Author: Ben Browne

Alien 3

Yup, I’m banging the old retro drum again with Alien 3, disappointingly not called “Alienses!”.

Alien 3 (1992)

Where to begin with this one? Whilst loudmouthed fanpeople sweatily debate over which is superior: Scott’s original or Cameron’s sequel, they generally agree that Alien 3 is where it all went wrong and started a nosedive that the franchise still hasn’t managed to pull itself out of (the last film to feature them was the scarily recent and terrifyingly shit Aliens Vs. Predator: Requiem in 2007) So what went wrong? Well, numerous things. They had hired newbie director David Fincher (yes, that one), who was unused to huge studio productions, they started shooting without a completed script and were financially in the red from the very beginning ($7 million had already been spent, with $2 million of that going on sets that were unused) and most importantly, the studio execs were constantly pushing in their cocaine-dusted nostrils in where they weren’t wanted, resulting in Fincher walking out before the final edit.

“You’re all gonna die. The only question is how you check out. Do you want it on your feet? Or on your fuckin’ knees… begging?”

So, after escaping LV-426, Ripley (Sigourney Weaver) crash lands onto prison planet Fiorina ‘Fury’ 161. Things aren’t exactly looking up for Ripley as the inhabitants of Fury 161 are all imprisoned for violence in all its flavours, from the Vanilla of standard physical stuff to the horrific Raspberry Ripple of sexual crimes. Ripley soon meets Doctor Clemens (Charles Dance), seemingly the only sane person on the planet. However, things go from bad to worse as it transpires that Ripley has unwittingly brought an alien hitchhiker with her in her pod, which is now picking off prisoners left, right and centre. I actually don’t mind the story too much, although it’s nowhere near as decent as the well-plotted previous films. Sigourney Weaver is still impressive as Ripley, although she’s not given as much depth as in Aliens. I thought Charles Dance was good and I liked Paul McGann as Golic. Charles S. Dutton is also solid as Dillon. Thing is, all of these characters are severely under-developed and not nearly as memorable as any of the people in Alien or Aliens. Most of them are interchangeable blood balloons, ready to be popped by the all-too-willing slavering alien.

Alien 3 is a frustrating mess. There’s a good film in here somewhere and if more care and attention had been given to it, it could have been a gem. I was on board with the decision to scale it back after Cameron’s noisy, all-out war on the creatures. Fincher goes back to Scott’s original and just has the one beast tear-arsing about and murdering folk. It’s a smart move as trying to out-epic Aliens would have been tough and unrewarding. I really like the intro sequence, with the 20th Century Fox fanfare segueing directly into the creepy score and the little flashes of a facehugger crawling around in the escape pod. There are a couple of nice little ideas scattered throughout. There’s this incredibly famous bit, our first Alien P.O.V. shot, on both ceiling and floor and this fantastically timed F-Bomb, which always gets a laugh from me. The setting is hellish but awesome and I’m a fan of the slight redesign of the alien- the beast being a different colour and having snarling lips due to its surroundings and its original host.

Most of the time though, the film sucks. I imagine the off-screen killing of Hicks and Newt pissed off a lot of fans. Personal beef aside, they’re great characters that deserve a better send-off than this. It’s also boring at times, something the previous two never suffered from. There are plot holes galore, ranging from where the alien egg came from in the first place, to what happened to Golic. Golic’s one of the only interesting characters and to just leave him on a hospital bed gibbering about the “dragon” is unforgivable (this is fixed in the “Assembly” cut of the film, however) Also, for some odd reason about midway through everyone starts saying “fuck” like it’s going out of style. I believe it’s after Ripley learns that the facility has no weapons and she says “We’re fucked”. After this, it’s wall-to-wall fucks, which gets unintentionally funny, destroying any tension that was accidentally created. I get that they’re stressed and such, but it gets ridiculous.

“You’ve been in my life so long, I can’t remember anything else.”

Alien 3 just isn’t very good. Too many things don’t make sense, it gets plodding and tedious where it should be upping the ante and it just feels like its treading water until its unsatisfying conclusion. It batters you over the head with previously subtle series hallmarks such as motherhood and just ends up making you wish they’d drawn a line under Aliens and walked away. The Assembly cut does make more sense out of this mess, but Christ would have I been angry if I’d seen this in cinemas.

Rise of the Planet of the Apes

Another new release before I crash headlong into Fincher’s Alien 3. As I said in my Aliens review, I’m doing the theatricals, so it’s going to be particularly painful. Anyway: Rise of the Planet of the Apes aka How the Earth Done Got Monkey-Fucked.

Rise of the Planet of the Apes (2011)

I have one query about Rise of the Planet of the Apes : (Hereby referred to as “Rise…” because the title is ridiculously long and awkward. Even the acronym ROTPOTA is rather inelegant and looks like an anagram clue in a crappy newspaper i.e. 36. Underwhelming nu-metal band (7)) is this one of the only films to be a feature-length spoiler? Fair enough, the twist ending of the original Planet of the Apes is so well known they felt comfortable enough to put it on the DVD cover, but still! It’s like having an entire film dedicated to a carpenter making Charles Foster Kane’s sled. Thinking about it, I suppose the Star Wars prequels kind of count, but I’d prefer not to think too hard about them for obvious reasons.

“You’re trying to control things that are not meant to be controlled.”

