsettling about how psyched Panem’s 1% are for their annual crueltyfest. The thing that sent shivers down my spine is merely alluded to in general conversation between Katniss and hometown hunk Gale (Liam Hemsworth), where it transpires that if you are starving, you can get food from the government in exchange for another entry into the lottery with some people having to rely on this system so heavily, being picked is a damn near certainty. Brr. Despite being rabbited about endlessly, I didn’t find the violence that shocking. It’s pretty strong for a 12A, but Quantum of Solace had the same rating and had the unbelievably grim scene where the CraigHulk stabs a man in the neck before shanking him in the back of the thigh. He then proceeds to lie the man down, all the while checking his pulse and patiently waiting for the poor bastard to bleed out. My point is, hand-wringing parental groups and Daily Mail readers have (unsurprisingly) got it wrong. The film shouldn’t be a 15. As a parent, you should just pay extra attention to the “A” bit in the 12A rating. The film sidesteps the gore anyway with liberal use of the Bourne shakycam, which can get distracting. However, at least its use here is justified given the already established fanbase, rather than just a cheap technique to make the film look “edgy” and “dynamic”. The deaths are harrowing though. It’s just some of them smack of compromise and considering the bleak, grim world we’re presented, shying away from kiddie deaths at the last minute seems a bit pointless. I wasn’t gunning for decapitations or anything, it’s just really noticeable at times. Especially the fight with the psycho knife girl who (invisotext for spoilerphobes) seemingly just ups and dies after being slammed against a wall a few times.

I really liked the whole “playing up for the cameras” angle. Katniss is constantly reminded that it’s a TV show and to court the sponsors who can aid her in battle with little gift packages like much-needed medicine. The fake relationship she has with Peeta is well handled and takes a few sideswipes at reality TV while it’s at it. There are a few things that didn’t make sense to me though. Why is she known as “The Girl on Fire” when Peeta was wearing the same outfit? Secondly, did Cinna just create this new technology of fake fire? Thirdly, what was the point in sucking up to the sponsors when Haymitch was the only one sending her stuff? FUCKING STOP RIGHT THERE. I know what Hunger Games fans are going to say: (adopt a grating nerd voice”) “It’s explained in the book blah blah blah” /nerdvoice. I don’t care. A film adaptation is a tabula rasa as far as I’m concerned. It’s the film’s job to explain these technicalities if it includes them and it’s the film’s fault if it doesn’t do that well enough. Having the commentators (Stanley Tucci and Toby Jones) explaining the rules of the games is a neat touch, but they are overused and soon become irritating. Also, Peeta’s camouflage “skill” is laughable and raises more questions than it should. I felt the ending was rushed too, with some shonky CGI undercutting the drama somewhat. Still, (invisotext) I really liked Cato’s last scene. Instead of just a psychopathic hulking brute, it turns out he had some humanity left in him too. Whilst in spoiler territory, Seneca Crane’s (Wes Bentley) last scene was darkly brilliant. 

“May the odds be ever in your favour.”

I thought The Hunger Games was great. It’s dark, exciting and enthralling. It’s a good, solid film that mostly sticks to its guns. Bring on the sequels.

Shame

Been a bit busy recently, so haven’t updated in a while. I saw the Steve McQueen (not that one) film Shame a few weeks ago and will now let you all know what I thought about it. Since it’s predominantly about sex, I’ll try to ease up on the childish jokes, but I can’t promise anything.

Shame (2012)

I’m going to blow my reviewing wad early by starting off with the admission that I didn’t like Shame. It’s a grim, angsty bit of filmmaking that feels its really meaningful, but actually comes across as a student film with a much higher budget complete with predictable depressing ending. I realise that calling a film everyone’s having a massive intellectual wank over “pretentious” may make me look bad by comparison, but sod it. I’d much rather watch something dumb but fun like The A-Team than this rusty bucket of spunk.

“We’re not bad people. We just come from a bad place.”

Shame is the story of Brandon (Michael Fassbender) a 30-something man living in New York. Brandon suffers from sexual addiction and is finding it harder and harder (fnarr, fnarr) to keep it from bleeding into his professional and social life. Things change for Brandon when his wayward sister Sissy (Carey Mulligan) comes to stay, forcing Brandon to come to terms with how he’s living his life. I like the overall idea of Shame. Off the top of my head, I can’t remember many films dealing with sex addiction and this certainly seems like the most realistic portrayal of it. Both Fassbender and Mulligan give really strong performances, although I think Mulligan has been better elsewhere (cough Drive cough). Fassbender’s Brandon reminded me of Oldman’s George Smiley in Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy, where you know despite the cool exterior, there’s some serious emotional juice bubbling just beneath the surface. The film is well shot and there are some really interesting flourishes here and there, including one shot where Brandon is frantically binning all his nudie mags and DVDs and we get fast, flickering shots of naked flesh, ending on an arsehole (not a dig at Fass, that’s actually what happens). It’s like a pornographic version of the Marvel Studios logo and is my new forum avatar on several Christian websites.

