Author: Ben Browne

Evil Dead

 
Klaatu barada nik… (coughs)
 

Evil Dead (2013)

The original Evil Dead films hold a special place in my heart. Evil Dead II is one of my favourite films of all time. When I heard they were giving the series the shiny reboot treatment, I wasn’t angry like most Deadites were, just confused. How could it have a place in this post Cabin in the Woods world? How can you do something with the exact same premise that was thoroughly torn apart and dissected by Joss Whedon and Drew Goddard mere months before? It has to be said that I fucking hate horror remakes. I honestly can’t think of one that was any good whatsoever. Horror fans are just above ’80s action fans in the list of groups who are most likely to get their nostalgia taken financial advantage of and I feel for them. I know what it’s like to have logic and general consensus dictate that the movie will be crap, but to have your heart persistently say otherwise. If anyone’s interested in coming to a group therapy session, we meet every Wednesday and every other Sunday at Ling Bo’s Bowling Arenatorium, Lane 5, opposite the “Muchos Nachos” stand.

“You shouldn’t have touched anything from that basement.”

This may all sound very familiar, but bear with me. 5 young adults travel to a cabin in the woods and accidentally awaken an ancient evil force by ill-advisedly reading from some kind of cursed tome. That’s pretty much all you need in the way of a plot outline. It’s the same as the original Evil Dead, countless imitators in the decades since and of course, The Cabin in the Woods. This being a remake of The Evil Dead, it sort of gets a pass in this respect.  It’s just like the Texas Chainsaw remake had to have Leatherface in there somewhere. It’s what you signed up for. What I will come down on like a ton of angry bricks though is the utter mundanity of our cabin-dwelling tosspots. There is no excuse for them to be this boring. Within seconds of learning their names and what they do, I’d forgotten who they were and what their relationship was to the others. The only one I remembered was Mia (Jane Levy) because she was the main one and got to do all kinds of fun possessed shit, plus the fact that her name was screamed over and over again. They’re all just generic good-looking cardboard cutouts that I didn’t give any real shit about. As such, I didn’t care whether they got offed or not. Look, I get that in the horror genre characters are often loosely sketched to make way for the carnage, but damn.

The film doesn’t start well. When the title flashes up on screen, it’s accompanied by a blast of horrific music, very much like Cabin in the Woods‘ intro. If this was the film setting up its stall and pretending that audiences aren’t as cynical as they are, then I was about 5 minutes away from fucking off and doing something else. Luckily it does improve. I liked some of the postmodern twists the script was given. In the original, the gang just go to the woods because they want to relax, drink and bump uglies. In Evil Dead 2013, they go to help Mia dry out and kick her drug habit cold turkey, which makes more sense than driving to a sketchy looking cabin in the middle of nowhere just for a holiday. Also, it adds a delay on being able to tell that something’s wrong with Mia as junkies going cold turkey can do some crazy shit. They don’t really do anything with this though, apart from have a throwaway line, which is a shame. I’d have liked the film to have taken its time a little more. Who knows, we could have characterised our leads a little better in those extra scenes.

There are some neat nods and references to the original series that made me smile too. Fans of Raimi’s clapped-out Oldsmobile will be pleased. I got the feeling that the film was relying too heavily on series goodwill at points, but only occasionally.  I would have liked more of an effort to establish its own identity, but we’ll wait until the sequel to see if we have to pull that particular ripcord. One of the main things I liked about Evil Dead 2.0 is the fact that they mostly kept things practical. I’m sick to the back teeth of CGI blood and gore. It’s lazy and never has the impact that proper old school prosthetics and pumps have. It’s fucking refreshing to have practical effects used in a modern horror and I was thankful for it. Some of the bits, like demon Mia bifurcating her own tongue on a Stanley knife have a real visceral “ick” factor to them which makes the film incredibly enjoyable. There’s a nice little Evil Dead II riff involving an electric carving knife which was also fantastic. One of the elements I always liked about the Evil Dead series was when the possessed would, as a last resort, seemingly return to normal, appearing to be in agonising pain or bringing up a shared touching memory to halt whoever was in the process of getting rid of them. Brilliantly, they’d then turn back and laugh at the anguish they just caused. It’s such a gloriously fucked up idea and they use it to great effect here.

I’ve heard people complain that this film is a little too po-faced for its own good. I’m on the fence about this. When people think of the campy horror and gross-out yuks, they’re usually thinking of Evil Dead II, which ramped up the camp value by several thousand percent. The Evil Dead was intended more of a straight-faced horror film and as such, I see why they’ve gone in this direction. On the other (possessed) hand, the serious tone does nothing to elevate the film above any of its contemporaries and makes it easy to dismiss as just another horror remake. I wanted the film to give me permission to cackle with glee at some of the tricks up its sleeve, wink at me and we’d laugh together. It didn’t happen though. It starts cutting loose towards the end, but by that point, you’ve had to sit through an hour plus of sullen attempts at serious horror.

Which brings me to another point. It isn’t “the most terrifying film you will ever experience”. In fact, I’d say it was pretty tame. I’m not saying this to seem like a hard man in front of my peers. I just don’t find this brand of polished horror particularly frightening. The film can be unquestionably disturbing at times, but there’s no real fright factor. I expected some truly disquieting stuff when it came to redoing the infamous “tree rape” scene, but nope- more modern in-your-face-horror, rather than careful atmosphere building and tension ratcheting. On the subject of tree rape, I found it kind of irritating that it’s all part of some big ritual. Forgive me, as it has been a while since I rewatched the original, but am I correct in thinking this wasn’t always the case? I just thought it was the woods just doing evil shit and improvising based on what the characters did. I find that a lot scarier than having a pre-written procedure for all this. Like most modern horrors, the film falls into the beartrap of explaining everything to make it seem more plausible, not realising there’s no faster way to kill intrigue or trepidation.

“I can smell your filthy soul!”

I enjoyed Evil Dead. Whilst I had problems with details and odd decisions, nothing could spoil my overall enjoyment of the film. I think my affection for the series was picking up the slack here and there and perhaps buffing out some of the flaws, but it was pretty decent. Roll on Evil Dead II: Redead by Dawn.