Will Rodman (James Franco) is working on a cure for Alzheimer’s disease. After some apparently failed tests on chimpanzees, the project is scrapped and the test subjects ordered to be destroyed. Rodman ends up saving a baby chimp named Caesar who starts to display remarkable intelligence as he ages. After attacking a neighbour, Caesar is imprisoned with other apes and starts to see the ugly side of humanity. The story’s great, somehow making the “primates taking over Earth” thing not only feel plausible, but even getting you to root for the damned dirty apes. It’s a scientific breakthrough gone bad. Think Jurassic Park but from the point of view of the dinosaurs. The human characters in this are quite bland (although that may be the point). James Franco is alright, but he’s doing his Harry Osborn acting rather than his Aron Ralston (from 127 Hours). Frieda Pinto is good as Rodman’s gal, Caroline, but severely underused. It is nice to see her in something after Slumdog Millionaire though. John Lithgow does a surprising turn as Rodman’s Alzheimer’s addled father. It’s an understated portrayal and not something I’d expect from the main guy in 3rd Rock from the Sun. Good to see Brian Cox doin’ his thang too.

The main talking point is obviously Caesar, who is brilliantly realised by a combination of CGI and the awesome mo-cap work of Andy Serkis. The evolution of him from brilliant baby to a fully-grown revolutionary is extremely well-handled. There’s a fantastic scene where Rodman and Caroline take Caesar for a forest walk and he’s barked at by a dog on a lead. Despondent, he slinks back to the car and after some gentle persuasion from Rodman, he asks using sign language whether he is a pet or not. Little touches like this make you completely forget he is a computer creation. He’s Gollum 2.0 and I can’t think of much higher praise than that. The CGI is astounding too. Yes, there are a couple of bits where things don’t look quite right, but most of it is photo-realistic and utterly convincing.

Rise… is so well executed even potentially dumb scenes end up being great moments. When Caesar is imprisoned, we see him slowly plan and plot a revolution. In a lesser film, it could have been laughable- in this, it contains some of the best bits in the film. A prime example is the scene where prime ape abuser Dodge (Tom Felton) utters one of the most famous Heston lines from the original flick. I normally hate franchise references in reboots/prequels (see J.J. Abrams’ Star Trek) but my disappointment turned to cinematic joy soon after (intentionally vague, I think it would take away from the bit if I told you what happened).

The film also ends one of the most impressive action set-pieces I’ve seen in a while (I said the same about the Super 8 train crash, but this trumps it- I was going to say “I’ve seen since Super 8“, but that sounds like a snarky diss) and is now top of my Best Scenes of 2011 list (so far). It took a while to get there, but apes rose and my jaw dropped. Apes taking on armed police on the Golden Gate Bridge? FUCK YES. Instead of the cumbersome title, they should have called this film Gorilla Vs. Helicopter. They would sell twice as many tickets.

“It’s a madhouse!”

Let’s face it, Rise of the Planet of the Apes was not needed. However, I’m so glad it exists. It’s a fantastic blockbuster and my surprise of the year thus far. I can’t really think of any real criticism, although I do wonder if San Francisco really does have such a booming primate population. I loved this film, but I’m a self-confessed blockbuster whore. There’s a simple test to see if you’re going to get anything out of this film: if you don’t even get the least bit excited at the phrase “monkey uprising”, then stay away. More ape warfare for the rest of us.

Aliens

Gung-ho sequel time. It only gets worse from here on out. Proper ray of sunshine, ain’t I? Also, before I continue, I just wanted to say that I’m reviewing the theatrical versions of these films. The director’s cut of Aliens is actually the better version in my book, but I figured I’d stick with what was originally shown in cinemas.

Aliens (1986)

After the financial and critical success of the first film and the easily sequelable (not a word, should be) ending, another Alien film was bound to be made. Imaginatively titled Aliens and helmed by James “supremely overrated” Cameron, it took all the subtlety and atmosphere of the first one and blew it out a goddamn airlock. I’m not saying that’s a bad thing. In fact, I welcome it. An attempt to just copy/paste the first one would have really been a mistake and it’s good to have Aliens on hand to show people just how to evolve your franchise rather than having studios just churning out the same crap again and again.

“Hey, maybe you haven’t been keeping up with current events, but we just got our asses kicked pal!”
We catch up with lone survivor (excluding the cat, pedants) of the Nostromo, Ellen Ripley (Sigourney Weaver) who has been in hypersleep for 57 years. She is picked up by “the company” and made to tell her story of horror and survival. Initially disbelieved, Ripley is made to look like a fool, but is soon reluctantly recruited into the Colonial Marines to return to the planet LV-426, the planet from the first film, to investigate the lack of communication from the colonists there. Plot-wise, the film’s solid. I like the fact that we learn more about Ripley in this one. She goes from (admittedly tougher than the usual) horror scream queen in the first, to arse-kicking warrior in this installment. Sigourney Weaver is so damn good as Ripley. You can see why she became such a big star after these performances. Of the badass marines, I like most of them, although I personally find Hicks (Michael Biehn) to be a nice, thick slice of “Who gives a fuck?”. Special mentions go to the cigar chomping Sergeant Apone (Al Matthews), the tough as diamond nails Pvt.Vasquez (Jenette Goldstein) and the whiny, but entertaining Pvt. Hudson (Bill Paxton), who gets to say most of my favourite lines from the film. Lance Henriksen is totally likeable as Bishop and I think Paul Reiser turns in a good performance as the appropriately named Burke- although embarrassingly, it seems like he and Weaver had been going to the same barber.