I get what Shame is doing. I just don’t find it that compelling or interesting. The opening 10 minutes, with Fass strutting naked around his modern, threadbare apartment and eye-fucking the shit out of a girl on the subway reminded me of Patrick Bateman in American Psycho. In fact, the opening 20 minutes could easily be the start of a serial killer film, right down to Brandon’s cold, removed way of ghosting through life and seeming alone, even when in a room full of people. The film perks up a bit when Sissy comes to town and inadvertently holds up a mirror to Brandon’s life. Is he as damaged and needy as she is? I didn’t care. I didn’t feel sorry for either of them. I really liked a bit near the end where Brandon seemingly gives up trying to fight his addiction and becomes an unapologetic poonhound, but I found this to be funny, rather than tragic.

There’s one scene that outlined Shame for me. It takes place in a swanky bar where Brandon and his boss are watching Sissy perform. She sings an excruciatingly slow version of New York, New York and everyone agrees it was brilliant. Mulligan has a nice voice, but I can’t stand those long, drawn-out jazz renditions of popular songs. I know some people solely want to fill their ears with that stuff and consider it a purer, stripped-down form of music, but I need something with a little bit of oomph to it- and it’s the same with film. I don’t mind character studies or ruminations on the human condition, but don’t give me this sort of toss and tell me it’s “deep”.

“You come in here and you’re a weight on me. Do you understand me? You’re a burden.”

Shame is a study of addiction with delusions of being more significant than it is. It’s a long, grim slice of artistic nonsense that forgets to make you care for the characters. If this is your sort of film, fine. You take it away with you and stroke your chin red raw. I’ll be over here, in this corner, having fun.

The Artist

So here’s Hugo‘s biggest rival at the Oscars, The Artist. Most of the night will be dedicated to overpaid, undertalented bellends all slapping each other on the back and smiling like they’ve never slaughtered a sex worker or five in their time. In case you haven’t guessed, I don’t really like award season. Especially when deserving films like Drive, for instance, are almost completely overlooked in favour of mediocre “racism iz bad” flicks like The Help. The Golden Globes are a joke, the Oscars are a sham, but I quite like the BAFTAs. Anyway- here’s a film that actually deserves the praise lauded upon it.

The Artist (2011)
 
Much like Hugo, The Artist‘s presentation could easily dismissed as a “gimmick”. Some of the criticism levelled at this film has been concerning the fact that there’s not much depth to the film and the black and white visuals, title cards and swingin’ soundtrack are just ways of hiding this fact. These people are obviously great, big swaggering cretins. The Artist is a pastiche of storytelling in the silent era. Most films were simple love stories, because the medium was just starting to find its feet and fuck, it’s what people wanted to see. It’s the reason romantic comedies are still about to this very day. 
“…”
The Artist tells the story of silent movie star George Valentin (Jean Dujardin) who literally bumps into Peppy Miller (Bérénice Bejo) outside a movie premiere and due to his showing off and propensity for posing accidentally sets her on the path to superstardom. Meanwhile, the movie-making business is changing and people are demanding “talkies” over his more traditional output, a notion which Valentin scoffs at and Miller is more than happy to step up to, filling the megastar-shaped hole left by him. So, as I said in the first paragraph, it’s basically a simple love story. Having said that, there are enough caveats and interesting twists and turns to stop the film from being entirely predictable. I thought both Jean Dujardin and Bérénice Bejo were fantastic in their roles. Both have the silent acting styles down to a tee and are take plenty of opportunities to mug and exaggerate facial expressions. Also, James “That’ll do, pig” Cromwell and John “brings the ruckus” Goodman make appearances. Oh, and Valentin’s dog, who steals every scene he’s in.
I really had fun watching The Artist. The novelty of watching a silent film didn’t wear off and came across as downright charming. The only downside to this being that you can hear the old biddy three rows back rustling her sodding sweet wrappers with startling clarity. There were times where I forgot I was watching a silent film as I was caught up in the melodrama of it all. It’s important to note that The Artist isn’t the first film to do the retrospective silent thing, as Mel Brooks did it about 40 years ago with Silent Movie. It could be argued that Brooks did a lot more with the gimmick than The Artist does. However, that’s really beside the point.
There’s one really talked about scene where Valentin has a nightmare sequence in which sound invades his life for the first time and he finds himself unable to speak. At first I rolled my eyes because I assumed the film was going to pull a Pleasantville with sound instead of colour, and have sound slowly become the norm. Thankfully, it doesn’t come to that and the sequence is remarkably well done. The film is also genuinely funny and had me smiling throughout most of the runtime. Well, at the bits that were appropriate, anyway. I found the film to be quite moving too (Fuck you, War Horse) with Valentin’s fall from grace really striking a chord with me.
 “…” 
The Artist is really a unique experience. It may be a cynical callback to the infancy of Hollywood, but it really didn’t seem like it to me. It’s a sharply observed tribute to the silent era which managed to both charm and move me in a way very few films do. Yes, a deep love of cinema or an appreciation for stars like Buster Keaton or Harold Lloyd may help, but it’s a classic melodrama that entertained the living hell out of me. Plus, the ending is amazing. Go and see it whilst you still can at the cinema, it’s one of the best films to see with an audience (well, unless you live in Liverpool)