Trailer destruction: The lost art of keeping a secret

It’s a tough thing to remember sometimes, but films are a business. As a rule, they’ll toss out any old crap as long as they can con enough people into paying for it. Artistry and quality usually come second. Whilst films have always been marketed widely, it’s safe to say that marketing strategies have become more aggressive and pervasive in the last decade or so. We’re at a point now where half the film’s budget is spent again on marketing the sodding thing. It’s hard to gauge how much a flop like The Lone Ranger has lost in total due to the extra $100 million or so that’s gone on various campaigns.  Like many people, I love trailers. I’m pissed off if I arrive late to the cinema and miss the previews beforehand. It’s part of the experience to me. It’s a fun thing to turn to your friends or the empty seats beside you and decide together whether you want to go and see the film you’ve just been pitched. I’m also the type of person to frantically click on a link to a highly anticipated film and starting geeking my little heart out over this particular detail, that line or whatever. That’s also fun, but not the sort of fun I want people to see me having.

The problem is that trailers give away too much. There’s a real knack for trailer making that’s been lost for the most part. Nowadays, studios seem to have an attitude of “shove all the money shots into 3 minutes and hope it sells our film.” I don’t need to tell you that this attitude sucks. I hate seeing a trailer and feeling like there are no surprises left when it comes time to see the actual film. Man of Steel is a recent example of this. Multiple teaser trailers, several full-length theatrical trailers, a corporate tie-in exclusive trailer plus several film clips were all posted to try and convince people to part with their hard-earned cash. It’s getting ridiculous. Looking back on Man of Steel, I kept thinking about how cool the reveal of Supes’ new suit would have been if I hadn’t seen it plastered over every bus stop, magazine and poster for the several weeks leading up to the film’s release. The superhuman smackdowns  may have had more bite if I hadn’t seen half of them already thanks to the advertising chokehold the film had. OK, maybe that’s pie-in-the-sky thinking, but it would have been nice.

Going back to last year, Prometheus had the same sort of carpet bomb approach, releasing trailers and clips like they were going out of style. So much so,that before seeing the film, some people managed to construct what they thought was the entire film’s narrative purely from the materials released: (Spoilers if you haven’t seen Prometheus yet) http://imgur.com/os5iF . It’s pretty damn accurate with only a few key details wrong, the creators of the picture being restrained by both logic and coherency, something which the film’s writers weren’t. We’re even at the point where there are teaser trailers for other trailers. Check out Ender’s Game and its “trailer announcements” or 4 second teases.  I understand they want to sell a film they’ve clearly pumped a lot of cash into, but there’s got to be better ways to do it.

So, OK. What constitutes a good trailer? To be honest, I don’t really know. I guess one that gives you enough information to work with, but makes promises that bigger and better things are to come. My best recent example of this is the trailer for Alfonso Cuarón’s Gravity:

I had no real inclination to see Gravity before the trailer hit, but it’s rocketed up my must-see list since. The whole tone of the film is captured in the trailer and it gives fuck all away. It’s brilliant.

It seems counter-intuitive to release a trailer that spoils the whole film for people. You’d think these days, where studios are more desperate for your cash than ever there’d be more of a coy, coquettish approach to selling their films. Sort of like prostitutes in the Old West giving a flash of thigh. If you want the good stuff, big boy, you’re going to have to pony up some coins. That’s what trailers should be like. Just don’t quote me on that.

Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides (Redux)

 
Jack’s back, but does anyone care?
 

Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides (2011) (Redux)

Not content with squeezing a bloated trilogy out of the already chafed udder of the Pirates cashcow, the producers moved on with a Jack Sparrow centric adventure a few years after. However, Bloom and Knightley wouldn’t return and Gore Verbinski wouldn’t be parking his arse in one of those comfy looking directors’ chairs. Mahogany and Beech not signing back up was a plus, but Verbinski leaving is a tough one. Dude’s a talented director and would need a fitting replacement. Enter Rob Marshall, director of some music videos and easily forgotten films doomed to gather dust in your Mum’s DVD collection (I mean, when was the last time you heard someone talk about Memoirs of a Geisha?). Having only seen On Stranger Tides once before, I was struck at how flat everything was shot (odd, considering this was the only Pirates flick fiilmed and released in 3D) and how fuckin’ bored I was during it. Anyway, obligatory plot rundown:

“Don’t be a fool, Jackie. The fountain will test you.”

Jack Sparrow (Johnny Depp) travels to London, but upon arriving he hears tell that another Jack Sparrow is looking for a crew to commandeer a ship. Intrigued, Sparrow sets to confront the imposter. He then becomes part of a bigger plan to find the Fountain of Youth and finds himself under the command of legendary feared pirate Blackbeard (Ian McShane) and his first mate, daughter and old flame of Jack’s Angelica (Penélope Cruz). The race is on between Blackbeard, the British and Spanish navies to find the mythical fountain. Despite being clumsily set up in the last film, I was looking forward to a quest for the Fountain of Youth. However, it turns out to be a plodding exercise in mediocrity. Depp’s Sparrow can still be entertaining, but the schtick is tired and played out. He needs better lines and characterisation. Penélope Cruz does admirably in the role of Angelica, although the only thing she’s asked to do is play a stereotypical hot-blooded Latina woman. Ian McShane doesn’t really do much as Blackbeard. He’s not at fault though- the script doesn’t have any real interest in the character and he’s just there. Not exactly a baddie for the ages. Barbossa (Geoffrey Rush) also returns, but he may as well be a different character. Once again, the writing lets him down as he’s a far cry from the character I liked in the previous films.

You may have noticed a few complaints about the script so far and I honestly can’t rag on it hard enough. It was doomed from the start as having Sparrow as the main character doesn’t work. It creates a divide between to the plot-serving emotional journey and the wacky goofball sides of him. As a result, we get a watered down character that has both sides pushed up to maximum in the hopes that you won’t notice and be reminded of the times when the act was charming. Remember when Jack was all bravado and escaped situations with a healthy dose of luck and opportunism? The writers don’t. Now he’s just a cocky knob who is consistently brilliant at everything he tries and must have powers of precognition. Which is much less interesting.  Quite why Elliot and Rossio weren’t shaken loose when they upended the franchise toy chest is beyond me. The one thing I will commend the film on is its stripped down approach. It’s much less convoluted than both of the previous sequels and has a better story focus. The story isn’t particularly great, but it’s there. None of this “getting bogged down in its own mysticism” bullshit to be found here.