You may have noticed that I didn’t mention Newt (Carrie Henn) in the above paragraph. This is because I fucking hate Newt. I understand the character’s role in the whole thing (Ripley’s daughter is dead and the whole issue of motherhood is prevalent throughout) but Jesus Christ, do I wish Newt a) was played by a better child actor and b) had less shit lines to gurgle from her muddy, Cabbage Patch Kid-esque face. I don’t enjoy picking on a child’s performance- it doesn’t exactly make me feel like a big man, but this is a genuine gripe for me. Most of it is due to the writing. The little exchange at the end between the two really makes me wonder how the lines got into the final script:

“NEWT: Can we sleep all the way home?
RIPLEY: All the way home.
NEWT: Can I dream?
RIPLEY: Yes, honey. I think we both can.”

Not only do I find that little bit rage and vomit inducing, but my question is this: what kid speaks like that? I understand that Newt is a pretty smart kid, having survived on her wits alone. However, even taking that into account, there’s something so off-puttingly unnatural about Newt’s lines. “Can I dream?” sounds like a line from a cheesy movie about a self-aware robot or some such toss.
Anyway- that’s my only real problem with Aliens. The stakes are significantly upped and the film is all the better for it. The tagline “This time it’s war” isn’t lying. Cameron brings the noise and we have all-out battles pitting a steadily declining group of marines against an army of the acid-blooded motherfuckers. I love the way the aliens blend into the environment. If one had their “subtext analysis” hat on (and I did, my “sit back and just enjoy the sodding thing” hat was in the wash) some parallels with the Vietnam war could be drawn. Actually, you don’t even need a special hat- Cameron isn’t the master of subtlety. If something needs to be stated, you may as well overstate it if you’re James Cameron.
There are fantastic sequences throughout. I love the facehugger scene where Ripley and (sigh) Newt are trapped in a room with two of the scurrying bastards. I love Burke’s innocent face after he’s just turned off the monitor showing a clearly panicked and wildly gesticulating Ripley. Ooh- that curly-haired shit! (by that I mean Burke, by the way). There’s also the iconic Powerloader scene, which is just as air-punchingly cathartic as it was when I first saw it. Like the first one, there are little moments to appreciate too. My favourite is the easily missable bit where Apone places his beloved cigar in his mouth milliseconds after waking from hypersleep- it’s not even a “bit” as such, but it’s a little touch that always makes me smile.
“Get away from her, you bitch!”
So yeah, despite being a complete departure from the things I liked about Alien, Aliens manages to find a level of greatness all of its own. It gets a bit relentless at times, but there’s just too much to like. I fucking hate Newt, but other than that, no qualms here.

Super 8

Taking a break from the Alien films to talk about a new film currently out in cinemas (at least here in the U.K.). Damn you Americans and your prompt release dates! Also don’t worry if you haven’t seen Supers 1 through 7- there’s a “Previously on…” segment at the start. Hohoho… #obviousjoke.

Super 8 (2011)
 
Whilst attending this year’s Amateur Reviewer Douchebag Convention (Or AmRevDoucheCon for short) it was made law that no Super 8 discussion could take place with mentioning Steven Spielberg. It’s tough not to- the guy’s influence is all over this film, despite only being an executive producer. This is J.J. Abrams’ baby- it just wears a cap, has a beard and gets together with George Lucas every now and again to discuss new and exciting ways to commit franchisicide and milk their loyal fans for every penny they have.
“If you speak of this, you and your parents will be killed.”
The film takes place in 1979 in the fictional small town of Lillian, Ohio. Whilst making a amateur zombie flick, a group of kids witness and accidentally film a massive train crash. One of the children, Joe (Joel Courtney) sees something escape from the wreckage, but the group are forced to run when the air force show up. Weird shit then starts happening in Lillian, such as car engines going missing, power surges and all the town’s dogs spontaneously running away to neighbouring towns. I really enjoyed the story. It was compelling and genuinely intriguing. On the one hand, the film is a growing-up, coming of age film and on the other a big scale, old-style mystery. Glibly, it’s like E.T. crossed with Cloverfield with a bit of The Goonies thrown in. We spend a lot of time with the kids, so it’s a good thing they’re all fantastic actors without exception. I normally get very irritated by precocious Hollywood brats, but these kids are different. Most impressive of all is Elle Fanning’s (yes, sister of Dakota) turn as Alice. I liked Joe’s dad (Kyle Chandler) too. I kept torturing myself over where I knew him from, finally I realised he’s the smug prick actor in Peter Jackson’s King Kong remake.
There are certain elements of Super 8 I really don’t like. As I mentioned before, it’s a 112 minute Spielbeard suckjob and the constant riffs on his 70’s/80’s work get a bit tiring if you’re a film nerd like me. I like Spielberg too, but I don’t feel the need to spend millions telling him so. Super 8 is a laser-guided nostalgia missile aimed at the minds of people like me who grew up watching E.T., The Goonies and any other 80’s adventure film starring kids i.e nearly all of them. We’re deep into stereotype territory here- there’s bossy fat one, the wuss, the bland hero, the girl and the er…pyromaniac. I haven’t made my mind up whether this film is a genuine love letter to those films or a cynical marketing ploy to remind people of a time when things weren’t so shit.
Having said that, the film is damn entertaining. The opening train crash is one of the best sequences in recent memory- it’s big, explody and exciting. It doesn’t make much sense though- the armoured, multi-carriage military train is derailed by a pick-up truck driven onto the tracks. Not only does the train not smash the complete fuck out of it, the driver survives to tell the kids plot important information! They have a throwaway line about this, but still- it’s the little things that matter, as I told my ex-girlfriend… on Opposite Day. Hah! There’s another stand-out sequence later on that I won’t spoil, but wow. Just wow.