Hugo

With the Oscar nominations announced, I was made aware that I hadn’t even seen the two frontrunners, Hugo and The Artist. So, I organised a trip to the nearest place with a pulse and a multiplex and remedied the embarrassing situation I found myself in.

Hugo (2011)
 

The Academy are a funny old bunch, aren’t they? To me, they seem like a typical elderly man character in a bad sitcom. For instance, they frequently show how out-of-touch they are, overlooking culturally important flicks in favour of schmaltzy toss. Also, they seem to forget things only to remember them much later, such as Scorsese’s Oscar for The Departed and Gary Oldman’s “oh, fucking finally!” type nomination this year. Coupled with The Artist, a more cynical man than I would point out that both these films are just pandering to the Academy, knowing full-well that the voters fucking love films that boil down to talking about how bloody brilliant films are and how movie-making is, like, really important, yeah? However, I’m not that cynical and am happy to say Hugo and The Artist both won me over with their charm and general rocking of the shit.

“I’d imagine the whole world was one big machine. Machines never come with any extra parts, you know. They always come with the exact amount they need. So I figured, if the entire world was one big machine, I couldn’t be an extra part. I had to be here for some reason.”

Asa Butterfield plays the titular Hugo, an orphan boy who secretly lives in the walls of a bustling Parisian train station, constantly having to duck and avoid Inspector Gustav (Sacha Baron Cohen) who would like nothing better than to send our grubby hero off to the orphanage. Things change when Hugo meets Isabelle (Chloë Grace Moretz), an adventurous bookworm who is in possession of an unusual key that may unlock the secret to Hugo’s prized possession- a broken automaton left by his father. I hate to sound like I’ve read the official namby-pamby PR blurb for Hugo, but it actually is a magical, fun-filled, family film. I’m sorry, I can’t think of anything more fitting than that. It doesn’t talk down to its kiddie audience and actually deals with some pretty adult stuff. The performances are all great, with Asa Butterfield doing his wide-eyed best as Hugo. Chloë Moretz aka the foul mouthed Hit-Girl from Kick-Ass, is charming as Isabelle, also nailing the British accent that everyone in 1930s Paris seems to have. Sir Ben Kingsley is predictably good, but the surprise for me was Sacha Baron Cohen. After initially dismissing his character as childish slapstick giggle fodder, I was taken aback at how much I warmed to his friendlier take on the Child Catcher. 

Hugo is a love letter to cinema. It’s a tribute to the early innovators of the art and in particular, the work of Georges Méliès. This is done tastefully and isn’t the frantic, uncoordinated suckjob I expected all of this “love of cinema” stuff to be. I got the feeling Scorsese has genuine admiration for these pioneers and it permeates the film. However, as enthralling as I found all of this to be, the thought occurred that all of  this may be a bit too boring for some kids. There are no “comedy” CGI creatures that run into walls or fart, for instance. There’s also a nightmare sequence where Hugo turns into the metal faced automaton which may disturb the wussier kids in the audience. Still though, what the hell do I know? Haven’t been a kid for a long time and don’t plan on becoming a parent any time soon.

So, the 3D. The fucking 3D. I hate to say it, but it was good. Before I start telling you about how well Scorsese handled the technology and the like, I want to make it clear. Hugo has still not sold me on 3D. It’s still an overpriced gimmick that I cannot wait to see the back of. Having said that, this is the best 3D integration I’ve seen. The opening shot is of a snowy Paris, with snowflakes falling before your eyes and the film continues impressing from there. That’s not to say it’s in your face the entire time. Like the best 3D, you sort of forget you’re watching one until the next thing gets all up in your grill. Whilst added dimensionality usually adds something between “fuck” and “all”, I get the feeling Hugo might not be quite as much fun without all the whizz-bang 3D when it comes to DVD. Time will tell on that one.