The one element I liked was actually something a lot of reviewers singled out as one of the worst things about the film. I liked the little romance between the missionary Philip (Sam Clafin) and the captured mermaid Syrena (Astrid Bergès-Frisbey). Whilst their little courtship was tacked on purely because these films have to have one,  I found it more convincing than the Turner & Swann saga. He gets renewed faith in his dearest Lord plus he fancies her a bit and she learns that all humans aren’t bastards and she fancies him a bit. They both learn something and get something from the relationship. Makes sense to me. It may be indicative of the film’s problems that I latched on to what must be the C or D story rather than the main supposedly epic quest for the MacGuffin or the Angelica/Sparrow angle.

Even the action’s not particularly good. There’s a bright spot when the crew are attacked by mermaids, but that’s about it. There’s plenty of swordfighting, but we’ve seen all this shit before. The apparent lack of energy or creativity with the camera (Marshall, you scallywag) exacerbates things too. Never will you be more away that you’re watching actors playfight on a set. I just didn’t care about anything and wanted to shut it off in favour of something that tries harder.

“Gentlemen, the fountain is the prize. Mermaid waters, that be our path.”

On Stranger Tides is just as bad as At World’s End, but in different ways. Stranger Tides has a clearer plot and isn’t as indulgent as At World’s End, but the story it went with was dull. At World’s End at least had some creativity here and there whereas On Stranger Tides has an air of a run-of-the-mill Hollywood production line product about it. It’s not a terrible film, but it’s not good either. I’m a great believer in franchises redeeming themselves (the Fast and Furious films) so here’s hoping that 2015’s Pirates 5 has a better crack at the whip. Having said that. a cursory glance at the film’s IMDB page reveals that it’s directed by two fellas I’ve never heard of and that Elliot and Rossio are back on writing duties.  I can already feel the dread starting to build.

The Wolverine

 
*Insert shit Japanese pun here*
 

The Wolverine (2013)

The X-Men franchise is one of the time-hoppyist series around. We’ve had prequels, even earlier prequels and a buttload of sequels. It’s all going to get more confusing with the forthcoming Days of Future Past which will mash the First Class lot together with the established cast of the first three films in a time-spanning Avengers style ensemble pic. I have to say though, they’ve done a good job keeping the timeline pretty coherent all things considered.

“I’ve been trying to find you for over a year. My employer’s dying, he wants to thank you for saving his life. It’s an honour to meet the Wolverine.”

The Wolverine unsurprisingly tells the story of Logan (Hugh Jackman). We catch up with him years after the events of The Last Stand. He’s exiled himself and is living rough in the mountains. He’s tracked down by Yukio (Rila Fukushima) who has been asked to bring him to Japan on behalf of the ailing magnate Yashida (Haruhiko Yamanouchi) who had his life saved by Logan decades before. Wolvie travels with her and soon discovers a plot to kidnap Yashida’s granddaughter Mariko (Tao Okamoto) to get in on some sweet ransom cash action. The Wolverine is loosely based on a popular and critically acclaimed ’80s miniseries dealing with Logan’s first solo adventure. For the most part, the story is solid, giving us a fish-out-of-water take on the now very familiar Wolverine. Hugh Jackman is always a pleasure to watch as Logan. He nailed the part long ago, but it never feels like he’s treading the same old ground or phoning it in. I get the feeling he likes playing the character as much as I enjoy seeing him in the role. The Wolverine is a more successful personal story than the widely hated X-Men Origins: Wolverine. As much as I liked Tao Okamoto, her only job seems to be standing around looking beautiful, so of course Logan falls for her instead of the kick-ass Rila Fukushima who manages to be both interesting and handy in fights. The only weak point was Famke Janssen reprising her role as Jean Grey. I don’t have a problem with Janssen at all, it’s just that the various dream sequences with her in are definitely movie low points. She just lies around in lingerie spouting all of Logan’s internal dialogue that they couldn’t be arsed to weave into the narrative. I never really bought the whole Jean/Logan relationship in the films anyway, but I soon learned to stop paying attention whenever Logan was sleeping as it meant another clunkily written chunk of fuck-all was going to happen.

Straight from the off, I felt the film was in good hands. It opens with a unnervingly quiet harbour view before showing some bombers coming in to fuck up Nagasaki nuclear style. It’s a well done sequence and the sheer spectacle of watching a nuclear blast totalling the lovely Japanese shoreside is both devastating and awesome at the same time. I like seeing Wolverine in wartime settings. More please. Whilst Wolvie’s Japanese trip seems to consist purely of things American audiences would expect from a film set in Asia, it’s not really a problem. There’s a genuinely funny and awkward moment where Logan and Mariko hide out at a love hotel which plays well. I feel the film could have done with more of these little moments as the only reason these characters fall in love is because he protects her all the time and they’re both attractive people. Mariko needed to be something pretty special for Logan to get over Jean and I just didn’t feel it. Yukio had more going on. Anyone have her number?

When I saw Hoborine living rough in the mountains, I had a thought hit me that sent an icy chill down to my stomach:  “Oh shit, I hope they haven’t gone all ‘gritty’ with this”. Thankfully, this turned out to not be the case. There’s dark stuff in it, but its not afraid to keep the tone out of the bleak doldrums other superhero films are finding themselves in. Plus, there’s a scene in a bar when Logan confronts some hunters that is classic Wolverine and made me smile broadly. In fact, all the action is well done. There’s a stunning sequence on top of a bullet train that’s the best train sequence I’ve seen since Spider-Man 2. Wolverine’s healing ability has been suppressed in this film, so most of the fight scenes have raised stakes as people can actually hurt and stop him. It’s the first time we’ve since Wolverine physically vulnerable to anyone other than Magneto and it works really well. My one qualm is that some of the fights felt pretty toothless, with people getting slashed and stabbed by Wolverine’s famous claws but there being very little resulting blood. I didn’t want it to turn into a gorefest or anything, but X2 managed to get away with quite a bit. A lot of it looked like blood and injury had been digitally removed. My guess is that when it comes down to releasing it on DVD/Blu-ray, they’ll pull a Hunger Games and include the slightly meatier cut.