“Stop talking about production value! The Air Force is going to kill us!” 

Every paragraph I write about this seems to devolve into a negative, but the film is actually brilliant. It’s flawed, but I’m only picking on the things that stop it from going from a great film to a fantastic one. I had a blast. It’s fast-paced and actually quite affecting at times. Despite the mawkish go-to plot device of having a dead parent, it’s handled well and there’s a bit with a locket that left me with a lump in my manly throat. So yeah, the effects are amazing, the story is fun and it has some old-school charm to it. Whilst I was initially reluctant to pay money for what was basically a hastily scribbled note from Abrams to Spielberg saying: “I LIKE U. DO U LIKE ME? YES/NO”, Super 8 won me over. It’s a lot of fun.

Alien

It’s the middle of blockbuster season, so you know what that means- that’s right! : a review of a 33 year old film not currently in cinemas! Hooray! Don’t worry, normal service will intermittently resume, focusing on a super number, some monkey planet rising and some crap I haven’t decided on yet. Anyway:

Alien (1979)
It’s hard to come up with original insights on a genre classic. I’ve seen Alien and Aliens countless times, less so the two others (the AvP series doesn’t count on account of its joyless shittery) and wondered why I haven’t ever officially reviewed them. The Alien films have always stood out to me as an interesting franchise. With most film series there is usually an effort at continuity in terms of a common stylistic thread, running through the films. Each entry in the Alien franchise has its own flavour and directorial imprint on it, be it the thoughtful, bleak crappiness of David Fincher’s Alien 3 or the balls-to-the-wall meathead action of James Cameron’s Aliens. Thanks to the couple of people on Facebook who had nothing better to do than vote for this series, it was made final- I was to enjoy/endure the films again so I could write reviews for y’all to enjoy/endure. So, before I start- here are the “jokes” I’ll be avoiding throughout my reviews: 1) any reference and/or pun relating to the super-famous tagline and 2) pointing out the fact that all the aliens look like shiny black dicks (to the person who eventually Googles those last three words and ends up here, I’m sorry to disappoint. But hey- come for the dicks, stay for the reviews!)
“The pit is completely enclosed. And it’s full of leathery objects, like eggs or something.”
We start with a cargo ship (in SPAAAACE!) called the Nostromo as it picks up a unknown signal from a nearby planet. The crew land and discover a downed alien spacecraft. Blah eggs blah facehugger blah stupid decision to bring Kane (John Hurt) back on board. If you haven’t seen Alien, close this review, slap yourself in the face and then order yourself a copy. A film simply cannot be this influential unless it was good to start with. Every time I watch it, I forget how slow it is. That sounds like a dig, but it isn’t. The film is a masterclass in pacing. There’s no dialogue for a good five minutes or so at the beginning and when the crew awake from hypersleep, it’s shot in a really lethargic, dream-like way. Things obviously quicken up later on once the alien starts getting his merk on, but my point remains. I think the Nostromo crew are great too. Sigourney Weaver is brilliant, Ian Holm surprisingly creepy and one-time Bond villain Yaphet Kotto (who dies the most embarrassing death in Bond history) is bad-ass as Parker.
I remember seeing Alien when I was a kid and it giving me nightmares for a while. Now I’m older, the scares are still effective, but have understandably lost some of their trouser-browning power, be it due to advances in special effects or the fact I’ve seen it a lot. I consider jump scares the lowest form of horror, a cheap move to get the wussier members of the audience to scream and call the film “really super scary 4realz” afterwards. Alien is proof that jump scares don’t annoy me nearly as much when the atmosphere is well done. For example, the bit where Dallas (Tom Skerritt) is in the vents and we hear the “blips” getting faster and faster is masterfully done. Also the famous chestburster scene is fantastic- although I have a problem with the way it scurries away. It looks like a dildo on wheels being pulled on a string.
It’s not the just the big sequences that impress me. I love the creepy touches, like the facehugger pulsing and tightening its horrific grip on the prone Kane’s neck. I like the claustrophic feel of the ship, despite it being massive. The end 20 minutes or so where Ripley is rocking an incinerator is so damn oppressive. We have Mother’s constant countdown, alarms, flashing lights, steam and the possibility of the alien being around the next corner to deal with. It’s tense stuff. Also, I love the design of the alien and the crashed ship. H.R. Giger- you’re a fucked up genius.
“Ash, are you kidding? This thing bled acid. Who knows what it’s gonna do when it’s dead?”
I don’t really have any gripes with Alien. If pushed, I would say the film didn’t need another villain in the form of (invisotexted, but God knows why) Ash, but then again, I can’t see the film working as well without it. Plus, I really like the character. Some of the effects have aged badly, but that’s not the film’s fault. As I said though, the chestburster running away always gets a guffaw from me. It’s tough to imagine the initial impact Alien must have had or calculate the influence it has had on modern sci-fi, but it still stands up to modern, cynical, horror-hating eyes such as mine. It’s a great film, simple as that.

Cars 2

Too many films to write-up. Still, nobody’s got a gun to my head, forcing me to do this- honest. So anyway, here’s my review of Pixar’s latest.