“If you’ve ever wondered where your dreams come from, you look around. This is where they’re made.”

I left Hugo with a big smile on my face. It’s an immensely enjoyable family film that manages to be a fun kiddie flick and a film fan’s wet dream at the same time. It’s genuinely affecting at points too, which has made me think I was too soft on War Horse and all its forced sentimentality. I hope Hugo is the start of a smarter breed of kids films and that studios realise that 3D can be used to great effect when a) you have a great director in charge or b) when it suits the mood of the film. I realise I may as well wish for fucking wings, considering Ice Age 4 and Madagascar 3 are farting into your local multiplex soon, but I can dream, can’t I?

Haywire

In true Popcorn Bucket fashion, the film world is buzzing about awards and y’know- films that actually matter and I toddled off to see an action film with lots of punching, kicking and the occasional sexy chokehold.

Haywire (2012) 

You can just never predict what Steven Soderbergh is going to do next. From gritty biopics like the Che films to the crowd-pleasing frippery of the Ocean’s trilogy, the guy chops and changes track more often than a particularly indecisive iPod Shuffle. So, fresh from last year’s disease epic Contagion, Soderbergh has chosen to helm an action film made to showcase MMA star Gina Carano’s arse-kicking abilities and backing her up with an impressive cast list of famous faces. Like him or not, you can’t criticise the man for being a one trick pony.
“You shouldn’t think of her as being a woman. That would be your first mistake.”
Haywire centres on Mallory Kane (Gina Carano, best described as a lantern-jawed, cage-fighting version of Rebecca Black), a black ops agent who is betrayed by her organisation. Kane then goes rogue in order to track down the people responsible. That is really about it. I’ll forgive you for yawning. The plot is as uninspired as they come.It’s something we’ve seen a hundred times before and done better elsewhere. I get the feeling that the plot isn’t the point of the film however. This is basically a B movie (well, that specific kind of recent Hollywood B movie that imitates everything but the tiny budget) and as such, some schlock is to be expected. It’s almost a parody of the genre, but doesn’t quite tip the balance. I was really impressed with Gina Carano though. Considering this is her first film, she’s great. Granted, she’s playing a nigh-on emotionless unstoppable badass, but she definitely has a screen presence. As I said above, the supporting cast is terrific, especially Michael Fassbender and Ewan McGregor. Also human gerund Channing Tatum is here, lending his muscular blandness and strangely smooth face to proceedings. 
Sod the plot though, action is why (disappointingly few) people are sitting down to watch this. I must say, the action’s great. Stevey Sodas strips current Hollywood fight conventions back down to the wire. There is no shaky-cam bullshit, no up-tempo music and no wire-fu. All you hear during the brutal fights are grunts and dull thuds. Each hit sounds like a heftily swung baseball bat hitting a sack of wet steaks. It’s refreshing to actually see the impressive choreography rather than try and make it out from frenetic editing and spastic camerawork. Carano’s fight with Fassbender in a Dublin hotel room is especially well done. There’s also a rooftop chase, which aims for realism, rather than hyper-excitement. The film can be quite minimalist at times, which can be very effective. There’s a scene where Mallory is walking down a Dublin street, expecting danger to come from any angle. The camera tracks her for a good 3/4 minutes, just walking on the pavement, with all the sounds of city life around her. This ain’t your typical action affair.
Whilst the plot can be forgiven to an extent, the rest of the film didn’t quite hang together for me. I really wanted to love this film, but there were too many things getting in the way. For one, I found the score to be truly obnoxious, with David Holmes, the man behind the slick Oceans’ soundtracks, basically doing the same jazzy, cool schtick with added annoying blaring brass bits. It’s repetitive and doesn’t sit well with the movie at all. The film can really drag too, with characters endlessly spouting expository dialogue to pad out the weak-as-fuck plot.
“You can tell me right now why you sold me out- or you can tell me in ten minutes when I have my hands around your throat”
In Mallory Kane, we finally have a proper female equal to Jason Bourne. Screw Angelina Jolie’s Salt or even Saoirse Ronan’s Hanna, Kane is the real deal. Haywire is a mixed bag. As an audition tape for Carano’s action chops, it works fantastically well. As a film, it falters, despite a stylish presentation and bloody decent fighting. Hopefully Carano will get the vehicle she’s crying out for soon.