My only other real problem was Viper (Svetlana Khodchenkova) who ends up as a pretty weak villainess. She’s just not given that much to do and she reminded me quite a lot of Batman & Robin‘s Poison Ivy, with the penchant for sucking face with her victims and generally hamming it up. Anything that reminds me of that dungheap of a film is going to have points taken off. The impressive-looking Silver Samurai is also of little consequence, but you can’t win ’em all.

“I can do this all day, you twisted mutant bitch!”

The Wolverine is pretty decent. It’s not good enough to get excited about, but it’s an entertaining enough flick. Think of it like 2008’s Incredible Hulk, solid on its own, but mostly made to bring the story in line with forthcoming “event” pictures. Speaking of which, stay after the credits ya droolmonkeys.

Only God Forgives

 
Like it or not, Only God Forgives is unforgettable.
 

Only God Forgives (2013)

2011’s Drive was like a sucker punch to the chops for me. I’d heard of Nicolas Winding Refn (NWR for shortsies) and seen the unconventional Tom Hardy showcase Bronson beforehand but I sat down knowing next to nothing when it came time to watch Gosling stoically toothpicking his way around L.A. I’ve caught up on most of his back catalogue now and thusly Only God Forgives didn’t have the same potential to wonderfully blindside me. Or so I thought.

“Time to meet the devil.”

Only God Forgives focuses on Julien (Ryan Gosling), an American drug smuggler living in Bangkok, who uses a Thai boxing club as a front for his illegal activities. Things get more complicated when his mother Crystal (Kristen Scott Thomas) visits wanting vengeance for the death of Julien’s brother and her firstborn son Billy (Tom Burke). What follows is a tale of existential angst and brutal violence. Most of it having something to do with the wrath of a man named Chang (Vithaya Pansringarm), a cop with supernatural abilities and a penchant for doling out his own form of justice at the edge of a Bushido blade. Right off the bat, it’s important to note that this ain’t Drive 2: Hammertime. It’s very much in the vein of NWR’s more weirder previous works like Bronson and Valhalla Rising. It’s a surreal, almost nightmarish journey. Gosling’s Julien is another man of few words like his Driver character, but is battling (and some would say losing) a lot more demons and internal conflicts this time round. As a Gosfan, I was pleased. Kristen Scott Thomas gives us a purposely detestable, manipulative mother character as Crystal. Despite the reprehensible way she acts and the odious things she says, she’s completely fascinating and engaging. Vithaya Pansringarm is fantastic as Chang and his roaring rampage of revenge is compelling as fuck. You know shit’s going to hit the fan when he turns up, looking like you’ve just keyed his car and shat through his letterbox.

It’s very tough to get a handle on Only God Forgives, at least initially. I felt that at least for the first half, the film was holding me at arm’s length, refusing throw me a bone until I started connecting with it in the way it intended. The opening is slow and methodical, cutting from scenes of brutal violence to sleazy goings on in the Bangkok underworld. You’re not sure what’s real and what isn’t, thanks to Julien’s disturbing daydreams and reveries. My brain was working overtime trying to connect the sparse dots and coming up with nothing. However, once I started to let the film wash over me, I suddenly got it. It’s meant to be several steps in front of you. You just have to keep up until it decides it wants to start spinning a more cohesive yarn.

The thing that is hard to get away from is how goddamn beautifully it’s shot. I’ve said this with other films, but I really think you could take any frame from the film and hang it up on your wall as a piece of art. Primary colours reign supreme, ranging from seedy, pornographic red neons to cold and distancing  glacier blues.  Never has Bangkok looked more alluring and unnerving. The way the film is shot certainly helps you get through the “what the fuck is going on?” first half. Cliff Martinez’s score also compliments the awesome cinematography incredibly well. Time to add another movie soundtrack to my already ridiculously massive collection.

Despite playing coy buggers and keeping you distanced for the most part, there’s one aspect that Only God Forgives wants you up close and personal for- the violence. The film takes a pornographic glee in its own brutality and it’s genuinely savage stuff. Apart from my main man Chang and his mad sword skillz, there’s one torture scene in particular that will be etched on my frontal lobe for the foreseeable future. I won’t spoil it, but let’s just say when you hear the line “Remember girls, no matter what happens… keep your eyes closed.” You may want to heed the same advice. I was flinching like a motherfucker. Having said that, the highlight for me is a fight between Julien and Chang. Everything from the pounding music to the setting is brilliant and will almost definitely feature in my Scenes of the Year list.

It’d be easy to dismiss Only God Forgives as “pretentious”, especially with its occasionally heavy-handed symbolism. There’s a preoccupation with hand imagery and huge Oedipal overtones in the relationship between Julien and Crystal. Thing is, it’s done with such skill, I didn’t give a shit about whether the film was intellectually overreaching or not. People tend to use the word “pretentious” incorrectly to describe anything of higher intelligence than a ham sandwich or something that doesn’t lay its cards out on the table straight away. This pisses me off as it breeds contempt for anything attempting more than loud noises and explosions. I think NWR and crew understand what they’re doing. They may not be breaking new ground in terms of imagery or whatever, but I don’t know how to end this sentence so fuck you.

“Want to fight?”

Only God Forgives is a strange one. It’s an experimental, disquieting film that’s both beautiful and repugnant. It’s blindsided me in a completely different way to Drive. I’ll need to see it again to see if I can squeeze any more understanding out of it. However, even if a second viewing doesn’t warrant any more answers, I’ll be happy. It’s nice being foxed by a film sometimes. It’s a rare thing. Would I recommend it ? I have no idea. Alls I know is that I thoroughly enjoyed it and my brain may take quite a while to recover from the bending and twisting it received.  Here’s looking forward to Only God 5gives in 2015.