Cars 2 (2011)
I have a soft spot for the first Cars. It’s no masterpiece and certainly not one of Pixar’s best, but it’s entertaining enough. Then again, I liked the Michael J. Fox starring Doc Hollywood, which has a very similar plot, just with fewer talking cars. The original Cars still stands as one of the studio’s lowest rated films, so I figured this was them trying to make amends. Actually- no. No I didn’t. I’m smarter than that. There is only one reason why this film was made. Find out after the plot summary, same Bat-time, same Bat-channel.
“I call this move “what I accidentally did to my friend Luigi”
So, the story is as follows. Racecar Lightning McQueen (Owen Wilson) is invited to take part in the World Grand Prix, a three stage race to prove the effectiveness of a new biofuel called Allinol, championed by Miles Axelrod (Eddie Izzard). However, the focus of this film is not on McQueen, but his best friend Mater (Larry the Cable Guy) as he gets caught up in a spy plot involving super-suave British agent Finn McMissile (Michael Caine) and Holley Shiftwell (Emily Mortimer). The story is as average as you can get. I’ve seen countless films, T.V. shows and cartoons use the “mistaken identity” spy trope. It’s bog standard. Yet, here we are in 2011 and Cars 2 is waving this in our face like it’s a new thing. As is the case with these films, the voices are all great. It was nice to hear Michael Caine and Eddie Izzard. I also welcomed the quick cameos from Bruce Campbell and Lewis Hamilton. The quality of the voicework is not the issue here.
So- that shit cliffhanger I left you on a paragraph ago. The reason why this film was made. It’s THIS. $10 billion from merchandising?! That’s fucking insane. It would be naïve of me to say that merchandising hasn’t played a part in most Disney productions. They’re a huge conglomerate with many different revenue streams. However, this has got to be the only Pixar production created solely to make money and shift toys. The thing I’ve always liked and respected about Pixar is that they’re an ideas company. They have a big story focus. There is no evidence of this in Cars 2. There is no exciting story to tell, or important issue to touch upon. It’s just some hastily cobbled together insipid spy shit to make a quick buck out of those unfortunate enough to have children.
Anyway, despite the devious schemes behind it, I still didn’t rate the film. Cars 2 makes the same mistake On Stranger Tides did by having the comic relief take the main role. Thing is, I didn’t find Mater funny in the first one. In this one, he’s insufferable. Every single redneck utterance made me want to claw at my own face until only sticky muscle and sinew remained. Luckily, Caine was usually about to even this out. I was also slightly bothered that they had cars dying in this one. The one in particular that raised an eyebrow was early on in the film where one of the characters has been crushed into a cube. Damn. That’s pretty nasty.
 “How did the tow truck do it?”
Is there anything to like in this film, bar the voice talent? Well, yeah. As usual, the computer animation is gorgeous and the global vistas are genuinely impressive, especially the neons of nighttime Tokyo. The opening spy scene with McMissile is quite fun and the Toy Story Hawaiian Vacation short at the beginning is funnier than anything in the film. You may find things to enjoy in this film, but to me, this is the only time Pixar have talked down to their audience. It’s a kids’ film through and through with none of the usual multi-layering Pixar have become known for. It’s a loud, feature-length toy advert, which unfortunately seems to be going around lately.

Black Swan

I don’t do requests often. Not because I think I’m above ’em. I just don’t get ’em. So, when the request to finally review Black Swan came in, I pounced on it, like a tramp on a loose fiver blowing down the street. I’m not sure why I haven’t reviewed it until now. In fact, many of the 2011 Oscar winners haven’t been covered on this blog. I’ve seen most of them too. Hmm. Anyway, Portman dun wun a purdy statchoo for this’un, so I guess I’d better comment. I realise this is like shouting “Freebird!” two weeks after a concert has ended, but roll with it.

Black Swan (2010)

It may be because I fancy myself as a blockbuster revolutionary/moron (come at me, bro) but I felt Black Swan was daring me to dislike it from the off. Due to its status and quality it felt as if I didn’t like it, I would be officially thick. On the surface, it’s doing everything it can to pander to Uncle Oscar. It’s about ballet, it’s starring a famous actress giving a “serious” turn and it’s directed by Darren Aronarrow’tatersinyerbarrownofsky, the man behind the not dissimilar The Wrestler and the suicidally depressing Requiem for a Dream. This had “prestige picture” written on the script before the ink was dry on the title.

“I just want to be perfect.”
Black Swan is the story of Nina (Natalie Portman), a dedicated ballerina who, whilst technically brilliant, is deemed to lack the passion needed to dance the darker side of the dual lead role of the Swan Queen in her company’s production of Swan Lake. She has an overbearing mother (Barbara Hershey) who lives vicariously through her daughter’s dancing and a strict director (Vincent Cassel) to contend with. Things change somewhat for Nina when new dancer Lily (Mila Kunis) joins the fray and possesses a natural spark perfectly suited to the role of the Black Swan. Whilst at times very predictable, I must admit I was pretty captivated by the story. It’s a nightmarish, twisted version of Swan Lake run through the eyes of someone who’s seen Suspiria way too much. As much as this means coming from an amateur critic with too much time on his hands, Portman’s performance is worthy of the Oscar. Nina is fragile, but not to the point being spineless. She has a bit of chutzpah about her, just has trouble expressing it because it’s almost been entirely squashed out of her by her mum. I thought Vincent Cassel was good too, giving a new definition to the term “smarmy bastard”. I wasn’t so taken with Mila Kunis. I’ve never been convinced by her acting-wise and I just don’t think she fits here. The emphasis on Lily’s “normality” is too much at times, which gave me a weird uncanny feeling. It looks and sounds perfectly normal, there’s just that one element that creeped me out.
Subtlety is not this film’s strongest point. We’re talking first year Media Studies with some of this shite. I hope you get that black can represent evil, whilst white can be used to suggest good, because this film hits you over the head with it again and again. Most of the creepy scenes work well, but a couple take it too far and ruined the tension. There’s a scene where Nina is dancing on her own and (invisotext) the lights go out, leads to a standard Hollywood horror mainstay- the “Hello? Is anyone there?” moment. She then discovers Lily being royally screwed by the director, who then turns into the demon Rothbart for a very generic jump scare. In terms of bad things- the bit where the various drawings of Nina come to life was terrible. Reminded me too much of that shit “Fear Her” episode of Doctor Who All in all though, the film is most successful in being generally creepy. I thought some of the body metamorphosis stuff was well done, although owing a lot to The Fly. The third act is where Aronofsky goes mental and the one dance (you’ll know it if you’ve seen it) of the Black Swan is amazing. I was blown away by how well it was done. The music at this point is also fucking awesome.
As with some of the horror moments, I feel the film goes a little too far with the characters, specifically Winona Ryder’s aged starlet, Beth. I like Ryder a lot, but this burnt out has-been character has been done too often to make any real impact. I felt the whole subplot involving her needed to be trimmed. But, maybe I’m nit-picking too much. As a psychological horror, it works pretty well. It’s one of those films that stays with you days after viewing. I like the fact that the film also doesn’t offer any easy answers to what happens. All too often films resolve the questions they ask without any room for interpretation. As for the ballet, I’m aware that the negative aspects of it have been ramped up, but Christ. All that dedication and all those regular injuries don’t look like fun.

“The only person standing in your way is you. It’s time to let her go. Lose yourself.”
Black Swan. It won’t be for everyone. It’s very well shot and acted. That’s a given. The psychological aspect works well and the choreography impressed me. It’s not the perfect film that poncy types would have you believe it is and some of the more obvious flaws stopped me from getting fully on board with it. Still- very good. Not that you need me to tell you. It’s been out bloody ages.

Captain America: The First Avenger

Prompt review time. Here are my thoughts on the third and final Marvel movie of 2011: Captain America: The First Avenger. I apologise for the bland, generic opening but I couldn’t think of a decent way to kick things off. If you were offended by the cookie-cutter intro there are two things you can do. Firstly- get a fucking life and secondly, let me know your name, address and bank details and I will endeavour to pay five (5) pounds sterling into your account within three working days.

Captain America: The First Avenger (2011)

Where would Chris Evans be without comic book adaptations? Apart from a couple of indie, character-driven pieces, the guy’s IMDB page reads like a shelf at Forbidden Planet. Of these though, Captain America is undeniably his step-up to the big leagues. I was concerned that the antiquated character of Cap (originally war propaganda, but revived by Stan Lee in the ’60s) would be hard to adapt. The man’s a walking flag for a country that isn’t exactly topping World popularity polls at the moment and whilst risky Marvel property Thor had been done well, I wasn’t entirely sure Cap would have the same success. On the other hand, I reminded myself that Marvel have been on a winning streak of late and I shouldn’t be so sceptical. I’m pleased to say that Captain America continues that streak and has me looking forward to The Avengers all the more (if that was even possible at this point).

“I asked for an army. All I got is you.”

The film takes place during World War II and follows skinny weakling Steve Rogers (Chris Evans), who longs to fight for his country, but is repeatedly turned away because of his health problems and general shrimpiness. However, Dr. Erskine (Stanley Tucci) sees a spark in Rogers that makes him the perfect candidate for his secret military experiment. With the help of Iron Man’s dad, Howard Stark (Dominic Cooper) and under the supervision of Col. Phillips (Tommy Lee Jones) and Agent Peggy Carter (Hayley Atwell), Rogers is transformed into a muscle-bound super-soldier and becomes Captain America. Good thing too, as the leader of specialist Nazi group Hydra, Red Skull (Hugo Weaving) is after a little artifact familiar to the people who saw Thor, which will grant him the power to change the outcome of the war. The plot is decent and cleverly updates the character of Cap without straying too far away from his inked origins. Chris Evans is fantastic as Rogers/Cap adding some believability and vulnerability to what could have been an embarrassing “golly gee whiz!” portrayal. Hayley Atwell was great as the tough, but sensitive Peggy Carter and reminded me a bit of Marion Ravenwood from Raiders of the Lost Ark, which is a great compliment to her. Tommy Lee Jones also does what he’s best at- playing a grizzled, authoritarian figure who gets to say all the best lines. Weaving’s Red Skull was a slight disappointment, but not because of Weaving himself, who can play solid baddies in his sleep but more down to the writing. I wanted more for the man who brought us Agent Smith.

The thing I loved about the film above everything else was the retro setting and style. It’s set in the ’40s and has a real Indiana Jones / The Rocketeer feel to it. It’s sepia-toned Americana but done so you don’t feel like rolling your eyes, vomiting or doing a terrifying combination of both. Whilst we’re on the subject (of Americana, not vomit), the character of Captain America isn’t as nauseatingly jingoistic as one might expect from the name. He’s a morale boosting mascot for the first half or so, encouraging cheering crowds to buy war bonds and such. The name “Captain America” and the ridiculous spandex costume he initially has to wear both make perfect sense in this context. I know I bang on and on about superhero films trying to be brooding and dark like the Nolan Bat films, but I can’t think of a better contrast to Batman than Captain America. It’s refreshing to see a character this good and morally upstanding without layers of snark or reluctance to sweeten the pill for today’s cynical audiences. I expected Chris Evans to give Cap a jokey, sarcastic edge similar to his Human Torch portrayal in the Fantastic Four films, but he plays it straight-faced and earnestly. A decision that really pays off. I also must mention the impressive CGI that went into turning the normally brick shithouse sized Evans into a puny girly-man. People have been saying that his head looks too big for his body, but I can’t see it. Genuinely amazing work.