Pirates of the Caribbean: At World’s End (Redux)

 
At my wit’s end,  more like! (pause for laughter) (laughter never comes) (sad now)
 

Pirates of the Caribbean: At World’s End (2007) (Redux)

My attention span ain’t what it used to be. Since I’ve owned a smartphone, I’ve caught myself on numerous occasions not paying attention to the film I’ve just put on in lieu of checking Twitter, my texts or even IMDB trivia about the film I’m meant to be watching. Thankfully, I’ve mostly put a stop to this, but I’m not sure I would have survived another viewing of At World’s End without my precious phone. Although it’s hard to get official figures on it, thanks to Hollywood accounting and the like, At World’s End is considered the most expensive film ever made (unadjusted for inflation) at a whopping $300 million. My question is this: why the leaping Christ did they not drive any of that cheddar into improving the writing? Dear Lord, the term “clusterfuck” hardly seems to do it justice. Anyway- getting ahead of myself here.

“I have no sympathy for any of you feculent maggots and no more patience to pretend otherwise. Gentlemen, I wash my hands of this weirdness.”

Leading on from Dead Man’s Chest, Will (Orlando Bloom), Elizabeth (Keira Knightley), the newly resurrected Barbossa (Geoffrey Rush) et al. have to travel to Davy Jones’ Locker to rescue Jack Sparrow (Johnny Depp) because of reasons. Along the way, they encounter Pirate lord Sao Feng (Chow Yun-Fat) and have to avoid Davy Jones (Bill Nighy) who is now under the command of Lord Cutler Beckett (Tom Hollander). There’s some other stuff too, but in all honesty, you’ve probably seen the sodding thing multiple times over like I have. I really don’t know where to begin with this. For starters, it’s way too fucking long, clocking in at close to three hours. Secondly, both Bloom and Knightley reach new levels of ligneous guffery. Not sure about Bloom, but Knightley has done actual acting elsewhere, so I don’t know why she’s taking leave of all believable emotions here. Hell, even Depp’s charm is wearing thin by this point. He seems to have been encouraged to amp the wackiness up to Looney Tune levels. There are several Multiplicity-like scenes where multiple Sparrows all try to out-gurn each other and I found it painful to sit through. There’s even a little angel/devil on the shoulders scene. I mean, come on! There are a few saving graces, however. Rush’s Barbossa is still a delight to watch, Bill Nighy continues being fantastic as Davy Jones and Hollander’s quintessentially English tea-drinking baddie is fun and a better villain than the film deserves.  Jack Davenport also merits a mention, but he isn’t really given enough to do to leave any significant mark on the film.

Motivation is one of the essential things when talking about characters. Whether their purposes are for good/evil/whatever, it’s important to make them clear (unless obscuring them is the whole point) in order for an audience to connect with them. I’ve seen At World’s End a bunch of times and I still couldn’t tell you what the shit is going on. Everyone seems to be selling everyone out but not really, except when they are anddearLordmakeitstop. Add in a bunch of mysticism and talk of destiny and you’ve got a fine mess on your hands. It’s hard to get a handle on who’s doing what and why and, more importantly, why you should give a damn. Why they wanted to make everything so damn convoluted in a film that’s meant to appeal to families I don’t know. In any case, it gave me a headache.

Actually, the the family target audience brings me to another point. The tone is all over the place. We open on a mass hanging and it gets worse from there. The opening is especially brutal as a young boy gets the ol’ short drop and a sudden stop. Y’see kids have a habit of instantly relating to other kids on screen. It’s why so many kiddie films are packed with the little buggers. I imagine there were a few worried glances between parents when that scene played out. The whole film has forgotten its fun, swashbuckling origins and replaced it with CGI-tastic epic battles and mugging at the camera. Making weak gags amidst huge battle sequences is not the same as having a consistent light-hearted tone. Then again, consistency in regards to anything is one of this film’s massive failings.

Elizabeth really bugged me in this one. Answer me this: when did she become a warrior woman? There were hints of it in Dead Man’s Chest, but now she’s perfectly capable of standing her ground with experienced swordsmen. I’m a big fan of women kicking arse, but it just doesn’t make any sense, even with the loopy logic of the films. Plus, the whole “pirate king” thing is ludicrous. I almost cringed myself inside out when it came time for Swann to deliver a “rousing” speech to the assembled crews. She sounded more like a bitchy head girl bollocking her dowdy doormat friend for daring to show up to the school dance in the same colour outfit as her.

I will say this though- the effects are genuinely amazing. Whilst they skimped on coherent writers and actors who could act, they certainly didn’t pinch pennies when it came to the visuals. I love Shipwreck Cove- a pirate meeting place made up of dozens of broken and dilapidated ships. The “up is down” twisty-turny bit is jaw-dropping. The climactic Maelstrom sequence is also very well done and the sheer fun spectacle of watching two ships frag the living fuck out of each other in a gigantic swirling whirlpool wins the film some big points. Having said that, it’s really difficult to give a crap about what’s going on. Still a top-notch tech demo though.

Before I end this review I will mention a few little odds and ends I liked, lest you mistake me for the usual kind of internet critic that either loves something unconditionally or hates it with the very core of their being. I’ve got a new favourite fish-person, for one. The moray eel fella who can retract his head inside his body and bites people in the face is bloody awesome. Shame he only gets a few seconds of screen time. I quite like the Keith Richards cameo as Jack’s dad, but I think I like the idea more than the reality. It’s like when they officially made May 4th “Star Wars Day”- it sort of ruins the joke. Barbossa’s constantly interrupted marrying of Will and Elizabeth is also amusing and one of the few genuine laughs I got from the film. I also dig Cutler Beckett’s slow motion walk-whilst-everything-fucking-explodes death, although it’s not quite as good as I remember it. It’s a decent send off to a great baddie though and the final shot of his lifeless body landing and being enveloped by a floating East India Trading Co. flag is pretty damn memorable.

“Nobody move! I’ve dropped me brain.”

So, At World’s End. It’s goddamn boring is what it is. It’s a hypermegaclusterfuck of half-baked ideas, clunky writing and awkward tonal shifts in a shiny wrapper. It’s a shame the sequel apple fell so far from the Curse of the Black Pearl tree. It’s a testament to excess and highlights the very worst of blockbuster filmmaking. I think Sparrow himself said it best: “It is neither proper nor suitable, sir. It is not acceptable, nor adequate. It is, in obvious fact, an abomination.”

Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man’s Chest (Redux)

Back on track with the LADathon with the second Pirates flick. More on the way.

Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man’s Chest (2006) (Redux)

With Curse of the Black Pearl becoming a big hit worldwide, sequels were inevitable. Disney opted to film Pirates 2 and 3 back-to-back with Dead Man’s Chest being released in 2006. I’ve seen Dead Man’s Chest many times, but in rewatching it to do this redux, I realised that 1) I couldn’t remember large stretches of it and 2) it wasn’t as bad as I previously thought.

“Jones’ terrible leviathan will find you, and drag the Pearl back to the depths and you along with it!”

Following on from Curse of the Black Pearl, our two lead planks Will (Orlando Bloom) and Elizabeth (Keira Knightley) are due to be married, but all is cut short when newly appointed Lord Beckett (Tom Hollander) claps them in irons for aiding and abetting Jack Sparrow (Johnny Depp). Sparrow has problems of his own, however, as his debt to the fearsome legendary Captain Davy Jones (Bill Nighy) is due to be paid and if he doesn’t comply, he’ll face the wrath of the massive,  multi-tentacled Kraken, capable of sinking entire fleets of ships. Having my preconceptions when I sat down to review it good an’ proper, I had loaded my shitcannons and was ready to work the film over from the barebones up. Why are these characters doing these things? What’s her motivation? Is his story arc satisfactorily concluded? etc. However, it’s actually a well-constructed film. On a base level, there are very few criticisms that I could find to level at it.  Motivations make sense, the story’s structured strongly and everything that’s set up pays off for the most part. So, why the three stars at the bottom of the page? Well, just because it’s functional doesn’t mean it’s brilliant. It’s way too fucking long at 151 mins and it’s as self-indulgent as mashing caviar on your nipples and ordering several exquisite eunuchs to lick it off. More of that in a minute.

Bloom and Knightley haven’t improved between films. Whilst their wooden “acting” got a free pass last time, it becomes more of a problem this time as both are given more to do. Of the newcomers, I love Tom Hollander’s Beckett who has free reign to be the bastard that Davenport’s Norrington wasn’t allowed to be. Bill Nighy’s octopus-faced Davy Jones is a cracking villain too. The production design on Jones and the crew of the Flying Dutchman, including the ship itself is remarkable. There are all sorts of odd sea creature/man hybrids to goggle at and they’re all fantastically realised. Whilst I like the hammerhead shark fella and the guy who just seems to have an oyster for a head and no discernible mouth, my favourite is the pufferfish lad. We don’t get to see him puff up when he’s stressed or angry though. Missed opportunity. I have to give credit where credit’s due, it’s refreshing that they didn’t try to just rehash Black Pearl and actually went for something a bit different. The merits of where they went with it is debatable, but in the age of a widespread “fuck it, that’ll do” attitude towards sequels, it’s a good thing. The scale and scope is considerably bigger this time round. The effects have been stepped up and at times border on the photo-realistic. The Kraken scenes are my favourites. Just the image of a ship being ensnared by huge tentacles is straight off an old nautical map. It’s great to see it on screen and it’s surprisingly unsettling.

I was racking my brain trying to figure out why this film isn’t as successful as its predecessor. There were things I noticed that didn’t work, such as the dialogue not being nearly as sharp this time round and some real weaksauce gags slipping through the net, but none of them were film killers. It all came to me watching the three-way swordfight between Norrington, Sparrow and Will. Firstly, the film is too convoluted and indulgent for its own good- so much so, that they have Mackenzie Crook’s Ragetti explain each man’s motivation whilst the fight’s going on as a refresher course to Pintel and therefore the audience. If you have to have a character dump exposition all in one go like that, you’re not doing a very good job telling a story. Secondly, and most importantly, I realised I was having fun as I watched the three men fight in and on a rolling waterwheel. Not only that, it seems like a scene that’d be completely at home in the first film. Dead Man’s Chest lacks the consistent sense of fun and swashbuckling adventure that Black Pearl had in abundance.  Much like Jack Sparrow, the film doesn’t know what it wants and flits between all sorts of conflicting things. The tone is erratic throughout and as such you end up not quite knowing how to react to it.

“Life is cruel. Why should the afterlife be any different?”

Dead Man’s Chest isn’t a bad sequel by any means. It moves its characters on, brings in some great villains and takes us to new and exciting places. It just isn’t as enjoyable as it should be. A sense of fun can make up for a hell of a lot, but Dead Man’s Chest has it in fits and starts, coupled with some surprisingly dark shit for a family friendly film (the poor bastard who has his face sucked clean off by the Kraken comes to mind.) It’s entertaining enough, but it gets too bogged down in its own mysticism and taking itself seriously to really cut loose and live a little.

Pacific Rim

Wahey! It’s time to review one of my most anticipated films of the year. Allow me to get specific about Pacific Rim.

Pacific Rim (2013)

I’d like to think that I’m still pretty in touch with my inner child. If I was to go back in time and hang out with my child self, I think we’d get along and whilst he wouldn’t appreciate the fact that I’m not rich enough to buy a spaceship, I think he’d like the fact that a lot of the things that appealed to him still appeal to me. Case in point: Pacific Rim, a film with the awesome concept of massive robots versus equally massive monsters and is certain to have children of all kinds, inner or actual, high-fiving each other and talking excitedly.

“Two thousand five hundred tons of awesome.”

When huge monsters known as “Kaiju” appear from a rift at the bottom of the ocean and start wrecking our cities, mankind has no choice but to build monsters of its own- huge mechs known as “Jaegers”. Pacific Rim picks up near the end of the Kaiju war, where the needle has swung heftily in the Kaijus’ favour and the Jaeger project is being shut down. Charlie Hunnam plays Raleigh Becket, a seasoned Jaeger pilot who had quit the mech business due to personal tragedy years before only to be called back in. Under the watchful eye of his commanding officer Stacker Pentecost (Idris Elba), Becket has to get match fit with the help of promising Jaeger candidate Mako Mori (Rinko Kikuchi) to help stop the Kaiju menace and cancel the apocalypse once and for all.

I LOVED Pacific Rim. It’s an ice-cream sundae chaser to all those bitter pills that have been masquerading as summer entertainment over the past few years. It’s heaps of fun. It also proves that you have to be quite clever to produce an enjoyable “dumb but fun” film. Whilst it shares some DNA with metal thumpfests like Transformers, it’s not just soulless computer effects. The Jaegers’ central mechanic- the Drift, in which two pilots are required to mind meld to control the mech, ensures that characterisation is front and centre. This means you actually give a shit and have a stake in the big battles. With the Jaeger program being a global one, stereotyping is rampant. The Russian team in particular make Ivan Drago look like a subtle rumination on nationality. If there was a British Jaeger (and why the fuck isn’t there a British Jaeger?!) I’m sure the pilots would be wearing top hats, monocles and constantly reference the Queen.