The first half of the film is a hell of a lot of fun. Whilst it takes a long time to get Cap into his ridiculously patriotic gear, it’s enjoyable enough to be spending time with skinny ol’ Steve. The USO show stuff is great too, with a catchy-as-fuck Menken track called “Star Spangled Man” scoring an insanely entertaining montage. When Rogers finally starts kicking arse, the film’s quality wavers slightly. The action is very well done and shot, it starts feeling more generic than it should do after such a strong opening. The hand-to-hand, shield-to-face stuff is brilliant though. Not once did I get tired of Cap hitting people. As I mentioned before, the Red Skull isn’t as menacing as I wanted him to be. For a man who is supposedly too evil for the Nazis (think of that!), he doesn’t seem to have a coherent evil plan. His target is apparently “everything”, which is pretty fucking lazy writing. He has some vague notion to blow up major U.S. cities, but I can’t for the life of me remember the details. (Invisotext) He does get a decent climactic scrap with Rogers though. It’s a shame that his demise is so unsatisfying. Whilst on the subject of spoilers, I really liked the final conversation between Peggy and Cap- it was really quite sweet. Steve’s “…but I have a date.” when confronted by Nick Muthafuckin’ Fury was surprisingly touching. I think my problem with Red Skull is we don’t get to see him do that much. His dialogue is well-written, it’s just his actions aren’t.

(On the subject of killing Nazis) “I don’t want to kill anyone. I just don’t like bullies.”

So, Captain America: The First Avenger. It’s great. On reflection, (I initially thought it was simply on par with Thor), it’s the best Marvel movie this year. It has a real boy’s own, old-style adventure film to it which bypasses any feeling of superheroic saturation you may feel. I had some minor quibbles with it, but I was too entertained by it all to get hung up on them. As usual, stay after the end credits for an exciting teaser.

Limitless

After being hugely disappointed by Transformers 3, I wanted to write a review that wasn’t so angry. About a film that I actually enjoyed. Luckily, I still had Limitless in my review stockpile and, being the genius that I am, I put two and two together and here we are:

Limitless (2011)

According to the well-known saying, we, the silly little meatbags that we are, only use 10% of our brain. It’s a great analogy for the vastness of human potential, a great philosophical jump-off point for what could be done if we could tap into the brain’s true power and a completely and utterly wrong fucking statement. Hate to bring my boring mate Science to Limitless‘ party, but we use almost all of our brains all of the time. Taking a pill that ensured the usage of 100% of your brain would probably have some adverse effect, like messing with automatic functions like breathing. Unfortunately, at no point does this happen to Bradley Cooper.
“Your powers are a gift from God or whoever the hell wrote your life script.”

Limitless is the story of Eddie Morra (Bradley Cooper), a down-and-out writer who takes an experimental drug called NZT, a clear pill that allows him to harness 100% of his brain’s power. He becomes more perceptive, more driven and can think way faster and clearer than before. Understandably, Eddie uses it to become richer and more respected, immersing himself in the lucrative business of the stock trading and soon partners with hugely powerful businessman Carl Van Loon (Robert De Niro). However, Eddie soon discovers that he isn’t the only one aware of the drug and its amazing properties and that there are people out there willing to do anything to get their next fix. I liked the story. The plot kept me interested throughout and whilst silly, it’s damn enjoyable. It’s your standard “loser turns his life around with magical macguffin but finds it’s not all sunshine” plot, but it does well with it. Bradley Cooper impressed me with his ability to actually act, having only seen him in the terrible Hangover movies and the A-Team film. I thought Abbie Cornish was good, but underused and Robert De Niro was fine being De Niro. I love that man.

Despite being all snarky in the opening paragraph, I like the whole concept. You become the perfect version of you. You can recall half memories and glimpsed information like it was nothing. Eddie becomes a true Renaissance man, learning languages and playing the stock market like a pro in a few days. I especially loved the fight scene where Eddie calls upon a childhood viewing of Way of the Dragon, a Muhammad Ali fight and a self-defence video to scrap his way out of trouble. It’s innovative and interesting- two “i” words I rarely get to type in regards to action beats. Having said that, there is a chase scene where a good character (spoiler free, bitches) on NZT thinks their way out of a chase with a would-be murderer by using a small child as an offensive weapon. I laughed (as I’m sure the film intended) but it’s still ridiculous and rather at odds with the rest of the film.

The thing I like about Limitless is the whole feeling of it. I know that’s a vague, possibly twattish thing to say, but I can’t think of a better way to describe it. I liked what it was bringing to the table. It’s an indie movie writ large. From the impressive, but nauseating opening titles (seriously, that endless zoom effect on the big screen made me feel a bit sick) to the bright, saturated colours used to show Eddie on NZT, it’s fun. It reminded me of a more restrained Scott Pilgrim at times, especially when it shows Eddie furiously typing on his laptop, with 3D letters and words falling all around him.

It’s a decent thriller too. Whilst things are rosy for a time, Eddie soon discovers the more NZT he takes, the more frequently he blacks out, waking up in strange places with no memory of the preceding events. We understand and feel his need for the drug, but ultimately know that it’s bad for him. Hell, we know it’s going to lead him down a bad road as the film opens up on Morra, standing atop a penthouse balcony, bad dudes breaking the door down behind him and very few options available to him other than giving the pavement a 40-storey French kiss. Whilst I’ve seen this kind of thing before, I still found it all to be very compelling.

“A tablet a day and I was limitless…”

Limitless isn’t the smartest film out there, but it’s definitely one of the more entertaining ones. It made me think twice about writing off Bradley Cooper as just a cheesy grin and a marketable torso and kept me hooked ’til the credits rolled. It’s certainly worth a viewing, at the very least for the great central concept. Just try not to think about it too much when you do.

Transformers: Dark of the Moon

Back from a small hiatus with a film that not only has the audacity to be bad, but knock my faith in the general public down to an all-time low. That’s not hyperbole either. (Sigh) Here are my thoughts on the new Bayformers flick.

Transformers: Dark of the Moon (2011)
 That’s it. The joke’s not funny anymore. Game over, man, game over. After really quite rating the first film and disliking the second, I really wanted this installment to be good. I like to think this blog and the Transformers films have ties from the start as 2007’s Transformers was the first film I ever reviewed on this site. It was also one of the films that inspired me to stand up (or more accurately, sit down) and rally against those pretentious movie critics and those irritating “Arthouse or GTFO” types that seem to exist purely to make me feel bad for liking fun films. Dark of the Moon was getting a critical drubbing and so I saw an opportunity to stick up for this latest slice of Bayhem and once again wear my swanky “Internet Defender” hat. Thing is- this is indefensible. It’s excess in every way apart from the things that make a good film. I hate to add my voice to the crowd, but Dark of the Moon is shit. No colourful metaphors, no logically unsound similies- it’s godawful. More venom after the plot summary.

“Bee, there’s something else going on here. The moon programme, the cover-ups, the assassinations, it’s all led to this…”

Dark of the Moon continues with the war between mankind and the Decepticons, with the humans having help from the Autobots, led by Optimus Prime (Peter Cullen). It transpires that the moon landing was a cover-up to investigate a crashed ship from Cybertron, the Transformer homeworld, and it may hold the present day answer to ending the war. Bland human Sam Witwicky (Shia LaBoeuf) is out of college and struggling to get a job in the real world, needing the money after spending his savings on a blonde RealDoll (Rosie Huntingdon-Whitely) to replace the brunette one he had in the first two films. A visit to the moon yields an unexpected bounty in the form of legendary Autobot Sentinel Prime (Leonard Nimoy). Can he be the answer to stopping the madness?  The plot is stupid, but at least coherent enough to follow. Shia LaBoeuf’s fairly likeable nerd in the first film has changed into a self-righteous bellend. It’s hard to empathise with a character who has a Victoria’s Secret model as a girlfriend and whose only real complaint is that he wants to save the world again. Rosie Huntingdon-Whitely is there for the camera to drunkenly leer at and delivers such a flat peformance I started to miss Megan Fox. Johns Turtturo and Malkovich are both slumming it way too much and, just to make things more irritating, Ken Jeong from The Hangover films turns up, doing his Offensive Asian Stereotype schtick to the delight of fucking nobody.

Are these films the most expensive adverts in history? If not, they’re certainly close. There are even more robots this time (although thankfully racist fuckspods Skids and Mudflap are absent) and I hated all of them. The only Autobot I like is Bumblebee- a) because he can’t talk and b) I liked him in the first film. Optimus Prime is a sanctimonious metallo-cunt this time round and none of the others are characterised enough for you to even remember what they look like, let alone feel anything towards them. The toy shilling is even more transparent this time, with Optimus Prime being the perfect example of this. Every single time he’s fighting, he has a new weapon or accessory, making me painfully aware there was a little plastic replica of each look sitting on the shelves of the nearest toystore. It got to the point where I kept imagining little copyright symbols after each name was mentioned:  Oh hey, look it’s Optimus Prime™ with authentic battle damage! He’s trying to use the Matrix of Leadership™ to revive Sentinel Prime™ to fight Megatron™. It got distracting wondering which of the giant robots farting about on screen were actually choking hazards for the under threes.

The point that’s brought up over and over again for this film is “well, it’s just robots beating seven bells out of each other, blah blah flawed argument blah”. I would normally be right with these people, but I can’t jump on that particular bandwagon this time. An hour and a half passes before we get to the all-out robot war and up until this point, it’s mostly just lazy exposition and lowest common denominator “comedy”. It was interesting to note that the same people laughing at the shit jokes in the film were the ones laughing at the trailer for Zookeeper beforehand- i.e. fucking idiots. It was almost painful to sit through Sam’s annoying parents embarrassing him for the umpteenth time or have people laughing at Wheelie and the other one from the second film. Fuck people. If they want to gibber like braying tossdonkeys let them do that on their own time, in their own homes, for God’s sake don’t encourage them.

On the other hand, the effects are impressive (as they’d better be for the ridiculous budget) and the action is well done. Whilst 3D hinders most films in the way they’re shot, it actually seems to have helped Michael Bay as he can no longer use his trademark spastic close ups and has to settle for more wide angles and even more slow motion than before. It’s bad combating bad. The 3D is alright, but most of the time I forgot I was wearing the glasses because something shit was happening on-screen. The wingsuit bit is the standout sequence though, with the 3D actually augmenting something for a change.

“You are not a soldier. You are a messenger. You’ve always been a messenger.”

So yeah, it’s not a good film. It’s way too fucking long, it’s boring, it’s painfully unfunny and it takes too long to actually get to the robots hitting each other. It’s pretty violent too, with spines being ripped out and all the robots now having blood-like red oil for some reason- an odd choice considering it’s a toy advert. The Transformers series is dead to me. Dark of the Moon is better than Revenge of the Fallen, but not by nearly enough to make it worth a watch.