The heavily promoted scraps are as fantastic as you’d hope they’d be. Thanks to the direction, I had a clear idea of what was hitting what, which is a rarity in this type of film. My favourite sequence was a brilliant nighttime Hong Kong smackdown amidst heavy rain and neon signs. After the sequence was over, I noticed my tongue was cold and realised it was because I had been staring slack-jawed at the screen for 15 mins or so. So many little bits or details had me cackling with glee. There’s an effective flashback sequence to Mako’s childhood where she was running and hiding from a massive crablike Kaiju. It’s really unsettling and gave me hope for next year’s Godzilla reheating.

My only real problem with Pacific Rim was how clichéd some of the characters were and how unimpressive the script was. I feel this was a stylistic choice as it’s basically a cartoon writ large, rather than a po-faced product with delusions of maturity. Intentional choice or not, it’s still a sticking point. We have a generic hero pulled back in for one last job, an arrogant prick who has to learn a lesson, a miltary leader who is adept at giving stirring speeches, a Asian woman wanting vengeance for her family etc etc. These are all well-trodden paths, but it doesn’t hamper the film too much. What did piss me off were the two irritating-as-fuck scientists played by Charlie Day and Burn Gorman. They’re meant to be the comic relief but their incessant, trying-too-hard-to-be-funny bickering had me clawing at my face. The ending was a bit too similar to The Avengers for me to get properly lost in it all but it was still fine.

“Today at the edge of our hope, at the end of our time.  We have chosen to believe in each other!  Today we face the monsters that are at our door, today we are cancelling the apocalypse!”

So yeah- Pacific Rim is near-perfect summer blockbustin’ entertainment. Even the 3D was well done. Don’t you dare go and see some wanking shit like Grown Ups 2 or some sequel to a past-it franchise. If you love the great tradition of big blockbusters that aren’t squarely aimed at the lowest common denominator and manage to be more than just a bunch of expensive pixels on the screen, see this. Watching the camera pan over a huge mech whilst Ramin Djawadi’s awesome theme boomed out left me with a huge smile on my face. I can almost guarantee it’ll do the same for you too.

World War Z

Finally saw this t’other day. Also expect second Pirates review soon. End communication.

World War Z (2013)

It’s hard to talk about World War Z without talking about the production troubles it had. Last minute reshoots to make the film less controversial and “more blockbuster-y” (read: dumb), a ballooning budget and accusations of weapon smuggling (no, really) all plagued the making of the film and as such it was predicted to be a massive flop. Thankfully, the film eventually got to cinemas and here we are.

“Mother Nature is a serial killer. She wants to get caught, she leaves bread crumbs, she leaves clues… Mother Nature knows how to disguise her weakness as strength.”

World War Z follows a global outbreak of zombie-ism. Brad Pitt stars as former UN fella Gerry Lane (is in my ears and in my eyes) as he struggles to keep his family safe. Gerry is brought back in by his former colleague, Thierry Umutoni (Fana Mokoena), to help them find a cure for the pandemic and go on a globe-trotting journey to seek out possible answers. No pressure, then. Despite it being next to nothing like the original book, World War Z manages to keep its head above the generic waters. A clever little twist here and a nice little detail there all add up to a fresh take on the done-to-death zombie idea. Brad Pitt is decent enough as Gerry Lane and Malcolm Tucker himself, Peter Capaldi,  shows up and improves everything just by being him. Director Marc Forster, who was one of the many things wrong with Quantum of Solace, keeps things visually interesting from the awesome opening credits onwards and allows characters room to breathe, which is refreshing in a film like this.

Truth be told, I don’t find zombies to be particularly scary. I contend that most people don’t. To me, they’re too recognisably human to get my fear juices pumpin’. That is not to say I don’t see the merit in them. For one, they are a fantastic social commentary tool. Check out zombie godfather George A. Romero’s excellent Dawn of the Dead, which was a knowing stab or twelve at contemporary consumer culture. It’s no accident that the film depicts brainless beings shambling around a shopping mall. WWZ knows this and also has something to say, using the ways different countries react to the outbreak as some handy satire. Israel, for instance, just finished building the huge wall around itself and North Korea simply removed everyone’s teeth. They’re nice asides, but I kept wishing for more of it. I suspect it was a casualty in the aforementioned “dumbing down for fucktards” process.

The thing that really got my attention in the trailers was the way the zombies moved en masse like a tidal wave and could even stack and climb like a load of pissed-off army ants. These are still the stand-out moments of the film. The effects are decent enough and at least it’s something we haven’t seen before. The action sequences are ludicrously entertaining and extremely well done. The sight of thousands of zombies stacking up outside of Israel’s walls is one I won’t soon forget. For all its globe-trotting, World War Z can feel incredibly small at times. Gerry visits Camp Humphreys in South Korea, but it boils down to a runway and a bunker. The third act also takes place in a medical centre in Wales, which feels like it’s been bolted on from another film. These aren’t bad bits by any means, it’s just that it sits at odds with the global feel of the rest of the film. Plus, the little ripple of laughter at the mention of Cardiff Airport got at the Cardiff Bay screening I went to was delightful.

“Most people don’t believe something can happen until it already has. That’s not stupidity or weakness, that’s just human nature.”

I’m struggling to say too much more about World War Z. It’s quite schizophrenic in a few ways. In some areas,  it’ll keep some of the satire and edge of the book, but then it’ll pull its punches in others. It’ll give us a big, sprawling adventure but then relocate to a small set somewhere. The overall effect is quite strange. I’m sure this is down to the hasty reshoots and rewritings. WWZ is better than the sum of its parts, but I can’t imagine anyone getting too excited about it. Most of the problems can be attributed to studio involvement, trying not to piss off the overseas markets they’ve suddenly realised exist outside of America and become reliant on in recent years. I hope the promised and already announced sequel fixes these niggles. When it comes down to it, World War Z is a perfectly decent zombie film with the potential for true greatness. See you all in the queue for WWZ II: Electric Boogaloo.

Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Black Pearl (Redux)

I’ve been looking for a personal project for a while. By chance, I happened to replace my knackered Pirates of the Caribbean set and started thinking about Disney’s live action output in the past decade.  Most of it follows the Pirates formula, but it has some interesting anomalies and talking points. Whilst I have reviewed some of them before, I read them back and cringed myself to death, resurrected and decided to do something about it. From today, my focus is going to be 100% Disney as I’m going to be reviewing the Pirates films, the National Treasures, Tron Legacy, John Carter, The Muppets and Prince of Persia: The Sands of Time. There will be unrelated reviews inbetween however. I couldn’t think of anything clever as an umbrella topic to group them all under, so it’s my Live Action Disney-a-thon (or LADathon for shortsies). It’s also been ten years to the day since this film was released. Think of that. You’re old.

Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Black Pearl (2003) (Redux)

pirates_of_the_caribbean_ver3_zpsf6501afb

I suppose in this climate of making a movie of practically anything with a famous name (Battleship, The Lego Movie, Toilet Duck: The Motion Picture etc) it’s not too much of a stretch, but it still strikes me as odd that somebody (or rather many somebodies) invested heavily in a film based off a clunky theme park ride featuring barely mobile animatronic pirates. Having said that, when it comes to film, I’m a firm believer in the notion that there is no such thing as a bad idea, just bad execution. I believe that Curse of the Black Pearl is proof of that. It’s an unapologetically fun film with plenty of swashbuckling action. But you already know that.

“You didn’t beat me. You ignored the rules of engagement. In a fair fight, I’d kill you.”

“That’s not much incentive for me to fight fair, then, is it?”

The plot follows lowly blacksmith and swordmaker Will Turner (Orlando Bloom) and his secret love for the Governor’s daughter, Elizabeth Swann (Keira Knightley). After a while, the crew of the legendary and feared Black Pearl, led by Captain Barbossa (Geoffrey Rush) pillage Port Royal and kidnap Elizabeth. It’s up to Will and imprisoned, eccentric pirate and former Black Pearl Captain, Jack Sparrow (Johnny Depp) to save her. Rewatching the film, I was struck by just how tight the screenplay is. There are no pointless scenes, everything that is set up pays off at some point and the dialogue hits the balance between functional exposition and playful banter throughout. Yeah, I know. All films of this ilk should have a script like that. The sad fact is the majority of them don’t- the sequels to this very film being prime examples. The script is clever, witty and is just plain satisfying. The duo of Ted Elliot and Terry Rossio, previously known best for writing Shrek, the criminally underrated The Road to El Dorado and Disney’s own Aladdin, manage to inject the then stale pirate genre with some much needed fun and adventure.

It’s strange that I still rate this film despite it having two of the most wooden leads in recent memory. Both Knightley and Bloom act like recent lobotomy cases, dialogue dripping from their mouths with barely any inflection or feeling. Whilst most of the jokes are given to Depp, any humour that the script affords Will and Elizabeth is killed stone dead by the delivery. Check out the bit where Sparrow has assembled a ragtag bunch of pirates to chase The Black Pearl. Will says “Well, you’ve proved they’re mad!”. It’s not the best one-liner, granted- but the way Bloom hits the line is like he’s never heard a joke before. Another actor could have sold it better. Same with my most hated line in the whole film: Elizabeth’s “You like pain?… (she strikes a pirate with an oar) try wearing a corset!”. Not only is it a god-awful line, the delivery stinks. Ugh. On the better acting side of things. Depp is obviously the scene-stealer and his performance in Black Pearl has stood the test of time and shitty sequels. The man knows his way around a gag. Often overlooked is Geoffrey Rush who is clearly having a whale of a time as Barbossa. He’s not cartoonishly evil, but he has his moments. He also handles the all-important wit with skill. Similarly, Jack Davenport is a fantastic straight man and is often ignored in favour of Depp’s peacocking by most people.

Above all else, Curse of the Black Pearl is FUN. Remember when blockbusters were fun? It has proper swashbuckling action, great swordfights and special effects that still hold up for the most part. I will always love the moonlight reveal of Barbossa’s literal skeleton crew. The final swordfight between Barbossa and Sparrow as they move through piles of gold and shafts of moonlight is fantastic. I will never tire of Jack and Elizabeth being stranded on an island, leading to the famous “why is the rum gone?” line. There are some fantastic character beats in this bit and it elevates the film significantly.

There are so many things about Black Pearl that I find refreshing. The fact that none of the characters are fucking idiots and capable of independent thought is a major one. For instance, Jack only agrees to help Will after learning his surname and asking some not-so-subtle questions about his father. In most films this’d be presented as a big reveal later on, but not here. Will confronts Sparrow on the way there and we’re done and dusted. I also really like the motivation of Barbossa and his crew. They’re not out-and-out evil. They’re bad people alright, but no worse than Sparrow himself. All they want is their terrible curse to be lifted so they can finally enjoy food, drink and “pleasurable company” again. That sounds downright reasonable to me.

Most refreshing of all is the risk that Disney took with this. It was their first PG-13 film, starring an actor known for cult hits not big blockbusters, based off an intellectual property they had knocking around in the shed and given the full support of Disney’s marketing arm. A mere decade later and the landscape has completely changed. Last year’s John Carter (review coming soon) was a risk, but Disney had no real faith in it, didn’t market it properly and it bombed. This year’s Lone Ranger looks to suffer the same fate, despite them cranking up the obnoxious advertising dial a few notches. As you know, the Pirates gamble paid off and launched an entire franchise that’s not done yet (work is underway on a fifth film). I just like it when studios think outside of the box and are rewarded for it.

“Where’s Elizabeth?”

“She’s safe, just like I promised. She’s all set to marry Norrington, just like she promised. And you get to die for her, just like you promised. So we’re all men of our word really… except for, of course, Elizabeth, who is in fact, a woman.”

It may get unfairly tarred with the same brush as the rest of the series, but Curse of the Black Pearl is a hugely enjoyable film and one of the best examples of being fun for the whole family. It’s bloody brilliant, savvy?

 large_5